have been waiting to write this blog until i felt comfortable enough to do it…but then i realized i won’t ever feel comfortable, so might as well get over myself and write it now.
i’ve had a life long weight issue (caused, i am sure, by nature AND nurture.)
and like so many others, i have, on and off, worked on it. i’ve had modest successes over the years…but since i’ve been married and a mother (1997/98), the struggle has seemed greater.
but by the fall of 2007, i felt like i was (finally yet again!) on the road to winning (learned by now there is no winning- struggle never ends!) i felt like i was on the road to losing enough excess weight to feel healthy and good. on the road to feeling ok in my body. i was doing weight watchers (still, i think, the best commercial diet there is) and had experienced a small yet much appreciated weight loss (like 10lbs).
and then my mom got sick. and i gave up. i stopped exercising. i stopped eating healthy. i stopped looking in the mirror.
and quickly, the 10lbs i lost, i found. plus several more. and oh. i felt horrible. and getting on the scale, on anyone’s scale, was NOT (based on my mental state) an option.
my mother was sick, and frankly, chocolate covered pretzels taste really good.
my mom died in july of 2008. wow. sucker punched. wrecked. obliterated. confused. overwhelmed. exhausted. sad.
grieving was all consuming. i can barely remember the year after she died. i was a shell of who i had been. i could laugh, i could always laugh, but the nagging loss was always so palpable. i was tired. always tired. always lacking energy. and easily out of breath.
yet i thought for sure i’d be able to move through it all and get myself back to some semblance of me quickly…immediately (WRONG AGAIN!)
and so i tried to diet.
but i didn’t want to exercise.
i think i felt too gross to move my body any more than i absolutely had to.
and my diet failed.
ok, i failed.
and i didn’t lose anything after my mom died.
in fact, i gained some more.
numbers here are fuzzy because (as i said before) i did not get on the scale. far too painful. and i was in enough pain.
december of 2008, i decided to start exercising. and i began going to (yet another) nutritionist… i didn’t feel like i could go to a center like weight watchers and deal with people. and so in december of 2008 i started getting weighed weekly. i got on the scale backwards and covered my ears (it was a digital scale so not really necessary to cover my ears but i am INSANE!)… and the deal was my nutritionist would tell me each week if the scale was heading in the right direction…or not. needless to say, december- what with vacation and all, was not successful.
but january 2009, i did start slowly losing weight.
and i was exercising. not daily. and not a lot, but at least moving more than i had been.
in the middle of january 2009, i went to my doctor for a physical and determined i had high blood pressure…which was a wake up call. scared the crap out of me. i had been so focused on cancer that i wasn’t paying attention to something else that could kill me… and both cancer and heart disease thrive in bodies carrying too much weight. so i think mentally, by the end of january of 2009, there was a shift to focus more on my health. and so i did. and since then, i have consistently been watching what i eat and exercising more.
and now it is starting to show. a year and four months after i started from a very high weight (for me) i am finally feeling better.
i am weighing myself every day now (have been since october of 2009) and i am doing several diets at once (lol)..between weight watchers (i love the online program) and low carb and the ever popular don’t start eating till later in the day rather than early and my calorie counting etc…
and i exercise almost every day for at least 1 hour. and it is a concerted effort every day. and not easy. and not all that fun.
i am no kirstie alley post jenny craig. and no valerie bertinelli either (she’s way thinner than i am!)
i will not preach how to lose weight…because i have no clue what will work for anyone else! i don’t really even have a clue what’s going to continue to work for me… i am just going to keep trying.
i am just a girl who’s back to the size i was before i got married…and that’s a girl who isn’t obese, but isn’t thin (yet) either.
and it feels terrific. and terrifying.
terrific because i am not out of breath quickly like i was… and my blood pressure is lower (but not low enough!). terrific because i am actually enjoying exercise now…(most days!) terrific because i feel like my body is less stressed because there is less extra weight. terrific because i can wear (almost) any brand of jeans now…(but american eagle has the BEST jeans at extremely reasonable cost in all sizes).
terrific because all around it is not as hard now as it was for me to get dressed most days.
and it is terrifying because i don’t want to stop losing. and terrifying because i don’t want to gain it back. and terrifying because i want people to like me whether i am fatter or thinner.
but i am forging ahead. i’ve thrown out the “fat clothes”.
and i am going to do my best to stay vigilant.
because if i don’t then i am guaranteed to gain it back. and i really don’t want to.