and i’m not being dramatic- just factual.
my mother died three weeks ago and when people talk to me i can’t stop myself from saying "well my mom just died…."
like anyone really cares or gets it.
and i don’t mean that no one has felt the grief i am feeling or no one has experienced loss or no one else has sadness due to whatever. i know everyone has unbearable pain at some point or another.
but no one else lost my mom.
no one else misses her like i do.
and i don’t think anyone else should and i don’t blame the poor strangers who aren’t looking to soothe my pain when asking how i am.
it is my problem. my grief. and it is personal but then on the other hand i can’t avoid letting it show.
the tears come so randomly.
vegas has been great. i’ve been a little without feeling and adequately distracted.
which has been both helpful and odd.
And today i had the most relaxing and delightful facial and was overcome with emotion. hmmmm.
randy pausch lost his battle with pancreatic cancer last week and i am so sad for the people who loved him but (and i can’t believe I’m admitting this) his inability to beat this disease gives me some relief- because a part of me thinks if he couldn’t beat it then how could i have expected my mother would. he had the whole world pulling for him. he had drs from all over and support beyond comprehension and the will to fight…in a way his dying liberates my guilt of not being able to save my mother.
and i know how hard we tried and she tried.
tonight keith and i renewed our vows (11 years!) at viva las vegas elvis wedding chappel.
it was really fun and surprisingly sweet.
then we had drinks at the golden nugget (i didn’t drink, the others did!) and fantastic (celebratory?!) dinner at charlie’s bar in restaurant charlie at the palazzo.
it was delicious and i laughed tonight more than i’ve laughed in months.
my mom died 3 weeks ago and tonight keith and i renewed our wedding vows. and i was happy.
pictures and links to follow tomorrow.
xxx
jennifer
aim:whateverradio
facebook:jennifer koppelman hutt
Dear Jennifer:
As a parent, I think we try to show our kids how to be strong when we would rather pull the covers over our heads.
You have done a great job. I was thinking that today while I was enjoying your show.
I had yartzeit for my dad this week, and I vividly remember how I felt by reading your blog.
It does get easier, and you will be ok. Just be good to yourself, laugh, and keep yourself busy. I feel that when I am good to myself, I am honoring my dad.
xxoooo
Haleigh
(It’s ok to buy yourself lots of cool stuff at this time, I like to buy designer bags on Bluefly The Fendi mesh tote is my latest!)
Congrats on renewing your vows in VEGAS!!!
Since there is so much to do and so much to see, I hope that in some ways you have been able to take your mind off the pain even if just for a few moments while in Vegas.
I’m so glad to hear that you’re having some fun.
CONGRATULATIONS!!! to you and Keith on the renewal. I toast to your health and happyness.
You will laugh more with time. You will always have moments of missing your mom so much it brings tears to your eyes. But your mom lives in your heart and the heart of those she touched. You are writing beautifully about the pain you are experiencing and it will help you get through this most difficult time in your life. Jenn I wish you strength and peace. Take care,
That is so great about your vow renewal! My hubby and I are renewing our vows in Vegas for our 10 year in 2 weeks! We are going to the little white chapel! I am so excited! That is probably what you needed!!!!
This is so beautifully written-as always! I can only hope that my daughter will be as thrilled with me as you were with your mother! Life is so bittersweet. Truly heartbreaking! 🙁
There is no way to put anything less than an intense impratur of sadness on the death of someone you love, especially the person who brought you into the world. Grieve, then go in the shower to cry so your kids don’t get upset, (that was my trick when my sister died in a fire,) but life surely does go on and the pain will ease, sunrise, sunset. It will be okay.
Bless your heart, kid. Hang in there. Really…one day at a time.
We need to see what Jared looks like! Alexis shtooped Jared! HOT
I was just thinking about your mom last night. How it was so hard to believe that she was a vibrant part of the show, calling in and scolding Alexis and bringing her own sense of fun to the show. . . and now she can’t. I’m so glad to hear you laughed and renewed your vows! That is all a mom wants in life, to have a happy child! I can’t wait to see pictures!
you’re right, Jennifer…you are forever changed. It will get easier and you will eventually cry less, but you will be forever changed. Losing a parent is such a sad and painful thing, and I really believe they take a little bit of us with them when they go. My children really helped me get through it, and counseling. Keep going forward, one day at a time. You guys are the best.
Jennifer, thanks for being so very candid with your thoughts and feelings. It not only helps you to voice them, but also helps a magnitude of people that expands wider than you will probably ever know. Secondly, I think you are doing a really good job of “going on” and continuing your life. So, whenever the emotions suddenly come over you, just remember it’s normal and it does pass in waves. It will come and go, then become fewer and further between. I can’t believe I am actually saying that because that’s what everyone said to me when I lost my sister, and I wanted to tell them to go to hell! But it does somehow happen. As everyone has already said, there’s a new “normal” that is now your life. The missing doesn’t go away, it, if we are lucky, is numbed a bit as time goes on.
Hey, congrats on the renewal of your vows! I think that was a great thing to do, and will mark the beginning of a new chapter in your life.
I’m so happy that you’re to the point where you can be happy again.
See…. we told you it would happen!!!
hang in there Jennifer. Sounds like Las Vegas might be the getaway you needed. Congratulations on renewing your vows, maybe someday I can do the same with my partner if our douche bags in the government make things equal for everyone.
Jenn,
I’m so sad for your loss. It wouldn’t hurt so much now if you hadn’t loved so hard. If you are like me, the love was worth the pain. Something I can tell you from experience is time heals the wounds. And the good times will feel even better now that you have a reference point of what really bad feels like.
Jennifer,
Thanks for sharing you healing from the loss of your mothers.
You are a very brave and strong person.
jen, your thoughts on everything sound like you are making progress. I’m glad you got away for awhile and I still think you should cry whenever and wherever you want. And tell whoever you want. I used to tell strangers also, it’s odd. Like they really care but it wasn’t about them, it was about me at that time. Cleansing, grief, etc. Like Kim said, we told you it would happen! The hole will always be there, but you’ll just find a place to put it where it isn’t so raw. God bless you Jen.
Jennifer, thanks for being you and for the sharing. You girls have cracked me up this week (no surprise).
Jennifer, not that one thing can ever replace another, you have feelings of great sadness about the loss of your mother, when you write about Keith and your children, I know you know just how lucky you are in life to have someone that sticks by you in good and bad times…sometimes that doesnt happen…at least in my case
Now that you are forever changed can you be nicer to the listeners that call in?
Wow! As corny as this sounds, since you were writing about grief, that was beautifully written. The part, “…no one else lost my mom…” is completely, and utterly perfect.
Well done.
Have a super day and blessings on re-newing your vows.
Wonderful, just wonderful.
Hi Jen,
I am so happy that you are enjoying your time away. Congrats! Renewing your vows, how wonderful, Keith is a lucky man. I said many times that time passes and you become accustomed to the familiarity of the pain each day, that lightens up a bit.
Brian, my son, passed 10 years ago this Sat. August 2nd. He is never far from my thoughts. Your Mom will never be far from your throughts each and everyday. Sometimes you will feel sad and others you will smile and laugh and remember such good and happy times. I wish this all for your Jen, that you find peace and contentment within your life. Take good care and say “hello” to Alexis.
you are so lucky….for having had your mother, and for having keith….remember that and you will be ok.
Viva Las Vegas. No doubt your mom is loving that you are able to find some of your laughter again. Safe travels.
Are you single? If so, I’d LOVE to ask you out for drinks. MANY!
I did the exact same thing when my Dad died. People would talk to me and all I could think was “don’t you know my Dad just died?”. My world came apart and I almost couldn’t understand how things could seem so normal for other people.
But it sound like you guys are having a blast in Vegas!! Congrats to you and Keithy (he is verrry cute)!
Good Jennifer that you got some relax time. Congrats on the renewed vows. I was thinking of doing that next trip to Vegas. So Alexis didn’t marry Paulie then? Awww too bad. You said the others drank at the Nugget? Now I wonder who that was? Hell have a good time that is what business trips are all about fun and work. Get a Coney Island dog at Nathan’s. The glitzy boardwalk games are fun. Keith can win a big floppy doll or a Chinese finger trap. Anyway get out and have fun. Did you ride the train over to the Hilton? Walk the underground tunnels yet? Also there is a heli ride to the Grand Canyon that is cool. Another thing is skydiving but you stay on the ground. it is a wind tunnel you suit up and get a make believe dive on a cushion of air. That way no air sickness. Don’t forget the Krispe Creams….ugh…..Safe trip home.
Jen… You expressed that beautifully. Thank you for sharing this side of yourself with us. Keep talking about it if you need too. People who care will listen and those who don’t…… Who needs them anyway? Sometimes you need to talk just to get it out. That doesn’t mean you expect everyone to know the answer or soothe you pain. It’s your way of coping and if it works DO IT!!!!
Congratulations on renewing your vows. Your so lucky to have Keithy.
You said you were gonna try gambling… GO FOR IT! There’s such a thing as “beginners’ luck” and with your own special anger on your shoulder (your mom) you could clean up!
When I go to Vegas (infrequently, really) I play Keno while having breakfast (lots of restaurants have Keno runners and you can eat, visit, and mark your numbers while they go place the best for you) and I usually win enough to go sit at a ’21” table and play with THEIR money for a while. Just remember, if the dealer has a 2, 3, or 4, stand on 12 or more and never hit over 16.
Have fun and I hope you break the bank!
P.S. my friend was married by “Elvis” on a Friday the 13th. What a kooky, fun time! ENJOY!
Congratulations on your wonderful relationship with Keithy. You are so lucky to have found each other and to continue to make it work. Cant wait to see the pictures.
I totally understand what you are going through. Glad you are having a good time in Vega! You need that, and congrats to you & Keith on renewing your vows, very romantic. I like to do that sometime with my hubby.
Jen, your Moms death is something that you have added to your Lifetime Purse. Some days you’ll carry it with you and some days you will leave it at home and carry a different purse. There is nothing wrong sharing what you are going through with others; it is a part of you right now.
I do hope someday you will think about writing a book of your experiences. Your writing is wonderful (as I have mentioned before)!!!
I can totally visualize Keithy in a Powder Blue Tux with the big collar.
Oh No You Didn’t!
Jen, you are helping people with their own grief because I felt the same way you do. I would look at people and think,”do they even realize my Dad just died?” and I felt as though the world stopped. The world stopped for me but went on for others and now, it has finally gone on for me. It takes time.
Congrats to you and your husband and eff the person who told me to shutup in an earlier blog:-)
I agree with “maybe” You could be a little more real and nice to the callers. You seem to be nasty to them once they’ve hung up. always a comment. Just letting you know! Have a good one.
Maybe Martha could understand your pain, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you gave her a call sometime.
my dad died almost two years ago. I still think about it EVERY day. I still want to say…my dad died like the world should stop. You are okay sweetie. Really. You are okay.
I teared up after reading this post. You are forever changed. Your grief is your own and you can know how much your mother meant to you. Thanks for sharing such an emotional post.
Happy for you and Keithy!
Jennifer: I lost my mother 11 months ago. For months, I cried and cried and the tears would not stop. I think I went back to work to soon, I think I was trying to be strong for my 7 brothers and sisters (I’m 50) and my father, and the 22 grandchildren. The paid was so unbearable, and I have to warn you, it does not go away, so go with it, know it’s there, acknowledge it and it’s OK. I never felt paid or loss like this, I was not prepared, but when you see or talk to someone everyday, there is such a huge void. The tears will stream down my face at a quiet moment, but it is getting better. It is true, you need time and someday you will be able to cope with this loss. I am sorry you have to go through it. I listen to your show everyday since day 1 (unless I’m not in the car), Good Luck
My mom died a year and a half ago and I still start many conversations off with “well, I lost my mom last year.” I know it’s odd and most people probably don’t care, but each person’s grieving process is his or her own. I’ve spoken to others who have lost a parent, and they say it takes 5-7 years to feel normal again. (Nonscientific poll of 5 of my friends). Hang in there. From now on, you’ll feel an immediate bond with anyone who’s lost a parent.
My dad died in March of 2000. He lived a long and happy life. Today, I saw an old friend of my daughter’s who loved my dad like a grandpa. I cried like I haven’t cried in 5 years. It feels like yesterday that I was in my dad’s arms. I hope he knew how much I loved him and I hope he knows now that I still do.
I miss your mom for you.
i love the show so much. however I agree with maybe, you cut the callers off and you can totally hear your snickering behind the scenes. how many times do you have to hit mute to stop from laughing at people when they call?
I understand. I lost my mom almost 7 years ago and it still feels new. I talk to her everyday. I look at my children and always think to my self that she would have gotten such a kick out of them. But most of all I just want her around–she’s not, I know that, but it doesn’t take the hurt away…
You made me tear up again. You have such a beautiful way of expressing yourself. I am so glad you were able to get away for a bit and have a break from everything going on in your life. And I am so glad you laughed again. You have a wonderful husband in that Keithy of yours. Congrats! ( By the way, how was the ride in the pink cadillac?)
Jennifer, you’re amazing. Really.
Good for you Jen! I am glad you were able to have a good time, you deserve it. I tell people all the time I just lost my parents less than a year ago and they look at me strangely. Almost uncomfortable, thinking that now they are obliged to make me feel better or something. Sometimes, you just need to say it out loud…for yourself. Reading your thoughts helps me cope with my loss, I hope my (our) words help you too.
xoxo
Mica
When my mom died I just wanted the whole world to stop because how could it possibly go on without her? It sucks..it does and only time will make it better. Just take one day at a time, cry when you need to and know that time will heal your pain.
I lost my mom this past June and it honestly has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Your blog entry is so “on” with exactly how I’m feeling and what has been happening over the past month. Thanks for sharing and know it helps others navigate the unfamiliar. Big hugs!
Hi Jennifer
I am happy for you and Keith, and most of all I know your mom is happy tooo!!! she only wants to see you happy. Enjoy life and keep laughing and smiling.
I listen to you both every day on my way home from work and love the show. You both brighten my day and look forward to the ride home daily.
Alexis you are an awesome friend
Take care
Barbara
Hello Jen,
I am glad that you have found ways to keep yourself busy, Congrats on the renewed vows. The pain never goes away, but in time it will ease up. We had a patient pass this friday from Pancreatic cancer, He was only 45, and had only been treated for a month. There is no rime or reason. Your mother did her job here on earth. We are all here for seasons. Right now, you are in the Summer of your life, enjoy it. And by seasons, i mean, We all start out in Spring, when everything is a new.Summer is when things blossom and grow, Fall is when things get a little old and start to wither. Fall is when we are getting ready for the long winter, getting older a little more wore out. Winter is our final season, When we enter the darkest hours of our lives, the ending. Please make sure you live you seasons to their fullest.
Hi Jen,
I lost my Mom a year ago….it is still so hard I just miss her so much. I was in Nantucket this weekend and I saw a beautiful wallet she would have loved……and if she had been alive I would have bought it for her……Just am always thinking about her and how much she meant to me. I left the shop and started to cry and of course pulled it together shortly and kept going but it is just so damn sad to lose your Mom.
Stay busy with the show you are doing so well….
You are such a sweetheart. I also thought of you when I heard of Randy Paushs’ passing. I hoped it would bring you peace to know that you, just like the people who loved Randy, did all you could to save your mom. My mom is ill and probably won’t be around long. It gives me hope to hear that you are laughing again, because I can’t stand the thought of her not being here.
My Mom just died this morning. She left us at 6:10 am, Aug. 3, 08. My life will never be the same without her. My head feels like it will explode. I talked to her everyday of my life. Even right now, all I want to do is talk to her about what’s happening now. God I hope this pain ends.
Jen – my dad died unexpectedly 2 months ago. My like has been changed and sadden since. People do not understand what you’re going through, unless they have lost a loved one. They say they understand, but don’t. Sometimes I feel that when I do talk about it to them, they tune me out, or just don’t want to hear it anymore. So, I don’t talk about my Dad’s death anymore with CERTAIN friends, cause they DON’T UNDERSTAND. You do have the right to be sad, and grieve….your mom DIED! She won’t be around anymore….with your kids, all those days we all took for granted with our loved one. I am sorry for you, I feel your pain. It will get better, people have told me. Write about your pain. It helps. Love, LizS
HEY JENNIFER
I AM SO GLAD ALL OF YOU HAD A GREAT TIME IN LAS VEGAS!!! CONGRATS ON GETTING MARRIED AGAIN–I WAS WONDERING IF YOU TRIED THE CUPCAKES I BROUGHT YOU?? I TRIED TO GET BACK THERE TO SEE ALEXIS BUT I HAD TO WORK!! I HOPE YOU GUYS COME BACK VERY SOON!!
You and Keith are so cute! I gave my Mother A 60th birthday party this weekend and when she said to me I wish your Daddy was still here (after 14 years) I cried like a baby-so please ignore the harsh comments and F the ones who do not have any idea how this feels
Hi Jennifer, I was so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. When your show first began I remember your Mom, Bunny, calling in. I thought to myself, ah she sounds like my Mom! Her cadence of speech was so New York and warmly familiar. I am originally from NYC and so appreciated you and she together.I hope that happy joyful memories of Bunny quickly replace those that you have of her illness. We are always the children of our parents, and the loss of a parent to a child is profound. I wish you and your family peace.
God Bless You Jennifer. At least you had a wonderful mother who loved you very much. Hell,I MISS HER!
When my mother dies,and she’ll
probably outlive me,it will be very difficult for me to eke out some crocodile tears. : )
I’m so sorry about your mom.
Congrats on your renewal.
Hey Jennifer!
I think it is so “normal” that you end up telling everyone that your mom died.
I end up telling everyone that my Dad is sick. Like now – look at me …
I wanted to thank you for sharing your journey with us – perhaps it helped you or maybe it has not (can anything help the pain of losing “mom”?) but it has helped me understand what to expect when my Dad passes away later.
He has the same thing as Senator Kennedy and I am wondering if all the money in the world can buy Kennedy’s health…
How is your Dad doing?
i think you’re awesome, very witty and bright..enjoy listening to you and alexis..so sorry about your mom.. wish you the best of everything.. health, wealth , love and more renewals to come .. I wish I could say the same for myself.. and most of all good luck on the radio program.. hope you stay on for a long time..
SORRY ABOUT YOUR MOM I LOST MINE A WHILE BACK TOLUNG CANCER.JUST WANT TO ALSO TELL YOU I HAVE NOT LISTEN TO YOUR SHOW IN 1 YEAR IT WAS BORING WANTED TO SEE WHAT WAS UP AND SHE IF ANY CHANGES,BUT YOU GOT WORSE THAT OTHER PERSON THAT TALK’S WITH YOU AND ALEXIS ON THE SHOW SHE REALLY IS BAD FIND ANOTHER ONE. SORRY JUST HAD TO LET YOU KNOW AND I AM VERY SORRY ABOUT YOUR MOM KEEP YOUR HEAD UPIT WILL GET BETTER WITH TIME