FAT!

mexicofoodblog
I hate myself today.

HATE.
The number on the scale in mexico is HIGH.
My diet will begin tomorrow in Miami- we leave for there today.
I’ve been away for a week. Ive been fat for the past three days of this week.
I am mid month in my menstrual cycle – always a higher weight!
Why can’t I be a super perfect dieting wonder?
Why can’t I eat healthfully while on vacation?
Why do I eat french fries
and guacamole
and tortillas
and seven grain bread
and chocolate?!
I have problems. With food.
Food is my problem.
Food is the enemy.
My love of (or is it my compulsion over) food is the enemy.
I am the enemy.UGH. When it comes to my mind, my body, food and how they intersect, I am a convoluted mess.

I have worn the same normal size person jeans for over three years.
This is a huge accomplishment for me. HUGE.
Year to year before, I used to guess each season what would (or would not!) fit.
Still feels like a miracle that I can pull something from my closet, step into it and it buttons.
Sure, some days the button feels easier to close than others, but my jeans always fit.
And yet the fear that I will spiral out of control and gain sixty lbs in the blink of an eye is ever present.

I won’t tell you what I weigh.
Nope. Not. Gonna. Happen.
But here’s some background information.

1970: I was born. 6lbs 8oz.

1979: I was about 80 lbs and short.

1984:  The numbers get higher. but arguably not that high. I was still short.
and actually I was around the same weight I am today. But maybe a touch shorter.

1986: At my sweet sixteen I was 16lbs less than I am today and had a severe case of mono.

1988: I was 10lbs less than I am today at my highschool prom.

1992: At my college graduation I was 23lbs heavier than I am now.

1992: Start of law school I was 6 lbs less than I am now.

1995: I met my husband. I was 32lbs more than I am now.

1998: First baby born. 90lbs heavier than I am now.

2000: Second baby born. 80lbs heavier than I am now.

2003: Weight gain due to emotional stress. 90lbs heavier than I am now.

2005: Lost a bit of weight. 50lbs heavier than I am now.

2008: Death of my mom. 66-70lbs heavier than I am today. I didn’t get on the scale much then…

2009: Started dieting. In February. I was 39 years old.

2010: Hit my super low adult weight- which is 5lbs lower than I am today.
But really that super low weight is almost impossible for me to maintain. I can do so by eating just
one meal a day. essentially.

I am eating more than one meal a day.
I am eating three meals a day.

AND I HATE IT!

I felt so much better (mentally) just after my bacterial stomach infection two weeks ago that rendered me back to my “happy” weight. I had been really sick.  I couldn’t tolerate more than eight pretzel rods a day with a gatorade chaser but hey, that’s living.. no?

I kid. kinda. I did love the protruding bones I was starting to feel but being sick makes me fear death. I fear death when not sick so I dont need an extra reason to worry!
But the roar of my returning appetite is the devil in disguise.

Vacation for most means a time to relax.
I relax. I sleep some more. I exercise.

And my discipline in the face of the fattening disappears.
I lose my uptight inhibited self during meals. And end up consuming way more than I want to.

This is all embarrassing to even admit- especially as a former fat person.
I feel guilty, less than and frankly like a loser that I can’t keep my  f$&king mouth shut during vacation.

Theoretically I COULD just say “no thank you” to the bread, french fries and chocolate. But instead I find myself walking into the sundry shop and purchasing the chocolate.

Oh. My. Gd.
Vacation gives me too much time to think.
Solitude renders me vulnerable to an abundance of emotions.
I don’t want to have any more emotions.
Chocolate is yummy.

My brother  (@BrianKoppelman) tweeted yesterday “I might be the world’s worst dieter. That’s all. Carry on.”

No Brian, we all suck at dieting because dieting sucks. Especially when food has quietly been a coping mechanism for years.

I have to diet  because I can never be fat again.
My life depends on it.
But man, the bumps, struggles, cake and candy along the way are brutal.

And the necessity to get on the scale throughout my vacation definitely lessens my good time.

But what else can I do?

My diet starts tomorrow.
Yours?

xo,
Jenny

PS: Here is a collection of other posts I’ve written about weight.

 

 

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Comments

  1. says

    Wow Jen,

    I listened to you on the radio for a long time and have been quietly keeping up with your weight loss journey. Congratulations on all you’ve done.

    This is a really honest look at the struggles that we deal with every day to stay fit. Out of the gym? Check. Eating poorly? Check. Feeling Fat? You betcha!

    This is a great and insightful post.

    It’s not so much your diet starting tomorrow, it’s just going back to doing what you’re doing. We’re all out of routines. Now, we just correct it all and go back to doing what we do. Hit the gym! Eat well! Make it happen!

    Great job Jen! I hope a LOT of people read this.

  2. Tara S says

    I feel as if this whole blog could have entirely come from my own mouth. Except instead of vacation make it the whole period of time during the holidays. My husband has been out of work and since I work at home I have fallen into his less than wonderful eating habits and while he will not gain an ounce I struggle to hide my increasing muffintop. Same situation as a former heavyweight and as we see a few lbs creep back we get that paralyzing fear of being “that person” again. I’m done with the excuses, with adopting others bad habits. I need to do it for me and the way that works for me. So I am right there with ya girl.

  3. kelly says

    You said it so perfectly. I’m down 42 pounds, 45 to go, and the fact that I stayed the same over the holidays feels like secretly, I gained. Not losing at this stage of the game equals gaining. It’s crazy mental math that doesn’t add up, but rules my emotional world.

  4. Pam VanStone says

    Hi Jenny, just the fact you know what you’ve weighed your whole life is sad. All that time thinking about weight. I recently lost some weighed and happily almost magically changed the way I EAT. I cut out flour. Now after I eat I don’t feel bloated or full, I just don’t feel hungry anymore. I feel so much better, I don’t want to go back to how I used to feel, so it’s not an issue…. I am lactose intolerant also, so that helps!

  5. Jules says

    I could have written this, word for word….I am right where you are. To others, I am thin (size 4) and they tell me all the time how awesome and fit I look. But I know the scale is up 5 pounds from last year….dammit! Is it muscle? Don’t know. I do know that I crossfit 4x a week, on a competitive rowing team and practice 3x a week, paddle upwards to 20 miles a week, plus other activities. I “look” fitter than I have, but WAIT…all I can see are the extra jiggle on my hips and I do not see the fit person everyone else sees. I eat 80% healthy but that other 20% is hard to give up. Jenny, I struggle with healthy vs just one yummy something, and then promise myself I’ll go back to healthy until the next tidbit of a weak moment. You are not alone. Thank you for being real and relatable.

  6. shari says

    time to get Jill Coleman Jiifit, Metaboloic effect on your show. On thanksgiving we looked back at 18 years of video taken at each thanksgiving…I could pretty much tell you what diet I was on ( or Not!) and what I weighed…
    No More! I will never diet again…this week ‘Ive indulged in a few too many treats but thats ok.. not beating myself up anymore.
    .but I totally get you!!!!! enjoy your family….

  7. Adam says

    Jenny, are crazy. You look great!!!! You are on vacation. Enjoy yourself, celebrate your weight loss and when vacation is over, go back to the diet. I think there is nothing wrong with a little indulging here and there right? :) I guess I shouldn’t have bundt cake for breakfast again today huh? Back to my nice, clean, healthy diet on the 1st! hahaha!

  8. Alli says

    I feel exactly the same way Jenny!! I work out like a maniac but just can’t. Stop. Eating. Crap! Ugh. It’s a vicious cycle! I love you and your candor xoxo

  9. Rhonda says

    Jenny, you are unnecessarily hard on yourself. I know it’s easy for me to say, but the truth is you know it too. Instead of approaching life as a diet challenge that you cannot possibly win, try to turn it around and use a different perspective and tell yourself you are trying to live a healthier lifestyle. You can’t beat yourself up if you are at least trying. Don’t you always tell your children to do their best? That’s all you can do too. You seem to be obsessed with your obsession of food. Find something more productive to occupy that space in your head instead. Just don’t make the replacement an exercise obsession. In fact, try not to obsess at all. There are people that eat to live and ones that live to eat. Most of us are somewhere in between. Throw away your scale and just live!

  10. Nicole says

    This just makes me sad. I understand your issues with food, but food is about substance, nutrition, and, at times, celebration. Constant dieting is not real. Moderation, exercise and living life realizing that at times you are going to go up and down are just life.
    Stop beating your self up and just live and enjoy. Vacations are fun and you are missing out worrying about a button.
    You are awesome and skinny and wonderful. Enjoy and forget about perfect!!!!
    N

  11. Dianga says

    The great thing is how totally honest you are about the weight struggles, the lousy thing is how prone to judgment we all are about the process of getting/maintaining our bodies. We turn things too much inward, make it into a moral failing when we’re not perfect. If we could just cut the guilt and shame out of the process and be truly RATIONAL about our appearance, I think we’d all be a lot better off

  12. Jojo says

    OMG. Exactly – especially to Jules’ comments. Everything is relative – others may look and think we are thin – but it is a 24 hour struggle! I too am a size 4 – but I exercise my a$$ off – I eat what I want on the weekends but during the week I am extremely strict. I am 5 lbs heavier than my lowest weight and I miss it :-((
    I weigh myself every day and when it is a bad number, it affects my mood, which totally affects those around me. Jenny, peeps may think you have a problem when you were happy being down the scale after your infection – but I would have loved that! A 24 hour stomach flu would be awesome about now! LOL! Happy New Year!

  13. Sheila says

    I cannot imagine living every moment focused on food. What does that do to your daughter? Your son? You have defined your existence by how much you weigh. Your weight is who you are and if you don’t think your family is affected by this you are wrong. It makes me sad

    • Marcee ... ILLINOIS says

      Yeah. It’s the truth.

      As females we are judged by how we look. Not our brains or thinking capabilities. Sad. I just ignore it all at this point in my life.

      You are young. Sensible eating habits can stay with you for the years ahead. You can definitely enjoy food! Say no to unnecessary things. Or once inawhile, maybe.

      Sheila makes very good points.

  14. says

    Hey Jen. I would say the majority of us have been there..are there or will be there. I can remember 20+ years ago, at my obsessively thinnest, thinking I was huge. Our minds can sure trick and torment us! Then, although I was doing some modeling and things were going well (or so I thought) my husband dumped me for a fat chick with a huge nose! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! I then proceeded to gain 80 pounds in about 2 months. Woohoo. I sure showed him lol. Bottom line, many years later, it’s still a struggle. Ups and downs. I’m still trying to drop the last 20 lbs of baby weight (yes, I know she’s14 now but so….). But life is too short to keep obsessing. Don’t die-it. Just live-it. Sounds much more positive and pleasant! Give yourself permission to splurge a couple times a week. So what. It’s the size of the heart, not the body, that will impress people. Or maybe at least only the people who are WORTH impressing?

  15. says

    Oh, Jenny. Don’t hate yourself. You are so much more than your weight. I have to watch myself as well. Right now, I am chunky but I know that isn’t forever and that I still have a pretty face, an accomplished career, a loving family and an impressive intellect – not in that order of importance. I want to get to slender me because of my health and because my clothing fits better.
    I have a slim, exercise-loving friend who went to dinner with me recently and told me that she eats “just to create a turd.” Food is art, beauty, desire, temptation and fulfillment. The trick is to stop eating before the magic becomes just mastication. Until I can do that, I’ll stick with low-carb. It meets my needs for More….I wish you success in reaching your happy weight and a better appreciation of the You that makes the size not matter :)

  16. Sally Grossman says

    Jenny….stop being so hard on yourself. You look fabulous and lost so much weight. I shouldn’t talk because I think about every thing I eat and have done so since I was in my 20′s and I am 70 now. When you get older (after 50) it is VERY hard NOT to gain weight. I eat the same as I have forever (very healthy) I do eat carbs now and then and dessert, and I have gained 15 lbs since I was 50. Impossible to even lose a lb or two without starving…..so enjoy your vacation and you will lose the extra weight quickly because you are still young!

  17. Jeannine says

    I hear you, I too have had more celebratory foods this holiday season when our routines get off track. This thought has helped kept me from binging: “food is the most abused drug for anxiety” Becoming more aware of GMO’s in everything (soy, corn, rice, wheat) has kept me from eating too many processed junk foods that pack on the pounds. Soy is hidden in everything! Reading labels has helped me dump cookies, crackers, cereals, etc in favor of fresh fruit & nuts, organic if possible. When I read potatoes are so laden with pesticides that some farmers grow a separate patch for their own families, it cured my cravings for restaurant French fries forever. So the shift for me was giving up my weight number as a goal and making healthful choices to live longer and I’m keeping the weight down. No, I’m not my wedding weight but I’m hoping to settle where my body is wants to be. Your doing great Jenny, dont stress over your number, just get back on track with your commitment to your health. Have a happy, healthy, guilt-free new year!

  18. Marcee ... ILLINOIS says

    Everyone understands Jenny. We go through it too. Food is a necessity in life, it gives us energy to survive, fuels our hungry body. To me you are looking very good. If it’s a constant battle or struggle, I think you are being to difficult on Jenny. Take it easy.

    From what my baby-blue’s see on your plate, everything is healthy, manageable food. Just do not overeat. It’s all about common-sense-moderation. I l-o-v-e the sweets too. 1-2 cookies …. not 10. 1 slice of cake. 1 piece of pie. Not all together though!!

    Doing fine Jenny …. keep it up ( & real) for 2014!

  19. Jess says

    Jenny,
    Be kind to yourself! You’ve accomplished so much and you shouldn’t feel like you have to swear off the occasional treat or holiday celebration. You’re living a healthier lifestyle and don’t need to convince yourself that you’re on a diet. Don’t let little missteps upset you. Get back on track with normal, healthy meals. You are not the same person you were years ago when you were living a less healthy lifestyle. Be so proud of yourself for all of the healthy changes you’ve made to make your body happier as well as your body image! You are inspiration to all that weight loss is POSSIBLE.

    Thank you for your honesty and authenticity! It is so refreshing!! I LOVE listening to your show!! Oh and I totally agree that treats taste 1000X better in private. xo

  20. Juliette says

    Jenny, One thing in your post really stood out for me. The fact that you said your life depends on never being fat again. Why does your life depend on it? Do you think being super thin makes you a better person, a better wife, a better mother? It doesn’t! No one’s life or happiness should depend on their weight. Sure, we should eat healthy and limit fats, sugars, etc. for our health, not so we’ll be skinny. I try to eat right all the time – lots of organic fruits and vegetables, a little fish, some yogurt – but for my health. I don’t even own scales, and I’ve worn the same size clothes since I was a teenager. My life doesn’t depend on staying slim, though. If I got fat, I’d still be the same Juliette I am today. You need to work on loving yourself because you look fine. And as for being short, I’ll bet I’ve got you beat there – I’m 4’11″. Of course if you’re talking about your blood pressure and your health, I agree, it’s better to maintain a “normal” weight, just don’t hate yourself. Take your own advice and see each meal as a chance to start healthy eating all over again.

  21. May says

    Hello… This is the first time I’ve stumbled upon your blog. This post reminds me of myself, well the first part of it before the weight loss…. I’m roughly 104lbs heavier than I was 4 years ago… It’s horrible. HORRIBLE…. I hate myself, this isn’t me… I don’t know how to control this. I feel like I’m trapped inside my mind… :(

  22. bisbee says

    I listen to you on my way to work – it’s normally the repeat of the prior day’s show.

    Jenny – you have to stop obsessing about your weight. I know you were much heavier, and you have lost a lot. BUT…you don’t give yourself credit for your accomplishment, and you can’t possibly enjoy it when you OBSESS OVER 2 OR 3 OR 5 POUNDS!!!

    Stop it. I’m sure you drive your husband and your kids crazy. You are too grown up for this behavior.

    OK – my lecture is over. Carry on.

  23. Tribrat says

    lol!! How do you even remember how much you weighed 20 years ago! Try a juice cleanse for 3 days! U will feel great after! I use suja.com. It’s amazing! They sell suja at whole foods.

  24. bonnie says

    Wow … I didn’t realize you were still blogging on http://www.whateverradio.com I was checking out Martha’s blog and just for funnzies click on this link – SCORE! Yay!

    Sorry to hear you beating up on yourself. Hope your vacation was enjoyable aside from your food/weight anxiety. I’m certain you are back on track … but enjoy life and this means eating to live!

    Glad I found you, again!

  25. Helene says

    You have the genetics to be a fatso and can’t change that, so embrace your inner fat pig and stop boring everyone with your drama!

  26. Tim says

    Bottom line is… be happy w/ how you are {that’s really important} and don’t obsess over silly things like dieting.

    I’ve always been overweight (currently 325lbs.); I have just recently been diagnosed as a pre-diabetic (i.e. not needing insulin injections). I have to worry about dieting- for me, it’s now a matter of life or death… let me do the worrying for you.

    I think you’re gorgeous & you don’t need to change a thing!!! Since you’re married, please tell me you have an identical twin sister who’s still single (even if it’s a lie…).

  27. Amy says

    WOW! you obsess about food and your weight. It’s depressing to read day after day and I can’t even imagine how your family deals with it. You are a beautiful woman regardless of what you weigh. When we meet our maker there isn’t a scale at the Pearly Gates. Weighing yourself everyday is unhealthy and crazy, you are setting your daughter up for a life of misery and your son will have an unrealistic view of what to value and look for in a woman. You HAVE to stop this! it’s not cute or funny or beneficial to anyone. Go back to the Jenny that was on “whatever” I don’t mean with your co-host but just go back to the simple person that you were, in the end, everyone will be happier. Good luck!

  28. D says

    Jenny Please go to weight watchers. I know you do not need to lose weight and maybe need to gain a few lbs to be really comfortable….. but what you will get from weekly meetings with a great leader, will change your life. It changed mine and did so quickly and for good. You are incredibly hard on yourself and have what I would describe as a very unhealthy attitude toward food and eating. You remind me of myself long ago. I have lost 45 lbs over the last 11 months and have another 20-30 to go depending on how I feel when I get there. WW is different than it was in prior years. I joined and quit a bunch of times but now it’s different. I know I can do it and I honestly don’t feel like it’s difficult. I eat desserts and bread and I manage it. Please try but you have to find a really great leader. Not any old leader will do. Good luck.

  29. says

    Jenny,
    I read your post but heard it in my own voice. This is pretty much my life. I struggled with any eating disorder for more than 20 years (no more!) I don’t know how to eat without guilt. It’s horrible. I wont step on a scale anymore. I give that number too much attention, good and bad. I am normal weight, but always looking to loose more. Ugh

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