i have often said that i am waiting to have a dream where my mother will come to me... well, dammit, that happened last night. and it wasn't great. crap. it wasn't even good.and it wasn't even that my mother came to me...really, it was more that she happened to be a part of a disturbing dream and for the duration of the dream, my mother was VERY alive to me.
and annoying. and obnoxious. and frankly when i awoke this morning, i was relieved that the argument we had in my dream was not in fact real, and we did not in fact fight, because my mother is not in fact alive.
yeesh mommy. can't you show up in my dreams in a loving way?! arghhh.
i'm kidding. i know dreams are my subconscious and i know my mother can't actually "show up" anywhere...but still. i am waiting for that magical "my mother came to me in a dream and told me she's doing well up above sitting on some cloud drinking her coffee hot as she liked it, making people smile and laugh. and keeping everything neat and orderly while watching over each and every one of us. and protecting us. and loving us. and missing us, but nonetheless doing ok in some heaven-like existence" dream.
and no, i am not wallowing in self pity about losing her when she was 65 and i was 38. i know it wasn't a "tragedy" and really just something "tragic" to me and unfortunate and very sad.
but i continue to miss her.
and sometimes it does feel like a lot.
fb: jennifer koppelman hutt