44.

 

MOMMY! Jan. 2008 : 6 mos before she died.

MOMMY! Jan. 2008 : 6 mos before she died.

Stupid cancer. 

This is the 6th Mother’s Day without my mom.
I’m 44 years old.
And I feel my mom’s absence even more now than I did a few years ago.

I think it’s because I’m in my mid life (or her 3/4 life!)  and feel so much like I remember her to be.
I understand my mom more today than I did when she was here.
And it stings that I can’t tell her that.

My mom was  so overwhelmed by her love for us it scared the crap out of her.
And I believe in some ways this overabundance of feeling and fear rendered her (some of the time) unable to function.

I want to live in the backseat of my kids’ cars when they start driving.
I want to go to college with them too.
I don’t know how I’ll ever let go.
I so get how she never could.

My used to be babies she knew are teenagers now.
AND IT IS AWESOME and AWFUL.

Their independence is around the corner mom.
Not sure how I’ll survive.
Not sure how you did as long as you did.

At the same time- there is no greater joy for me than watching my two kids flourish, stumble, grow, breathe and be.
And no greater sadness today than the fact that my mom doesn’t get this joy.
It takes the smile from my face.
It turns my laughter to tears.
It sucks.

She would’ve loved them so now.
She loved them so much then.

 

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Nancy Raine Smego says

    Wait until your kids become parents. It’s awful and thrilling at the same time. The circle of life. My parents would be so proud of the father Michael is. It’s a double edged sword. Love you.

  2. says

    Your post is sweet, raw, lovely, and sad. My heart goes out to you on this Mother’s Day. Your mother is surely looking over you and feeling pride for the mother that you have become.

    Happy Mother’s Day

    • Karen Larson says

      Lost my Mother at 18. She never met the adult me, my husband or was able to be see my boys. It kills me. I hate that I’m almost 50 and still crying for my Mom. Happy Mother’s Day to you. Bittersweet as it is.

  3. Cindi says

    Oh Jenny, I am so sorry for the pain and sadness you are feeling. About the kids, I am a crazy worrier. (Always have been even as a child). With six kids, I always have something to panic About When they were young it was physically tiring, now that they are older it is emotionally draining. I would not trade it for the world, and I know they know they are loved. I have to remind myself “let go and let them grow up”. Your a great Mom and I love your show

  4. Paige says

    April 24 marked three years since I lost my mama. She died on Easter Sunday. Mother’s Day is brutal for me. I, like you, try so hard to act normal and be happy for my little girl, she is two, and my husband who tries so hard to make it a special day but truth is I just want to forget about Mother’s Day and move on. Sending big hugs your way!!

  5. Kimberly Wisniewski says

    I always love and admire your brutal honesty. This was heart wrenching and heart warming both at the same time. What makes you so likeable is the way you wear your heart out on your sleeve for the world to see. It seems your mom was full of emotion too. What a beautiful thing to have inherited. She was absolutely stunning. Thank you for sharing on this most difficult day. ❤️

  6. Kara says

    Your mom was a powerful rock star. She inspired all of us with her beauty and her ‘cool’. She loved the three of you so hard, and she also loved kids. I felt her caring even if I saw her at school. She was delicious and beautiful and funny and smart- just like you. I loved what you wrote and how you wrote it.
    -Vklempt in Tequesta

  7. donna says

    you should read Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. Many years ago it helped me to understand that it’s ok to feel the way I feel. I lost my mother when I was 12, she was 39. I’ll be 60 in September and I still cry most days. It could be a little thing that sets me off. I think it’s nuts to still be crying but I can’t stop. I mostly do it in my car when I’m alone.

  8. deanna gower says

    I am a new listener and catch your Weight Wednesday’s which had me laughing on the way to work today. I wanted to know more about you and saw this post about your mother. I lost my twin sister 18 months ago to a stroke. She has three daughters and are struggling so much to make sense of all of this and feel it is getting harder as the time goes by not easier. I sent a copy of this to them, to let them know they are not alone. I am always telling them to let the tears flow as it will help. Now there are 1 and 2 on the way grandchildren that never knew the wonderful Grandmother they could have had… IT SUCKS……

    • says

      im so sorry… so hard. but the girls have you! and you have them. love eachother. I am sure you will. but yeah. totally sucks.

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