the 5 stages of grief:
i am going through the first 4 no problem-
but i cannot get to acceptance…. i just cant…i wonder how people do.
things are really bad… i know this, but i keep thinking things will get better. (1. denial) (btw my mom was diganosed last fall…this is not new. and she is INoperable).
and i am insanely angry (2. anger)…at almost everyone….this includes the drs, my friends, my family, anyone intimately involved in the situation…even though i know it is NONE of their faults and all are trying to help.
i’m angry with myself…maybe i should’ve pushed harder for another treatment…maybe i should’ve researched even more…maybe we should’ve been less aggressive. maybe we should’ve been more aggressive…and i know really i/we have been doing everything possible (and will continue to try) to save my mother (and we are keeping her out of pain!)…knowing full well that cancer just sucks.
i’ve got rage. MAJOR RAGE. watch out i’m going to freak rage.
so i ask g-d (sure…now i need g-d, how typical am i?!) if you let my mother make it, if you let her get better i’ll blah blah blah… i’ll be a better person. a perfect person. i’ll give up sugar! (kidding).
(can you say 3. bargaining)
and then there is the inescapable sadness (4. depression)… i wake up with it in the morning and i go to sleep with it at night (no not a restful sleep).
thankfully i laugh inappropriately during the day…between my sister stacy and my husband keith, a few good friends and willing (forced) drs who listen to me babble on like a jackass i can let loose and laugh through the tears…crude humor works wonders.
and i am now carrying xanax in my bag… NO I HAVEN’T TAKEN ANY…yet but i reserve the right to take meds when/if i feel the need.
AND i am SO FAR from acceptance (5. acceptance!)- so far i wonder if i’ll ever get there.
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt