hi everyone.
the 5 stages of grief:
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance
i am going through the first 4 no problem-
but i cannot get to acceptance…. i just cant…i wonder how people do.
things are really bad… i know this, but i keep thinking things will get better. (1. denial) (btw my mom was diganosed last fall…this is not new. and she is INoperable).
and i am insanely angry (2. anger)…at almost everyone….this includes the drs, my friends, my family, anyone intimately involved in the situation…even though i know it is NONE of their faults and all are trying to help.
i’m angry with myself…maybe i should’ve pushed harder for another treatment…maybe i should’ve researched even more…maybe we should’ve been less aggressive. maybe we should’ve been more aggressive…and i know really i/we have been doing everything possible (and will continue to try) to save my mother (and we are keeping her out of pain!)…knowing full well that cancer just sucks.
i’ve got rage. MAJOR RAGE. watch out i’m going to freak rage.
so i ask g-d (sure…now i need g-d, how typical am i?!) if you let my mother make it, if you let her get better i’ll blah blah blah… i’ll be a better person. a perfect person. i’ll give up sugar! (kidding).
(can you say 3. bargaining)
and then there is the inescapable sadness (4. depression)… i wake up with it in the morning and i go to sleep with it at night (no not a restful sleep).
thankfully i laugh inappropriately during the day…between my sister stacy and my husband keith, a few good friends and willing (forced) drs who listen to me babble on like a jackass i can let loose and laugh through the tears…crude humor works wonders.
and i am now carrying xanax in my bag… NO I HAVEN’T TAKEN ANY…yet but i reserve the right to take meds when/if i feel the need.
AND i am SO FAR from acceptance (5. acceptance!)- so far i wonder if i’ll ever get there.
xxx
jennifer
aim:whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
Please take the Xanax. Allow yourself some personal relief. At least to allow your mind to stop going so fast so that you can get some rest at night. I take it as needed and it does help. You have to shut down sometime or you will not be able to help yourself, your mother, or anyone in your family.
Jennifer, I know you’re Jewish and I know Alexis isn’t the most religious person. However, you don’t need to promise anything to God if you ask him for something. You just to need to be a good person and accept God (no, don’t convert to Christianity, just accept your own God). I know: barf, right? But, that’s the way it works. Also, acceptance doesn’t mean you’re cool with the fact that your Mom has cancer. It means that you understand that your Mom has cancer and that her time on Earth may be limited. Accepting means that you’re not mulling over things, instead you’re spending quality time with your Mom. Shoulda coulda woulda doesn’t apply here, nor does it apply at any time in your life. Live in the moment. Get lots of hugs. Hugs hugs hugs.
I am so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Jennifer,
PLease know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. It is truly a terrible time for you, but you will get to acceptance when you are ready, no sooner. Just be kind to yourself right now. Take the Xanax if you need it.
Dear Jen,
If you’ve been dealing this for almost a year, no wonder you are worn out. You are human and normal. You are in my thoughts.
Take care of yourself. Take the Xanax at night so at least you can sleep. I worry about you, I worry about your mother. I wake up thinking about you and hoping everything is ok for one more day. Acceptance cannot be easy, it probably won’t come until after your ordeal is over. Be thankful for all the years you have had your wonderful mother and be a weak blutherer when you need to. Anybody who doesn’t understand that doesn’t deserve to be your friend. Hug your kids, that always makes me feel better. Love ya!
I also agree with others…please take some medication to allow you to comprehend and be somewhat calm t understand and be there for yourself and your family. Take care of yourself and my prayers are with you.
Did you know that there were tabs to push in on the sides of boxes of foil and plastic wrap, so the roll does fall out when you pull it? I never knew this. Just learned this on Rosie’s Blog…Thought I would take your mind somewhere else for a minute!
I wouldn’t take any meds and try to shut down. It will only delay the processing of all of this. I would stay as present as possible. Just be with your mom in any way you know – be sad, be mad, be all of it. Just be. Love her, love yourself.
Jenn…a while from now …when you look back on this….you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and say…I was there for my mom..in all the important ways. And you have been.It has had to be a blessing to live right next door. You’ve been a great daughter. I’m a few years older than you, and when my Dad was sick , I went thought the same things that you are. I was on Zoloff at the time …I know it helped.
(((Jennifer)))if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be much help to your Mom and family. Take the Xanax. I lost my Mom 4 years ago and it was the WORST day of my life. Her illness lasted 3 years and it was horrible watching the person you love MORE than life, suffer. I did go through the five stages of grief and acceptance was the HARDEST one to get. With the help of my Mom, I finally got it! Tomorrow is never guaranteed, even for the healthy. All I can say is CHERISH these moments with your Mom. Document EVERY day…through photos’, videos’, keep a journal, record your Mom’s words. Keep your Mom SMILING! I know you’re doing this by having the list send greetings and that’s a wonderful thing to have done for her. Laughter is the sound that bonds.Study and memorize EVERY lovely line of her face. Whatever you do DON’T cry in front of your Mom! OMG! When we found out my Mom had two weeks to live, even though we were expecting it, I couldn’t stop sobbing! My Mom looked at me and said, “If you’re going to continue to that, I’m going to die NOW!” She was serious! The words stunned both of us, and we HOWLLLED until there were tears streaming down her face as well. This IS hard Jennifer, but your Mom’s NOT gone yet! Enjoy the NOW, live in the NOW and laugh — you, Bunny and your wonderful family! God is with you! He’ll lead the way and just know you are SAFE in His hands! My prayers, love and thoughts are with you!
Love,
Dresden
Jennifer–
For your mother’s sake, you need to force yourself into acceptance, she wouldn’t have wanted to live the life she’s living in that hospital bed, you should be thankful for what you’ve had with her and stop being so self centered and think of what’s TRULY best for your mother.
The most important thing you can do is spend as much time with your Mom as possible (I know you are already). Ask you Mom as many questions as you can about her child hood, her first date..anything you can thing of. When she is gone you will no longer be able to ask these things. It is difficult to think of her not being here, but you have to accept it and deal with it and move on to making the most of the time you have left with her. This advice was given by my Mom, who lost both of her parents, to my husband who’s father has cancer.
Jennifer, I know this is a terribly tough time for you and your family. But do you realize what a gift you are giving to others by sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly? I know it will help others going through similar circumstances. You are a real blessing to many and we are all sending our love back to you.
Jennifer, all my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now. I hope you get some peace in knowing that you are a gift to your mom and being with her during this time and being such a wonderful daughter gives her peace as well. All my best to you. Hang in there.
My heart aches for you and your family. It truly hurts in my chest right now. I lost my dad when I was ten and you never get over it completely but you will come to acceptance. Don’t force it. You will just wake up one day and realize you have come to that point. I think just having the xanax available is comforting and I understand the desire to take it. You’re just afraid the pain will overtake you. It will, but not forever.
can’t help you with the stages, that will come with time, hopefully. but i can help you with the guilt. i’m a rn, worked in oncology and ccu for many years. pancreatic cancer is a death sentence unless you catch it by accident. did you read what i said. unless she had some type of other test checking for some other problem and they caught it in the beginning stages by accident. then MAYBE she would have had a chance. there is no treatment that works long term (that i have had experienced with). i have seen patients maybe survive a few months longer. those are the miracles. there is nothing you could do. now, the bad part. i have seen many patients suffer and hold off dying because they are waiting for something or someone to come. don’t let your mother hold on and suffer in pain until you accept it. i know that sounds cold and cruel and i have no idea what your situation is but i have seen patients linger. and linger painfully. enjoy the lucid moments she has. take pictures (don’t laugh, i cherish the pics of my family members in this state. because i will never forget and it makes me remember their wonderful life and how it ended. however, i have been called a sick bastard for doing that) i know you are there for her. did they suggest hospice? just wondering. (oh, i tried all of that barganing stuff, too. doesn’t work. don’t waste your energy on it. read the book on ghost amongst us by james van praagh. very interesting theory on the afterlife — tear jerker at times.) BREATHE….
It all sucks, no Xanax is gonna help that. There’s no such thing as “closure” either, that’s a myth. But…there’s nothing to fear either because your mom is alive with you now, but will one day reside in the most tender of places in your heart forever, so we never really “lose” the ones we love.
Jennifer — My heart aches for what your mom, you and your family are going through. It’s like being in a war.
For us, acceptance was a process — it first started when we weighed the quality of life vs. the potential for any kind of meaningful recovery. As things got worse, the goals moved from keeping life going at any cost, to helping my dad be free from the pain, to wanting to help give him back control of his life. There was a point where we knew he needed us to let him go. Listen to your heart — your mom will guide you.
Hi Jenny! I have not yet experienced the loss of my parents, so I probably cannot fully understand what you are going through. I have lost all my grandparents, and I was especially close to my maternal ones. I found the book Life After Loss by Bob Deits helpful. I still refer to it when I need to. It is a long process.
Jennifer, unfortunately I went through a similar situation recently, but it was my young sister (54 is very young these days)who passed away. Even if we were 10 years apart (I’m 45), everyone always said that we were closer than most twins are! She was my closest friend, buddy and partner in fun. I have not commented on your blog (too painful for me to write about those memories), but your latest blog entry really hit me. You and I are so similar in personality, believes and thoughts — I’ve said that from day one of your show.
I went through so many of the same issues with the Drs. that it sent chills up my spine when you spoke about it. I finally figured out how to best deal with them to get what YOUR FAMILY needs; not what’s convenient for them/the hospital. But in a nice way! 🙂
You have to know that whatever you are feeling right now is the right thing to feel — don’t second guess it; rather let the thoughts into your mind, then out. Everyone wonders what more they could have done. It’s normal. No matter the Dr. or the hospital, cancer is such an atrocious disease. My sister was in “the best” place with the country’s top doctor’s for her type of cancer, and still there are just some situations that they can’t make better. Know that you are doing all you can do, researched what you could have and all roads led to the path your family is now on. I don’t know how you get beyond the “acceptance” because I’m so not there. I just know that when I’m especially glum, I remember that she suffers no more, and passed with as much dignity as that effing disease allows. And THAT was our family’s decision on how to play it – not the “little God” Drs. So, no matter what THEY tell you, remember every decision lies with how your family wants it to go, and what Bunny’s wishes are. Don’t let the Drs. decide, it’s your call. I wish your family peace and comfort.
Hi Jenny, I think that as we experience the 5 stages we go in and out of them as we journey through the illness or whatever it is we are going through. You have already “accepted” the illness,for example.You are being way too hard on yourself. Please take care..you are amazing.
Oh you’ve gotta take XANAX — when my young husband was going thru cancer, operation, recouperation, HEAVY HEAVY CHEMO – well it took the edge off. And lemme tell you, I HATED EVERYBODY AROUND ME FOR HAVING THEIR DAMN PERFECT LIVES WITH NONE OF WHAT I WAS LIVING WITH AND GOING THRU WITH MY YOUNG CHILDREN. In a word IT SUCKED! Oh so back to the XANAX – those tiny tiny pills really take the edge off and they change you what-so-ever. Basically – IT HELPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stage 5 is the hardest and takes the longest. My father died when I was 13 and I didn’t move on from anger and depression for several years. Don’t keep kicking yourself because you can’t put it all behind you and be your bormal happy self. Nobody expects that of you, and honestly if yopu weren’t wrestling with these feelings, I would be concerned.
All you can do is hope and pray, have faith in Bunny’s doctors and try to get through each day one at a time. Everyday your mom survives is one more chance for a cure for this horrible disease to be found.
We’re all hoping and praying with you….
XOXOXOXOXO
Jennifer, you are exactly where you should be in terms of your emotions. Acceptance is something you’re probably not ready for. It does SUCK. I haven’t been able to listen to the show for a while, and then when I found out about your mother my first reaction was shock. It proves that cancer doesn’t discriminate. You and your mom seem to have it all – you’re beautiful, successfull, happy, good people!!, etc., but still bad things still happen and it SUCKS. I can also very much relate to the pancreatic cancer thing. My mom had it when I was 19 and it was terrible – just terrible. I remmeber feeling very angry – desperate for someone to help my mother. It’s almost like having aids – you seem someone beautiful shrink before your eyes.
Keep doing what you need to do. You’re doing fine and you’re there for our Mom.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Now go out and have a good scream, or eat ice cream – whatever you want. It SUCKS!
Jennifer, I am so very sad for you, your family and anyone else going through sickness and death. I think about death a lot and am so scared for the day that I will see my dad die. I know it is going to happen, but I cant help myself to not think about it, and he isnt even sick or anything. I had to deal with a very close friend dying after being diagnosed with colon cancer 6 weeks before. Her death has forever changed my life. I think about you a lot and what your going through and I cry each time you post a blog. I have no words of wisdom or suggestions to help ease your pain. All I know is when it happens your mom will never leave you. You will see her shadows and hear her voice forever. Do you and your sister talk about death? Saying the word hurts however that helps with acceptance. What are the jewish customs with dealing with death?
Jennifer,
sending a big hug to you. sometime life sucks big time . . . but we go on. remember you are teaching your kids, through what they see you doing, about how to deal with adversity and the eventual death of a loved one….make sure they have someone to talk to if they need it….and be good to yourself during all of this.
Jennifer,
This is the part of life that really sucks. I cried every day for a year when my mother passed away from cancer. That was over 25 years ago. Just take it day by day, minute by minute. Don’t overthink the situation. Be with her and tell her how much you love her. You are in my thoughts.
Best wishes,
Kathy
Jennifer I feel every pain you are going through, my Mother passed, (I’m not saying your Mom is going to) 3 years ago, and the acceptance was the hardest part. It doesn’t come easy. My Mom has been gone for 3 years, and I only recently realized I had never ACCEPTED it. What hit me like a brick wall was A New Earth, I was reading it and listening to the Oprah webcasts, and it was like a lightning bolt, I had never accepted my Mother’s passing, let alone accepting it, I had never even realized that I HADN’T accepted it. This is a bad time in your life, I wish I could make it easier for you, but it is one of those things that you have to get through alone in your own way with a little help from your friends. I really wish you peace. Take care, Jennifer.
Jennifer, I’m with most…take the xanaz, that’s why you have it. You need to also take care of yourself, so you can give your all to your mom (and your dad) Xanax is not a bad thing! You might also think about getting some zoloft…that really helped me when my dad died (16yrs yesterday)I dont believe in ‘closure’ or really even ‘acceptance’. You do things on your own time…one day, who knows when, you’ll realize you are making it okay and you will get through the next day. Cherish moments with your mom as I know you do. A friend recently went through this, instead of standing around the room being sad, angry etc, his mom (the one who died)told them to get it together and tell childhood stories…they did and didnt stop for over 5 hours! He said it was so good for EVERYONE
Jenny we all love you and we are sending you positive thoughts and prayers! Try to take care of yourself and take the Xanax at night to sleep. Hang in there…you are one beautiful, strong and amazing person.
jennifer…take the xanax..that’s what it is for. It will help you ‘regroup’ and you need to rest in order to do your best for your mom. Zoloft may also help for longer term. It helped me when my dad suddenly died 16yrs ago yesterday. Recently a friend of mine was dealing with the last stages of his mom’s illness. They were all with her, sad, angry…when she said ‘Stop all that! Why dont you guys tell stories of your childhoods…I’d love to hear” So they did…for 6 hours! They laughed, cried, told on eachother..his mom said it was the best send off she could have imagined. I thought this was brilliant. He said he couldnt beleive how much of the stress it relieved and made it easier on the entire family. As another writer posted, ask your mom stories about her childhood,dating stories etc. I bet she’d love to tell stories..and make her smile! A big hug to you and your family.
Jen, FUCK cancer. Just fuck cancer. It sucks. You are being robbed, no two ways about it. But….the way your mother has loved you your whole life will carry you through this. It will. I promise you will smile a lot again some day. Just look at your kids. Hang in there. We are all praying for you!!!! Plus, you still have your hottie good looks :)!!!!
My heart just absolutely aches for you and your mom, and your family, too. There are just no “right words”, ya know?? My Mom had some cysts removed from her breasts last year that fortunately (thank g-d) were not malignent and turned out to be non-cancerous (is that a word??); but I just remember feeling so helpless and scared and very sad…just waiting for the results after all the tests…It felt like my chest was so heavy and weighed down with a ton of bricks…I can only IMAGINE what you must be feeling NOT having positive news…
I am thinking of you and yes, praying, too. In a strange way, I feel like I’m going through this with you…just being so sad for you all. I hope that you and your family will all be in better spirits and places emotionally, soon. xoxox, Danielle
try to remember that your children are experiencing this horror through you and your behavior…… they absorb and learn alot more than parents realize
Jennifer, you and your loved ones are in my prayers and I am sorry for what you are having to deal with. Girl, just keep putting one foot in front of the other…however you can get through each moment is the key. If you want the Xanax, take it, if you want to laugh or cry, do it. Do whatever you need, and don’t worry about the stages. They will come and go for quite a while—and screw acceptance. When you’re ready to deal with it, you will. Lots of prayers for whatever you need, Christy
Don’t wish your life away- acceptance will come when it is meant to. Live in the moment.
Jennifer, I don’t have any real words of wisdom for you, but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and your mom & your family are in my thoughts and prayers. xxx
Jennifer,
When my dad got sick and I was going through my version of a similar situation, it was only when I started taking simple meds did I clear my head enough to be able to go through the process of (eventually) losing him. The meds helped tremendously – I really couldn’t have survived without it. I’m sorry you (and anyone) have to go through this. Treasure the time with your mom. I think the idea of capturing this period in pictures is a very good idea. Only time (ultimately) will heal you. My best to each of you in your family and to your dear Bunny.
You can only begin to achieve acceptance when you let go of the selfishness that goes along with grief. You need to focus on enjoying the time you have with her now, living for the moment, not focusing on long term. Acceptance will be easier if you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you did exactly as your Mother would want you to do – you enjoyed the time spent with her, even during her horrible fight with cancer.
Please take the Xanax. Last year I was going through a rough separation with my husband (we are back together and stronger than ever) and I such a horrible anxiety issue that my stomach hurt my chest was tight and alcohol wasn’t relieving it. I finally went to my dr and got the pills. We ended up getting back together right after but when I thought about not being with him ever again it made me sick. Take it, there’s nothing to be ashamed of by taking that to help you get through a rough situation. Once you start taking it though, don’t abruptly stop. Your doctor will need to wean you off.
Get as angry as you need to…I had cancer 5 yrs ago when I was 48 yrs old. I was so scared and angry that the only thing that helped me was Ativan. If it hadn’t been for that, I would have gone crazy. I highly recommend that. I can’t tell you how to handle the rest. Yes, I’ve taken care of close friends and family that died from cancer, but I’ve never been as graceful about it as I wanted to be. You just do what you need to do, and we’ll all be here for you. That all…We all love you.
my mom died 8.5 yrs ago. my biggest regret from that time and afterward was that i did NOT take anything. yes, you need to grieve, BUT if you feel the grief is taking over your life (as it did mine) or you’d just like to get a decent night’s sleep, take the xanax.
take good care of yourself. my thoughts are with you and your family.
Jenny, I highly recommend the Xanax… The myth associated with psychotropic drugs is that they help you delay or avoid the realities of life – well that’s just bullshit. The truth is that they help you deal with the realities of life in smaller doeses. They provide ‘filters’ that let your mind separate the important from the insignificant when being bombarded with a lot of stimuli. p.s. I’m in a shitty place right now, too. My aunt (who helped raise me) is in the bin again.
Hey Jenn,
Guess what? I don’t think that acceptance is our choice to make. I feel that it is imposed on us by time. As they say time heals all wounds. How can we be made to accept the unacceptable? Only time will tell. Find peace where you can and feel whatever it is you feel. There are no rules and you will get from point A to point B. Remember to tell her you love her. Before my Mom “left me” I told her I loved and that she did a good job raising me. I was with her until the end.
Peace and strength,
debs – Deborah Alperin
Here’s a silly joke for levity: A jewish husband and wife were arguing at breakfast over who was going to make the coffee that morning. The husband said: “You are the woman in this relationship, society says YOU should have to do it.” The wife replied: “Yeah, but you are the man in this relationship and religion says YOU should do it.” The husband looked at his wife completely confused and asked her to prove it. The wife opened the bible and said: “Hebrews”.
I just want to thank you for creating this outlet. I know you were looking for solace,which I pray you are finding, but all the responses are helping so many others- like me. It has been 7 years since my wonderful Dad passed from lung cancer and I am even now being helped by all the kind words and advice. Bless you and your dear Mom.
Jennifer, it’s so scary to face feelings, especially sad ones. If you can allow yourself to cope any way you can (and this means that binging on rice krispie treats or whatever your vice is), then they days may seem a little less painful. I don’t believe there is a roadmap to follow; whatever you do to get through this heartwrenching time is good enough.
Take the xanax. You will still feel everything. It takes the edge off. I was in the same situation, I used it during the stressful times. I still use it if I fly. I feel I am in control. I know I need it at difficult times and that is OK.
Jennifer: I totally understand about the anger, etc. but if I were you I’d spend every moment I could with my mom. Try to live in the NOW (I know this is hard). Don’t think about the past or the future, just now with your mom. Talk to her as much as you can, do things for her, etc. None of this is your fault and only God knows when a person is going to die. Enjoy your Mom so you’ll have more good memories to think about. God bless you and your family.
learnings from my own experience with my mother’s cancer
– ended up rationalizing “acceptance” by changing the word to peace; samantics but worked for me
– i’m at peace because had told my other exactly why i loved her
– i’m at peace because as a family we were together at the end and as hard as that may sound, for me i then had no questions, i was there
– and finally, your relationship doesn’t end, it changes – i talk to my mother all the time and believe she answers just not verbally
Dump the medication.
Acceptance finds you no matter how you hide.
this isnt going to sound so nice. but the thing about this is that you know how your mom will die.
Jen, I remember when my mother was dying 6 years ago. I came to realize it was so hard on her knowing she was leaving her six grown children orphans. She was hanging on and suffering a lot. I told her it was o.k. to go. We would really miss her a lot, but we’d be o.k.(of course I didn’t believe it at the time). She couldn’t even speak but I saw a calm come over her face and such love from her eyes. Giving her permission to die gave her and us peace. Don’t waste your time second-guessing decisions you made or didn’t make. In the end it really is all about the love-and that never leaves.
Oh Jennifer, what could I possibly say that hasn’t already been expressed most eloquently and touchingly by your loving fans and friends? I, and no doubt all the posters here, feel your sadness and anguish and hope that their words and good wishes give you even a tiny measure of comfort. I don’t presume to tell you what to do but I agree with other posters that you should try taking the Xanax. I think that being calmer can help you and you children deal a bit better. They will get affected by your anxiety and their coping mechanisms are not as well developed as an adult’s. They need your strength and you have to get it from wherever you can. Love, Monica.
Hi!
All the comments have said it all. When I am in a coaching session, I tell folks to let it out…scream if you have to, cry if you have to, eat (and I’m a WW mwmber) if you want to…whatever it takes to feel some release of the extreme pain – that you are going through watching someone you love go through this horrible disease. Please try and take care of yourself. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
i’ve been keeping in touch daily thru your blogs….Heartbraking, there are no words.
I lost my mom to cancer. IT ALL SUCKS. After she died (at 61) I would go to the supermarket and see these little old ladies ALIVE and I would want to run into them with my cart. I was so fucking angry that these decrepid old biddies were alive and my vivacious fun mom wasn’t. It’s still hard. I wish I could say it isn’t.
I forgot to say–YES, TAKE THE XANAX. I decided to try NOT taking my anxiety meds after my mom died. BIG MISTAKE. Don’t see it as a weakness–it’s an aid.
Jennifer, with all due respect and prayers for you and your family, please stop making this all about you. After your mom’s passing you’ll have plenty of time to focus on you. Let go and let God for now. It’s out of your hands.
My beloved Mom (I call her Mumi) died of the same horrific cancer 10 years ago August 2nd. I know exactly what you have been going through and all I can say is…… I’m so sorry for you and your family. My thoughts are with you and your BunnyMommy.
Xanax is a fucking great med that will get you through the shit. You’re in a messed up place and there is nothing you can do but get through it. The Xanax will help you get through the days. And my god, the creep Lindsey above can stick her head in the toilet. What a hideous thing to say to anyone whose dealing with a sick mom. Boooo Lindsey!
Jenn,
My friend’s mother was recently diagnosed with cancer and I was driving them to Hershey Medical Center here in Central PA where you think they work miracles, they didn’t this time, and mother passed on. I felt so defeated thinking that if I drove her there, she would be well again. However, when I heard of the extreme pain she was suffering, I knew nothing could be done and I accepted.
Jennifer when you see the pain is gone and the suffering has stopped, you will be accepting. In the meantime, treasure every moment you are having with your mother, love her, kiss her, hug her and recall old times with her and laugh with her.
I can hear your pain in your writing. This is not the good part of life and seems to find us when we least expect it.
Linda Kay
I just looked them up at Target.com and they are made by Sarah Blakley the girl who created Spanx. Funny!
Thank you for sharing your feelings Jennifer and letting everyone comment on such a personal part of your life. You will get to the “acceptance” phase but it will take time. Don’t even worry about that. I lost my mom (age 50) and have missed her every day of my life since. But I will tell you this – I have an angel watching over me and I’m positive of that. Also, life goes on and you will find that too. For now, your Mom knows you all love her and that’s all that matters.
i agree with kathymark. take the xanax or just try it one time and screw lindsey. is she kidding? thank you jennifer for forging on with the show. there are alot of us out here who really look forward to hearing you and alexis. hopefully it gives you something else to think about for atleast a couple of hours. xoxoxo
Jennifer, In my experience only, the only way to get to acceptance is time…you never ever stop feeling it, but time makes it hurt less in your heart….only time and a lot of it…
I’m so impressed with your honesty, with how in touch you are with what you’re feeling. It’s so hard not to tell you about ‘when my Mom was dying’, so I’ll refrain! But I know the fog you are in, I know the rage, I know the frustration (isn’t there MORE I should be/could be/oughtta be doing for this woman that gave birth to me?!). I have a brother and a sister and we all three dealt very differently. My sister was loud – obnoxiously singing to my Mom in the hospital! Aargh! – but sweet I guess. My brother would barely come near her, but never left her side, and joked the whole time. Me? I just sat it felt like. I really don’t know what I did. I watched her hair fall out and tucked it away as it fell. I plucked her chin hairs! heehee! She would have been mortified had she been cognizant enough to realize that a yard was growing on her chin! I held her hand and tucked her in at night.
Enough rambling – blessings to you……
Didn’t read all the posts however if you don’t already know… going through these stages is not linear. You will not successfully conquor one and move on to the next. The crappy thing about these stages are that one naturally goes back and forth between them at different times. Although I find it helpful myself to know that there is a process to it all as screwed up as it seams.
I am sorry for all you and your family is going through and have thought of you often. I can’t imagine what it is like and hope I never have too.
As for the meds… sleep will rejuvinate you for the battle and emotions you are dealing with. Recently I had to break down and take my xanax and at least woke up feeling like some pressure was lifted from my heart and head.
Hi Jennifer,
I am a cancer survivor (48 years old) and lost my mom to INoperable lung cancer…it is a terrible disease that takes it seems most everyone it can. I am sure you have asked your mom for guidance, for her comforting thoughts about how she wants you to try to handle things…the worst thing of all is the coming to terms with the fact that we all die and it SUCKS. Hang in there and know you have lots of people who dont even know you or your family who are thinking about you all and dipping our heads downward with empathy.
love,
Kb
Jennifer, so sorry to hear about your mom. My family lost my grandmother last month, she was a total matriarch and we all still feel empty. My best advice is to be with her every second, make sure you have no regrets, ask her all the questions you always wanted to, just spend hours hugging her and try to make sure that she is comfortable and happy. It is never an easy process but you’re allowed to feel angry and depressed, bargaining will get you nowhere. Make sure you are strong for your family and give them lots of love. Know that your mom’s best qualities can be found in all those who love her and that will eventually make you smile when you see little glimpses of her in other people.
All my best
All of this brings back so many memories. There are so many what if’s when your loved one receives this diagnosis. When my dad was dying, it took a long time for us to accept it, in fact I didn’t until the moment he died in my arms. I know it sounds strange to say this but it was magical. I am still so sad when I think about what our life could be like if we still had him here. Nothing will ever be the “best”, but it can be “next best”…
Whether or not you turn to god during a time like this is something you can do without feeling guilty for only doing it now. Myself, I didn’t go there, but I did ask questions and bargained to the sky – no one in particular, just a cloud or whatever was there at the time. And forget all the “maybes” that you’re thinking – there are some diagnoses that can’t be changed no matter what – and we have to think of quality of life vs. quantity of life!!
In all reality you will likely not hit “acceptance” until it’s all over and done with – whether it’s this week or next month or next year. If your mother is still here, how can you possibly expect to accept that one day she won’t be here and you’ll have to be without her forever? It’s unimaginable to think of a day without here. But when it happens, since you’ve worked through all the other stages (the “blessing” of a long-term terminal illness), acceptance will come pretty fast. You’ve had time to deal with all the crap for the past months. When my father died after 14 months of colon cancer that spread like wildfire and was untreatable, acceptance was pretty well immediate – I still wasn’t happy that he died, but I knew it was coming and there was nothing I (or anyone else) could do about it.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this – I know it is not easy – and I am so glad that you have a strong family to help you through it (I was alone). I also hope that making this public to your listeners is making this easier – no big secret that can slip out – and we all surely have our own opinions that we’re sharing whether you want it or not!!
you poor sad girl!! may God give you peace and take away grief from you. May he give your mom the strength to cope with all this. Amen..
PS: take some of the meds.. sure who carez! if it helps then why not!
Just wanted to say that I was thinking about you and your mom. That’s all. No advice. Wanted to let you know people out here care about ya’ll.
Peace.
Acceptance will come. It just takes longer than the rest.
Please jennifer make sure your Dad is ok with what is going on. Help him through this. This is where your kids mean a lot. You and your brother should make sure he is well and keeps strong. my prayers as always are with you all kiddo.
H
on a lighter side I sent Chrissy a note on Eddie Izard. He is funnier than Arty and i like Arty a lot. Eddie is like Robin Williams he just runs with a thread and unravels it in great humor (this tour he is just funny as hell. Also he only used 1 blue word once during the 2 shows I saw him at from this tour Arty can’t do that. Maybe you should go see him with Keith?You can still like Arty too.
I am also very sorry. My mom had cancer of the unknown primary which is also very bad. I was 34 at the time. I would go to her house and lie next to her on the bed holding her hand and talking to her. I remember what it was like waking up in the middle of the night and in the morning thinking it was just a nightmare and not real. It is true what Kristen said (above). I see my mom in my niece and nephew. I see the way she showed her love to my brother, sister and I in the way we show ours for my niece and nephews. It’s a horrible time for you; and, unfortunately, none of us can really make it any better for you. Just know that we really can feel what your feeling because it brings it all back to us.
Writing how you feel is a outward cry for help. I agree, you need to take care of yourself, so take the med and see how you do. Coping is so hard…you have to take life one hour at a time. Hugs to you!
Jennifer,
Words can’t express the sadness I feel for you and your mom and please know you’re in the prayers of many.
It’s really hard to give advice in tough situations like this because only YOU know what is right for you. What I would offer is that you stop beating yourself up over how you are feeling, reacting, ranting, whatever — it is what it is….a horrible situation you can’t control. So do what is best for you — your gut usually takes you in the right direction. So if the gut needs drugs, then so be it.
love and prayers,
sioux
Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and Bunny and your entire family! SO MUCH!
Jennifer,
So sorry you are going thru this. You are acting perfectly normal for someone who is dealing with a loved one with cancer. Acceptance will come when YOU are ready. You talk about the stages of grief as described by Dr. Ross, just know you can go in and out of any of these stages at any time and this is okay. Don’t worry about what the doctors, nurses or your friends think, they have most likely been thru this before. The only thing I can tell you for sure is to take one day at a time. It sounds like you have done all you can for your mom, just keep her as comfortable as possible and free from pain. Take the xanax if you need it,a good nights sleep will help you to function the next in a much better way. Remember when you feel better and refreshed you will function better, this will only help you, your mom and all the people around you. As a RN I have seen many families deal with illness and death, so take care of yourself. It will only benefit mom. Good Luck Jen.
Jennifer…..Slow down and be kind to you..its okay..do things in your own time and way..My Mum’s name is Bunny too and she has cancer as well what an awful disease….. .Bunny what a cute name for two cute little “Mums”..maybe this will make you smile…My Dad’s name was Jack….you can imagine the ribbing I took in high school Bunny and Jack…Rabbit !!! ..=o) ..I just wanted to reach out to you..and let you know all your fans are with you in thought and prayer……take care..and take your time…….Lori
jen, http://www.pancan.com
There is NO CURE FOR THIS. They can do nothing. They did not operate because it was inoperable at the point they opened her up. They zapped her with what they think will help and still, it’s a question of whether she enjoyed her life fron that point forward. This disease sucks as there is no warning and nothing you can do to prevent it and without a pancreas, life is seriously not worth living. You have every right to feel what you do. Take the xanex if you feel like it. Do what you NEED to do to get thru this. I tell you from experience, this effing disease is being researched by all the scientists at Sloan, MD Anderson and NW but to date, they make very slow progress. Do not blame yourself or feel guilty. You love your mom and that’s all you can do. I feel so bad for you, I think about you all the time as if you were a gfriend and I don’t even know you. If you need anything, just let it rip on the show, we are here for you.
To hell with Lindsey, this blog is about Jennifer and ONLY about Jennifer. Get a life.
Jennifer your post made me cry like a baby. 🙁
My heart goes out to you.
Just take the Xanax and be thankful that it even exists…
Jenn-I don’t know you, I’ve never met you, yet the thought of what you are going through right now is like a heavy weight on my mind. I’m so sorry. I’ve never taken a xanax in my life, but if I were where you are right now, I can’t say I wouldn’t start. My thoughts are with you and your family.
I also wanted to say, I’ve listened to you two nuts since the first day you were on the radio. I love when your mother’s (BOTH OF THEM) call in. It reminds me that no matter how old we get, we are all somebody’s kid and our parents will always be our parents.
your honesty with your situation is actually a form of acceptance. that you are even expressing it in a very open forum is a sign of dealing and trying to work through it. that you find humor in any way, means that you are looking out for yourself, which in turn makes you there for your mother. the spot you are in right now is the worst, but stay open and connected to her. love her and she will love you back and that will stay with you forever. some days are easier then others, but it will be a hole. turn to those that love you when you feel it.
my thoughts are with you and your family.
When I was going through a similar situation, I was literally paralyzed by the anger and denial. What I eventually came to realize is that my person wanted to talk about what she was going through — HER fears, the things she was proud of in life, silly things, serious things…LIFE things. Try to set the other stuff aside so that you can really hear that stuff. Those are the conversations/moments/looks that you will carry forward. Peace and strength to you and your family.
Yes Jennifer you will get to acceptance, not that it is easy. Take a pill if you need it, but I believe that the best medication is exercise. By exercise I mean leaving your Mom’s room and walking outside of the hospital. Get away from the depressing ward, walk out in the fresh air and just breathe. And walk, walk, walk, at a very fast pace. (Then when you get home, walk again, outside not on the treadmill)The way you will come to acceptance is to think of your Mom finally being out of pain. You will miss her horribly, but you will always have her in your heart. Sorry for your pain.
Jennifer
Please know you are not alone in your suffering. I think you might find strength in Man’s Search for Meaning: An introduction to Logotherapy by Victor Frankl. His concept of the case for tragic optimism posits why we also should have hope even in dire life circumstances.
Maybe your Mom is in and out, heavily medicated. Thankfully you have the means to spend this time with her, ensuring her comfort and caring for her.
Sadly we are all going to leave this place…it is never easy for anyone to either go through this, or watch their loved one go through it. Try to remember all of the wonderful things in life that you have shared.
You may think that you are SO FAR from acceptance, but you really aren’t…You cannot control what happens. Best to just enjoy each moment. Remember that one day, you too will have to leave this earth, and your sweet kids will be distraught…It’s okay to be sad and angry, and enraged, it’s normal.
None of those feelings change anything though, so think about the moments that you DO have and make them count for something…love, tenderness, laughter, sweetness, affection, towards your Mom and all of your extended family too.
Though I don’t know you, I feel for you, and the profound sadness you are experiencing…time does not heal, but somehow it does eventually dull the rawness.
You are the beautiful person you are due to your parents wonderful upbringing of you and your siblings. Take strength in the values, lessons, and moments taught by them. Capture every moment with her while you can. Let her know you love her and let her know you have been truly blessed by her Motherhood to you. We all are here for you and sending you love, strength, and patience.
I lost my father five years ago, and feel that I have just now reached what I consider to be a minimal level of acceptance. The pain is often unbearable, and I do not talk about it often to others; however, you will, in time, reach each stage. You may not be able to identify each stage, but in time you will recognize that somehow you have made it through each one. I often described the feeling to my friends as being in the ocean without a life jacket. At the end of each day, if I could just tread enough water to keep my head up, then that was good enough for that day. And little by little those days will add up until you will once again be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I promise it is there.
Jennifer, Lean on Keith, your family, and your Faith! Take the meds for your OWN sanity – this is not weakness. The Cornerstone of your Family being ill is brutal. Acceptance will come at your pace. Prayers to the Koppelman – Hutt Family
Again, Jennifer, why dull your senses? Feel all the emotions. Deal with it! You’ll be stronger after making it through to the “other side” after your mom’s passing. Set a good example for your children. Stop being such a drama queen. It’s your mom’s time to end her physical life after such a wonderful full life with your family. Seriously, get it together for now. Your time to go throught all the stages is later. Let this time be about your mom.
Lindsey – I bet you’ve never gone through a loss of a loved one (Do you even have any loved ones?) – you would NEVER write that if you had. Boo on you. Though I don’t wish loss on anyone, I would bet anything that you’d be writing quite differently if you had an ounce of love in your heart. I actually feel worse for you right now. What an empty person you must be. So very sad.
Jennifer, what you are going through is completely normal. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer when I was a senior in college, and was so very angry. I lashed out at people and have never been that kind of person. I also became very depressed where I would look at people laughing and could not understand how they could even feel that way…. you get through it. You need to just talk to those who understand and have been through the same thing. I found comfort in those people… so many people do not understand what you are going through. I also was very young, so none of my friends had any clue. I still miss my Dad today, it never goes away, but you do adjust and heal. Pancreatic cancer is the very worst, and I just pray that they find a cure someday. Don’t hold in any of your feelings though, it is OK to let it all out… be angry, be sad, just don’t hold anything in.
Jennifer 2 yrs ago my husbands dad was diagnosed with the same we had 23 days,I know you are angry but if you can try to make this very peaceful for your mother, bless her and your family and yourself , you will one day cherish the moments you are enduring now this is all the process of life there will plenty of time for the anger later do not let it take over your days the way the cancer has we are with you and love you, Take Care your Mother would not want any less rember the times she soothed you as a child now it is her turn.
Oh Jennifer, my heart goes out to you. I am praying for you, your mom and your family.
Why? I got stuck on why, then, finally, OK. I get it, but, why? Momma passed on 02/22/08, I just wanna know why.
Oh Jennifer…I am so sorry for the way you are hurting right now. I still have my parents, but we lost my father-in-law a couple of years ago and my husband had such a hard time dealing with it. He was full of rage as well. You just are not ready for the acceptance part yet, and that is OK. You will get there in time. And, as far as God is concerned, pray….he is listening. I am praying for you and your family, and for comfort for your Mom. Hang in there and if you need that xanax take it, you do have the right.
Joshua 1:5
You poor darling girl. I weep because I have been there and know all that you’re feeling. Its so very deeply painful that its unbearable. I will continue to say prayers for all of you.
As tough as it is, you need to let your anger go(as it is eating at you and others)and try to accept the situation as a natural stage in your Mom’s life journey. A sad one; although a natural one and try to focus on acceptance of the situation, rather than fighting it. You are taking on alot of responsibility for something that none of you really have any control over. The doctors are doing all they can do but ultimately, this is her natural destiny.. unfortunately a sad one. My friend of 17 years died and saw him suffer for many years. I got to the point of accepting what I know I could do, doing it, and then ultimately know that I have to put the rest into God’s hands.
Peace to you and your family
Jennifer, I read your words and it hits so close to home for me. You are so normal it’s not funny. It will be awhile and no, life will not be the same anymore. I am coping with the loss of both my parents back-to-back. My mom died suddenly of a heart attack, my dad went a little slower seven months later. I can’t tell you which is worse, it’s still very painful. I am pulling for you, it sounds like you have a good, strong family unit and you will all support eachother. Hopefully we who try to comfort you help as well. I shall remain, thinking and praying for you.
xoxo
Mica in Miami
There are a lot of caring fans out there….good advice, similar stories. Take comfort in that.
Sweetie, there is nothing you or anyone can do…. love her and let her go… My thoughts are with you.
stop making this blog about YOU, you’re not helping Jennifer, you’re not helping her family, you’re not helping any of us like you so SHUT THE FUCK UP you heartless dick. When someone is sick, it’s about everyone that’s close to them and it’s obvious you have no one close to you and I bet you were beaten as a child (sounds like you deserved it if you were as big a bitch then as you are now) oh and when you comment and try to be “something” check your spelling your fucking dumbass.
And gigi/joann – what the fuck are YOU on? That was NOT the best choice of words but then again, most of your comments aren’t.
Jen,
I am so sorry you are going through this, and I wish I had the magic solution to make it all better!
Do whatever you need to (ie: massive amounts of chocolate, xanax,etc) to help yourself cope right now.
My thoughts are with you and your family!
Jennifer, always thinking the best for you and your family. On a lighter note, do you see what is so great about your show….your blog relates to your personal hardships and Alexis is discussing (sexy) pantyhose…what other show would deliver that on the same site?
<5. acceptance>>
Jennifer: I have been in your shoes, like many others. I believe that there will be time for acceptance in the future. Right now, you still have your mom. While she is alive, there is hope. Maybe for a day, maybe for many. Tell her a cute story about your son or daughter. Even make one up to make her smile.
When my young dad died, I would have given up the rest of my life to have one more hour with him. Take your hour now, and be kind to yourself.
G-d bless you.
xxoo
Haleigh
Take the drugs and get something so you get some decent sleep. I like Lunesta for a great eight hours of sleep but it does leave a nasty taste in your mouth(worth it for a solid eight hours of sleep!)Taking care of yourself so you can be there for your mom and your family is so important right now.
Take care, spend every minute you can with your mom. You will never regret it.
For three months this year I helped care for a friend who had terminal breast cancer, she died at 50 after a 12 year battle(all out war!). I don’t regret one sinlge minute of my time at there home, as exhausting as it was at times, the money I lost from not having a job or the pain I feel now after losing a friend of 25 years. I experienced all of the same emotions, still do, always will, so you will you I think and it’s okay, at least you know why you feel so angry!
Prayers coming your way.
I am so sorry you are all going through this. My thoughts are with you and your family. I thank you for sharing your personal journey with the rest of us.
HUGS to you Jennifer 🙁
Jenny, I just noticed that UK Red Magazine has a section on how to beat anxiety in order to allow you to live. Now I don’t have the issue on hand so I don’t know if its worth it, but pick up the magazine anyway. Its from the UK but you can easily find it at Borders or Barns and Noble. And even if the article sucks the rest of the magazine is quite great. I figured it could be something to help distract you while you are sitting with your mom. Check it out! 🙂
Jennifer,
There is no shame in taking the Xanax. Please take some before bed and you may, just might get some good rest.
I too was in your shoes. I lost my dad almost 3 years ago. I still have trouble with all 5 steps of grief, at various points. It will be that way for some time.
My heart is with you. Keep strong.
You can’t force yourself into acceptance or put a time frame on it. My father died of cancer 3 years ago and I have made it through anger, bargaining, depression, but I’m still in denial. I also don’t think I’m even close to acceptance. All I can suggest is to stay close to your family and friends. They will help you through this.
take the xanax.
Jen, do whatever you want to do. There is absolutely nothing more important in your life right now than this all encompassing challenge. Be strong when you feel you need to and allow yourself to collapse when needed. So many are thinking and praying for you and yours, I am just one on a long list. Everything you are doing is exactly the right thing because it is done out of love. Godspeed to you all!
Hi Jenn, I can feel your desperation in your writing… acceptance is very dificult, but just think that when the time comes she will be moving on to bigger and better things and once again one day you will be reunited with your mom. Be the best you can be for her and all her needs, and make sure she feels your support and that you are all going to be okay. Peace is something she really needs right now.
Don’t doubt anything you have done for her, and if you need to pop one of those pills do it!
Keep Smiling!
Stop asking questions, because there are no answers. Take each day as it comes. Don’t waste time asking “what if?” Just love your family, your children and your friends.
At some point, you’re gonna have to let go and let God… Our lives belong to HIM, not us, but I’m sure you already know that.
Jenny darling,
I understand what you are going though. Like i have said before, let it out. Step 5 will happen, but it will happen over time. Enjoy the time you have with Bunny, love her, hold her cherish her. Be there for her when you can,but take the time out for yourself. This is not an easy thing to deal with, death is not fun at all. But at some point, there will be an ending, I know that you don’t want to hear that, but from the medical stand point, it’s going to happen. I know how hard this is god I know, I see it everyday. The only thing i an suggest that you do is to make as many memories as you can. We in the medical field understand what you are going though. If you need someone to talk to, let me know.
Take care of you
Ken RN
Oh Jennifer my heart breaks for you. I’m so angry at these “perfect” people who feel they have any right at all to critique how you deal with YOUR mothers illness. When ever someone has a problem I tell them to follow there heart. That’s exactly what you’re doing, and don’t stop. Though I don’t know any of you personally, I’m willing to bet your mother is very proud of you. It’s her opinion that is the only one that matters. I’ll keep your mother and your whole family in my prayers.
Enjoy each day and know that everything will be okay. My father died 4 years ago and I thought I would stay in bed crying forever, but that didn’t happen… family happened and life happened and I was propelled forward. Life goes on and it is amazing. Blessings to you and yours.
Wow, Jennifer. I feel so deeply for you and what you’re going through. I watched an aunt suffer through her cancer and the pain and anguish was indescribable. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I guess the only consolation you’ll be able to find is that you’ve had a good relationship with your mother. Hold on to that and it will carry you through your grief. Take care. – Celia
Love to you, lovely, weird Jennifer.
Just keep on taking it day by day. I work with hospice patients and know that everyone handles death and grief differently. Please, don’t let these a-holes get you down. Everyone handles stress of sickness differently. You are amazing to let the whole world into your very private issues. I think that you are a strong women who has given your love to all around you. You are a good mother and daughter and I know that your Momma is proud of your compassion for live and love. She had taught you to be who you are today. So keep up your fight and all you do. Again, Please don’t let the comments keep you down.
They are just F’d up people who have nothing better to do! I love your show and in the face of your own drama you are still putting a smile on my face everyday.
Wow. Jennifer. I am sorry you are in so much pain. When my g-pop was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, I was so proud of him. He continued the best he could…getting things in order, making sure my g-mom was taken care of, making sure everyone knew what work needed to be done on the house. and I didn’t realize it until the funeral, when the priest brought it to my attention, saying that “john knew what was happening and he kept going” and I thought, the best gift we gave him was allowing him to keep going–at his speed. I remember during the holidays (he died in januay) my aunt bought and cooked him lobster. Something he loved, but could only afford on a very occassional basis (every 10 years). It was such a thoughtful gift and one that told me that it was really happening and that I had to accept what was happening. Though, acceptance of the situation is what your mom needs from you, you need to find it on your own and you will.
today on your program you and Alexis were talking about what helped and what didn’t. The words that got me through were from a nurse in the palliative care unit who said on a card to me “you loved her well”. I held on to this through all the tough times. You love your mom well too.
Christine
Just a side note, There are so many entries encouraging taking xanax. I find that interesting. I take xanax occassionally, and I am not sure that is the best thing right now. To be honest, Xanax may be most helpful during the after math of everything, but it just doesn’t seem like it Jennifer’s thing. She likes to feel and express all of her raw emotions and being able to do that is just as good as popping a pill. I wish I was brave enough to accept and vocalize my emotions. I know that Jennifer will be strong and show her kids that it is ok to grieve (death or no death) and that life will continue. and you have the great honor to have had that person in your life. bisous
don’t mean to sound cold but . . .
give all this energy to enjoying your mother while she is still with you – i don’t know if you have children – but as a mother i know when my child is hurting and i want to take the pain away – she can’t do that now – don’t put that burden on her –
cherish every moment – it’s about her right now – you’ll have time for this anger later –
sounds a bit cliche but
“make each moment count”
peace
gloria
p.s. if you can’t sleep and don’t want the xanax – sip of bit of good brandy, make a toast to your mom and the life you did get to share, when you got to laugh, sing, dance, get angry over stupid things that didn’t seem so stupid then or whatever –
jennifer:
I am so sorry for the Pain that your mother is experiencing.
I am so sorry for the Pain that you and your family are experiencing.
I lost my Father from cancer in 1985. (he was 55). Everyday, I feel his energy. Please grieve and remember the greatness of your mother.
In 23 years it will still hurt. You will still remember and Honor your mother. When other people die, you will grieve with them. (Tim Russert stirred up old memories because he died on my Parent’s anniversary and was buried on my Father’s Birthday)
Take each day, and enjoy them. thanks for your great outlet! Who will grieve for us in 100 years?
I didn’t get to catch the discussion on today’s show (re: comforting people who come to visit your mother), but I wanted to add that I think you should feel it appropriate to decide as a family when to (respectfully) ask that all but immediate family and very, very close friends not visit your mother and your family. I am unsure of your mother’s level of consciousness, but it has been my sad, personal experience that once our loved ones pass into a state of semi-consciousness, visits from friends and family to “say goodbye” only serve themselves and not the sick person and certainly not the immediate family. Shiva is for the living. That is the time to comfort the bereaved. Of course you want to respect people that desire to visit but really, you need to save your strength and tears for the days ahead. I apologize if this message is unnecessarily pessimistic, but it is based on what I heard in your voice this afternoon (that things are not good). Peace be with you…
Fuck Cancer.
Acceptance? I don’t know. Can we ever really accept it? It sucks and it makes no sense. Really hard to accept.
My partner of twenty years died suddenly on August 10th last year. I still haven’t got to acceptance. Also, there is really no order to the stages of grief, one minute you’re angry, the next depressed etc etc. Good luck Jennifer, it’s a nightmare. Keep your friends and family close and allow them to help and support you.
Take care.
Acceptance comes with time, a very long time!
Never feel guilty for what you are feeling or what
you say.
Inappropriate laughter will help get you through the
tremendous anger and sorrow.
You are loved!
I was about your age when i went through with my mother what you are going through with your mother. The time I felt acceptance was when she got so bad that death would be a welcomed release,and it sucks but hang in there.
Jennifer, music comforts me. Maybe you will find some comfort in the words composed by Bob Dylan in his song “When The Deal Goes Down.” I hope so.
“In the still of the night, in the world’s ancient light where wisdom grows up in strife, my bewildering brain, toils in vain through the darkness on the pathways of life. Each invisible prayer is like a cloud in the air. Tomorrow keeps turning around. We live and we die, we know not why
But I’ll be with you when the deal goes down.
We eat and we drink, we feel and we think. Far down the street we stray. I laugh and I cry and I’m haunted by things I never meant nor wished to say. The midnight rain follows the train. We all wear the same thorny crown. Soul to soul, our shadows roll
And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down.
Well, the moon gives light and it shines by night when I scarcely feel the glow. We learn to live and then we forgive. Over the road we’re bound to go. More frailer than the flowers, these precious hours that keep us so tightly bound. You come to my eyes like a vision from the skies.
And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down.
Well, I picked up a rose and it poked through my clothes I followed the winding stream. I heard the deafening noise, I felt transient joys. I know they’re not what they seem, in this earthly domain, full of disappointment and pain. You’ll never see me frown. I owe my heart to you, and that’s saying it’s true.
And I’ll be with you when the deal goes down.”
Dear Jennie,
I’ve been there. I know your feelings intimately. My family and I had spent years struggling to keep mom alive, protecting her from unnecessary pain by living in the hospital with her, administering care because the nurses were just too rough, and in short, doing everything to keep her going because we couldn’t let go of such a magnificent person. How strange it was that I was alone with my mom as she passed away suddenly last Christmas; I was frightened and unbelieving that this was actually happening. And my brothers and sisters weren’t there! So I did what I had to do. If you are able, when the time comes, to be there to comfort, to whisper “I love you,” to tell her that you’ll be there for her always…, then my dear, you will be able to find acceptance, because you will have taken her to doorstep of her new life. And honey, she will be there waiting for you when your time comes.
I took Sonata to sleep at night, and Effexor to get through the days. No shame in that.
And because life does indeed go on, here is how you turn off your Apple iphone: hold down the top button without releasing for 5 seconds, a slider bar will pop down for you to turn it off. The next time you turn it on you’ll see the apple icon for a minute while the phone recharges, then you’ll be back in business.
With compassion for you and your family, Ali
I only want to give you a cyber hug and say “I love ya”, and maybe cry a few tears with you. Hang in there sweetie.
Lets change the subject and make you laugh what happened to Charlie Rose’s eye. Never have seen a commentator with a black eye. Ha Ha It is kind of funny
Jennifer- Again wishing you all the best…Give yourself time. Don’t try to move through these stages, they are different for everyone. Grief and loss are individual things; I see this a lot as a therapist. Having a whole range of different feelings and emotions is normal in really an awful and ‘abnormal’ situation and accpetance is a long process! I continue to think of you all and your mother and pray for the best! Sending lots of love and support from a the Berkshires!
jenifer i love to get angry at you for not sharing. you have so many fears that drive me crazy all the time.this is why i have to give you BIG UPS for sharing a part of your life that i fear in my life.i can’t imagine what your going through, but i do hope you ignore hurtful people.i think all we can do as people is enjoy every moment we have.so we don’t have regrets.you’ll be in my prayers.. i love you guys
chad
Jennifer,
Your mom adores you. I’ve seen photos of her and heard her when she has called the show. As a mom of a 33 year old daughter and a 26 year old son, the last thing I would ever want is for my children to be stressed. Let it go. Tell your mom as often as you can how much you love her and gently let her rest knowing you are at peace. That’s what I would want. I still haven’t accepted my dad’s passing and it will be 1 year on 7/16. I keep thinking I’ll see him shortly
If you say “It’s impossible”, God says “All things are possible” (Luke 18:27). If you say “I’m too tired”, God says “I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). If you say “Nobody really loves me”, God says “I love you” (John 3:34). If you say “I can’t go on”, God says “My grace is sufficient” (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15). If you say “I can’t figure things out”, God says “I will direct your steps” (Proverbs 3:5). If you say “I can’t do it”, God says “You can do all things” (Philippians 4:13). If you say “I’m not able”, God says “I am able” (II Corinthinans 9:8). If you say “It’s not worth it”, God says “It will be worth it” (Roman 8:28). If you say “I can’t forgive myself”, God says “I forgive you” (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1). If you say “I can’t manage”, God says “I will supply all your needs” (Philippians 4:19). If you say “I’m affraid”, God says “I have not given you a spirit of fear” (II Timothy 1:7). If you say “I’m always worried and frustrated”, God says “Cast all your cares on me” (I Peter 5:7). If you say “I’m not smart enough”, God says “I give you wisdom” (I Corinthians 1:30). If you say “I feel alone”, God says “I will NEVER leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5).
Jennifer,
I am sending positive thoughts your way, to you and all of your family. You and Alexis have made my long daily commute to and from work bearable, and I wish that I could help you at all in this difficult time. Take care of yourself, and please post any requests if there is anything we can do for you out here in cyberspace. Hopefully Alexis’ “friend’s” boob pictures made you smile at least a little bit. 🙂
Jennifer-The acceptance will come. It won”t happen today or even tomorrow,but,it will come. In the your daughter”s smile, in your son”s laugh, one day you will just realize how much they remind you of your mother. It will be the oddest thing, but, in that moment you will realize that you have accepted everything you were handed and you handled it WITH dignity and respect. In the meantime it is imperative you take care of yourself and your family. Take the Xanax for g-d sake. Take care of you now because you are all Keith and your kids have and they need you too. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Jennifer, my heart goes out to you and your family. God bless you for your honesty and being able to vent.
Jennifer,
I have been thinking about you and Bunny everyday. You know, before you told us listeners about Bunny’s pancreatic cancer I had this feeling something might be wrong. Mainly because it seemed like she stopped calling the show after her back surgery. I’ve been a listener since day one and I used to love it when Bunny called in. Her zaniness came right through! Nevertheless, I was stunned when you first posted about her illness.
I adore you and wish I could comfort you.
Acceptance will come when you are mentally and physically exhausted from being angry. Give your self permission to feel whatever emotion you need to. It’s okay. We all love you. Ruth
Jennifer, I lost my Mom when I was 12 and I wish I could tell you the pain goes away….I’m 33 and it never does, but day by day it gets easier and you will learn to forgive all the people you are angry at…even God.
A Mother is more than a memory. She is a living presence. Your
Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down
the street, she’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you
pick and perfume that she wore, she’s the cool hand on your brow when
you’re not feeling well, she’s your breath in the air on a cold winters day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a
rainbow, she is your birthday morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
My goodness woman, you just put this post up a little bit ago and you have 153 comments already!? It just shows how much love there is for you and how many people have their thoughts with your family. This is a tragedy, but you will heal Jennifer and your heart and the bond between all the family will grow so much stronger than it already is. God bless you all.
xoxo
Sarah
When I read your blog, I feel your pain. Be it only an inkling of what you are feeling. My heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your raw emotions with us.
In my opinion you should not take any drugs. All they do is mask and delay what you need to feel. Be present at all times. You will look back on this time, in about 2 years, and be able to remember all the great things that happen when you lose a loved one.
I lost both of my parents and now that time has passed I can truly see how death is so much a part of life. We are all going to die and when you have people in your life that have been through a loss like you are about to experience, it makes the process easier in that you don’t feel all alone.
It amazes me how you can be going thru this and still be able to come on the air every day and sound so up beat….I couldn’t do it. Sending nothing but good thoughts your way! Matt
jennifer,
Great advice, from Dianna I too lost my mom first and my dad just last year, you are so right for the first 2 years I could not even think of speak about them w/o falling apart.
Jennifer, it is not a matter of acceptance at this point. Take it one day at a time and spend as much time as you can with her, and help your dad, he is going to miss his soul mate much more than you can ever imagine.
Jennifer….know what you are feeling and going through. 20 years ago, it happened to me. I was just 35 at the time and within 6 weeks my mom @ 66 was diagnosed and died. She did, hwoever, have terrible medical care, and was not diagnosed in time, but the cancer was everywhere by the time she was rushed to the hospital. My kids were young like yours, they do remember her. She will always be there, in your mind, your thoughts, your feelings. It will take a long time to get through all of this, but it does happen. It drives my sister & me crazy when we see old people that are still going strong, and our mom was taken out so very young. She had just retired!! Hang in there, day by day
So sorry it had to end this way.
Stay strong, but not so strong, that you don’t grieve.
Your journey has been as tough as your moms. Rest assured that she will never leave you, she will always be by your side.
My mother died the same way yours did in 1994, almost exactly. You DO NOT EVER have to accept it. There is no order these stages have to appear and some of them never come and that is OKAY You need to feel bad until you do not feel bad anymore and that is the BOTTOM LINE..Do not hide your feelings or repress them. There is no schedule for the grief. There is no timetable and do not let ANYONE hold you to any kind of schedule You will be through it when you are through it, and you cannot go around.. there is NO WAY around, you have to go THROUGH. Its never OVER but you do find peace eventually. You will find the peace WHEN YOU ARE READY TO. For now, just feel your feelings. Cry when you need to, get numb, have a drink. get depressed, be happy…. none of it is black and white. Grief is an odd odd thing. You will find peace. I felt guilty for doing a crappy job taking care of her, and of course I was completely ill equipped to do this. Grief is not rational, it has no schedule, but you WILL FIND PEACE.
Liz
Thanks for sharing….
Hey, I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I have been surrounded by death for the past 3 years. My father in law was killed in an accident, and my father found he had pancreatic cancer and died within 72 hours,( I was in Europe and made it home 7 hours before he died) and those are just 2 of the 10 recent deaths. I have become well acquainted with grief. If I may offer some advice, stop obsessing about the grief. Grief really begins after death. And no amount of compartmentalizing, will make it easier to swallow, or make it go away faster, trust me. You might just be reaching out to control “something”. No amount of obsessing can change anything about the path that led you to where you are. So, take a deep breath, give yourself permission to feel every mixed up feeling you have now, after she is gone. Give her a gift, the only one you can right now, your love. Tell her you love her, tell her it’s okay to let go, that she raised you to be strong and you will be okay (even if you might not be so sure right now). She can hear you, she may just need to know that you are going to be okay. My father was “out of it” as well, but he could hear us. He actually got irritated enough (at being uncomfortable) to respond back to us within an hour of his death. It took all his strength, but he wanted us to know he could hear us. Just reassure her, she is probably scared. Tell her it will be okay, she will be okay, and you will be okay. And you will be okay. There will be days when you cry so much that your soul aches, but you will be okay. Unfortunately, grief isn’t something that “just gets better with time”. You have to feel your way through it. But, there is time for that when she is gone. Right now, hold her hand and close your eyes and let your entire being feel your love for her and hers for you. Celebrate memories of her life with the family, tell funny stories. Energy can be felt in a room. Let her leave this earth feeling the love of her family. You will never regret that. And you will be okay. Your family is in my prayers……………….
My computer froze when I tried to post a couple days ago, I just opened it today and it sent my comment. But, I see from the page that she has passed already. I’m so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you & your family…………
Jennifer, you will get to acceptance someday, and maybe even continue to bounce around through the stages of grief. I lost my dear mother 16 years ago when I was 20. I still miss her and cry sometimes… Someone once compared the death of a dear one to getting a cut on your knee. It heals up over time, but there will always be a scar that doesn’t hurt anymore, but you know it’s there. It’s forever changed you.
I wish you peace. Lean on whomever and whatever you can….
I’d like to tell u so many things….but the languange and the time make it almost impossible.I was you just five years ago.My father was 67.and since the moment of the “sentence” I knew it was the end.I started a therapy 2 years before his death,and I thought I was “prepared”…You’ll never prepared!I was so angry with God…but little by little,I could transform all my negative feelings in an enormous personal growth,with wich I’ll help my kids and family and friends in the future.I remember my father every day of my life.And I’m absolutely sure that he’s always with me.He’s my angel.
In Spain we haven’t xanax,but i could resist without it.With the love of my friends,with my therapist-friend comprehension,and a little of acupunture(yes,a needle just in the middle of my heart did a little miracle!!!) i could survive.And I’m sure that little miracles are waiting for you,when you just open the door.All my love,Giovanna
I am very very sorry that you lost your mother, your children’s grandmother to a senseless, horrible disease. I lost my mother five years ago to diabetes and kideny failure and like your mother she was a stylish, beautiful and much loved woman. It hurts every day even all of these years later. But, you will hopefully find that you spend more and more time thinking about the good times instead of the disease that took her away, and the final very difficult days. Hang in there Jennifer and lean on those who love you.
JENNIFER AND FAMILY,
I am so sorry for your loss.My boyfriend lost his mother to cancer 2 years ago.Right after that my mother was diagnosed with alheimers.She’s only 65.She was stricken with the disease when she was 64.I can understand some of what you are going thru and my heart goes out to you.Try,and i know it seems impossible,to concentrate on your loved ones as well as taking care of yourself.
I know you could care less about that right now.But you must.If I let myself fall into the pit of depression and sadness I feel for my mother,I would never get out of bed.We will never understand WHY such horrible things happen to such good people.So you feel any way you want to and know my thouhts are with you.YOU ARE NOT ALONE.I am though.My mom lives in a va hospital now.I have taken over as guardian for her and I get to see her one day a week.I don’t know how I’m getting thru but I am.So HANG IN THERE!!!
MUCH LOVE CHIKADEE,
KAREN IN KY
Hey Jennifer, I heard you say on the show today how ANGRY you are – My Dad was robbed and murdered at the age of 45 in 1994 – I am still ANGRY! I feel cancer is just as senseless as a bullet! His older sister died of liver cancer two years before – I think my Grandmother died of A broken heart. Keep your family close and hold on to your Faith! Many Prayers, Tears, & Hugs will hopefully get all of you through this. xxx
I am sorry your family has to go thru this. I truly know how you feel. I have lost a precious grandmother and aunt to this horrible disease. My thoughts and prayers are with you and
your family.
Oh Jennifer, I’m, so sorry for your loss. I listen to your show often, have called in a few times. I’m probably your mom’s age, but also young in heart. I lost my wonderful mom three years ago and my daughter 10 years ago. If I have learned anything about grief, it would be, it is a process, and it can’t be rushed. The stages all happen in no specific order and just because you experience say #1 today and get to #2, doesn’t mean you won’t go back to #1 a week or a year from now. Not a day goes by that I don’t want to say something to Mom or my Jennifer. I can promise you one thing, the void will still be there in the future, the pain associated with it now will ease, and the fond memories and wonderful thoughts of her love for you, won’t bring tears, but will bring a smile to your heart, very deep within. I’m so sorry you are on this journey, and your precious mom isn’t here to talk with you about it, I do believe she is walking with you, and enjoying the most incredible Heaven. You will feel joy again, you will laugh again, and you will be different in some ways, but for a time you will be sad, and you will grieve, this too is a part of life (it totally sucks). It does pass in time, embrace the tears, and let them go. I cried in my car so many times, in the bathroom, sometimes unexpected in public, give yourself permission and let the tears go, it is one step closer to the joy you desire to feel. I’m sorry to blab on, God Bless you on this journey.