i googled my mother.
I GOOGLED MY MOTHER!
and a picture of my mom popped up from maybe 8 years ago or so, and she is laughing. and she is happy. and she is healthy. and she is alive. and now she is not.
i don’t know how to grieve. i don’t know what i am supposed to do. am i doing it wrong? is there a right way?
i am afraid to be still and think.
i am filled with sadness.
oh and then i am not.
and then i think of my mother or something happens and i want to tell my mother.
and then i am filled with sadness again.
and the tears just come….and when i think i cannot cry anymore, i still cry.
it is the oddest thing- i think i may be crazy.
one minute i feel like my heart is literally torn in two and i can’t breathe.
the next minute i am able to laugh.
and i just want to discuss all of this with my mom!
SHE would understand the range of emotions. SHE understood my pms. SHE understood my anxiety. she understood my insecurities (wait…she gave me some of those right?!)
and my mother hated being referred to as "she"!
and my mom also drove me crazy like all mother’s do to their daughters.
and my mother told me all day long how proud she was of me. and how much she loved me.
and how much she loved my kids.
is this just how it is when you lose someone you love?
it is too weird. too odd. too strange. and i don’t like it.
i need to know that i can have fun again, that i will feel like a regular person again.
i want so badly to feel ok.
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt