My mommy and me 1974
Oh crap. It’s that time of year again when I am reminded in a more pronounced way that my mom has died.
Most of the year, I can be offhandedly crude about losing her:
Someone else: “how’s your mother?”
Me: “She’s dead.”
This is (obviously) a defense mechanism so I don’t have to feel (or deal with?!) the depth of my longing for her/missing her.
Although I have written (extensively before) about how she drove me bananas about my body,
on the weekend of the 4th anniversary of her death (7.8.2008) at the young age of 65, I choose to remember just the bright spots, which frankly are so many they usually eclipse the yucky stuff on the other days too.
Midnight January 1, 2008... 7 months before she died.
My mom was a terrifically complicated woman. Warm, smart, crazy, feisty, wacky, passionate, gorgeous, loyal, self deprecating, generous, funny and spectacular. We loved each other to infinity and beyond.
I still love her. I like to think she still loves me from wherever she is.
Not a day (somedays not even an hour) goes by without my thinking of my mom Bunny.
I miss watching her try to dance (she was horrible). I miss listening to her sing along to who knows what or nothing (she had a terrible voice).
I miss being screamed at by her because she was pms (thanks mom!) or because I wasn’t dressed well enough (and while complaining about my attire, quite possibly my mom could’ve been wearing mismatched sweats!) or because I was missing the point about one thing or another.
I miss hugging and kissing her.
I miss her smell.
I miss her soft skin.
I miss hearing my mom tell me, every single day she lived, that she loved me. Really, everyday my mom told me. Frankly, every phone call- we talked too many times to count each day. I miss that too.
I miss hearing my mom tell me I’d lost the “song” in my voice- she could sense when I wasn’t feeling right…physically or mentally.
I do my best to find ways to have the “song” in my voice. Sometimes just thinking of my mom will make it happen.
I miss my mommy.
Four years later it still hurts the same.
xo
jenny
Oh, honey! That’s so touching, brought tears to my eyes. I could not imagine losing my mom. Thanks for sharing.
Jennifer, I lost my sister a few months later from lymphoma. I recall reading your blog and wondering how am I going to handle losing someone that I spoke on a daily + basis..to have them here no longer… You gave me that shoulder to lean on, although you didn’t know it. I listened to you and Alexis daily, and it drove me mad that she was insensitive to how bad you were hurting, (she has a bad habit of saying hurtful things about people that pass, and one’s she wish that would!) I’m healing, year after year, and I feel my sister smiling from above.
I’m sure your mother is cheering you on!
oh nancy, unimaginable. i am so sorry. glad i was one step ahead and could comfort you from afar. it is icky. just is icky.
Oh wow – I lost my mother quite suddenly on October 20, 2008 – and not a day (hour?) goes by without me thinking about her. I don’t think I will ever be over it, but most days I don’t cry about it, so that’s good, right? Anniversaries, birthdays, certain holidays are pretty bad (i dread Passover and thanksgiving now). My mom would never want me to be this sad, she was love and grace and laughter peraonified – but her loss is just so huge. Coincidentally – my mom was Bunny too! Her real name was Arlene, but everybody called her Bunny from the time she was a little girl.
Thanks for sharing your post and making me feel a little less like a freak because I’m just not over it. Your mom would be so proud of you…
you’re not even kind of a freak. you are NORMAL. it sucks. and another bunny! yours sounds special too…
Jennifer, my mother just died on June 14, 2012 of epiglottic cancer. I was her primary caretaker—she moved into our house on March 8, 2012. I had a terrifically complicated relationship with my mother—but at the end of her life she was a joy to take care of. I wish I could say everything ended in sweetness and light but it did not. My sister who is ten months and twenty days older than I and who also had a complicated relationship with Mama decided to go to outer limits in the last ten days of her life. It’s too long and gross a story to go into now—the point is NOBODY GETS IT until they lose their mothers. It is amazing to me how I feel—all I want to do is to talk to my mother and hear her talk back to me: that’s it. And I can’t have it. I am a Christian and believe in eternal life—I still just want to talk to my mother NOW.
so sorry dianne… really.
Thank you, Jennifer. I don’t believe anyone can understand losing a parent until it happens—I’ve listened to you for three years and I’ve felt such sympathy for you (and my husband who lost his mother in 2009) but I could not understand until it happened to me. I am understanding now.
I am a 40 year old only child who lost both of my parents 4 years ago, 9 months apart. I can absolutely relate to what you are saying. There is something about the way your mom can hear your voice and instantly know there is something wrong. Not only that, but one of the only people who genuinely cared why. I miss the way my dad looked at me like I was the prettiest, most talented, funniest, best person in the whole world. I find miyself forgetting what their voices sound like and it terrifies me. I don’t think we get over it, I think we just adjust to our new normal : (
ugh.
My mom died over 17 years ago while I was in highschool. You will never get over it, sorry
. Love your show. I am a Hofstra Law graduate too 
. Be well.
yuck. and yuck. congratulations re accomplishing so much despite the loss. im certain your mom is proud!
Lots of hugs Jenny,…it’s such a hard world to live in without our moms isn’t it? I too lost my mom, 3 yrs ago this July 31st. One day she found out she had leukemia , and 2 weeks later we buried her. I was the youngest of 4, and mom would always call me her baby, as much as I hated that then, I sure miss hearing it now. You mentioned your moms soft skin, ya know, I miss my moms soft arms, they were always there to put my arms through, and I remember to this day how her skin felt. Lets hang in there together,….it’s hard, you take care!
sending you hugs! comments like this make me grateful my kids play with my arm flab- it is something they are sure to remember!
Hi Jenny
I lost my Mom 5 years ago and it does not get easier. I miss her all the time and some days I just want my Mommy. I expect it will be this way for the rest of my life.
I try to remember the good times
judy, youve got to live! your mom would want that right?! sadness is always underneath..but joy exists!
I lost my mom to cancer Thanksgiving 2005. We too, had a complex relationship. I completely relate to your entire post. I am truly very sorry for the hole that has been left by your Mom’s passing. Until you lose a parent you can never really, really understand how awful it is.
At Thanksgiving last year we found out we were matched for a sibling set that we were trying to adopt. One of my children was born on my Mom’s birthday. I don’t believe in coincidences; I am certain my Mom played a part in their becoming our children.
For the first time since she passed, Thanksgiving wasn’t horrible. Time (and circumstances) really do heal all things (or at least give us better perspective). I hope your heart is soon feeling better.
Thanks for always being so real, Radio Jenny!
that’s awesome news!!! yay!!!! sorry you get it.. not easy. but you are doing great.
xo
Hi beautiful,
… your words made me cry, but I also was so moved by the way you remembered her. Keep on rockin’ and rollin’ Jennifer!!! you are awesome and you give your fans a lot of strength with your touching words. Thank you.
I lost my father almost 35 years ago and I still miss him terribly. My mother is very ill now and I am dreading the day she will not be here anymore with me.UGH..
rina, my fans give me strength. no joke, it was fans (and my family and friends of course) who carried me through the toughest time… i am ridiculously lucky in that way and thankful.
and yeah, UGH! sorry things are super rough for you now.
Sorry to hear
Happy to say
You will hug her again one day.
thanks darrell…
Im sorry Jen u and your family were such an important part of my childhood I miss u all. She was so special I remember she took me to first day of middle school and came into class and kissed every child. She was so special and I am so sorry. She was one of a kind w a heart of gold and u have a special family
perri! she loved you (and your mom, dad, and jane!) and we ALL LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! see you soon. xoxox
Hi Jennifer. Your post really touched me. I reached out to you, almost 4 years ago on Facebook. My mom passed away the Saturday before Thanksgiving in 2008. I had just had my son barely 4 months earlier. I remember that you reminded me to allow myself to be however I was going to be and to be kind to myself. Being kind to myself meant allowing myself to feel the joy of my new baby. You were right: I moved forward because I was now the mom and he needed me. Before I knew it I was doing it for me. It has been so hard and I miss my mom as much today as I did four years ago. Thank you for reminding me that it is ok feel the good and the bad.
i believe it is not just good, it is essential! our mothers would want that. i know it. and i bet youre a fantastic mom to your little boy!!!!! keep going angel- youve got a good head on your shoulders.
Met your Mom. Changed my opinion of who I was in ONE conversation. Awkward 16 year old girl who felt like a misfit. Time away from Stacy and your family and friends on Stacy’s special night to make me feel at ease ( Trust me… I did NOT fit in that night) to make me feel at ease. Sheer grace. I was blown away by her physical beauty but stunned by her inner beauty. She left a mark on me forever. I have 4 kids of my own now. Whenever any of their friends is over, at the slightest hint of what I feel is self doubt, I Bunny it. I pay it forward and I hope they leave feeling the way I did that night. Thinking of you all. F*CK CANCER. <3
awww geanne, i know you pay it forward… you are that kind of girl! bunny was right.. xo
What a beautiful tribute to this glamourous fabulous woman that I only know as a listener of Jennifer’s and through her amazing pictures. Love it.
Hard to believe its been four years already for you and your family..amazing how fast time goes by…wish the pain vanished as quickly. You have come a long (emotional) way on your path of losing your mom… One of the most difficult challenges in the world! It’s all a process, endless emotion….but your doing it…some days weak, some strong, but your doing it. I also miss my mom telling me she loved me everyday…she was amazing in so many ways also….no other love like it. I miss her so. 18 years for mom….19 for my dad….
I hate cancer, it steals from all of us. No matter what …we all carry on with more in common then we think.
yup to all you said. all true… good days and bad. thanks for being along for the ride and sorry you too have such loss. ick.
I lost my mom almost a year ago and this summer has been particularly hard. I am not sure you ever get over it but you learn to live with it. I miss her everyday with a deep, unexplainable sadness. Listening to you talk abou it had made me feel normal. Thank you.
YOU ARE BEYOND NORMAL!!!!
Jenny have you thought about honoring your mom by framing a sweet letter or note she wrote to you? I have seen it done on several blogs and it might be a great inspiration to you.
i have some letters.. have to look for more. i try to honor her by being a good person with a bit of mischief too..she’d like that!
Hi Jenny! I remember your mom, Bunny, so well from when we were kids at school. Mostly through being your brother, Brian’s classmate. She had such a presence and loved the three of you to pieces! I can so relate in your loss as my mom died Five years ago, and she was my best friend. Just sending you hugs for what it’s worth, and to let you know you are not alone. XO
hugs right back.. yeah, she was way cool. thanks for posting! xo.
Oh! And I love the photo of you with her at school! I can recognize the bricks and air conditioner behind you both! Hope I’m right. Lol. Anyway, hugs.
YUP! youre right!
Hi Jennifer, I lost my mom 4 years ago too in May ’08 to cancer. I had a two month old son & a 22 month old son. I don’t think you ever “get over it”, I think you just learn to live with it. I think of my mom daily too and frankly the month of May sucks for me, every year. My oldest son has my mom’s crazy cackle laugh, I marvel every time I hear it. I hope she can hear it too. When my mom was in hospice on her last days, I watched hummingbirds outside her window for hours everyday. Now there is a hummingbird outside my kitchen window in a tree every single day. Its usually there every time I look out the window. I didn’t think I believed in that stuff, but some small part of me thinks that my mom sent that bird (or is that bird) just so I would always remember she is with me. (Does that sound nuts or what??) I’ve never told anyone other then my husband that. I hope that our mothers can see us and watch our children grow & flourish and be proud in knowing the strong, smart, crazy, hilarious, loving, compassionate daughters they raised. My mother drove me nuts too but I would give anything for her to be here driving me nuts right now. Keep on doing what you are doing. And Thank You for sharing yourself with the world. So happy to have gotten to “know you”. Hope you are having a great summer!
kristen that is NOT nuts at all… we all have little signs and thoughts.
i have to think theyre around and see something… makes it easier to sleep that way. sending love your way!
Thanks for replying!! And THANKS for reminding me to tell my kids I love them every single day (multiple times
Best thing I can ever give them. Have a great & happy day. Much love, k
Jenny, big hugs. Makes me weepy but I understand. My daughter would tell you that Bunny lives on in your “loving heart” and she’s right. Wherever she is, I am willing to bet she’s got her eye and her spirit on you!
Thanks Rebecca. Your daughter is a smart one!
Jenny, your words were beautiful. I lost my dad 5 years ago and sometimes it takes my breath away when I am driving and “remember” he is not here. Your mom sounds like an incredible lady. Thanks for sharing her with us.
Sorry sorry. Yeah sometimes we have to remember they’re gone. Ick.
Once again Jen, you hit the nail on the head. Lost my mom last August and am still struggling on how to mourn. She was quite old but still feisty despite her dementia. Holocaust survivor and a reallll lady. But i am really touched with this loving sisterhood you have going on here – a beautiful tribute to you Jenny and the way your voice speaks to so many. Rock on and for God sake, enjoy your summer without your kids!!!
people are magnificent right?! yes, having a good time- or at least always trying to! xo.
My mom is losing her battle to cancer. Not sure how many days we have left on this earth together. Not fun…
oh debbie. it is horrible. sorry you’re going through this now. BUT you’ll get through it! sending you hugs…
Thanks. I think the hardest part is that I am only 30 and haven’t started having kids yet. I hate that my future kids most likely won’t meet my mom. She is such an amazing person! Sending hugs back your way
Totally verklempt. Such a lovely sad piece, Jenny. I forgot your mother and my son share a birthday. xo
I know you’re close to wear I am… Hope you are doing ok! Xo
I found your post by chance 2nite. I’ve been awake all nite & listening to my mom cry in her sleep across the hall. She has terrible pain from neuropathy that never goes away. Reading your post reminds me how I need 2 treasure every moment w/my parents. I’m 40 & struggle w/depression. After a near fatal suicide attempt 9 years ago, I have been holding on so that I never cause them such pain again. I’m so sorry you are sad.
im sorry you are going through such a horrible thing! sending good thoughts your way!!!!
You will never get over it!!! Both the love and the loss of your mother will be with you always. I speak from experience. It helps to never think you SHOULD be over it, or better. Grief comes in waves and sometimes we don’t see them coming until they wash over us. That does not mean we should give ourselves permission to wallow in feeling sorry for ourselves, just to cut ourselves some slack when we are overwhelmed momentarily by feelings of loss. Sending love.
my grandmother basically raised me and although she wasn’t my “mother”, I LOVED her like she was. i will never forget the day she passed away, one of my aunts came to me, embraced me, and said she new i would miss her forever . . . and i do and you will too and it’s ok – it is meaningful.
Hi Jenny, I have no brilliant words to lighten your pain. My Dad died 4 years ago and then my best friend who is my mom died last year. I can’t handled her not being there for me! A few months after that my only brother committed sucide. We were such a tight family, kinda like yours. Now it’s just me and my sister. I thought we could lean on each other we’ve always been more than sisters. She lives a block away from me. But sad to say we have not dealt with this well. My sister and my relationship has forvever changed. And I morn her most of all. I never knew how much sucide could destroy the family. My sister found him and now is so hateful and bitter and doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me now. I guess she’s done with family. I know we all have trials in this life but I can’t help but thinking how different it would be if Mum was here! Well sorry about the whinning but I know what your feeling!
Much Love,
Susan
It will be a year November 15 when I lost my Mom. I don’t think we will ever get over it. As the date gets closer I feel sadder . UGH ! I’ll hang in there as I know you will
Sending you Peace and love,,,,, Jane
thanks for sharing your feelings and memories. it has been a year since i lost my mom. i miss her knowing EVERYTHING and making UNSOLICITED comments and OPINIONS…LOL
my friends say i am her..a guy..lol..we do become them in some way…
you’re very cool Jenny…
Jenny, you expressed it quite beautifully. You never stop missing them. I lost my mom to liver cancer 21 years ago and I still think about and miss her every day. My parents had me later in life after my brother and sister had grown. My mom would always call me her bonus. She always made me feel special. She was loving, caring and funny. She had the most contagious of laughs, deep from within. I can still hear them. And no one could tell a story like her, always with some embellishments. Anyway know that one day you will get to see your mom again and share every story. Thank you for sharing.
Love, Annie
My mom passed away almost 3 years ago to mesothelioma. It is a cancer of the lining of the lungs caused by asbestos exposure. She never had a smoke in her life but she was an educator of labor unions and would visit them everywhere in the country.
It was the most horrible 4 months of my life. I was her aid during operations, chemotherapy sessions and the “late nights” after the treatment when the pain was so severe she would scream and cry and squirm. I knew all her meds, I bought all her meds. i signed her DNR with so much pain and guilt. I was there when she died.
I was 31 then, i had an older sister who cant deal with my moms sickness. My mom is separated so thats it. even friends seem to be scarce then, and those close to me refused to deal with me when cancer consumed my days and happy disposition. One even resigned because she cant work with me. I felt so alone in my battle. The only solace i had was going to movie houses to cry or escape.
People will never understand and you should never take it against them, i knew that now, painfully.
My mom’s death change my perception of my world i think. I prefer being alone ever since with the exception of a handful of friends . Life is easier this way.
Every year during these times, I am reminded of her death. Sends me in a numbing state. And when I refuse to think about it, my brain wont cooperate. I barely remember the time when shes healthy and we are the best of friends.
Her sickness tainted my memory of her. I can only see her in her deathbed, when she would lie on me and i can feel her hallow back on my chest. I remember her screaming at me and getting mad about everything. We never said our goodbyes. The last 3 days of her life, she was unconscious, and i had to monitor her oxygen when her breathing fluctuates and thats every 15 minutes.
I dont know how to mend me. I dont want to be in this state. Its March 17 and during this day 3 years ago, I’m preparing for a 2nd option chemo meds.
It’ll be 3 years on April 21. I need to move on. I really want to move on. I wish I know how.
My mother died on April 26, 2012. She had cancer. Even now, a year later, and probably until I die, I will never be over it. She and my father loved each other so much. The pain from me comes not just from her being missing, but from the fact that every time I look my dad in the eye, I know he misses her.
That’s the worst pain. Empathy.
Jenny,
Thank you for sharing. Your post could have been my own. I lost my mom 5 years ago on April 18. I’m an only child and lost my dad in 1994. I have no other family. I have a beautiful frosted jar that contained my mom’s body cream from many years ago. She kept her jewelry in it. Whenever I miss her smell, I open the jar and close my eyes. I miss my mommy too. Hang in there. It doesn’t ever seem to get better, but a little easier with time.