there is this odd freedom that comes with losing one’s mother…almost like when our parents went away on vacation and left us to take care of ourselves- that feeling that no one was checking up on us and we could stay out till 4 am without consequences, that’s the feeling i have today. that my mother isn’t checking up on me. and although this is incredibly sad- and i miss her more than i can adequately describe, it is in fact a truth-
that losing one’s mother means losing the one who (constantly) monitors what you are doing and let’s you know just how you should be doing it.
i remember my mother used to say to me "i’m the only one who’ll tell you the truth jenny" and, yes, i’m well aware it was HER truth, but really- who other than your mother has a more direct and honest way of dealing with you?
in some ways losing my mother has made me feel less accountable for my actions. and although i know this isn’t exactly how i should be feeling long term, i welcome the gift of not judging my behavior for right now.
and at almost 40 (next month) and motherless, i’m caring less and less about what anyone thinks about me.
whether it is my wearing a swimsuit on the beach with my ever too full thighs touching (ok I do wear a sarong but it is unfortunately see through!) or riding the ocean’s waves with my son and nephew or my being friendly to strangers or my hip hop dancing with my daughter or my taking xanax to manage my fear of flying or just about everything i do at this point,
i do it just because i want to. and I don’t dwell on how unattractive, silly, nutty, odd etc. i may appear.
this is growth. and this is good.