"congratulations on the tv show. it’s fabulous. and you look so good wearing color!" says my mother’s friend. "yeah, well, my mother told me to wear less black. she wanted me in colors."
look ma, i’m on tv and im not wearing black! oh wait…you can’t see it because you died.
crap. sadness. i just want to talk to my mom.
mommy, i miss you. i mean i really miss you. nothing feels right. i feel so empty lately. so much is happening right now and i can’t seem to enjoy it. i just want to talk to you. the phone rings and i look to see if it is you. during our show today a number flashed on the screen and for a second it looked like your number and i thought oh it’s you...and then oh, it can’t be you. happened at home too. this morning. phone rang- about the time you would’ve called. and i thought for a second that you were calling. (crazy!) but no. it wasn’t you.
and it should’ve been you. YOU SHOULD BE HERE.
the stressful stuff is more stressful now that you are gone. and the good stuff doesn’t feel very good now that you are gone. and i am having a very hard time letting go. i keep seeing you at the end. i keep replaying the goodbyes. it wasn’t enough. it’ll never be enough.
when i was little and we would fight you would tell me how we had a special bond you and me… all love…all the time…even in the fights. and we did. and we do. and not even your death can take away that feeling.
the tv show started. i know you’d be proud. i know you’d have as many criticisms as the haters and more compliments than our biggest fan. and i know i’d be irritated by plenty of what you had to say. but i would do ANYTHING to hear it.
you were spectacular. and i was lucky. and i will continue to move forward and work through this the way you‘d want me to.
i love you.
facebook:jennifer koppelman hutt