alexis and i planned this trip to los angeles (alexis planned it actually! i just showed up.)
and i had 24 hours of no tears…NO TEARS!
for those 24 hours i was manic, busy, kind of numb and all around distracted which was FANTASTIC.
and then, all of a sudden, i really wanted to call my mother, and i couldn’t.
so i cried…in the middle of a jewelry store because i saw some beautiful rubies in my mother’s favorite color, bordeaux. and alexis bought something orange…a color my mother HATED!
so this is how it is going to be?
when i arrived in los angeles i made the decision to not contact any friends. i didn’t want to deal with the loss here. i wanted to pretend/wish/hope/convince myself that it hadn’t really happened- crazy huh?
and although i’ve discussed in meetings that my mom just died, i dealt with it almost clinically- i suppose the same way a doctor must deal with death (and that’s as close as i’ll ever be to a dr!).
but then yesterday afternoon, after the meetings and after the crying in the store, one of my friends in los angeles contacted me…and once again, losing my mother became real.
my friend lisa said to me "i can’t imagine your family without bunny. bunny was the center. it doesn’t seem possible for your family to be without bunny."
yeah. it doesn’t seem possible.
but that is how it is now.
and since yesterday afternoon, the crying is back in waves. the uncontrollable sobs.
and the fucking visions of my mother at the end.
visions of my mother robbed of her autonomy but never her dignity.
my mom was one of a kind.
i miss her so much.
i can’t believe she’s gone.
some pictures from the trip so far.
alexis and i waiting to get our rented white mini van (cool car!) from the hotel’s valet.
and me at the bar before dinner at mozza (had one sip of some bubbly wine).
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt