Cleanse I talked about on air today May 22, 2014

a sneak peek of Jennifer's cleanse- go like her fb page!

a sneak peek of Jennifer’s cleanse- go like her fb page!

The idea to do this for two weeks comes from Jennifer Gruber-Schwartz :

NO sugar, candy, cake, cookies, ice cream, soda, chips, pasta, dairy or bread. *

Unlimited Protein
Unlimited fruits and vegetables (watching amounts of high sugar fruits/starchy vegetables)
Little to no dairy- and if any make it nonfat
Fat free/Sugar free condiments… (salad dressing etc)

That’s pretty much it.. for two weeks!
Let’s see if we can do this together and how we are feeling after! Must lose the bloat!
(You and I might have headaches first couple of days… but that’s what coffee is for!)
Good Luck! #TurkeyBaconIsOk

I plan to post my daily food diary each night  -click here. Plan to. #NotPromisingTo


* I will still have my one (BIG) cup of coffee each day with 2tbs lowfat half and half and a little sugar.


I hate myself today.

The number on the scale in mexico is HIGH.
My diet will begin tomorrow in Miami- we leave for there today.
I’ve been away for a week. Ive been fat for the past three days of this week.
I am mid month in my menstrual cycle – always a higher weight!
Why can’t I be a super perfect dieting wonder?
Why can’t I eat healthfully while on vacation?
Why do I eat french fries
and guacamole
and tortillas
and seven grain bread
and chocolate?!
I have problems. With food.
Food is my problem.
Food is the enemy.
My love of (or is it my compulsion over) food is the enemy.
I am the enemy.UGH. When it comes to my mind, my body, food and how they intersect, I am a convoluted mess.

I have worn the same normal size person jeans for over three years.
This is a huge accomplishment for me. HUGE.
Year to year before, I used to guess each season what would (or would not!) fit.
Still feels like a miracle that I can pull something from my closet, step into it and it buttons.
Sure, some days the button feels easier to close than others, but my jeans always fit.
And yet the fear that I will spiral out of control and gain sixty lbs in the blink of an eye is ever present.

I won’t tell you what I weigh.
Nope. Not. Gonna. Happen.
But here’s some background information.

1970: I was born. 6lbs 8oz.

1979: I was about 80 lbs and short.

1984:  The numbers get higher. but arguably not that high. I was still short.
and actually I was around the same weight I am today. But maybe a touch shorter.

1986: At my sweet sixteen I was 16lbs less than I am today and had a severe case of mono.

1988: I was 10lbs less than I am today at my highschool prom.

1992: At my college graduation I was 23lbs heavier than I am now.

1992: Start of law school I was 6 lbs less than I am now.

1995: I met my husband. I was 32lbs more than I am now.

1998: First baby born. 90lbs heavier than I am now.

2000: Second baby born. 80lbs heavier than I am now.

2003: Weight gain due to emotional stress. 90lbs heavier than I am now.

2005: Lost a bit of weight. 50lbs heavier than I am now.

2008: Death of my mom. 66-70lbs heavier than I am today. I didn’t get on the scale much then…

2009: Started dieting. In February. I was 39 years old.

2010: Hit my super low adult weight- which is 5lbs lower than I am today.
But really that super low weight is almost impossible for me to maintain. I can do so by eating just
one meal a day. essentially.

I am eating more than one meal a day.
I am eating three meals a day.


I felt so much better (mentally) just after my bacterial stomach infection two weeks ago that rendered me back to my “happy” weight. I had been really sick.  I couldn’t tolerate more than eight pretzel rods a day with a gatorade chaser but hey, that’s living.. no?

I kid. kinda. I did love the protruding bones I was starting to feel but being sick makes me fear death. I fear death when not sick so I dont need an extra reason to worry!
But the roar of my returning appetite is the devil in disguise.

Vacation for most means a time to relax.
I relax. I sleep some more. I exercise.

And my discipline in the face of the fattening disappears.
I lose my uptight inhibited self during meals. And end up consuming way more than I want to.

This is all embarrassing to even admit- especially as a former fat person.
I feel guilty, less than and frankly like a loser that I can’t keep my  f$&king mouth shut during vacation.

Theoretically I COULD just say “no thank you” to the bread, french fries and chocolate. But instead I find myself walking into the sundry shop and purchasing the chocolate.

Oh. My. Gd.
Vacation gives me too much time to think.
Solitude renders me vulnerable to an abundance of emotions.
I don’t want to have any more emotions.
Chocolate is yummy.

My brother  (@BrianKoppelman) tweeted yesterday “I might be the world’s worst dieter. That’s all. Carry on.”

No Brian, we all suck at dieting because dieting sucks. Especially when food has quietly been a coping mechanism for years.

I have to diet  because I can never be fat again.
My life depends on it.
But man, the bumps, struggles, cake and candy along the way are brutal.

And the necessity to get on the scale throughout my vacation definitely lessens my good time.

But what else can I do?

My diet starts tomorrow.


PS: Here is a collection of other posts I’ve written about weight.



Anxiety is normal. kinda. Plus! My diet. NEVER EASY!

Thanks Dr. Drew for always making me feel better. You are a terrific doctor!

Dieting is a constant way of life for me… and frankly for most of my friends too!
I have maintained my weight loss so far for about three years. And it takes great effort.

the black clothes didn't really make me look thinner.

the black clothes didn’t really make me look thinner.

There are days I eat healthfully- meaning fruits, vegetables plus lean protein and other days I put so much garbage in my mouth I cannot believe it.

Food shame still exists for me as does my love of the poptart.

One thing I have found that works well for me lately [Read more…]

weight related blog posts:

Here are some past blog posts about my weight issues:

January 2009 “And so I begin again..”

May 2010 “Well now that you’ve mentioned it…”

November 2010 “Once a fattie always a fattie

July 2011 “Some say I am obsessive, yup about almost everything”

April 2012 “Putting your daughter on a diet just might make her fatter”

April 2013 “Everyone likes seeing my fat pictures. Everyone but me”