i am praying for a miracle to get my mother out of this situation. i am hoping the drs. are wrong and she’s not really so sick and this is all just a crazy mismanagement of some other illness that isn’t life ending…yeah i’m losing it.
i keep saying to my mom’s doctors too many times to count. "is there anything else we can be doing?" "no.", "are we missing something?" "no."
these drs are trying so hard.
i know my mom is this sick. and i know this is the end. and i know there’s been no mismanagement and i know everyone has done their best to save her.
my mother is barely with us at this point and it is nobody’s fault.
i know that i won’t be able to actually hear my mother tell me she loves me anymore and i’ll have to hear it from within. and i know my mother won’t be able to see my kids grow up but i will be the one to share her style, wisdom, warmth with them from now on. and i know that i will not be able to speak to her every morning anymore.
and i know that there is nothing ok about what is happening.
why should my 65 year old mother be dying? WHY?
i know there is no answer.
i also know that my role has changed…i’ve been fighting so hard for my mother…trying to unearth something somewhere that will change her destiny. but really all i need to be doing now is keep telling my mother i love her.
i need to keep thanking my mother for the great job she’s done raising my brother, sister and me.
and i need to keep telling my mother we’ll all be ok.
waiting, waiting, waiting. that is what we are doing at this point. all together. all waiting.
and maybe the miracle i need is the one that will give my family and me peace once my mother takes her final breath.
the sadness is just so deep. it’s in every cell of my body
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