This is the 6th Mother’s Day without my mom.
I’m 44 years old.
And I feel my mom’s absence even more now than I did a few years ago.
I think it’s because I’m in my mid life (or her 3/4 life!) and feel so much like I remember her to be.
I understand my mom more today than I did when she was here.
And it stings that I can’t tell her that.
My mom was so overwhelmed by her love for us it scared the crap out of her.
And I believe in some ways this overabundance of feeling and fear rendered her (some of the time) unable to function.
I want to live in the backseat of my kids’ cars when they start driving.
I want to go to college with them too.
I don’t know how I’ll ever let go.
I so get how she never could.
My used to be babies she knew are teenagers now.
AND IT IS AWESOME and AWFUL.
Their independence is around the corner mom.
Not sure how I’ll survive.
Not sure how you did as long as you did.
At the same time- there is no greater joy for me than watching my two kids flourish, stumble, grow, breathe and be.
And no greater sadness today than the fact that my mom doesn’t get this joy.
It takes the smile from my face.
It turns my laughter to tears.
She would’ve loved them so now.
She loved them so much then.