last night
i googled my mother.
I GOOGLED MY MOTHER!
and a picture of my mom popped up from maybe 8 years ago or so, and she is laughing. and she is happy. and she is healthy. and she is alive. and now she is not.
i don’t know how to grieve. i don’t know what i am supposed to do. am i doing it wrong? is there a right way?
i am afraid to be still and think.
i am filled with sadness.
oh and then i am not.
and then i think of my mother or something happens and i want to tell my mother.
and then i am filled with sadness again.
and the tears just come….and when i think i cannot cry anymore, i still cry.
it is the oddest thing- i think i may be crazy.
one minute i feel like my heart is literally torn in two and i can’t breathe.
the next minute i am able to laugh.
and i just want to discuss all of this with my mom!
SHE would understand the range of emotions. SHE understood my pms. SHE understood my anxiety. she understood my insecurities (wait…she gave me some of those right?!)
and my mother hated being referred to as "she"!
and my mom also drove me crazy like all mother’s do to their daughters.
and my mother told me all day long how proud she was of me. and how much she loved me.
and how much she loved my kids.
is this just how it is when you lose someone you love?
it is too weird. too odd. too strange. and i don’t like it.
i need to know that i can have fun again, that i will feel like a regular person again.
i want so badly to feel ok.
xxx
jennifer
aim:whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
Jen,
It just takes time. That’s about all I can really say. It’s going to hurt and you’ll feel sad and lousy and then have momentary feelings of happiness (and yes, you’ll feel guilty that you feel happy – it’s all a part of grieving). But then one day the clouds will begin to lift and each day will get easier. Just remember, these are your feelings – no one else can tell you how to feel or grieve – but know that you are loved by many and you have a lovely family and friends that will support you. It just takes time.
I want you to know that you’re not alone. I lost my father to cancer 8 years ago; I’m 30 years old now, and it sucks. But it does get better with time, and some days are better than others. My father passed about 9 months before I was to get married, and that was the worst, but he made me promise not to cancel the wedding, and I didn’t, for him. Be strong for your Mom, she doesn’t want you to suffer. And know this, everyone grieves in their own way, whether it’s crying, eating, screaming, laughing, whatever, it’s what works for you. The hurt is always there, but time heals it a little bit everyday.
YES, Jennifer … this is exactly what is like when you lose someone you love so deeply.
All I can tell you is you are totally normal. Allow yourself the right to cry when you need to cry, laugh when you need to laugh, be silent when you need to be silent.
Your Mother does know what your going through and she understands your needs right now.
One day things will all start to seem normal again, you are in mourning right now, allow you body and brain to come to terms with this the bast way they can.
Just know you are cared about by so many of us, who never met you!
I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I could see how it would be strange. I think all of your emotions are normal. You’ll feel like yourself again as time goes on. You are so strong to be able to write about your life and how your mother’s passing is affecting you. Stay strong and stay funny!
everything you’re feeling is completely normal and yes, one day you will feel ok. it may be a different version of ok that you’re used to but it will happen. here is a link to a book i cannot recommend enough…
https://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216138631&sr=1-1
it is so incredibly validating for all the feelings and emotions that you’re currently experiencing and it is incredibly easy to read. not heavy at all, you couldn’t handle a heavy read now anyway. hang in there, laugh, cry, allow yourself to feel. healing will occur. it’s just a process and it takes time.
You are completely in a “normal” spot considering what you are going through. When I went through this with my fiance’s father, the whole family felt the same way. Over time you will find a way to cope daily with the new void you feel. You have never lived life without your mom and it will take time to find a way to live with her now in your heart. Don’t be hard on yourself. It is okay to be sad but think of what your moom would want you to do and how she would want you to embrace life. Days are precious, you now know that more than ever. Take a deep breath, gets some hugs and don’t be afraid to feel the way you feel. :o) Hugs to you Jen, I am thinking of you tons.
Jen,
I TRULY believe that the ONE thing that must be done is to FEEL. I think you’re afraid to be still and feel, not think.
Thank you SO MUCH for being so real on your blog.
Jennifer, everything you are feeling is normal. My Mom died 2 years ago and I still have bad days. The first few weeks or so were the worst. The emotions I felt were off the charts at times. I would pick my child up from Kindergarten and start crying for no reason or be in Costco and get so overwhelmed I had to leave. It gets better over time, but what you are going through is so fresh right now that you need to take care of yourself and do what you think is right for you and your family.What I mean by do what is right for you and your family is do whatever you need to get through this, cry or laugh or have a zanax or call a friend etc.The emotions change minute to minute. You were so brave to come on the air yesterday and I bet that was so hard to do. The emotion in your voice was so raw. Your Mother was a wonderful person and it was so nice of you to share bits of her with us on the show yesterday. Hugs to you.
We ALL feel that way when we lose someone, and it is more intense when it is a parent. It was the same for me when I lost my dad. I used to talk with him every day and always had to wait until after Jeopardy… every day at that time I was a mess. There were questions, stories, many many times i caught myself going for the phone saying “Let’s just call and ask him!”
It WILL get better. Promise.
I think this is one of the functions of the Shivah, the Irish Wake, those kinds of traditions. It allows the grieving time to wallow. But it doesn’t just stop after that mourning period –take all the time you need. It’s normal. It’s expected. And don’t ever let anyone tell you it’s time to “get over it” because you never will. There will always be that void, that hurt. It DOES get better, but it never really goes away.
It’s totally ok to feel the way you do! only time will be able to help most of the hurt and pain of your mother not being around. I think by you writing about your mom is in a way, grieving. It’s good to write memories and feelings down. Don’t try to push yourself on how you should feel, just feel, if you cry then let it come out. Losing a mother is so hard especially one who was loving and good.
Read “Many Lives Many Masters” and the book that follows. Cannot recall the name right now. It’s on Amazon.
it takes time. Which sucks. Time hurts and it heals. My dad died 8 years ago this september. I still reach out to call him on a phone he isn’t going to answer. Whenever my kids do something amazing, whenever I am happy or sad, whenever something weird happens, I just want to talk to him. 8 years later it is easier, I go whole weeks without crying. I felt like I was crazy because I wasn’t freaking out, I was continuing to live my life.
you will too…even when it feels too hard.
I still buy my dad something for holidays each year, there is always something he would have adored, a new beatles anthology, a leather cowboy hat, a weird calendar, so I just buy it and enjoy it myself.
I’ll be thinking of you.
joycelyn
This is the really hard part. I’ve been there twice with both my parents. It does get better – but it takes time.
You will eventually get used to a “new normal”. You will never again be the person you were before you lost her, how can you be? You will be happy again, you will have fun, and it will all feel normal. 15 years later I remember so much and sometimes it makes me cry that my children will never know how delightful she was, but the tears are actually happy tears, happy because all my memories are GOOD! Yours will be that way too, they will be happy, delightful memories. Much love to you and your family.
Jennifer,you did really well on yesterday’s show and deserve much credit for being so open and honest with your listeners. As many callers have said, even though we don’t know you personally, you and Alexis come into our homes, our cars and our offices every day and are part of our lives. We live vicariously through you both – with all the ups and downs – and care very much about what you are going through. There is surely no right or wrong way to grieve except for what is right for you and often it’s consistent with how we handle most things in our lives. It has only been a week and life is a roller coaster of emotions but with time, the ride will be less rough. It’s okay to be all over the map – why wouldn’t you be when you consider the culmination of all that you’ve been living in the last year? We love you, we’re with you and we hold you in our hearts. xoxo
It will get better, and it will always hurt. But you will be able to laugh again, and you are not crazy.
Jen,
The one thing you can do now is live. Live your life as a daughter, a mother, a wife and a friend. Live in the moment. If that moment is sorrow, then cry. If that moment is joy, then laugh. As much as anyone can and will tell you that you’re going to be okay no one is in your shoes right now. No one is living your life. Only you can feel what you are feeling and never let anyone tell you that you should feel otherwise. You’re human and you’re an individual and that’s what makes you … YOU! And that’s why I (we) listen to your show. You can’t control your emotions as much as you want to – hope and try as you might. Don’t try to control them. Accept them and know they are what makes you a caring and loving daughter, mother, wife and friend. I don’t know, but I believe, that is what your mother would want for you.
So sorry you are going through this part. You may find that time doesn’t heal, but that time helps you manage the loss and the anger. Eventually you will learn where to put it and all the memories of your lives together. You’ll also start dealing with the new reality — her absence in everyday things.
You and your family are coming off the hardest part right now — the extreme stress and physical exhaustion of the hospital situation — and of couse, the intensity of shiva. There has probably not been any sort of “restful” sleep or rest for you all at this point. Give yourself a full month just to try to get back to regular sleep.
After you feel at least somewhat rested, you may want to consider grief counseling. Everyone’s different about their need to talk through the loss. But first, please try to get your physical self back to a sleep schedule. There are no rules to dealing with grief — just be kind to yourself.
Jennifer, Stay busy. It will never be the same world again without your mom. To get through the days keep yourself VERY occupied with things to do. This isnt meant to replace your mom but to help you live your life. cry when you feel like it. it will get easier to not cry, but it will never be the same again. you havent mentioned anything about your father. how is he coping?
Dear Jennifer, You are not going crazy, you are just missing your mom, you always will. I was never close to mine but had a very close relationship, deep bond with my grandmother. When she passed (at 90) I was angry, numb and unbelieving that she could even die. People said she lived a good life, which was true but I was not done. I was not ready for her to go. I am still triggered after more than 20 years by certain things, I heard her voice on a DVD that my brother had made, this was the first time I heard her voice since it was silenced. I lost it completely and yes, at this point, people thought I was nuts. You will get to a point where you can tell funny stories, remember silly things and be able to draw from the wonderfulness she left you. You’ll look at your children and see what she left in them for you. It is a cliche, time will lessen the pain. Not eliminate it, but lessen it and you will treasure your memories.
Lyn
Well Jennifer,
like me when my Mom passed…
the days were like from a nightmare, and my dreams were filled with my MOM.
I even still to this day discuss things with my MOM..
also i do have a few answering machine recording of when she called and I was not able to get to the phone.
So if you have any voice recording of your MOM put them on a cd for yourself like when she called the show and all..to play on those lonely days..also get her picture put on a gold charm to wear with you always..or have a piece of her jewlry incorporated into yours to have her with you..
last year you had a ring reset..do this also to a piece of jewelry of hers for you kids…yes alexis! i said YOU KIDS ha ah
time will help it usually takes a while each person is different..
so in brief get something of your MOM’s and make it wearable for you everyday…
did she have knee socks?
slippers?
A robe/
pjs?
pins?
earrings
any of these things you can sort of hug..and speak to when you have to plus her voice on a cd
🙂
if I think of anything else I will let you know..
so love to all you guys in the family…
Just to let you know, since I have been reading your blog I call my mom more often, every day. And now I am going to tell, e-mail, text, my son everyday that I am proud of him. You have helped me in your sad time. And I realize it must be hard because when things get hard you naturally…go tell your mom. I would just tell her anyway to your self, ask her what to do.You’ll find your way out of it, I know.
Jennifer, The one book that’s never been written, is one on how to grieve. I was never close to my parents and when my dad died I thought I was going insane. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I wish there was a step by step pamphlet on “How to walk your way out of grieving, and get your life back”, but there isn’t that I know of. What I do know is; a lot of the feelings you are having, are what everyone feels. I said this before…because of your honesty, you’re helping other people. There are a lot of people have no clue what it feels like to grieve. And they go through all the emotions that you are going through. I was really proud of both you and Alexis yesterday. You two are amazing! By the way….You will have fun again, I promise you that.
Oh, Jennifer. I’m am so very sad for your loss. I know just what you’re going through…lost my mother to cancer at about the same age as your mom. I feel like there was no better time in my relationship with my mother than as an adult. Unfortunately, I also think within our society there is an expectation that if you lose a parent well into adulthood, that it shouldn’t be so painful, or that you should get over it more quickly. Nothing could be further from the truth. Obviously, I only know you through Whatever, but I’ve been thinking about you every single day.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!! Cry when you need, you are strong, loving and caring. Take care of yourself and family. Lots of love from your listeners. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. We do care about you.
I lost my father when I was 21 and my mom when I was 35. What you are feeling is “normal”. You are going to feel emotions you’ve never felt before. It’s ok…truly. Next week it will be 11 years when I lost my mom. It still hurts, hurts really bad. But, you go on and life happens and you will feel joy again. I promise. Grieve.
this may sound stupid but i wanted to tell you how proud i was of you for doing the show yesterday. i know it had to be hard but you did a great job and i for one was very happy to hear your voice….
jen, there are no rules on how one should grieve. everything you are doing is your way to cope with your loss.
Hi Jennifer, what you are feeling is very normal. Been there myself when my Mom passed. I agree with others to stay busy, so you don’t dwell on it. I know it is hard. Funny, my Mom hated being referred to as She too. All you can do is remember the happy times with your Mom, they will stay with you forever. It is hard when you need your Mom and she is not here, no one can replace her. (((Hugs))) you will be fine, friends are family are a huge help during this time.
DO NOT STOP YOURSELF FROM CRYING, NOT EVEN IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS. LET THEM SEE YOU CRY, AND SUPRISINGLY THEY WILL BE THE ONES THAT WILL HELP YOU THE MOST. AFTER ALL YOU ARE THEIR MOTHER, WHO THEY LOVE JUST AS MUCH AS YOU LOVED YOUR MOTHER….
The time will come when you think of your mother and the memories make you smile or laugh instead of cry. Until then, hold dear the memories…tell her how much you miss her….lean on those around you that love you so much. And always remember, your mother is with you…..every minute of everyday.
My mother died the same way yours did in 1994, almost exactly. You DO NOT EVER have to accept it. There is no order these stages have to appear and some of them never come and that is OKAY You need to feel bad until you do not feel bad anymore and that is the BOTTOM LINE..Do not hide your feelings or repress them. There is no schedule for the grief. There is no timetable and do not let ANYONE hold you to any kind of schedule You will be through it when you are through it, and you cannot go around.. there is NO WAY around, you have to go THROUGH. Its never OVER but you do find peace eventually. You will find the peace WHEN YOU ARE READY TO. For now, just feel your feelings. Cry when you need to, get numb, have a drink. get depressed, be happy…. none of it is black and white. Grief is an odd odd thing. You will find peace. I felt guilty for doing a crappy job taking care of her, and of course I was completely ill equipped to do this. Grief is not rational, it has no schedule, but you WILL FIND PEACE EVENTUALLY
I swear jennifer I spent 6 weeks after my mom died making soup and freezing it. it was something to do. I was a fucking lunatic. My friends would all talk about me: “Well, she only made like 3 gallons of Split Pea today… That’s better than last Thursday….”.
It is not EASY, it is not PREDICTABLE, it is not NORMAL You just allow yourself to feel bad until you DO NOT FEEL AS BAD ANY MORE. Could take a year, or four years or three weeks. It is out of your control. So just feel it and be crazy for a while so you can then find a little peace and move on, and DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU you are doing it wrong or too long, or whatever……Feeling our feelings is the only way to go and you WILL laugh you WILL cry. You Will do nutty stuff. Its all okay. And TAKE THE XANAX if you need it. Liz
Just keep breathing – the rest will come. Slowly and surely, breathe.
Jennifer…just keeping talking and blogging about your mother to anyone who will listen or read…it’s helped me with all my grief; especially the talking part…some of my grief was before blogging…
Jen, my husband just died, a few weeks ago from colon cancer,we were married 46 years in March, he went so fast, 4 months, after being told…we knew it was serious, but hoped they (drs) and everyone else were wrong…I am feeling every one of your emotions, I heart just hurts and I can not breathe…I am trying to working my way through it every day and I think that is the only way….My grandson spent the night, and after his prayers blessing everyone, he turned over and softly to himself (he is 5) said “Jesus please bring my grandpa back”…I FEEL THE SAME WAY !
I hope it gets easier for you and me…I know it will, we just have to live everyday as we know your mother and my husband would want us to….
Ya, but it is so hard
My prayers and hopes and wishes are with you and your family
Jennifer, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope that it gets easier for you..
Jennifer…there isn’t a cure for this and any drugs or therapy doesn’t help either. When my Dad passed, he was my best friend, I think I was in shock for about a month. My 4 sisters and I couldn’t be around each other because it just hurt so much. Two close friends were there for me and got me to a point where I could function. And it took almost a year for the pain, the physical pain that I had to finally disappear. I just woke up one day and I felt like a weight had been lifted and that is when I started to heal. But I do have to tell you, some wonderful things came my way, an apartment I really wanted, this great job and other things fell into place. I truely believe it was my Dad looking down on me and guiding me and helping me. It is 13 years now and each day I know he is still with me and helping me, you have to take solace in that, because your Mom is there…she is watching. But to this day, I still break down and cry for some stupid reason because he is not there to see this or that, it never really gets easier, it just hurts less. And one more thing, be selfish, if you need time alone, take it, if you need to get away, go to a retreat, or a spa for a few days, and just veg and cry, that is the only way you will hurt less. Keith and the kids will understand, and then one day, it will be okay, won’t be perfect, but it will be ok. Good luck, and God Bless.
Your honesty is a gift that you share with all of us. Don’t ever censor yourself. I’m so sorry for your pain. Remember, just BREATHE and let yourself feel and don’t waste time wondering if all these feelings are “normal”.
You migth benefit from some professional help or join a Grief Group.You don’t sound like you’re doing well, and it will help. Take it from someone who lost both parents by the age of 30, it does get better, but you need some help. Help yourself, Jennifer, you’ll feel better.
When my Mom died, for a few days after, I would call her phone to hear her voice on the answering machine. My husband and I had helped her set up her machine and when she was recording her message we all got the giggles. There was a portion of her message where you could hear the catch in her voice trying to keep from laughing. That made me smile and cry at the same time.
How lucky we are to have had Mothers who loved us so much and told us how proud they were of us. There is nothing that carries you through life more than that.
Yes, Jennifer you will find “normal” again but as someone has already said, it will be a new normal. Your kids will likely be the key to pulling you back to it because you’ll know that you have to create some sort of normalcy for them.
I am struck by something in your blog entry today and I feel that it is something that you could take comfort in. You write that your mother always told you how much she loved you, how proud she was of you and how much she loved your kids and that right there is an amazing gift that she gave you and the fact that you’re acknowleging it now after she is gone, is a wonderful gift back to her. I’m sure you would agree that as a mother, when you pass on, those are the exact things that you hope you always said to your children. I know that if something happened to me today, above all else I would want my kids to know how much I truly loved them and how proud they have made me. And your mother has done just that. You are honoring her by realizing that!
What you are going through is normal. I still grieve for relatives and friends over the years that have passed away. Many funeral homes and hospitals have support groups to assist people with this whole process after a loved one’s death. Talking and writing about it helps. Your mother would not want you to be sad.
Yes to everything, what you are experiencing is so normal, at least it is for me. one of the things i miss the most about my mom was not being able to talk to her or check things with her. she was my point of reference, my encyclopedia of information about life! so what i do now when i need her is i close my eyes and try to imagine what she would say. i hear her voice in my head, listen to the advice (she is almost always right) and that is how i get through it. we who have lost our moms understand what you are going through. it will take time, you will smile and laugh again but you will always wish you could hug or hold her again.
xoxo
mica
What a blessing you were given to have a mother that wonderful.
I was not-
But I hope my daughters will love, admire, respect me as much as you do your mother.
When the dust settles, you will see how your were blessed, and use your mothers nurturing with your own daughter.
My mother was not like yours, but when she died there was and still is a giant wound in my heart- Somehow we keep on keeping on- God Bless you- Your story has made me cry and mourn with you-thank you for sharing
Jen, I hate to sound like a broken record, but it does take time…lots of time. My dad died when he was 55 and I was 30. I saw a therapist about 6 months after he died and she gave me some really good advice. It takes time…a lot of time. The first year will be very difficult because of all of the “firsts” without your mom (birthdays, holidays, etc.). The second year can sometimes be just as hard because people will expect you to be “over it” by then, and anybody who has ever gone through this knows you are never really over it. It’s funny, but I also googled your mom the day before she died and saw a picture of her in 2004. She really was beautiful, just as you are and you carry that on for her. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will get through this…never over it, but through it.
Oh Jennifer, I don’t know that there are any words to say at this point that will comfort you. I still have my parents, but I have lost my brother. And I do know how you feel. There were times I thought I would not get through the day. I finally went to talk to a professional, and was put on anti-depressents. I can not tell you how much that saved my life (Literally). I’m not saying that is the course you need to take or should take. All I know is that is what helped me get through that very difficult time in my life. And NO, there is no correct way to greive. Anyone telling you there is has not gone through it themselves. You just need to do whatever it is that feels right to you at the time. My heart goes out to you. I pray that you will find the peace you need to get through the days to come.
No your not crazy, it is just going to take time, and time is the hardest part. Try to keep yourself busy (but rest too… I am sure you need it) and play a lot with your kids. Mine always make me smile when I am feeling down!
One hour at a time, Jennifer and when you master that, take it one day at a time. Loss is part of Life – and, the only known way to avoid the pain of losing a Parent is to die First and as I’m sure you’ll agree, the loss of a child is not Something anyone wishes on a parent. So for now take it one day at a time, my friend… One day at a time, and remember that no one expects any more from you than that and you shouldn’t either. You will surprise yourself by how strong you are. You are, after all, your mother’s daughter!
Jennifer,
do you think you are the only person that has ever lost a love one? How about checking on your dad, or your kids and see how they are doing? Get the focus of you!
Jennifer, my heart goes out to you. I lost me Dad a few months ago, and my brother exactly one year before him. My Dad always knew the exact words to say to me to cheer on my accomplishments, wash away my insecurities, or just laugh with me. Things do get better with time. However, when I’m anxious about something or worrying I just say to myself “Daddy, help me through this, what would you say.” I swear, it’s like I have a guardian angel and I feel his presence.
Sweet Jennifer–It’s a bitch to say but true…time. And while you’re “in it” right now just remember there’s no right way, there are no instructions and it’s no one’s damn business how you’re reacting in each moment so do what you have to. I lost my dad in April…he was just a few years older than Bunny. And nothing feels the same. It’s an altered state for sure…Check out Joan Didion’s book, “Year of Magical Thinking”. It’s amazing–and she talks about that crazy time after you lose someone…Sending a hug–S.
You are FEELING it… like it is…right now. There will good days and not so good days. You have a very good way of reading your emotions. I feel bad for people who push all their feelings away…and don’t deal with it. You seem to be able to say what you are feeling…which I would think is a healthy way of going about it. When my Dad died of cancer, a couple of years ago. I went though the same sort of feelings. Only YOU will know how to feel. Sometimes I just start laughing when I think of something funny Daddy would say or do. Laughter was my way to get though it. Dad had such a great sense of humor…bless his sweet heart. I know that feeling “that you want so badly to feel ok”……you’re getting there. Love and peace to you Jenn!!!
Jennifer,
You can’t try to tell yourself how you should be feeling. There is no normal way, you should be feeling exactly what you are feeling, don’t try to stop it or control it. It is totally natural and what you are suppose to do to “get to the other side” of this grief. You will never not be sad at the passing of your mother, it will just get a little easier. The best part of your mother is in you and your children, that is the greatest legacy she could have left you with. My heart goes out to you and your family and know that in time it will be easier,not better, but easier.
I feel your pain! I have lost a dear, dear, Mother. I want you to know that you did a GREAT JOB on the air yesterday. I can only imagine how it must have been for you to get through those 2 hours. Each day will get a little better, take it one day at a time. Keep her memory alive, talk about her often to your Dad, sister, brother and your kids, and husband. Cry when you need to, and try to laugh often. Remember the GOOD times, I’m sure there were many!!
hi monica!
you said:
monica said…
Jennifer, do you think you are the only person that has ever lost a love one? How about checking on your dad, or your kids and see how they are doing? Get the focus of you!
ummmm…here’s the thing monica, on my blog i try to talk about what i am going through because it is first hand…although i don’t mention how my dad is doing (devastated btw and keeping busy of course) and my kids (also devastated and working through it) doesn’t mean i am not invested in their well being.
i guess i figure my blog is a good place for me to vent what I AM FEELING and maybe someone will relate and feel like he/she is not alone. or not.
i’m going to choose to not let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch.
xxx
Jennifer..your life will feel normal again, honestly. It takes time. How much? It really depends, but grieving will help heal you faster than not. I’ve lost a brother and father. I didn’t think my life would ever get back to normal. Family close to you, and friends help tremendously. Take it easy.
excuse me!?
I felt the same way you do, last May when my Dad died of pancreatic cancer. I wondered if I was greiving correctly, but my therapist assured me everyone grieves differently and there is no right way. I, as you are, desperatly wanted to be me again and be normal and okay, but unfortunatley its a process, which sucks. For me, I was very angry for a while couldnt hear anyone complain about anythiing without thinking, so what? my Dad died…I never thought I would ever feel like that but I did and still do sometimes, and if one more person told me to keep my chin up or I cant think like that, I was going to scream and say “call me when your parent dies” its horrible and you have to let yourself grieve however you want. With therapy and antidepressants I was able to deal better and what a difference from last year. I got married 2 weeks after my Dad died so those mixed emotions were crazy too..and I had people say to me “well at least he died before the wedding so you dont have to worry about him at the wedding” WHAT!!I would have given anything for my dad still have been in the hosital at my wedding or just be alive. I didnt care about worrying about him during my wedding, just wanted him back. People will never know the feeling till it happens to them, I am convinced of that. All of the feeling you have are normal, the book on Grief and Griefing helped me realized I was normal and not crazy. I had started a new job a month before he died so I was a complete mess at my new job, first few months I was a complete idiot, I stamped my notary stamp on the back of a check instead fo the deposit stamp..Crazy. I know sucks but you have to go thru the grieiving, and things like people saying your mom is with you is probblay too early to think like that, it was for me. Someone gave me book on being positive 2 months after he died and I said thank you but I was not ready for that, it took about a year to open that book. Then I got to the point that I wanted to do something to help others and have done pancreatic walks and did the 2 day breast cancer walk, for me that gave me a purpose. Take your time, indulge yourself and let yourself grieve, even if that means eating lots of chocalate or staying in bed for one day and crying. Be good to yourself. I hope this helped.
Journaling – writing it down – helps. Just purging it all to paper and handwriting it out seems to help process the feelings.
my husband wanted to call his mom to tell her she died. this is a separation that takes time to retrain your brain for. You are not crazy…just human.
Jennifer, you are not going crazy. You need to give yourself some time. Lots of time. It has only been one week! I was so surprised to hear your voice yesterday, returning to the radio must of been so so hard for you, but you were probably dreading what you were going to say and now the first day back is over and at least you got that “first” out of the way. Your fans were so glad to hear your voice and if you guys had had a 5 hours show (like H/S) I would have listened to the whole thing. I was wondering how your dad was doing, I remembered him from the show, and glad he is trying to keep busy.
Yes, that is how grief is. It is like a roller coaster ride of emotions. You laugh, you cry, you scream, you get mad. As time passes the emotions aren’t so intense. After 10 years of not having my dad, I will see a movie that I know he would have loved or wish I could say something to him and it makes me sad to the bone. But then it passes and you are on with your life. till the next time. hang in there.
Jennifer, there is not a worng or right way to grieve, it is different for everyone and every experience. I am sure it is harder on you and your family because you lived on the same property as your mother so you saw her more than most kids when they move away from home. Also, you two seemed especially close. Trust me, you are not crazy!!! Being still and thinking about things just makes your mind wonder if there was anything else that could have been done and you have to try and take comfort in knowing that you and your family did everything possible to help her, a hard concept to accept, I know. I was not able to listen to the live show yesterday, but did hear the repeat and I thought it was so awesome when you were talking about your mothers skin and how soft it was, it sounded like you were to the point of tears and Alexis comes in and says something to the effect of “if you were to moisturize then maybe you would be remembered for your soft skin” and that got you laughing. I really thought that was a great moment. There have been people that have been giving her a hard time for the blogs she posted and that little interaction at the beginning of the show stood out to me because, I thought, it showed what a great friend she was. She is there for you with little things like that. Your heart will heal with time, though it will never be the same. I really liked what you said on Monday’s blog “tomorrow I go back to life not as it was, but as it will be.” I think that is a small sign of acceptance. You are in my thoughts.
Hi Jenny,
You did a fantastic job yesterday! You know that there are no real rules as to grieving. Everyone feels it differently. You will get better and will enjoy the happy and good times, you will laught out loud again. However, when you suffered the death of your Mother, you will not be the same, but you will be able to share in life once again you will feel a bit different than you were befored, this is so normal. When you feel like crying you will cry, when yoy feel anger about the entire situation this is normal. It is all normal. Sharing your thoughts is a very good thing! Don’t worry about anyone, like Monica, who are these people to judge. You are a great and sensitive loving person. Yes Jennifer, I do know that it will get easier. Take one day, hour, minute at a time. You are truly blessed to get all of this love from your listeners, like me, who do not personally know you but love you. It has made me feel that the world is a better place with seeing all of these comments and knowing that there are people who are still understanding and are sensitive and loving people. Of course, so are you. Take good care Jenny. You are in my thoughts. Hope you don’t mind me checking on you. Many hugs come your way.
Here’s a metaphor I found helpful: it’s as though the death were like dropping a big stone in a pond; the ripples of grief and emotion come fast and furious and then gradually begin to ebb, spreading out and getting farther and farther apart. Time is indeed the great healer and you must simply trust in your own organic process. Memories of your mother will then become more buoyant, no longer weighing you down, and your own children will keep you looking toward the future.
Jennifer, my condolences and my prayers continue for you. Like so many other posters, all I can say is that it does take time and like you, I lost my mom rather unexpectedly and far too ‘soon’ (is there ever a ‘good’ time?). And you will have fun again, you will smile, you will think ‘I know Mom would love this’ without tearing up toooo much. She would want nothing less for you, her child, as you would want for your own. It is strange and wierd and certainly takes time to grow accustomed to the absence of such a special person. Everyday you’ll heal a little, it will get a little easier to bear, while still cherishing her and your memories of her. It has been 9 years since I lost my mom, and I can tell you, it does get easier in many ways. You are blessed to have a close connection with siblings and a spouse who are supportive and caring. Take care.
My mom is not even gone yet, but has a terminal diagnosis, and I felt the same way. It is so exhausting, and horrible to feel that way day after day and cry so much. My doctor put me on Lexapro and it really does help you feel normal. You still cry and feel, but it helps level you out and may help you get through this rough patch with a little more sanity. I know it’s not the answer for everyone, just my experience. I’m so glad I have it so I can enjoy the time I have left. I am so sorry for your gigantic loss! It’s just not fair.
I googled my dad too after he passed away from pancreatic cancer on 4/29/08 and I found that The New York Times put in a classified ad of his death for us. He worked there and they did that for him. You are doing all the things that you are supposed to do and feel. Never question yourself because everyone must grieve the way they are supposed to, whichever way they choose. No way is the wrong way.
P.S. What you have shared Jennifer HAS helped me tremendously. My feelings are so similar to yours and no one else that is close to me has lost a mother yet (including my own mother – Gram is 97) so it’s tough, but been helpful to go through your journey with you. I guess in a sense it’s helping me prepare – and to know it’s not crazy to be going through all the emotions I am feeling. Thank you for sharing.
Sounds like you’re doing it exactly right. Sucks, doesn’t it? Ugh. The one emotion I have occasionally that I never expected is real ANGER. I’m not sure if I’m angry at the people who are still alive (just because they are) or because I still need my mommy and she left me(and it wasn’t her fault!). Who knows? All I know is however YOU grieve is the right way for YOU, and all the people who tell you it’s not or want you to act a certain way are douchebags. So there!
Monica needs to get a life. Jennifer – Grief is a horrible thing. It does get better, but there will be times of immense sadness. Try to drink a lot of water and talk about. HUGS to you.
HI Jennifer, what you are feeling is normal. I went through the same feelings when I lost my best friend to cancer. Too young to die. I was very angry and I got a lot of my anger out by cleaning and organizing, one room at a time. I also had to work it off in the yard trimming rose bushes, planting, etc. Sometimes I had tears pouring down my face. I still have my teary moments 15 years later. Like now. You just have to work through it a day at a time. Oh yeah, it’s ok to speak to you mother out loud. Just because you can’t call her, doesn’t mean she’s not listening. Also, think of how you and Stacy dressed up with her jewelry. You may need to do that on a more regular basis. Just wear a pair of her ear rings, or a bracelet, or a ring, or another item. Or carry one of her handbags. That may bring her closer to you. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise. You can also see a grief councilor, or go speak with you Rabbi, if you have a close relationship with him. We are here for you.
first of all let us all say FUCK OFF & go away to monica.
second of all i know, i know what you are feeling. it’s insane and crazy and lonely and heartsick and you want your mom and she is not here and it’s so not fair. i promise you, sweet jen, time heals. it’s difficult to fathom that now but it does. xox
Hey Jenn,
2 years ago one of my daughter’s best friends ( they were 8 at the time) passed away from a brain tumour.
It was a year long battle and she got very bad at the end.
And even though it wasn’t my child I still felt such a profound loss.
I would be walking through the grocery store and burst into tears.
My grandmother passed away over Christmas from cancer and she went very quickly. I still am so sad when I think about her and I think that you just change when you experience loss like that.
You are never the same, but not necessarily for the worse, maybe loss teaches us what’s really important?
Jennifer. You can still tell your mom how your feeling and what you are going through.She may not be in front of you or on the other end of the phone but she will still be able to hear you. It will never be the same. From now on your relationship is different and the same all at one time. Let yourself change with the changes in your life. Your mom will always be your mom and she will ALWAYS be there for you Jennifer. Give it a try. Talk to your mom. She’ll help you through this. I promise.
thinking of you
pamm
I don’t know if you remember this but I called in to talk to you about your mom when you where asking how to deal with telling people and their reactions. I had a legitimate point to make, although it was totally lost because I started blubbering like an idiot. That was at month 3, I am a little better at month 5. What I hate is when I see something and think to myself that I need to tell my mom about that, forgetting that she is not here with me any more.One day you’ll realize that an hour has gone by and you haven’t thought about her then 2 and so on. It will get easier you just don’t see that light yet but you will.
Jennifer- I agree with Lori, grief is horrible. I lost my mother 20 years ago and my BFF Jill three months ago, I know exactly what you are saying, both to breast cancer, so many times I want to tell one of them something, when Jill died, I wanted to tell my mom because she would have understood how it felt to lose a friend closer then my sister, when our crazy friend did something crazy, I wanted to tell Jill, when I am trying to resolve something I want both of their opinions, then I think how lucky I was to have had them both in my life, know what they both would have told me to do when asked, would have listened to me forever if that’s what it took and then said, well it sounds like you have it all figured out and I knew that before I called them but needed to have them listen and they did! I do have fun again, but think, how much more fun it would be if they were here laughing at the same crazy friend for doing the same crazy thing.
Sadly there is not a Grief ro Dummies book…….to tell us how to do it, making it so much simpler, click here, move this there, now laugh, cry, do both at the same time, eat, don’t eat, sleep, don’t sleep, remember everything and try to forget…….Sending love thoughts and prayers to you and your family. And if you find that book can I borrow it?
Monica – EXCUSE ME? You are a little little man. And if you are a woman – you are a spineless heartless fat slob. Ugly all over. You make me feel like puking.
Monica is a stupid cow!
Monica, stay away from people who are grieving, you suck and don’t know what to say.
Hey Jenn,
I lost my Mom seven years ago and for a whole month for no apparent reason (duh she passed away) I had to sleep with the TV on. It was a behavior that made no sense to me. There were so many times that I wanted to call her too and I couldn’t…because she was gone. It took a long time to adjust to the new lifestyle…a life without a Mom.
I remember you saying that people keep telling you that she is still with you. And I agree with you that she ISN’T. However, what I learned within a few days of her passing was that what did remain was her love…and it was in my heart, just as it is in yours. But it’s true. All conversations with her going forward will be strangely on-sided. But you’ll adjust. You have no choice. I wasn’t happy about it. But I had to do it too.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I can relate alot to what you have been saying and blogging.
In time you will be able to really focus on the happy memories of your Mom…and truly enjoy them. Just recently I went sea kayaking in Belize and while I was doing it I started crying because I really felt my Mom’s presence…as if she would’ve been really proud of me for what I was doing.
Much love to you – even though you are still basically a stranger. I really appreciate you and I want you to KNOW that you’re not alone.
debs
Jennifer, that Monica bitch shows us the one flaw in the whole blogging system. Your blogs are awesome, but the comment section gives mean, nasty losers like her a forum to degrade and belittle people with the protection of the computer screen. If your such a big sh*t, Monica, call in and voice your opinion, otherwise, keep it to yourself.
MOOOnica- she’s a cow. Jennifer is doing well, grief is personal and individual. Doesn’t Monica think you are loving your kids and your Dad? What a fool.
Jennifer – First of all – My deepest condolences for your & your family’s loss.
I wanted you to know that I think that posting this on your blog was very brave because it is a very raw and unedited description of what it feels like to loose a parent.
Its been about 3 years since I lost my father, sometimes it will suddenly hit me still that he isn’t there – like when I drive to my mother’s house and expect to see his car, or want to tell him about something I know he would be interested in. I think acceptance does come with time & even though you will always miss her – it won’t always feel the way it does right now.
Best wishes – Lisa
I lost my Dad 6 years ago. What you are feeling and going through is very very normal and I swear, it does get easier. Time is going to make the difference. You have to make yourself get back to work and just allow time to pass. My Mom told me, “The grief will find a place. It will settle.” She was right. It never goes away but it gets better and life will be good again. I promise you!! Take it one second at a time for now.
HEY MONICA….HOW DARE YOU UPSET JENNIFER THE WAY YOU DID…. HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THE TYPE THAT KICK PEOPLE WHEN THEY’RE DOWN….IF SO…YOU ARE ONE SICK PUPPY. JENNIFER DOESN’T NEED SHIT LIKE THAT………………………………………………..IDIOT!
your words are so heartrending and so real. you should save them in a journal. i lost my husband at a very young age and i reread my feelings from time to time. this helps me guage how far i’ve come and to remember. i always enjoy your honesty and complete sincerity, but now you are truly poignant in the beauty and truth of the deep love you shared with your mother. you are so real jennifer and i feel your pain as if it were my own unthinkable loss. thank goodness you have such a beautiful family, no accident considering the person your mother was. love and best wishes to you and yours.
Miraval Resorts in Tucson (Dr. Andrew Weil) has a grief and loss focused stay package that you may be interested in.
Jen,
I think this poem is beautiful:
And if I go,
while you’re still here…
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
–behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
–both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
…I will be there.
“Ascension”
Copyright ©1987, Colleen Corah Hitchcock
first of all, fuck off monica. go troll someone else’s blog-
secondly jennifer, today’s blog entry just made me want to cry because you said everything that i felt 9 years ago when my mom died. dont feel like you aren’t normal. whatever and however you are feeling IS normal. the emotional roller coaster will settle down eventually. when my mom died my hearrt actually hurt. i thought it was literally breaking. i am happy to tell you that the pain does lessen over time. i sometimes still get sad when i think of my mom and all we are missing out on her not being here- but that pain in my heart has definitely gone away and i can laugh and smile and tell jokes about her once again. Without sounding like a broken record it just takes time. lots and lots of it. take comfort in your kids, husband and rest of your family. cry when you feel like it and laugh when it suits you. there is no rule book on grief. you will get through it even though it might not seem possible.
OK Monica got the attention she was striving for. Jennifer life will never be like it was, without your Mom around, but you will adjust. Just remember none of us are guaranteed any amount of time, that is why we have to make the most of what we have, Celebrate your Mom’s wonderful life, you know she would not want her death to ruin your life! I know it hurts, give yourself more time. Another big hug!
You sound PERFECTLY NORMAL! My Mom has been gone for nearly 5 years and I still want to tell her stuff…so I do! Obviously I don’t get he advice anymore but I take comfort in knowing that she is and always will be a part of me. I still burst out crying every few months because I miss my Mom, but then I immediately start laughing. Big hugs to you. The pain of losing your Mom will never go away but it will, I promise, become much easier to live with. Be a great Mom to your kids…that will help you feel better too, I think. I don’t know, I don’t have kids but I would think that if I did, they would have helped me move on too.
time . . . you’re not crazy – just human. i hate third person references, too! 🙂
A book which is simply a heart-felt look at one individual’s grief is The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Maybe it will comfort you some to see the craziness that grieving for her husband caused Joan – a well-respected, obviously intelligent writer – to experience. It is a touching book.
jennifer there are grief counselors out there that might help you get through this. if nothing else she/he will discuss the feelings you’re having and help you get through it. it’s SO hard. maybe you need some help. xoxoxox
Jen, you are right, life will not be the same. 18 years later, sometimes I think, “Oh, I want to tell Daddy that”….but he is not here. Your pain will always be pain, but it won’t be the same pain. Now it is cutting and harsh and hot and raging, but it will lessen to a pain that won’t be as bad, trust me. Just remember to grieve, let it out, don’t hold it in. Talk to your mom like she was here, it does help. Not the same, but you know. There really isn’t anything that anyone can say…..and you will feel okay again. I promise. xoxoxoxoxo
You’ll feel ok again, Jennifer. Go ahead and cry because you’ve lost someone you love. One day you’ll realize it’s been awhile since you’ve cried. You’ll never stop missing her or loving her but your life will go on. I promise it will.
Forgot to tell you one thing – THANK YOU for being so open and honest and sharing all of what you are feeling with us. there are so many of us out there rooting for you – you are not alone. hugs
I never gets better you just learn to deal with it. This may sound mean but….. for your own sanity-try not to think about her.
Jennifer: Listened to the show today- I HAVE TO comment on Monica- you have every right to feel the way you feel, and to talk about your mother! – you will continue to talk about her all the time. She was a wonderful mother and friend to you- how can you not??? We still talk about my husband’s father who passed away 3 years ago and it still hurts! – no one can gauge your pain or your limit on how much you want to talk about and miss your mom… so to the wiotch(witch and bitch)Monica- go take a dive! and leave Jennifer alone!- love you Jennifer! – jules from ohio!
Hi Jennifer, keep doing what you are doing. Greif is one of those feeling that everyone mangages and handles in so many different ways. That is why there is no wrong or right way….only your way. I applaud you for sharing your feelings with all of us. Talking about it helps. My dad didn’t of cancer he just woke up one morning and then died… that sucked. I never got to say good bye and I love you. What was worst was that he was pronounced brain dead on his wedding anniversary. That was also the year he was to walk me down the asle. I was devestated for my mom and for me. It was hard to greive and to plan for a wedding. As you I didn’t know what to do or how to do it. I kept busy, focused and cried. Now 8 years later I still cry hear and there because he isn’t to see the gleam in his granddaughters eye. But what I’ve noticed is that here and there I will see a stranger on the streets that will resemble him (you that real quick look that makes you think 2x). From what I have read and heard on your show you are doing everything right for you. Don’t listen to those that question feeling. I love listening to you telling us about her….I cry with you and for you.
You will feel “ok” again and the stabbing pain & sadness will subside but you will never stop thinking about, or missing your mom — but just in a different way…more tolerable way. Someone once told me “some tears never dry”. I think the loss of a loved one is a profound experience — even the loss of a parent experienced by a grown child.
Try to hang in there Jennifer. You will be ok but let yourself grieve and spin out of control. All roads will lead you to some sort of peace — some time in the distant future.
(((hugs)))
it is just like that when you lose someone.
eventually you will feel okay. give yourself time, surround yourself with good, supportive, loving people. perhaps you should ask chrissy or paulie to read the comments first. you do not need to deal with idiots during this time.
take good care of yourself.
Jenny
It has been one year since I lost my Mom……she was my everything…..we were best friends and I miss her every single day. I felt like I was going crazy when I first lost her and all I did was talk about her…..I felt like if I did not keep talking about her then her memory would get lost…I have learned to balance it out a little……My poor husband had to listen to me go on and on…..Now it is more subtle….I will see a beautiful flower or see a little girl all dressed up and just say “Mom would love this or that”……I can’t say it hurts any less as I sit hear bawling….I miss her so much…..I miss her wit and her perspective…….I try to live a life she would be proud of……..and I just miss her so damn much!! Let yourself grieve and let it all out the anger the sadness and keep writing …….
Jen, my dad has been gone for five years, my grandmother for fifteen, and I still pick up the phone to call them! You are not weird…you are grieving. Take your time and do it in your own way.
Jennifer, Another great show today. You go girl…cry as often as you need to…and laugh as often as you can…. Hugs
Hang in there Jennifer. All the best to you. Wish you didn’t have to go thru this, but Yes, this is grieving. Hold onto to all the wonderful stuff…may it give some peace and comfort!
I’m thinking of you!
Hold on …you’re doing just fine. Everything you describe is so completely normal and healthy. Sending you prayers and strength.
You will have fun again you will laugh, I promise. I am not going into how many family members I have lost because actually its not about me, its about you, and your grieving process. So that said I hope you and Alexis stop acknowledging the crazy people on the blog. That is exactly what they are looking for, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. They don’t have any in their own lives. So they need it from you, they don’t care if it is good or bad, they just want to be heard. Don’t punish the whole damn family because their are a few BLACK SHEEP. Have to get back to the Wii, then I am going to graze for a while. Baah Baah
This post is heartbreaking. You are an amazing writer. Life is great, hard and truly unbelievable.
Jennifer please stop being so hard on yourself…. I know it sounds trite..but time does heal. I know, I’ve been there. It is also okay to take a break from thinking about the sadness and laugh. I respect your courage at this horrible time. And thanks again for sharing.
Jennifer,
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You are not crazy, you are normal. You just lost one of if not the most important person in your life. Your range of emotions is normal. I can promise you that one day you will have fun again and feel like a normal person. You can get there on your own, or don’t be afraid to go on some anti depressants for awhile. Especially if you are having ruminating thoughts/not able to sleep etc.. there is nothing wrong with that. It can help you get to ‘regular’ sooner. If you don’t want to go that route, no biggie. Just keep hanging in there. You are normal, nothing you can do to change that. Hugs.
Jenny, you are NOT crazy, just exhausted… Your mind is not in sync with your body because you are too tired to process anything. When I have a bad episode, my body aches like someone beat the shit out of me. Every muscle in my body is tight and I feel like my mind is in a fist. I have to set time aside to convalesce and you should, too. Take some Xanax (even if you hate it) and put your mind on auto-pilot. Let your mind and body catch-up with one another, and your mood swings will go away. I promise. 😉
Jennifer, I am not going to pretend that I have some miracle answer for you, but I do think that everything you are feeling and doing is normal. Who cares what anyone else thinks! It’s one day at a time and if that day is about crying or laughing, so be it! I am preparing for the loss of my mother soon as well. She has Lou Gehrig’s disease and I see her deterioration slowly, but it still is happening daily. Your talking about your feelings and thoughts is very helpful to me and I am sure others, even if you don’t intend it to be.There is no rule book on how to grieve- just do what feels right for that moment and you will survive! God only gives you what you can handle and makes you stronger! I know that doesn’t seem like it now, but your mom WILL help you through this.
You are not crazy….My dad died almost 7 years ago and there are days I feel like it was yesterday and replay the whole day he died over and over in my head until I cry myself to sleep, then there are days and months go by and sometimes I forget he is gone, or I am happy and I feel like I should not be, THEN there are the days when I am driving in my car listening to a song that reminds me of the best times of my life, I play it loud, Im singing, Im smiling from ear to ear and then all of a sudden I get hyterical crying….OMG your not crazy…if you are then I should be in a straight jacket. Its all to new for you and you will never forget, you will never not be sad, BUT you will be happy again and you will go on. I have a way that makes me feel better and it works for me, when I am really sad and I think that my dad wasn’t here for my wedding or he won’t be here if god blesses me with a child, or just how badly I need him, I try to think about someone I know that has lost a parent as a child or much earlier on then I did and I think of how they never got to spend the time with there dad that I did, then I feel bad for them and I forget how sad I am…I know it sounds crazy, but anything to get through it. I wish you PEACE within and you will get there. To you and your family, I keep you in my heart.
jennifer, i am so sorry. you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
Jennifer, I was told to axe down A tree for my therapy of losses – I felt sorry for the tree – I would have rather axed legs of people involved (Alexis taught me this) Just Joking! You deal with your loss however helps You!
You will know when the time is to feel okay,
It does take time believe me…
some quicker than others
Scream, Cry, Eat , Laugh, Drink and scream again
You do what ever you think you need to do
I wish we could all come to your house
and hang out with you to visit, i would love to
First of all, this is called the JENNIFER blog, not the family Koppelman. So therefore you stupid shitface, she talks about Jennifer and whatever the hell Jennifer wants to talk about – if it’s her kids so be it but right now, don’t you think she needs to take care of herself so she’ll be able to better care for the ones around her? Holy shit you turd, are you that stupid? Are you retarded? Do you have an extra chromosome that you don’t know about? It’s not her sole responsibility to make sure her dad or anyone else is fine right now but have you not figured out by now that Jennifer DOES try to take care of everyone else? maybe that’s why she’s having such a shitty time. God damn you you stupid fucking bitch, why don’t you grow a backbone and call in and say that shit out loud? Oh wait, what did you just say, because you’re scared? Oh yeah, that’s right you only have the balls to jump her in print – ha ha ha how pathetic you must be in your sorry life. I can barely type I’m laughing so hard at you and hey, I just pretended I saw your face so I just spit at it. You fucking moron, go fuck yourself – and god help us if you spawned, maybe your kids should be killed so they don’t grow up to be like you. How about a nice big glass of shut the fuck up, sip it through a straw though, you’re too weak to handle it all at once. Oh and I hope your mother gets cancer but be careful and don’t grieve, you might pay too much attention to yourself by being sad. Hugs!
Your mother was proud of you. She was proud of the way you lived. One honors the dead by living their life. She’d be proud of your tentative steps to getting back work. Doing what you love. As everyone has said it just takes time. Keep making your mother proud.
Lynne
I know exactly how you feel, I lost mine in October and I still haven’t taken her off my speed dial. I think it hurts the most when good things are happening, nothing ever felt real until I shared it with her and now there is always this void, even inside of my happiness. People say it gets easier, but I don’t think it does. I think I am just learning how to manage these feelings in my everyday life. I wish I could talk to her every single day, but since I cannot I just keep on keepin on. It’s really hard, but hang in there.
Hi Jennifer, I think what you’re going through is completely normal. Not sure if this book would help or be more depressing, but when Joan Didion lost her husband she wrote “the Year of Magical Thinking.” Everyone has their own way of grieving. Also, if you think you need more help with your grieving, by all means do get some help. I remember when I was 8 (last day of 3rd grade) my grandmother passed away. What stands out most in my memory is my mom’s devastation. She totally fell apart for a year or so. I ended up having to take care of my little brother and myself because she was so out of it, and I remember being very confused and lost. So what I am suggesting is, maybe it will help with your mourning if you share what you’re going through with your children and honor your mom’s excellent parenting (she produced you!) through your children…which you very may well be doing already. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts.
Never let Monica man the phones of a suicide hotline.
Jennifer, I do not pretend to know your spiritual beliefs, and I am not one to push mine on other people. I want you to know that I believe our loved ones are still with us after they pass away. You can still talk to your mother… hopefully you can find comfort in that.
I don’t know if you heard of this, but you might want to check out “Memory Bears” (https://stores.memorybears.net/StoreFront.bok). It might be a nice way to help you and your family through this tough time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jenn. Most of us are crazy a good deal of the time, except for fleeting moments of clarity Id have been locked up long ago. Having listened to you tough it out on the show the past two days proves you mutch stronger/saner than I. Your mother must have been quite a parent to have raised such a strong child. (even if SHE dosent realize it herself)
Jen, You can’t expect to feel “alright” right away. It’s gonna take some time. Besides, you can still talk to your mom, you just won’t get answers back. I know you hate hearing it, but she IS with you. She can hear everything you say and feels everything you feel. I truly, truly believe that. If it makes you feel better, TALK TO HER! There’s nothing wrong with it. When I lost my baby last year, I talked to him (and to God) and it really helped me. Also, google “EMDR therapy”. It helped me through my grief IMMENSELY and it might help you process your emotions more efficiently. I know it helped me through the roughest time in my life. We love you!!!
My mom hates being called “she” too! “She has a NAME” is how she always responds. Made me smile that Bunny was the same way.
Keep writing Jen-it helps with the healing. ((hugs))
First of all, next time Monica does post, everyone should completely ignore him/her. The blog is not even worth anyone’s attention, especially Jennifers.
You are completely normal. As 100 posts here have indicated. You have all us listeners who can relate to what you are going through and we are here for you to help in any way that we can.
So keep on blogging. We love to hear about your wonderful mother, so keep talking about Bunny. LeenyB
When mama died i felt like someone turned down the dimmer switch in my life. it was the weirdest feeling. and i found that the only way to the other side of grief was to go through it. no way around it.
Be gentle with yourself, Jen.
Jen- there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You are doing it just right. Expect to feel all those things you described 20 times a day for a while- that is very normal. Tincture of time is the only remedy. Sleep, eat, laugh cry- give yourself a break too. Love and Light- Gerry
Jennifer – I had a heavy heart reading your blog. I’m sorry for your loss. I have the same type of relationship with my mom as you did with yours (the “she” comment made me LOL b/c my mom hates to be referred to as “she” or “her” too).
In college I took a thanatology class (I lost my father at a young age), and we studied the Kubler-Ross stages – what I took from that course was death is part of life, but i will never stop grieving the loss of someone i love and that’s okay. You’re a very strong woman (you’re friends with Alexis right?), and you’ll get through this – and cherish those memories with her and share them with your kids – keep her alive in your heart. I now i’m a sap but i believe it.
Keep laughing at those inappropriate times – that’s why we love you guys!
PS – there’s nothing wrong with crazy – that’s what meds for right?
Awh Jennifer i know the feeling. You are absolutely not crazy. You will feel normal again, but unfortunately there’s no quick fix for this. Just try and look at it like this. Say there is an after life because nobody really knows, but what if there is one and our loved ones can see us and the pain we are in and all they can do is watch. How do you think your mommy would like to see on a daily basis? I’m sure she would not wanna see you unhappy and not moving forward in your life, but however you are feeling right now is ok because no one can tell you how you should FEEL. It’s true what they say everything takes time and eventually you will get back to normal life and you won’t cry as much when you think of your momma, but you will smile and think happy thoughts.
I won’t try to compare my experience to yours, but here is what helped me.
Write down all you remember about her. The little things. Time will dull these seemingly unimportant details. When you look back on them in 20 years you will be soooo soothed.Like a giant hug. It is also great for your kids to do.
30 years later I still pull out the old Meade notebook and giggle when I remember my dad trying to be cool and blow a bubble with bazooka joe!
You are not crazy, just in a lot of pain right now and nothing will make that go away, when my sister and I lost our mother in 2000 we literally could not get out of bed and function as normal human beings. about 6 months ago my husband accidently put a tape in the vcr and I was in the kitchen and I heard my moms voice and I lost it. It was like loosing her all over again My sister and I have many tapes of her, at mothers day parties Christmas etc….We want to watch them but at the same time we can’t, just the thought of seeing her up and walking and talking and cutting the fool I think it would killme I still want to hold her and talk to her and tell her things, I willnot tell you that it gets easier to me it doesnt you just learn how to live around it somehow, you are in my thoghts and prayers so much because I do know how you feel, It hurts and it makes me mad that she is not here.Just know that you are in my thoghts and prayers. We Love You. and just hang on!!!!!
Jen-
I am so sorry about your mom and I have thought about you and your family often.
I lost my father 2 months a go and I know exactly what you are taking about. I felt like I did not know how to grieve and questioned my tears then laughing the next minute as well. It is just part of the process. The tears come out in the strangest places and situations so just go with it and know it is ok. There are no set rules in grieving and you will grieve in what ever way your body needs- you are not crazy.
I have days that I think about my dad all the time then others not as much. My focus for now is taking care of myself and keeping in touch with my mom. They were married 47 years and this is such a lonely time for her despite all the great friends she has.
Your dad will need you more than ever.
So- relax and know you are normal and grieving. You need to allow yourself to have fun again because your mom would not want you to be so sad.
Take care and know she is always with you.
Listening to you this week has made me want to cry along with you so i wanted to share my granny and my favorite poem. I hope it helps you as it has helped us in the past.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
by Mary Elizabeth Frye
Hang in there and remember she lives on through you and your family.
Jennifer, There are so many wonderful postings here and the message is consistant. Knowing what you feel and assuring you that it is normal to be upside down and inside out. You will never be the same, but you will be better. Your Mom instilled this strength in you to grieve and she is holding your hand to help you through it. I still feel my Mom guiding me after she left me 7 years ago. Hold on, dear Jennifer, hold on.
Much love, Eva
One day at a time, baby.
I googled you mother too. She was beautiful! Nothing like the Bunny on Sex In The City:)
Hi Jennifer –
You wrote “is this just how it is when you lose someone you love?”
Unfortunately yes, this is how it is when you lose someone you love. It’s going to take a long time and some days will be better than others. You’re not crazy. Don’t beat yourself up for being all over the place emotionally. It’s normal. I sent an email to the show with info on this book: How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I forget the authors names, but there’s 3 of them…Peter McWilliams, Melba Cosgrove, and someone else I think – anyway – it is a great book, very easy to read, and it really gets how you’re feeling and helps you through it. It helped me when my father died. I wish I could I make things right for you again – I know how hard this is and I am sorry.
Jennifer, you are not crazy.There is no “How To” on how to grieve in my opinion. everyone handles it differently so dont beat yourself up about it. You are having normal feelings. I can say (for me anyway)it does ease with time,but my mother passed in 1989 and I still have a dream once in a while that she is sitting on the side of my bed trying to wake me. Just try to do things to keep busy and dont be afraid to have those memories of your mother pop up ,just enjoy them.
Let yourself experience the grief, Jennifer. It’s okay to be sad, to hurt so much it’s physically painful. Grief can be healing, but it takes time. I’ve lost so many loved ones, my father when I was 13, my mother when I was 22 and had just gotten married and she was truly my best friend, my brother in a car accident and then almost two years ago, my beloved sister. She was my anchor, my rock and my best friend. It hurt like hell for about a year and then gradually I accepted it. I’m spiritual (not really religious) and I feel in my heart that our spirit lives on and we will have communion in some way with our loved ones when we die. If you haven’t read A New Earth, give it a try. It opened my eyes in a way that I’ve never experienced. Whether you call it consciousness, spirit, soul, or whatever, there is a piece of us that lives on. I believe it with all my heart. I had dreams of my sister right after she died. We always hugged and she looked so radiant. She was younger, too, her most beautiful physical self. In my last dream of her, she hugged me and whispered in my ear, “it’s not about religion, it’s how you live your life”. I believe it was a message from her. My love and prayers are with you, Jennifer, and your family. Your Mom was a gift, so try and focus on the beautiful years you had with her, and your broken heart will become a place of thanksgiving. It takes time. Peace be with you, Jennifer.
You’re not crazy. Grief is a different experience for everyone. However, the one thing that is the same for everyone is that it sucks. You’ll never stop loving her or missing her, but you will eventually adapt to life without her daily presence. Give yourself a break.
Dear Jennifer,
Your Mother would want you to grieve in your own way. To cry when you want to cry and to laugh and have fun when those moment come. Do not feel that any particular behavior or emotion will be judged. Your Mother’s love and wish for your healing is unconditional.
My best wishes to you,
A Fan and Mom of 3
Jennifer- You’d feel like crap if you didn’t feel like crap. You’d feel disloyal to your mom and wonder what the hay was wrong with you for not feeling like you wanted to explode with grief. You’re feeling it, like you’re supposed to. You’re supposed to be confused and all over the place. You have to come to grips with all of it and it’s so unbelievably sh***y to even have to. You will never be over it. But you won’t always be under it, either. You’ll find your unhappy medium, and you’ll stay in that medium almost all the time. But know there will be days when you won’t, and those will suck, but there will also be days where you are so grateful that your mom got to kiss your babies and they are old enough to always remember her. Then you will feel so grateful that the bad days won’t seem to bad. Whatever, right? You’ll be ok. Your mom would have wanted you to be ok.
P.S.- I Googled your mom! She was beautiful. She will ALWAYS be beautiful.
Jennifer, you are amazingly poignant in your description, I cried. I know what you mean and your Mother is smiling on you right now!! Thank you for your honesty and helping us to understand life through your experience.
Isn’t it an awful, empty feeling. When my Mom passed, it was so odd, I’d pick up the phone to ask her something, then think, Oh, Mom isn’t here.
It’s such a strange feeling not having one’s Mom.
Jennifer, you look for your Mom to come to you, she will. You will know it’s her.
jen, oh my god how sad to read this. And yes, this is ALL NORMAL to feel this way. ALL NORMAL -100% NORMAL. You are grieving, you are feeling all your emotions. Just think every day further from now is one more day closer to feeling better. If this makes sense. You laugh, you cry, you eat, you sleep, you get up and do it again. But everyday the feeling lessens. Keep talking about it tho as it is very theraputic and here is a word of advice: THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THRU.
So sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Thanks for the shows and hard work that you do.
First, you cry.
I don’t think that Monica is a woman…I think it is a man, with a lot of anger. Give it a rest Monica and every other name you use on this blog. I think that Monica is a Korbie wannabe…..
Jenny, for a while I swore that today’s show was a repeat. You sounded so cheerful! Of course I know your heart is in pieces, but its so great to see or I mean hear you allow yourself to be happy and to move forward. 🙂
Ya know what Jen? Change sucks! That is what this is…..a huge fucking change! Lost my best friend to cancer at 18 and my dad to cancer at 20 (I’m 43) I still hurt, but not every day – just once every month or so, or when one of my 4 kids reminds me of my dad, or does something that makes me wish they had known him. Or sometimes when I listen to your show (you both remind me of my best friend). What a lucky woman you are to have known such a wonderful woman….
Monica – where’d you go? You’re cornered bitch/bastard so grow a pair and redeem yourself now that everyone has called you out. (maybe we got lucky and she/he killed her/himself) stay off the human blog asshole.
I wholeheartedly agree with you… When I thought I was going to lose my father, I immediately wrote down all the good and bad stuff I could remember about him. I did it while it was all still fresh in my mind, as time tends to canonizes EVERYONE we lose. It’s important to remember the entire person (flaws and all), because that’s what makes us all unique.
Baby steps, Jennifer. Your pace, your time. . . It’s not something you will EVER “get over” and now there will be a new definition of “OK”. There was the “OK” before and there will be the “OK” after your mom had to leave.
I agree with all who say to just ignore “MONI-C-U-Next-Tuesday” because anyone who would say such a hurtful thing to someone in pain is a waste of skin and should be gagged for life. But this isn’t about what others think or say, it’s about YOU, your life, your hurt YOUR BLOG!
You’re eloquent, honest and very very touching, when you speak and when you write. It’s good therapy, at least it has been for me, always. Write to your mom too, if you want. You’ll be surprised once the words begin to flow, how much it warms your heart to be communicating with her again. Who knows? But I think she will hear.
Peace.
Jennifer, everything you’re feeling is normal, as many of the bloggers are telling you. Lost my father to cancer in Nov 2002, it does take time, and this is BRAND NEW, it just happened, so stop making yourself crazy, it’s OK, you are also so lucky to be surrounded by your family…… Just takes time, that’s all…….
Jennifer, I went back on your blog and ran into some video you did with you and your husband coming out of a mall and he was mad at you because you had to go back and return a pen. At the end you say something like “it’s gonna be a great ride home, lucky me” it was hilarious, your comedy/timing is great! You are so talented and funny! ;).
Jenny, It wil get better it. It is just going to take time. Know that your mom is with you helping you through this in sprit, I lost my mom 5 years ago and still miss her and I wish i could tell her things too, But you are telling her things by writing it in your blog. take care and it does get better. Time heals the strong pain but you are always going to miss your mom
This way that you feel? You feel it because your mom put that in you – taught you to feel things so deeply. Taught you to love. Taught you how to be sad. Taught you how to grieve. She planted all of this in you and now there is a giant miserable hole but you can fill it up with tears and missing her and memories and all the things she taught you and over time, you’ll be sure that she is still with you even though you can’t throw your arms around her. She is still with you. Always has been. Always will be.
I didn’t take what Monica said in a negative way, I took it to mean: reach outside of yourself, when you help others, you feel better. Just sayin’.
your description of your feelings of grief mirrored feelings many of us share. As time goes on, those feelings may not be so frequent but when they come, they can be just as intense and seem to come out of the blue. The comforting thing about those feelings, are they bring back memories and your loved one stays alive in your heart and emotions. I embrace those emotions when they come and remember….. I want to thank you for talking about googling your mom. I hadn’t thought to do that with my mom and dad so I googled them last night. My dad conducted an archestra and my mom played the flute. I was able to read things I had forgotten about them, especially my dad, and it brought back wonderful memories.
Thanks Jennifer
Jennifer…not sure this will help or not……sometimes nothing helps with the pain, can you ask your mom’s friends and relatives to send you their memories of her so you have them forever and ever? And your kids will have them too? Maybe the sharing will help them and you too grieve for the loss of a great lady. Big hug from the depths of the midwest suburbia
https://search.barnesandnoble.com/When-Youre-Falling-Dive/Mark-Matousek/e/9781596913691:
Jennifer, I hope that you read this note because I have been trying to find the right words – but I don’t think that words really help. I lost my mother nine years ago and I still miss her. The URL above will take you to a book title “When youre falling – DIVE. I think that it will take you to the place you need to be. THE LAND OF PEACE.
I also wanted to say that I think its great that you have a place to vent – I wish I had one. Monica – don’t be such a butt.
I missed last week of “whatever” and when I tuned in yesterday and heard you refer to your mom in the past tense, I hoped against hope that what I feared wasn’t true. Came onto you blog this morning and read it with a lump in my throat. My mom died a week before my 16th birthday 34 years ago. It still hurts and I still miss her so much. I hurt for her due to all the events she missed with the children (six of us) she adored (even though I know once she died she hurt no more) and I hurt for us living our lifetimes without her. No great words of comfort here–it just sucks. I just really, really hope that we meet up again in some fashion. She visited me once so I have some hope that that is true. My deepest sympathy to you and your family. Cancer in all shape and forms is a scourge (my mom died of breast cancer) but pancreatic is particularly horrid. Cancer just sucks.
Oh, Jennifer, you made me cry so hard. I feel for you. I don’t have that kind of relationship with my mother at all. The closest I have to that is with my best friend Dot & that’s not even that close to what you seemed to have. I AM SO SORRY FOR YOU…ALL I CAN SAY IS IT WILL GET BETTER…try to focus on your father, can you imagine what he must feel if you feel this after 30 some odd years & he knew her even longer. Take comfort from him. Lean on him & Stacy & Brian & Keithy. You have such a great support system, you are lucky. You are not crazy, you are just being you. Some people revert into themselves, that’s not you.
Come meet me at Eddie’s Pizza one night, I’ll listen & we’ll have chopped salad & bar pies. I know you won’t but I’d love it.
You are so lucky to have had the relationship you did with your mom. I don’t have it & can’t relate but admire it.
You will feel normal again. It just takes time. I wish for you to realize that because you are dealing with this you will one day get to the point where you can talk about you mom & smile. If you don’t deal with all these feelings then you will never get to that point.
My father in-law just died unexpectantly, my mother in-law is in a nursing home & we’ve been dealing with Alzheimers with her for 3 years now & in her room is a plaque that one of the other residents left there & it has some inspirational sayings on it that I’ve made into my own pray. It says, Hope…& something, Faith & something…Joy….& something, Peace & something. I’ve made it into my own thing. I say Hope…I hope that one day Eddie can think about his mom with out sadness, Joy…I have joy in my heart for having know her, Faith…I have faith that God will take her when he feels the time is right, Peace….I have Peace within because I know we have done all we can….
I think the Hope thing is the most important. I want my boyfriend to deal with the feelings, not supress them like most men do & then & only then will he be able to think about her & talk about her with a smile on his face.
Please, just be you. Don’t think there is a right way & a wrong way. You are how you are. You are beautiful & strong & you will get thru this. I know it.
WHATEVA!!!
Hi Jennifer, hadn’t listened to the show lately and just found out about your mom. I know how you feel and you express it well. It will get better and the more you talk about your mom the more it will help. Just know crying is a good thing and it can come on at anytime so it’s ok. The other comments above all gave good advice. My mom has been gone l6 years and I still want to call her especially now that I am having grandchildren. Your mom will visit you and help you as you live, sometimes you will know she is and other time things will happen and then you will realize she is. I just had to respond to you when I heard.
Dear Jennifer:
I too lost my mother to cancer and I know how much it hurts. The bond between mother and daughter is remarkable and wonderful. You can take immense joy from your sweet kids. They are absolutely the best medicine for you right now. I truly believe that my mother is in a much better place and now when I think of her she is happy and dancing and watching over me. Your mother will always be in your heart. I still talk to my mother and think of her every day. You are going to be ok. I’m thinking of you and your family. You are such a sweet and dear person!
All the best, Jan
Jennifer – I confess – I googled your mom also. Guess what I found? The same thing. She was just what you said. I couldn’t sleep one night, so I was just surfing the net, and googled her and there she was in several articles, pictures, I found an article about your wedding. It was very cool, and I found a very interesting, beautiful, wonderful person that I read about. You are in the grieving process so don’t be too hard on yourself. My heart goes out to you. I will cherish the days I have left with my own mother now. You have reminded me to do so. I wish I could say something more to help the pain go away, but I know there are no words. I always give my friends the advice of taking the hardest things we deal with one minutes at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time………
Jenn, I remember losing both of my parents (way before their time too) to cancer. Towards the end they were ravaged by the horrors of cancer. It was hard to get those disturbing images of suffering out of my head. Weeks after my Mom died I had a very unremarkable dream. My Mom and I were just sitting together talking. We were smiling, laughing…she looked gorgeous. And I awoke and felt so warmed by it. I swear that one dream helped me to remember my Mom the way she would want me to-it was so healing. I know she is with me always, as is your Mom. Talk to her. In time you will be good, you will be better actually, for the new compassion you’ve found. Blessings brave girl.
you are not alone – let the tears come, have the conversations with her however you see fit. you will feel “normal” again but never quite the same…she’s the person who knew you first and best and you will always miss her. my mom’s been gone 19 years. some days I still need her and cry because I can’t call her or visit her. tell all the funy stories you can about your mom, tell them often, it will help and so will the passing of time. welcome to the motherless daughter’s club. you are not alone.
Is that nodule gone yet?
your voice sounds a bit raspy cute but raspy..love you ladies…:)
you are not the only one who lost a mother I took care of my mother for 15 years i watch my mother die I held her hand it is know on over a year and not one day goes by my mother is in my thoughts and prayer stop your cruel comments are toa lister your call a cow grow up Alexis your mother has so much class what happen to you
Jenny,when my dad died I was eight years old and I would not accept it.It couldn’t be true that he was gone forever,so I fooled myself into thinking that he just had to leave for a while.But eventually I realized he wasn’t coming back so I had to come to terms that he was in a happier place free from pain and at peace finally.There were many times that I thought I had seen my dad in public places and looked right at him but he didn’t recognize me which was very disturbing to me but I realized that this was my mind working overtime.I have learned that death is very cruel to the survivors but its also part of life,but it still sucks.It will take a long time to get used to not having your mom around but eventually you will adjust,you will never get over it but you will adjust…hang in there Jenny it will only get a little easier with time.xoxoxo
I know it sucks. Embrace and experience the process and the feelings that you have. Remember,you are a regular person going through a regular experience. Most of us will lose our parents. Know that you are not alone and that you are not crazy. Things will get better and you will better.
Blessings to you and yours.
I am 47 – my Mom died 16 years ago. If I had your phone number I’d call you. Although everyone’s experience is different I can swear I wrote your blog message. When my Mom died I cried in my car (it was my sanctuary). I couldn’t listen to music. It was when I fell in love with talk radio. I listen to music and talk these days, but for about a year I flipped stations and avoided a lot of music. To this day I prefer to avoid “Tears in Heaven”. It came out about the time my Mom died and I cried so hard in my car about caused an accident. I turned it off and said “no music for me”. Thinking of you and if you were my neighbor I’d want to bring you chocolate and a hug. Not that it would make the hurt go away. Just because I so relate. Time. It is hard wait. But time will help. Best to you. Randi
It still happens to me and mom has been gone 8 years….it just doesn’t happen as often:)
Jennifer,
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. I think for a woman there really isn’t anything harder. We lost my Dad almost 6 years ago and it was probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and my family.
What use to bother me the most in the beginning was speaking about him in the past tense…I got used to it..but it was painful in the beginning.
I googled him too a few years back. And I also spoke to a Psychic. I am a Christian, who began to go back to Church when my Dad got sick, but oddly enough, talking to that Psychic made me feel as if I had a final conversation with him and got some closure.
call me kooky, whatever, but it worked for me.
I hope you find the mechanisms that make it easier for you as well. You sound like you are doing fine…it’s been such a short time for you and your family.
wishing you peace.
JoAnn
I read your blog and it brought be right back to the months following my father died. He had a heart attack when he was 59. That was 12 years ago and I remember the greif like it was yesterday.
I remember reading “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. It really gave me perspective. Hang in there, it does get easier.
My mom died suddenly at the age of 61. The grief process was long and hard and painful, but it did eventually end. I can now laugh and engage and have fun with my kids and plan things and feel happy again. Be kind and gentle to yourself now. Remember, your Mom would NEVER want you to be miserable. She would want you to be a happy mother, a loving wife, confident and committed in your job and enjoying your life. Remember that when the pain wells up so much that you feel that there are not enough tears in the world. Give yourself plenty of time – for me it was two years. Doing kid things helps – nothing like a night of playing Clue or riding Go Karts to get you outside of yourself. Take care Jennifer.
Jennifer,
I have just found out about your Mom. I sat and cried while I read the last few posts. Your thoughts, the before and the after, are exactly what I was thinking during the loss of my Mom. She was 58, she became ill and she died 3 months later…never knowing her actual diagnosis. She never came to any sort of acceptance. She was angry and devastated. We found out after that it was mesothelioma…then had to deal with the anger.
You are going to hurt forever. But somehow it becomes normal. It becomes another bit of who you are and what you’ve experienced. You will cry often and at the most unexpected moments. And it is ok. It is ok.
You are in the club now…and it sucks. You will miss her everyday. But don’t forget, she wouldn’t want you to miss the joy. She wouldn’t want this to take away from your children. Hold them close, they will hold you up.
It has been close to 6 years for me. Sometimes I still can’t come to terms. I miss her more than I can say. But most of the time I am better than fine. I can go months without crying. I laugh hard and I laugh often. She would want me to. It will come.
She is in your heart…and you are an extension of her. You will carry her and you won’t let her be forgotten. You will tell your children everything you know of her and then they will know her too.
I’ll be thinking of you….
You have this voice and people are listening. So many will be comforted by your words, your honesty.
Much love to you.
Leanne
First of all, get someone over the age of 5 next time to write your comments. Then when you do, maybe go back and read JENNIFER’S blog. It is HER forum to write whatever it is that she is thinking, feeling, going through at the time. If you want to express your emotions, get your own g-d damn blog. She is greiving right now, and this is HER forum for expressing HERSELF. If you don’t like it DON’T READ IT. If you don’t like what is said on the show DON’T LISTEN TO IT. Last time I heard nobody was holding a gun to your head to listen to the show or read her blog. Get off of her back and let her grieve in her own way.
What a jerk! One element of “class” is knowing one should never presume it is acceptable to point out another’s lack of… so there, now I’ve gone and done it. But WHY come onto JENNIFER’S blog and insult Alexis? Is that a twisted condolence note or what?
My parents taught me that it is impolite to point out another’s rudeness but in your case I’m going to make an exception.
And another thing: learn to spell, punctuate and use complete sentences. You’ll never get your point across writing with the skills (and maturity) of a second-grader.
Hang in there Jennifer. Every day it will get easier, even though it is so awful to think that every day is one more without her. Don’t feel guilty for having happiness, and don’t apologize for being overwhelmingly sad. It’s a process and you cannot skip any of the steps. You’ll get through it with the love of your family and friends and the memories of your beloved mom. PEACE
I was going to comment about Monica’s lack of sensitivity but clearly ‘Someone in New Jersey’ has taken a page from the same book. People, I don’t believe Jennifer ever said that she was the ONLY person going through this. She is truly BRAVE for putting into words her thoughts, feelings and fears. For those that believe Jennifer is an egomaniac, you should look at yourselves – YOU are the ones with the problem. Jennifer – grief has no timeline….don’t force it. Thanks for being so brave and telling us YOUR story – you are a true reflection of your mother.
How’s Jennifer?
Oh Jennifer – I do know how you feel. My wonderful father was diagnosed with inoperable head/neck cancer in May 2004, and he died on July 3, 2004. Nothing anyone would do. He was just 70.
Take one day at a time, let yourself grieve and eventually you will start to live again. Honest.
Hugs sweetheart.
Laura
Jen,
I know nothing can erase the pain you are feeling right now but I have a book suggestion that might make you smile. Try reading “scaredy squirrel” with your kids. It’s by Melanie Watt. You may be able to relate to scaredy and even if you don’t I’m sure it will make you smile.
Jennifer- Reading your post gave me such a rush of emotions. I lost my father last year to a brain tumor and watching someone you love so much be in such pain and then pass in such a short time is really the most hurting you can ever feel. Knowing there is nothing you can do and not understanding how it could happen is really one of the hardest things you can ever go through. Its like there is just nothing anyone can say or do to make the pain go away no matter how sorry they feel for your loss. And it seems to always happen to the ones we love so much and are such great and wonderful people. It takes a lot of time to grieve, even a year later for myself I still hurt and cry over it! No matter how much you want to be over it, its a life changing thing and its going to hurt. You just have to grieve and write down your memories and live each day knowing how much your mother loved you and would be so proud of you in each new accomplishment in you and your families lives. -When you say your afraid to be still I completely get it, I was the same way, numb. I stayed as busy as possible and the truth is, it hits us all at such a random time! When your heart literally feels broken… that is grieving and time is really the only thing that heals it…
Im so sorry, much love to you and your family.
– Camille
I almost vomited when I found out your mom passed away. I met her once. At Stacy’s sweet sixteen. You have to understand…. this party was huge for me. My mother (what the hell was she thinking?) sent me in a white cotton sailor dress outfit. I was the pathetic girl mortified to walk into the ballroom. Your mom… like radar zoomed in on me. She made me feel so comfortable. She made me feel beautiful even though every other girl had long ballgowns on. I must have looked like a total charity case. My point is… I left feeling accepted and beautiful and appreciated. How the hell do you think you will ever get over this process? You won’t. She was amazing. She was Jackie Kennedy with your granmas love and affection and riddled with the humor of a fifteen year old. She was exceptional. So… now you have your dad and stacy and your brother…and they feel your pain. And they love you. And know Jen…you live each day and do a mitzvah or something really special in her honor. You will have great times and memories… but the word bittersweet actually means something. Everything will now be bittersweet. You will see her again. Trust me. Even if it is thru the eyes of your kids..
I am so sorry. Geanne Kratter
Sad, but I don’t get along with my own mother that well or in that way. BUT, I have a 16 year old daughter and I can imagine that this is how either of us would feel…we are very close, like best friends. I am so sorry for pain and being without your mother.
I just lost my dad on July 5th and am going throught the same range of emotions as you are.
Most of the time I am at peace because he did not suffer and went quickly. Then I think of all the things I wanted to say and I get so sad for not saying I love you one last time.
My father was my hero and I miss so much.
We will feel better again,maybe not the same but
we will have fun and we will try and remember the fun times and keep their spirits alive.
Know that you are in my thoughts and you are not alone.