hi everyone!
my friend is still going through hell (see how to mend a broken heart post below) and i am doing my best to help her through it…
i have that pit in my belly that i felt when it happened to me 16 years ago!
i am telling her that if the relationship ends a new one will surface eventually.
it’s better to be with someone who makes you feel good not bad.
the problem is i think the fear of being alone is getting in the way of her seeing the situation clearly…how can i help that????
ugh.
xoxo
jennifer
aim:whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
Jen, seriously, you are very empathetic to feel her pain like this. However, she needs to buck up a little, shoulders back, chin up and like Auntie Mame says “LIVE! LIVE! LIVE! Live is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death.” She isn’t dying of cancer or issued a death sentence. A boy doesn’t like her, okay. It’s been almost a week now and she needs to get her life back. Frankly, I couldn’t do what you are doing so more power to you for being a good person.
I don’t know that you can help with her fear of being alone. It’s something she has to work through. I’ve been there, done that a number of times and I know that it hurts so bad sometimes you don’t know if you’ll recover. But the reality is that just about everyone goes through it and just about everyone gets though it. I feel for anyone with an aching heart and I hope that she finds strength in friends such as you to help her overcome this.
Have her get a cat or dog. Then she won’t be lonely. I wish I would have known that in my single days.
Being alone is a part of our lives…AS IS being with someone…she will NOT go for the rest of her life without someone. But life with someone who is not right or makes you miserable, is OPPRESSIVE. She is feeling the aftermath of that sort of oppression. I don’t mean that in a flippant way. You suppress parts of yourself in most types of relationships. After you remove yourself from a bad relationship, you are now confronted by the enormity of the possible. It’s frightening to be suddenly free and still love parts of the old. Like in death, you mourn because you still love that person and that unique love has no one to go to anymore. Her relationship has died…I know, morbid, she still loves parts (but only parts) of that relationship and she has no person to give that to yet. And you mourn especially when that person is part of your daily life. Her routine is completely out of whack. She will create a new routine soon. She will get there. But make sure she makes as clean a break as possible. There is NOTHING to be gain by torturing yourself over and over. Other than to make yourself hurt. She is in charge of not hurting herself, no one else. Good Luck Jennifer, your are doing a good job being a friend. What a wonderful blessing to have such a talent!
Maybe you could gently point out; no sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach 16 years ago equals no Keithy, equals no Hutt one, Hutt two! When it’s fresh one doesn’t see clearly, so it’s a real advantage to be removed from actual situation with a dear friend while you are finding your footing again.
So enjoy the show, hard to believe there was nothing like it before…thanks.
Treat her to a day of beauty, and then take her out for a drink afterward. Don’t make it a huge thing, or say things like it’s a “girls night out”. Just make it a nice evening for the two of you and hopefully she will feel good enough about herself that a couple of good-looking guys will approach her. Maybe then she will see that the light is brighter at the other end of the tunnel. I think just a simple positive affirmation every day or so will work wonders for her. When encouragement or compliments are piled on too thick we tend to just think that it is just said to make us feel better and that it is not really true. But in small doses, I think it comes across genuinely, and really gives you something to think about. Good luck.
Poor thing! I’m sorry for your friend. Yes that’s the worst but look how she has you to help her through it! Imagine being all alone with no support at all like most people! She’s already on her way to recovery from the pain. She’ll be finding Mr. Right in no time. She doesn’t know it yet but the best for her is yet to come!
Is she just at your house crying non stop? If so, you’ve got to get firm with her. If she’s still just mopey, I guess that’s understandable, but you have to see her laugh a bit! Once she starts laughing, I think she’ll be on the road to recovery. Good luck!
As the saying goes, the only way to get over someone is to get under someone. It’s true. Until she has someone new to focus her attention, she’s going to dwell on her past relationship. Also she needs time. One of my all time favorite books is “How to Survive the Loss of a Love.” It is an extremely easy read and is so validating and healing. I can’t recommend it enough.
this is sad, there is nothing you can do, to get your friend out of this mindset, expect listen and be a friend.
she is not going to snap out of this in one week, sometimes people take months or even years.
Tell your friend there is a huge difference between being “alone” and being “lonely”….and that difference comes from choice and perspective.
Jen,
You need to read A New Earth. It’s all about staying in the present moment. Your friend is getting caught up in her head, and that’s what is making her miserable.
Jennifer
agree with Newsguy, disagree with Stacey (re: not being able to be ok until you have someone else). You’ll never be really ok if you need someone else there to feel decent. It’s the choices we make that really shape our lives – so many people don’t get that…
i know someone who is a very nice person, pretty, incredibly loyal and a very good friend but shy. everyone who knows her agrees but because she doesn’t sleep around or give head on her first date, she doesn’t date much. unfortunately, she has given up hope that she will ever find someone because the pain of failure is so great, the anticipation of love horrible. several years ago, she did fall in love but it didn’t work out as it always was on his terms (one of those on/off relationships). when i ask her was it worth it, the YEARS OF PAIN AND THERAPY, yes, you read that right, when she shut herself down for this pig, years of hoping that he might come back, the idiot said yes, she now knows that she is capable of having a relationahip and loving, that it wasn’t her fault for the breakup (same scenerio, too immature) and while she was with him, it was wonderful. by the way, she ended up getting cancer (can you read STRESS) and completed got rid of the pig emotionally when this happened. we all blamed the pig for this. this is my sister, one of the loves of my life. she is almost 50 and it kills me that she has given up. she has other things in her life more worthwhile, she says (my kids) and said if it happens it happens but she can’t handle the single clubs or online dating anymore. that she has shut down and will not allow herself to be out there anymore because, as she puts it, men my age want someone in their 20’s, which kills me. i feel as if she has given up but it is her choice. she is very successful and i’ve discovered this happens to alot of women in her bracket and age group, the giving up because lonliness is easier than the pain of trying and hurting. so, tell your friend to stop whining. there are some people in life who do everything right and still get nothing. chances are, she’ll fall in love and lust again. tell her to get drunk for a weekend and to never ever give that pig the satisfaction of knowing he did this to her. men are leaches, they will suck the life out of you and will get sick thrills out of telling their friends how he is soooo great, look what he did to so and so and how she can’t get over him. life is too short. get on with it. (what would she tell her friend if this happened to her). you can always find companionship if that is what you are looking for. love is very rare and if you find it, it has to be a two way streak, not just on your part. i know many people who are married, but few who are in love. sorry.
i heard years ago when i was going through my divorce that it takes one month for every year you were together to start to feel ok. that didn’t feally make me feel so great because we were together over 20 years and that sounded like forever. like i said, when she starts to feel alittle better, it’s way to soon now, fix her up. now i forget what the man (i’m being kind) looked like and what it was like being with him.
I like what Newsguy said.
Just the same, a broken heart deserves some wallow time. It’s a good sign that she even wants to stay with you. Some people totally isolate. Just don’t take it personally that you can’t cheer her up. You’re a fab friend!
Tell your friend to go volunteer in a homeless shelter or the children’s cancer ward of a nearby hospital. Maybe that will get her over her self-centeredness and realize that she aint’ got it so bad.
I agree with Gigi – time to get it together. Everyone has gone through what this girl is going through. In my mind no relationship is better than a bad relationship. Whenever I perceive that something sucks in my life, I try to stop and remember that whatever I’m going through there are millions of people going through something worse so I should suck it up and be greatful for what I have in my life. Joan Rivers of all people said something on TV one time that has stuck with me forever “Don’t bitch because your car broke down, be thankful you have a car at all”. She went on with several other examples but you get the point.
You friend should be greatful she has you as a friend and she should focus on the positives in her life. Try to get her to help someone less fortunate than herself – it will keep her busy and her mind occupied and also she may stop being so self indulgent and get on with it. Just my opinion.
My grandmother’s advice:
It is better to be alone than to be poorly accompanied.
I would advise introspective reading to spend time learning about herself, TIME, the next partner will be better than the one she lost, (if she does the work)
Very very sad. Hope she picks herself up sooner than later.
I think she needs a pet… if she is a pet lover. I think a little kitty or dog would make her so much happier. She would be focused on taking care of the new pet, and she wouldn’t be so focused on the past relationship. Better yet, if she got a new puppy, it would get her out, and she would meet a lot of new people. Plus, she wouldn’t feel so alone.
It’s situations like hers that make me grateful I’m still married… Whew! No more mind games to deal with.
Well
I heard that it is a good thing
to get some pals together.
the girls are supposed to bring a single cousin.brother, friend, uncle, somebody who is looking to date.
All the single girls bring the single guy to kinda mix with the singles girls also at the party.
Also i saw a website called
https://www.exboyfriendjewelry.com/
I went through this 14 years ago and it was so horrible! For me, I was afraid of being alone (even with pets) and I had wrapped myself up in this guy’s life so much, I had no life of my alone, so when we broke up, it left a gaping hole in my life. I was also convinced it was my fault because in some way I wasn’t good enough. It’s horrible! While it is true that she will eventually get through it, she can’t see that now. I ended up (against my will, really) getting involved with running, then a casual running/social club and by the time I met my wonderful husband, I had my own life, and didn’t need him to provide one for me. That was the best thing I could have done for myself. Before, I had gone from boyfriend to boyfriend since high school and since I had no life of my own, I was either staying with a bad boyfriend or looking for a new one because I had nothing else. Very, very sad. Once I broke that cycle, things got much better. Of course, I was over 30 by then. I am reading a funny book called Animal Husbandry that she might like. It is about being dumped, and I can relate to much of it. Best wishes to her and good for you for being so supportive, Jen! I was lucky to have a friend like you who let me lie on her sofa and cry for hours on end. I have always been grateful to her for that.
Wow – I totally don’t give a crap.
I don’t really think there is much that you can do. It is a process and she will go through it in her own time. Just be her friend and let her cry, feed her, know that she will snap out of it soon, and always love you just for being there for her.
Your friend is still there? Geezus. Tell her it’s time to go and get her life back. Or make her life better, because if she’s that upset over a man and worried about being alone or lonely, she needs to enrich her own life. It’s time for her to give of herself to someone who is truly in need. Yeah, it’s sad, it takes time…but she’s healthy!!
or if it’s the comments you don’t like, don’t read them. Jen, you are a compassionate friend, and it is nice that people are trying to help your friend- bad breakups are really hard. Since it was clear what the topic of the blog and comments were, it seems like it would be easy to avoid those which don’t interest…
Deciding to end a relationship is a difficult one. Who knows whether the problems you are experiencing are normal or not. The fear of being alone is a strong fear to say the least. It is controlling and manipulative. Is it me or is it him? Who knows? I feel a sense if relief for your friend, at least a decision has been made and now all she can do is move forward. To me, that’s exciting, unless you have your whole life wrapped up in someone and it comes down to who get the t.v. and who gets the cats. Note to self – never get pets unless they are for your children!
This is how animals end up on the street, in shelters, euthanized, dead. Pets aren’t meant to be quick “pick me ups”. Too many people get pets for the wrong reasons. If you are willing and able to make a 10+ year commitment to a dog or cat, by all means visit a shelter and give one a good home. If you’re looking for something to make you feel better, have a milkshake.
Your pal needs to not dwell on this breakup…
i mean yes she may go on a can’t eat a thing sadness diet..and she may lose sleep and get bags under her eyes…
or she may grab the first loser who looks like old BF…lots of people tend to hook up with twinnys
people who in some way resemble the X
I say for her to cry it out then get a makeover and then
have a singles party…
some people have broken engagment parties some have Happy Divorced parties she could have a
looking for a new guy party!
The only pet i would say for her to get is an awsome fish called:
BETTA
these fellas are fantastic and can live in any kind of container and they can live in flower vases
half aquariums you can hang on the wall…
and just about any bottle you have that is good for them to live in…
see:
https://cgi.ebay.com/Hanging-Aquarium-Bubble-Wall-Fish-Tank-Betta-Bowl_W0QQitemZ300160765774QQihZ020QQcategoryZ134749QQtcZphotoQQcmdZViewItem?refid=store
some people have lots of these cuties
no pet is better than them..
also if you catch an ant or a fly
they love them…
or a hermit crab…
neither of which would end up in an animal shelter…
I didn’t want her to get a pet unless she was a PET LOVER. And of course, I wouldn’t recommend anyone to get a pet if they didn’t realize the huge responsibility that goes along with it. I am single though with a dog, and it gets me out more & I am constantly meeting people.
Sounds to me like she needs a night of multiple orgasms ,maybe set her up with pubic hair mike or paulie…