i think part of why i am always with candy- meaning i have candy at home and carry candy in my bag AND keep candy in a cupboard at work is because being around candy gives me comfort. whether i am looking at it, touching it, smelling it or eating it, candy soothes me. (and of course i share my candy!!)
i know it isnt wise to eat too much, nor to really USE candy like an alcoholic uses alcohol, but candy always makes me smile. even if just for a moment. even if that moment is 5 minutes in the mighty mart attached to the gas station- because i’ve had some feelings emerge while pumping gas! i deal with the feelings. of course. but dealing while looking at brand new chocolate bars somehow makes me feel less agitated.
and knowing candy is there in case i need it makes me feel better, like knowing i’ve got 3 xanax pills in my bag that i may never even take.
i am NOT an easy person. ask my friends. ask my husband. ask my kids. ask the rest of my family. i’ve got more emotions than i know how to handle, an obsessive somewhat compulsive need to communicate (have you seen the justjenny chats that go on at night!) i have a high level of anxiety, i’m insecure requiring a constant need for approval and acceptance. AND i am hyper sensitive.
even writing about myself makes me think yeesh- why do they put up with me!
i think because my heart is (usually) in the right place.
i want everyone around me feeling good. and safe.
and healthy and satisfied.
and i am quite good at acknowledging when ive screwed up (maybe because i’ve had so much practice!)
and i can laugh at what a high functioning mess i am.
so what’s the big deal if staring at a hershey’s aero bar gives me comfort! or if eating 10 starbursts (200 cal) ends up being my lunch.
ive no idea how others have been dealing with their 40s. i think i’ve been going through a (long) midlife crisis. and i wonder when it’ll pass and i’ll be back to being somewhat ok with my everyday existence. right now the itch i have (insert joke here) to figure out and do “i’m not sure what” is just so great.
and i know i can’t be the only happily married woman with incredible kids and a fulfilling career who feels this way.
i wish more women our age would talk about their itches, their dissatisfactions and their fears. maybe then i wouldn’t need the candy as much because i’d have the commiseration.
but until then…
i don’t have a sports car. brand new boobs or a boyfriend (ha!) but i do have my candy.
ps: please leave comments, questions, and requests for tales from the treadmill… i will be back on the treadmill tomorrow!