Crying in my bed because 5 years later, my mom is still dead.
While she is frozen in time at 65 years old, I am getting older.
My once excellent eyesight has changed.
I need glasses.
Like really.
Things sometimes double when I look at them.
I went to the eye doctor- ok I went to two eye doctors, spoke to a third at length on the telephone , emailed my cardiologist, and texted with another general practitioner about my concerns.
I did this, because like my mother, I have anxiety that makes me somewhat hypochondriacal.
And also ever so slightly crazy.
I admit to being a touch crazy because my mom was two touches crazy.
I am proud to have that part of her in me.
All doctors thus far have said my eye issues are due to aging mixed with stress and exhaustion. I need glasses with prisms in them to help my tired eyes focus.
So I took some of my mom’s glasses and had my prescription lenses put in.
I put these glasses on, these glasses that once belonged to my mother, and I can see.
Truly remarkable.
One pair of her glasses is red and kookie.
I love these. They feel extra comfortable on my face.
Like when I am wearing them, she is with me.
My mom would be so happy to know that my sister Stacy and I are rarely apart. And of course we are super close to our brother Brian, but he doesn’t live next door to us.
We’ve never talked about it really, but since my mother died, my sister and I really live like two old biddies who happen to have husbands and kids. We lived next door to each other before my mother died.
But we have pretty much lived TOGETHER since she died.
In a way I believe it honors my mom.
She used to yell at us when we fought as kids- saying it was useless energy spent because one day we’d be best friends.
She was right. We are.
My mom would’ve made my sister’s soon to be 45th birthday a national holiday. And I feel like a failure in advance because I can never match what she did/would’ve done. My sister Stacy got that festive part of my mom.
But I will guarantee a yummy cake- because my mom (and I!) know cake.
And I will guarantee some laughs.
I’m working through the grief of losing her still. The impact of losing her keeps changing.
Every new wrinkle, hormonal shift, feeling/acting/being exactly like her moment makes me crave my mom more.
Tonight I am not seething with anger over losing her. I just feel sad.
And a little lost.
Still hard to find my way some days without my mom.
I suppose it may always be this way.
xo
Jenny
Laurie says
Reading this just makes me want to give you a big hug. So beautifully written. Your mom is so proud of you Jenny Hutt.
Brenda says
Hi Jenny,
I just came across your blog site and I absolutely LOVE it! I look forward to reading it daily now.
I am so sorry about your heartache and your loss of your best friend ~ your Mom. I feel the pain in your heart as I too had lost my dearest bosom buddy, my Mom as well. She died suddenly, within 3 months of a brain tumour when she was 67 in 1996. I had just gotten married the year before in August, 1995 and was thrilled she was a part of that celebration in my life, but I wanted her around 4ever and ever. I was so close to her. They say time heals all wounds, it does, but the pain will always subside in your heart and on some days, I like you bawl my eyes out and run to the cemetery to talk with her, hoping she’d walk around the corner and hug me and tell me it’s all going to be ok, but I keep waiting. Guess in heaven I will see her then, but now it still hurts. So I pray for peace and comfort to your soul and heart and know she is but a whisper away and she’ll always reside in your heart, she’s with you always. I’d say you’ve done remarkably well for yourself, and if I am proud of you, I am sure your Mom is even prouder. Glad to have bumped into your blog Jenny, keep up the great work and have a great year!!
Melissa C says
Jenny,
I miss my Mom so much too. It never gets better, but sometimes it feels like different levels of grief, so hard to explain. I wish I could give you a hug. My Mom died 7/5/04 after a valiant fight against breast cancer. It still hurts. But I see her in my kids. I see myself looking more like her-which I love and am honored by. I am the same age as you. And I love the idea of what you did with your Mom’s glasses! I am just got a new prescription for my eyes *yeh*- what is with the 40s and the eyes? I think I am going to take the pair of glasses my Mom had and do the same. Thank you for sharing with all of us, I love your show! -Melissa
Jane-marie Kennedy says
I feel the same about my dad.
Lori says
It’s so sad to hear this. I know how you feel. My mom died at 74 . A young 74. it was sudden so we were not prepared.
I miss her a lot. There is so much she would have loved to be part of. two weeks ago my son got engaged. This would be her first grandchild’s engagement. She loved marriage. She said at his Bar Mitzvah she couldn’t wait for his wedding. I had to go to the cemetery to tell her that her grandson was engaged and how much she would have loved his fiancé. She won’t be at his wedding, she won’t be there to see babies. it’s sucks!!!,
It gets easier but it doesn’t get better,
Ava101 says
Hello,
My mother had a minor heart attack the day before thanksgiving 2013. They kept her in observation and gave her oxygen. Thanksgiving night she went into cardiac arrest, they brought her back but had aspirated. She was in ICU for the next 3 weeks with aspirated pneumonia. She was too weak to recover. We lost her a few days before Christmas and had her services on New Year’s.
My dad, brother, sister and I didn’t know what to do as we saw her deteriorate in the hospital. This was sudden, unexpected. My mother was my best friend. The best friend to each of us. My mother was the nicest lady. She was only 72.
I dream about her all the time. I have so much to tell her. I still save things that she might like so that I can give to her later. I wear her gold bangles that make the distinct clinking noise as when my mom wore them.
I miss her and can never be the same.
Thank you. I just wanted to share
Josette Budde says
Hi Jenny, Just want to tell you how sorry I am for your pain. You expressed it so well and I think that when you have pain over the death of someone you love so much, it’s something that will always be with you. I haven’t lost a parent yet, but at 50, I’ve dealt with the pain of losing my 17 year old son 10 years ago when I was 40. Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss….xoxo Josette
Erica says
I needed to read this today…..I’m 42, my mom died on July 5th, 11 years ago – I was 31, she was 57. F-ing colon cancer. It hits me like a ton of bricks every year. I miss her a lot. I’m super close with my sister, who’s about to turn 40 and my brother who’s the baby at 35. I know my mother would be SO so happy to know that we are close enough to speak every day and look forward to celebrating my sisters bday as siblings but also best. There are spouses and a couple of little kids…none of whom ever got to meet my mom. I am thankful every day for my sis and bro and how my mom raised us to be there for each other. I thought she was perfect :). And crazy too :). Hugs to you on this hard day.
Love your show, btw.
Stephanie says
Hi Jenny-I lost my dad 7 years ago and I still think of him everyday. When I go up to his house upstate I open his closet hoping to catch one last whif of his cologne. I really appreciated your article! Thanks for sharing it- Stephanie ( Jonas)
Anne says
My mom is alive and I wish I had the bond you still have with yours. You speaking about your mom makes me sad for something I never had.
Ellen Boisier says
Your honest words touched me. I have a great relationship with my Mom but I will value her even more. Thank you for that.
Vicky says
I love you taking her glasses and seeing your life through them, literally. The metaphore speaks louder than the perscription and improved vision. Hugging my mom again today. <3
Ashley weaver says
I lost my uncle Ralph due to pancreatic cancer in his early ’60s and he was and is my best friend. I saw pieces of him in his girls, what blessings they are to have to talk to because I feel like I’m talking to him.
Elaine says
What a beautiful tribute to your mom. Today would have been my mother’s 87th birthday. She died unexpectedly at 62. I always say you learn to live with it, but you never get over it. So many times I wish she were here..like I had a breast biopsy this week and I so wanted my mom. I have 2 sisters and we are very close, so I understand what you have with your sister.
kathi says
wow…..very powerful…I am reading this from a different perspective, as I am dying at the young age of 51 and the worst part of it is imagining my 23 yr. old daughter (MY HEART) living with the sadness. It has been my biggest fear since hearing the C word. What can I do to make this journey easier for her?
Mike Fritz says
Kathi, I pray for you today and always, leaving children must be an insurmountable concept to have to deal with. Leave scrapbooks and boxes with the letters and notes you have shared with your daughter, Record your voice, read a goodbye letter to her and record it. Write, record, wrap presents for the future, and if she is not married, put a mother’s package with a note and a special gift for that day/ If she is, but a baby gift together for her first child. If you have strength please prepare and let your daughter know you are leaving her with the best memories you can. I miss this from my sister.
Debbie says
Guess I should have replied here instead if below. Remember that you can never say “I love you” enough.
Debbie says
Oh, and I will always treasure the note my mom left me. When I feel down, I pull it out and read it. Means the world to me.
Alex says
I am lucky to have one voicemail from my mom before she passed. I was lucky to be by her side for years as her caregiver as she fought cancer. I am 24, male, and I am honored I could help my mom for so long. She was my rock. No one can replace her. Almost impossible to keep going, but she waited for me to get to the hospice before she fell asleep. I was very lucky to have such time with her, but I will never stop wanting another hug, kiss, etc. I hope you and your daughter get through these times. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers
maria maio says
I love you Jenny Hutt! and I am crying with you. I love the glasses you look beautiful in them.. very official! your mom is proud of you, she is with you everyday… thank you for sharing
Bonnie says
I feel for ya! I bitch about my mom all the time and then read this and it makes me appreciate that I have her. I lost my dad at 14 so I can relate! I wish he had been here to walk me down the aisle, see my son born, etc. I try to believe I will see him again someday, and that he is my sons guardian angel, it may be far fetched, but it helps!
Noel says
I was only 17…24 years and counting – it still sucks. I am so sorry, wish there was something to say to make it better, but it never stopes being hard 🙁
Kim says
I remember the day you lost your mom. I heard the replay announcement come on Sirius and I just knew. I was sad then, I’m sad for you now. I’m sad on September 4th every year – the day my dad died…. one week before THE September 11th. Stuff like that sucks. But other stuff makes it all worthwhile. Smile tomorrow Jenny!
Debbie Sousa says
My mom fought multiple sclerosis for 24 years and lost the battle with renal cancer at age 59. I was so blessed she held on to be a part of my wedding and I cherish those photos. One week before she died she called to tell me I was going to have a baby. Having just turned 40, I wanted no part of it. But two weeks after her memorial service, I found out I was pregnant! Our daughter will be 5 next week and so happy when she says she misses our “Nana”!
Charms says
Hi Jenny, your words describing your mom moved me to tears. I can relate to how you feel as I love my mom to the moon and back as well. My mom had cancer back in 2007 and I thought I was going to lose her back then. But thankfully, she was able to win over cancer.
The way you write about your mom in your blogs and how you described your relationship with your siblings would definitely make her very proud. Big hugs for you and I pray that the sadness that you’re feeling will be mended by all the love that surrounds you. Hugs…
Mike Fritz says
You have hit every chord in my brain today. It is my sister’s 54th birthday this week. She died in an accident 30 years ago the week she got her MBA. Like your Mom, my sister is frozen in time, a beautiful smart 24 year old just engaged and ready to tackle the world. I grieve daily over losing my best friend. But both my sister and your Mother mattered because we both carry our loved ones in our hearts.
Debbie says
Kathi- I lost my mom last August. I was 30. No matter what you do, your daughter will grieve. The things my mom did that meant the most was telling me she loved me over and over, and her just telling me stories about herself I had never heard. Those things mean the world from me. The last words my mom said to me was “I love you”. She was hardly conscious, but she would wake up, look at me, and say “I love you. I’m going now. Goodbye”. Amazing.
Alex says
Love the website! Tomorrow will be one week since my mom was buried. We found out May 29th her breast cancer spread to her brain and she passed away mercifully on the 27th of June. I am 24 years old, male, single, only child angry at everyone because they still have their parents. Glad to know I’m not the only one with a crushing hole in my heart
Wendy Krauss says
Jen, I too lost my mom, her death was 7 yrs ago and there isn’t a day that goes by that she isn’t in my mind. I’m not fortunate enough to have siblings, I’m all alone and 57 with failing health more than likely brought on by the stress and grief of her passing, but I still plug away somehow each day passes into another day, years are passing too. The loneliness of her lose is more than I can bear at times, but I still plug on. My kids don’t understand, and on some level I don’t expect them too. I just feel all alone without her totally alone. I’m not sure it will ever end……
Maura says
Oh Jenny,
I get this. I got this so well. My mom is gone just over a year. I also need glasses, and found my moms. I too could see. Felt that if I had my percription in her glasses, it would honor her. My mom hated clutter, but she didn’t like to throw stuff out. She was forever trying to give things to my brothers and I. Therefore her
Glasses with my prescription honors her and keeps her close to me. Thanks for sharing this.
Amy Weiner says
I read your piece and cried. I’m crying as I write this. I lost my mom to cancer about a year and a half ago. I miss her every minute. Just like you and her eyeglasses, I try to keep her alive by having little reminders of her all around me. You are very fortunate to have such a close relationship with your siblings. I wish I did. One of my brothers did something so heinous as she lay dying in the hospice, that I will never speak to him again or allow my children around him. I lost my mom and my family as I knew it to be. We were once supposedly close, and now he nor his family exists to me. The sucky part of it all is my mom is the one I would talk to about it and she’s not here. It stinks!!! Today is my dad’s 88th birthday. I’m so glad I have him.
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Renea Sabbagh says
Hi Jenny, it’s Renea, (remember I met you at Barbra Streisand with my mom?) I didn’t know you lost your mom to pancreatic, so sad. I’m so sorry, it was hard to “like” your story on Facebook. Sadly enough, my mother in law died a year ago from pancreatic. We didn’t know much about it but knew after a lot of research that it was going to be a hellish journey. It was and every day we still say to ourselves “did that really happen?” We are still in shock. We miss her everyday and try to keep her memory alive for our kids. My heart is with you. Always a fan, Renea
Kelly says
Hi,
I think you look fabulous in your Mom’s glasses. Bigger glasses are in style now and what a great way to pay tribute to her.
I wear my grandma’s tiny watch and feel close to her when I wear it too. Love the glasses though. If you expanded on your writing about it, I think it would make a great newspaper or magazine article. Try it and submit!
Dana Smith says
Your sweet mother was a needlepointer and so am I. I am a Coast Guard wife and lived on Governors Island. I worked at Ritas on 79th and Lex. Your Mom was at my goodbye party in the late 90s. She was so sweet and kind. I lost my Mom when I was 32……and only child of an only child. For some reason she always remembered that and would come into Ritas at the end of the Saturdays that I worked and take me to an early dinner. She talked about her girls and I have 2 daughters. I’m rambling and it’s late. Jenny I miss my Mom every day and I’m 56 now. But blessed I was to have her in my life. You, too……Bunny was a blessing in my life!
paula costantini says
I feel for you Lost my brother July 8 1980 @22 yrs old lost my dad 1994. Lost my mom july 17 2001 . They ( family members) call me Caroline Kennedy. sad.
Les Jensen says
What a beautiful post. My mom is 71 and lost her mom at 30. She has learned to live with it, but I still see the pain everytime she talks about her mom. I never met my grandmother and I feel cheated. I’m so fortunate to have my mother and I am thankful everyday!
Chrissi Williams says
I lost my dad 22 yrs ago, my older brother 16 yrs ago and my baby brother 8 yrs ago.
I totally get how you feel.
I miss them terribly!!
I talk to them. I know they are around me. There are certain songs that remind me of them. When I hear their song, I take a moment and really think and feel about them.
and when I feel sad, I cry. It’s ok. It’s a terrible loss!!
Cale Hoffman says
Love and prayers for you today Jenny.
Her glasses look beautiful on you, by the way. <3
Pastor Rudolph Palmer says
Jenny you are beautiful with large glasses , makeup or nothing on your face at all because we all can FEEL your beauty as a person and THAT is so very precious to the world. May God grant you the peace in the heart and rest for your mind that your mother is finally at peace…
Pat says
Jenn, nicely written. Speak from your heart I say, I only wish more people did that.
Cammie says
This post was beautiful! The glasses look perfect for your face, and how special for you! Love reading this blog and wish I could listen out here in Indiana.
Lauren says
Hi Jenny,
I wanted to call in to your show yesterday when you spoke about your mom but I had to drop off my kids at camp and get to work.
Mom died December 19, 2009. Her funeral was December 26 so I can relate to the feeling of “that time of year” thing.
Thank you for your show. It’s my favorite on 106 XM. I connect with you because I’m married, 45, raising a Jewish family (3 kids), working mom, and both of my parents passed away (dad from pancreatic cancer and mom from multiple myeloma).
Anyway, something happened today that reminded me of one of your shows. Here’s the text conversation between my 113-year-old son and I. He just landed in NC for his very first sleep away camp.
Mom: Are you there yet???? Please send me a pic before they take your phone away 🙂 love you xoxoxo
Son: Ya…I don’t want to take a pic.
Mom: Okay, I still love you. Have fun!!!
Son: Bye
Son: (one hour later) Can u send me four cheese Cheez-Its and cheddar Chex Mix in my care package if there is one?
Jenny, we live for our children. Your mother (and mine) would want us to live for them, too! Cherish the great memories.
heather adham says
This touched me SOOOOOO much. Love and hugs to you…. your Mom is beaming with pride for you and your siblings <3
Stephen Stadtmiller says
I’m glad you shared. To put your lens in your mom’s frames is a great idea.
Ursula says
Dear Jenny! I heard you this morning the first time and wanted to find out more of you on your website. The very first page has a story of your mom and how much you miss her. Today 18 months ago I lost my mom, same story like your mom. We instantly connected because I miss her like no words can describe. Thank you!
Pamela says
Aww I’m sorry Jenny. I don’t know how that feels.. My mom drives me nuts sometimed and knowing how difficult life would be without her makes me sad, you’re a fantastic person. I love your positive and honesty on twitter and on your blog. She must be in heaven smiling down and feeling proud of you and your sister. Again, my condolensces. You have an angel always remember that. She may not be physically here but she’s always here in your heart and memories. Xoxox
kathy says
I listened to your show about your mom’s anniversary & wanted to call in but I was driving to work. When my mom died at age 59 (almost my age now, 25 years ago) her very wise rabbi told us to not remember the anniversary of her death, but of her birth. I could never tell you the exact day in July she died unless I looked it up, but we always celebrate her birthday and this makes for a happy occasion vs. a still very sad one. Try it on your mom’s next birthday!
Lesley T. says
Oh, Jenny, it kills me to see that picture of your mother from 2008. It’s hard to believe that’s the same vibrant woman who’s in the picture on the left.
I’m so sorry.
OptyMyst says
This touched me. I imagine that one day in our lives all of us will think the same words as your title, but we won’t say them out loud. It’s nice to see someone write about their mom. I write about mine and other family stuff (Not Quite Dead Yet) so my granddaughter will know things about us she otherwise couldn’t have learned. I would lay a bet that your mom would approve of your siblings and you remaining close. I do!
Tina says
I can so relate to the disgust you have for that Dr. On Tuesday, Aug 6th it will be the 4th year since the death of my dad. He died from Lung Cancer. 1 week before his death the oncologist was telling us about the chemo he would be doing instead of preparing us for the truth. I remember standing there trying not to scream at him and tell him he was a freaking idiot. He had swollen so much he couldn’t stand. So I was left to deal with family members that were so desperate to believe in his fake “hope” along with watching my dad suffer in pain until I could convince people that we needed Hospice. It was the most sickening time of my life. I should have been focusing on telling my dad all the things you want to say at the end of someone’s life. He is gone. I hate it. I hate it every day. I will never stop hating it until I see my dad again. I’m 45 and still crawl into bed around this time of year and cry my eyes out.
Wendy says
Jenny,
I loved ur post!! It’s been almost 3 years since my father passed and I’m soooooooooo lost without him. I don’t even have the drive to reach my dream of being a lawyer. Or the funds!! Just finishing my Masters in CJ specializing in Legal Studies, so I am grateful for that. And since I’m 50, I probably wouldn’t finish law school before it’s time to retire!! I’m lucky just to put one foot in front of the other on some days. A daily shower is a major chore…u know what I mean? Ur story was so interesting, and made me feel somewhat normal knowing that other people are also walking in the same shoes–pain, heartbroken, angry and LOST without my best friend, MY DAD. Life is just a big blur for me right now. When will the pain end?? Hey, sounds crazy, but I sit outside and talk to my Daddy every morning. People probably think I’m nuts b/c sometimes I talk to him in the grocery store when I pass by his fav foods. I know my Dad would want me to pursue my dream and I would be happy just to be a trial consultant, but how do I get there with this pain and heartbreak that I carry on my shoulders every single day?
Love ya Girl…Wendy
Reva says
Thinking of you Jenny. Saw the picture of your mom and she is a spitting image of my mom. My mom turns 70 in September so they would have been the same age. I can’t imagine losing my mom. I am so very sorry for your loss. So proud of you for your weight loss journey. Wow, what a journey! I join you in your 2 bits of crazy, what I call normal. Sending you heeps of love and light!
Mary Ann Kalnin says
Jenny, I’m just now reading this post. And its breaking my heart. My BELOVED Mom passed away 7 years ago from pancreatic cancer. I watched my beautiful mother turn skeletal. It was pitiful. Being an only child I had no sibling to turn too. Since I’ve suffered anxiety for years her strength during that difficult time had helped me to understand I can survive.
Sharon Kelly says
Jenny, a few months ago, I sent you info about Dr. Joe Schwarcz, PhD, Head of McGill’s Chemistry Department (Montreal). he’s a super-cool scientist. You can follow his FB page and he has a ton of really interesting health related information on it. Worth poking around. He posted this book: The Cure for Everything by Timothy Caulfield. If Dr. Joe is recommending this book, then it is worth looking into! Dr. Joe doesn’t support anything that isn’t scientifically based AND his department does all the research again to prove it before he believes it is good for you. Just a suggestion for you. I love your show! Sharon, a Canadian fan.
Tonya Vitale-Hughes says
I just recently found your show. I have a mood disorder and am often sad. Since listening to you I start out my day on a positive note. You are a bright lite. Thank you for being you.
Tonya
Marcee says
Jenny ~ You touched a lot of people with this post. Myself also. I think about my daddy everyday. He has been gone for many years. Still in my heart though. Until my death dad will be.
Thank you for sharing. I know the loss of your mother hurts so deeply. Best advice: do keep your memories alive. It does help somewhat.
Lea Ann says
I suddenly lost my mother 2 yrs ago this last November 26. It is my sisters birthday that she no longer celebrates since moms passing. My life has changed in 1000 different ways when I lost my best friend. I had to make the decision to take my mother off life support. The one thing I never dreamed I would have to do. Heart wrenching but I knew that is what she would have wanted! I losy my dad to lung cancer 9 yrs ago. He was not a smoker! My life will never be the same and it is hard to accept it but I must. My heart aches for them both! I miss them!