my mother’s oncologist was known as a the doctor to go to for pancreatic cancer. HE had the patients who lived the longest. HE was the mad scientist. HE had the ability to keep her alive long enough that maybe another medication would emerge that could cure her- ok that was MY wishful thinking but he did tell me he thought she’d be able to live three years. i can’t believe i just wrote three years. like that would’ve been long enough?
and i hate my mother’s oncologist … i hate him because he sold his services like a snake oil salesman (my brother brian came up with that analogy in the hospital and i was furious with him! what? mommy’s doctor? oh brian you were so right.) (and no, he didn’t TECHNICALLY give wrong treatment.)
and i hate my mother’s oncologist because while my mother was still under his care, he would NOT acknowledge how sick she had become- almost as if it was her fault and not the disease taking over. at one point he said to me (about 10 weeks before my mother died, maybe even closer to the end than that) ” the cancer is not what’s going to kill her, she’s killing herself by not eating.” dude! it was the freaking cancer that caused her to be unable to eat. it was the distended belly caused by the cancer spewing off fluid filled with malignant toxic cells. it was the cancer overtaking my mother’s body. and she told you. i was there. my mother told you the pain she was in. “hmmmmmm i don’t know why you are in such pain bunny.” you said.
i hate him because he lacked the decency to admit defeat.
after the visit to him where he told my mother if she ate some more she’d be fine (he prescribed a powder called juven to stimulate her appetite) my mother’s pain increased, dramatically, and food became a non event. and ultimately we had to bring my mother to the hospital near our house so she could be taken out of pain. (where this doctor did NOT work- he didn’t want us bringing her to his hospital.)
upon admitting my mother to our local hospital, my mother’s new doctor, dr. death (yeah, i called her that) told us that my mom had one to three weeks left to live. no, that news didn’t sit well with me, but at least i was prepared for my mom’s dying, or as prepared as i could be, which was of course completely unprepared.
dr. death, who i tortured and tortured hoping she’d change her medical opinion to suit my needs. dr. death who my mother cursed out….literally told her to go eff herself…because my mother’s pain was so excruciating.
dr. death who escorted each of my mother’s grandchildren to my mother’s bedside to say goodbye.
SHE was the one who showed courage enough to tell the truth and let us know that the cancer was winning, for that I respected her and held back from calling the negligence and malpractice law firm in Chicago but I really wanted to.
my mother hadn’t stopped eating because she was being difficult! my mother’s body was breaking down. and there was nothing we could do but love her and be by her side. oh and medicate her so she didn’t feel the wreckage taking place inside of her.
BUT my mother’s oncologist, whom she adored because he promised he’d help her, and who said he LOVED my mother because she reminded him of his own mother- HE NEVER visited, HE NEVER called her, HE NEVER sent her a note, NOTHING at the end. and this was after my mother had written a five page letter to this ahole about what a wonderful a doctor he was and how proud his family should be. (my mother wrote this when she had her first scan three months into treatment and her tumor had shrunk by almost half).
in the end, this hot shot dr. was a coward. afraid to face us and talk of my mother’s dying and maybe even afraid to deal with her death.
regardless, three months later it still feels so wrong to me. the whole thing. the doctor we put all of our trust in said my mom wasn’t dying yet, but she was. and she did. and he didn’t even say he was sorry. and i don’t mean sorry that he couldn’t save her, but sorry that he was wrong in thinking he could. sorry that he didn’t say how sick she was. sorry that he didn’t provide the comfort he should have as her doctor.
and i don’t know how to deal with that.
jennifer
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
It’s good that you are letting your feelings out. That is a good way to start the healing process. Right now nothing anyone can say will change your mind. Vent, get mad, be upset, question the treatment, that is ok and normal. It’s good that it’s all coming out.
Well, there are some happy thoughts to begin a Monday.
this a*hole doctor needs to hear all this and it would help to bring you some closure over something that is still very painful and unsettled. he needs to hear this so hopefully this won’t repeat with his future patients. somewhere along the way many doctors lose their compassion and need a wakeup call as to how painful their practices are. tell him how you feel, for you, for bunny, and for anyone else who has been affected by him.
Write him a letter…put it all out there for him to read. Who cares if he reads it, you will feel better for writing it down, putting it in an envelope, putting that stamp on it and dropping it in the mailbox. These asshole doctors all think they are better than the rest of us and we are all idiots. All patients want is for them to be truthful and honest. Tell us if there is nothing you can do! The fact that he didn’t want Bunny in “his hospital” is very telling. As you know, pancreatic cancer is probably one of the worst with a very low survival rate. This doctor did your whole family a disservice by not being honest with you and pawning you off on another doctor.
We knew when my dad was diagnosed that there was little that could be done, and that was helpful. We always had hope, but we knew it was unlikely. Our oncologist was great like that.
dear Jen,
what you are feeling is completely normal and understandable. Anger is part of the grieving process.
And second-guessing? well, although not so helpful, I completely get what you are going through, because I lost my dad this summer. Because he became non-responsive, I had to make the decision as to feeding tube: yes or no.
Based on his doctor’s recommendation, I said no, and dad died a week later. Although in my head knows that I took the right course of action, my heart still hurts. My heart questions if I could have/should have done more and/or something different.
So, Jen, I empathize with you.
It will get better, or so I’m told.
my best to you,
Annie
all i can say is that i am so sorry…
Honey, you need a therapist to work this out. Do yourself a favor, and this isn’t a negative blog comment: get a therapist.
I am a physician and I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. I am not sure if your mother’s oncologist is even reading your blog but I would like to offer some words in support of him. I am sure that your mother’s doctpr provided her with the best evidence based care. Pancreatic cancer is often detected late and thus is often incurable. This not the physician’s fault. It is easy to blame the oncologist. He works hard, has many sleepless nights, he also has a family, he also has a life., he also has other very sick patients who have devoted family members such as yourself, so GIVE HIM A BREAK.
I admit he should have called her but if your mother was at home or in hospice care then often oncologists don’t do home visits. Hospice facilities usually have their own doctors. Maybe your mother’s physician might not have been as involved with her towards the end as you would have liked him to be but he was your mother’s doctor not yours. She obviously was very pleased with his care judging from the fact she wrote him a long letter.
Oncologists are NOT cowards. They are the bravest doctors I know. They deal with death more often that other specialties. Why would he be afraid to deal with her death?
Why should he be sorry to think he could save her? Isn’t that what physicians do? We want the best for our patients and that might also mean fighting the cancer.
He should have been honest with her and her family about the prognosis but maybe he thought it the prognosis was better when your mother was first diagnosed.
Being confrontational NEVER works. I’m sure your mother’s physician tried to beat her cancer with the best of his knowledge and capabilities but like I mentioned before pancreatic cancer is one of the most egregious cancers. It is almost undefeatable. It is important for doctors to respect, be compassionate and empathic to our patients and their families and again I am very sorry for your loss.
yeah get a therapist. You obviously are having trouble dealing with your grief. Blaming the doc doesn’t help.
I agree with Stacey. Tell the doctor how you feel. He probably needs to hear it, Jennifer.
Help him to be a better doctor to someone that is needing it.
jen, what you write is totally true. the thing we all forget as caregivers is that all docs are human and go thru the same fears, insecurities and, despite what we think, have feelings also. And oncology is the hardest speciality to go in. It’s very hard watching people die day after day after day that in order to protect themselves, they MUST put up a wall and that can and usually is perceived as being cold, cowardly and mean. It’s self-protection. That being said, I do not like being lied to by anyone, but especially a doctor. Say it like it is because that we can deal with. It’s the not-knowing that’s the hardest and the being fed false hope. I do agree with Maria and think going to a shrink and venting all this out will help you. Don’t get us wrong, we are more than happy to respond to your blogs and feel we are helping in some cyper-way, but a trained professional can help. I would be surprised to hear you are not going tho. You seem like the type of person to face your problems head-on and not dilly dally around. And, for your own health and well-being, it is not healthy to keep reliving it in your head. You are affecting yourself on a cellular level and that alone can make you sick, weaken your immune system and on and on. But, as my shrink told me years ago when I couldn’t face the truth about something “The only way out is through.” so these feelings you are having is something you have to go through in order to get over it. And that is the truth in a nushell.
Jennifer, although I completely understand your frustration having gone through similar experiences with both of my parents I think you are expecting too much out of the doctor. From an outside view it seems like he didn’t want to shut out any glimmer of hope you may have had. It is rare that the dr. would be so blunt as to say there was no hope and for you to give up. It is not part of their bedside manner or the way they are trained in school to handle these situations. Above all, doctors are humans just like you. They can’t predict everything and control everything that happens to a patient. As for visiting your Mom I think it is pretty rare for that to happen. He is a physician and not a family friend. I know this may hurt to hear all of these comments but you will get through it. It sounds to me like you are in your angry phase and this too will pass. Bereavement counseling really did wonders for me!
You really need to get over yourself.
Your last line says “and i don’t know how to deal with that.” I think you just did, and that is a good thing. You are venting and getting the anger out of your system. It’s a healthy step in the path to your healing.
I was going to refrain from weighing in on all the “get a therapist” types and the various others whose lack of compassion and understanding is simply mind boggling. But Susan, really? Do you really think that your snarky comment is of any help to anyone other than your hateful soul? Are you so empty in your heart? Apparently your head is vacant.
Yes, Jennifer: get some professional help. Doctors aren’t Gods. Please, do yourself a favor. Oh, and “Nasus” we speak the truth. Does enabling this behavior for her really help?
Jenn,
During the advanced stages of my father’s pancreatic cancer, he could not keep a thing down either. It broke my heart when he would eat something then immediately afterwards go to the bathroom to vomit everything back up! For a physician to make a comment like that is totally heartless and uncalled for! This guy is a shmendrek!!
And as for Susan for posting that insensitive post – “go shtup yourself!” Enough said!
To the “Doctor”…
I’m incensed by your response. A doctor coming forward, pating the back of ANOTHER doctor for a job well done. There are doctors who don’t know a thing about peoples emotions and should be working in a lab…Bunny’s oncologist should be working in a lab. Bunnny wrote the letter AFTER her tumor shrunk. Bunny wasn’t a doctor — seeing the tumor shrink makes one BELIEVE the therapy is working, when in reality it’s not making them better, it’s just giving them more time. An oncologist KNOWS this disease, inside out, and knows it’s incurable. WHY did he give false hope? Why didn’t he come to the OTHER hospital and see his patient,or pick up the phone and call her — or at least, have his office call, or send a note, send flowers. Say SOMETHING!I’m POSITIVE he had time to deposit his paychecks. Physicians, foremost, need to be upfront and HONEST with their patients and their families.
(((Jennifer))) you don’t need to pay a therapist — you have US! You’re in my prayers.
Much Love,
Dresden
I think it is great that you are letting this out. I do however, think that you should talk to someone and talk to him. Wether it be in a letter or an e-mail or in person. You should let him you that you were not happy with how he treated yours mother. I hope that will make you feel better.
Even though it’s true that Oncology is by far one of the hardest medical professions, and yes, they see the worst, have their own lives etc., you still deserved more respect than you got. I’ve been lucky enough to have a doctor who is amazing, and he deals with women’s reproductive cancers, so that includes ovarian, etc. He treats his patients with respect, and with empathy. You should expect no less than that. To quote the head of his nursing staff, “You call us anytime, that’s why we’re here, and that’s why he makes the big bucks.” In my opinion, he earns it all. If an Oncologist can’t handle being empathetic, then he needs to move to another specialty. You have every right to be upset. Maybe it would help to speak to someone about everything, but for now I think you’re still going through what most do…you’re just being honest about it. It might help you feel a little better though, speaking to someone who has a view from the outside.
Take Care.
OK OK, Uri, “WE” speak the truth?!? Who appointed YOU the royal teller of truths? YOU speak the “truth” as YOU see it, you speak your truth. You certainly do not speak for anyone other than yourself.
Unfortunately I believe the entire health profession is basically a business like any other and they are in it to make the most amount of money they possibly can. Just like any other. They don’t care about the individuals. They don’t listen. They aren’t a super being and want to right the world. They want to make a lot of money and gain recognition, validation etc. I wonder what they do when they are sick? They don’t hold all the answers – if any. Research and alternative medicine is your best bet – but that’s not something they would recommend because once you are well – they can’t make anymore money from you. Pharmaceutcal companies would be devastated. Doctors push drugs, surgeries, tests from one reason – to make money. They get perks from their sales reps for pushing certain drugs. Drugs with side effects worse than the condition likely. They can bill the government & insurance companies all they want. It’s a license to print money! Healthcare is big business and unfortunately we have given them our faith and belief and it only fuels their cause. Alternative methods are looked upon as crazy – witch craft! If there was something out there to help, my doctor would tell me – no, he wouldn’t. He doesn’t make a dime by doing so. Their may be help in the healthcare system, but their is no healing. You have every right to be angry and sad. You witnessed someone you love dearly believe in a system that you believed would help her go through a living nightmare. How very frustrated you must be. I hope you see today for what it is and just take it, one moment at a time. It all goes by so fast. But, with a healthy happy mind, a healthy soul will not be far behind. Focus on today, this moment only, because really, that’s all we have. My thoughts are with you.
Hi Jennifer, I have to say I have been in a similar situation with my grandmother…her original dr. told her that she was suffering from osteoperiosis, and it turned out that she was really suffering from mulitple myaloma, and the cancer was eating away at a vertebre and that is what was casuing her so much back pain! It is very hard to trust drs sometimes, and truly feel your pain! I think if someone is speaking out, it is up to the drs to listen and help their patients….hello isn’t that what they are supposed to do??? But they truly can’t help sometimes, and it has taken me a while to see both sides,and to accept that.
A book that really helped me is “On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss”Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I found it to be very helpful when my father died suddenly, and then when I lost my grandmother to her battle….One of the main things to do is to talk as much as you need to and to get the feelings out, have a good support system and express whatever you need to express.
Hang in there…you are an amazing person and trust me you will get thru this.
And to the others who are saying negative things, go eff yourself….this is her blog and she can say whatever she wants, if you could only see that she is trying to make sense of it, and that is her therepy! If you are looking for a happy monday then start your own blog and fill it with rainbows, unicorns and shit….I am with Nasus on this one!!! Who the hell are you to judge, clearly you just mean spirited!
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.
You are dealing with a person (the doctor) who will have a career of at least 20 years of seeing their patients die and their families suffer. Not pleasant. Some act that way as their defense mechanism in order to keep doing their job and saving what people they can.
They aren’t in the family comforting business. They are just trying to manage their patients, sometimes successfully and sometimes fighting losing battles.
It’s bad when you are the family and are in the middle.
Get over with it!!! You can’t blame dr, if person came with short life on this earth.
PS: you were cleaning attic…isn’t it? and thats what is in your mind?? Thats what tells about your mind and thoughts.
Don’t be mad at him-be mad at yourself for buying into his bullshit.
Cancer is big business.
Good job Jen! Get it out! I’ll listen! Good for you. You need to and this shows you – you are now starting to deal with it. You are starting to heal. Things will never be exactly the same but they will get better.
OUCH! That hurt! I think I just got b*tch slapped by Nick!!!
Hi Jennifer – I’m glad you wrote this, and let it out…sometimes that can help heal us.
To the doctor who posted and others who defend Bunny’s doctor, I understand your point of view. I truly do. But, it’s complete ignorance to think that ALL doctors fall into the category of “knowing what’s best” and “having to put up walls” etc… They aren’t perfect by any means, and they can’t predict the future. BUT, they can be willing to re-examine a situation or put their book smarts to the side from time to time and really listen to the patient. I know it’s SHOCKING but at times a patient does know more about her own body than the doctor and they must listen.
Jennifer, I hope you will continue to work this out with your family and slowly start to feel better. Take care.
Oh Jennifer!! I was having the same thoughts, the same feelings about my grandmother’s doctor — but everyone around me thought I was an ungrateful wacko. You’re so articulate and thoughtful. We aren’t living our lives feeling entitled to be free of distress or sadness. It’s just that it piles pain upon pain to have an asshole doctor with no compassion, who takes no responsibility.
xoxo
I think doctors need to be reminded that what they experience everyday is not what we experience everyday. Even the “best” oncologist in the world will see an enormous number of their patients die. You will only have one mother die. He knows what to expect and forgets that you cannot in your worst nightmares know what to expect. They need to be reminded, by people like you, that each patient they lose is their patient, but is also the most important person in the world to someone else.
Susan…FUCK YOU!!!!!! Jennnifer I would ask for your mothers records and consult an attorney. At least scare the shit out of that asshole. I feel so much for you, you can’t even imagine and I don’t even know you. Amy
those who are posting negative comments are missing the point. jennifer didn’t BLAME her mother’s doctor for her mother’s illness or death, she BLAMED him for lack of compassion and for dropping the ball. from reading what jennifer wrote, it seems her mother’s doctor was around when things were good but when Bunny got really sick, he disappeared or even worse, was condescending. telling the family that if she ate some more she’d be fine??????
no, he did not have to visit, but he should have seen her care through the end and treated Bunny with compassion.
additionally, to “doctor” Bunny sent the letter about this doctor’s care early on in the treatment before he stopped being adequately involved. and you wrote “GIVE HIM A BREAK” because he works hard and has a family and a life. does that mean his patients and their families should let him off the hook for dropping the ball and lacking compassion?
We get that you’re grieving, but don’t you think it’s time to start doing it a bit more privately?
Jennifer,
I went through the same thing with my Mom’s oncologist. I really think it comes down to one thing, they don’t want to admit defeat. I think the vast majority of families would rather be told the truth by the doctor rather than some fairy tale. Send the guy a letter so maybe he can change tactics for the next family. Everything you are feeling is OK, ignore the naysayers here if they don’t like it they don’t need to read your blog.
in my experience, doctor’s don’t give symphaty… nurses do…
I saw your Facebook note. Don’t be sorry about writing the blog. You need to let these feelings out and they are valid. Anyone who has any decency will respect that. Those that don’t aren’t worth your time.
Jennifer I so understand your feelings with the doctor and the cancer. only someone who has loved and lost someone that they loved so deeply can understand your feelings.My heart goes out to you because I have been where you are but you will get better just keep looking out for the things that make you laugh it will help.
Docs are threatened with lawsuits all the time, many times by very stupid patients who were non-compliant in their own treatment. The docs are not scared. If Bunny’s doc treated her in what was considered generally accepted standard of care, then there is no standing for malpractice, & a suit won’t even see the light of day. If he FAILED to diagnose it, and it caused lots of other problems, then…. talk to the lawyers. Jen’s an attorney… she probably knows what can or can’t be done legally. Right now, pancreatic cancer is a death sentence… it’s the harsh reality of that diagnosis, and it sucks!
Applauding you for your bold post. Helping other families know how/when to question, etc is certainly brave (perhaps not the most popular with the fans apparently – wow with the comments!) A lesson for all of us concerning those in practice, that often the credientials do not define the character.
In Texas, what that doctor did would be considered below the standard of care and certainly outside his code of ethics. ‘First, do no harm’…
I agree with Joey Andy’s post and would like to add my own observations… I think what Jennifer is most angry about is the doctor’s lack of honesty regarding how much time they had left with Bunny. Perhaps if he had said: “Mrs. Koppelman’s type of pancreatic cancer is very agressive. It is metastasizing at such an alarming rate that we can no longer keep up with it. We have tried everything we could possibly try and it’s nobody’s fault… Barring a miracle cure, Mrs. Koppelman has 2 weeks to live (maybe more, maybe less). It is my medical opinion that we stop all treatment and place her in hospice care to manage her pain. Because cancer is so unpredictable, NOW would be a good time to prepare yourself for her passing; NOW would be a good time to say your goodbyes.” p.s. Did I get it right, Jenny?
Jennifer, I get sad when I read this, since I too have been through the same with my Mom when she passed from leukemia, at a very young 51. I never met her doctor but I know I wished he would have treated her more aggressively. At 51 she was told she was too old for a bone marrow transplant this was in 1991. I know a few people who have survived with a bone marrow transplant who are well over 50, but years have passed so I guess treatment is better now. I totally get what you say about the lack of compassion, they make a diagnosis then seem to never do more than that. Another note: A week or two ago when you said Keith’s mom who is sick and you didn’t know if it was normal to not want to go to the hospital. I can relate to that. After my Mom, I hated doctors & hospitals! In fact I still do. 7 years went by and my FIL went in for triple by pass and suffered a stroke! He was in hospital for months, I went once in awhile, but I could not bring myself to go, bringing back old memories, not that I did not care or support my hubby. It just bothered me a great deal, I tried to go once a week, but could not bring myself to go every day. My hubby understood, at least I hope he did. Good outcome, my FIL recovered and got his speech and walking back. So it is normal to feel the way you do about visiting your MIL. I pray your MIL gets better.
Jennifer-
My father died in April and I understand what you are feeling right now about the DR.
We were very fortunate that in the end like you we had a group of dr’s that told us exactly what was going on and what to expect when my dad suddenly ended up in the ICU and died. His Dr. he had seen for 40+ years did my father such a disservice to our family by not even coming by to see him or us while he was in the hospital for 11 days. My parents trusted him and did exactly what he was told but ended up dying because of his terrible care. You would think that after that long of care by him and the fact he was hired by my grandfather who was also a Dr. he would have the decency to contact our family.
He is a coward and so is your mothers oncologist!
I am so sorry about your mom and understand how sad you are. I know my dad and your mom don’t want us to go on being so angry with the Dr.’s. So get mad, talk about it and do what you have to do to move on. I feel like I have done this and do feel much better and I know you will as well. grief is a funny thing and anger is part of it but don’t let it define you.
Jenn, I’m sorry you are still having these horrible feelings. I know it was really a bad situation but you need to let this anger go, carrying this is hot healthy for you. This a hole Dr. was probably dealing with your mom’s situtation as best as he knew how. Let it go and move on. I’m sure he feels terribel losing to this horrible disease every day and that’s punishment enough!
Jennifer, I am sorry you are going thru this and I hope it helps to share your feelings.
Jen, my brother did this some thing when my father died. He is still angry today and all of his family has to “deal” with his anger. The sad thing is, my father died over 10 years ago and my brother’s family is falling apart because of his anger. You have to let it go, your mother cannot be saved–your husband and children can!! No one in your family will tell you this because they love you, but as someone watching my own brother struggle with this for a decade-PLEASE GET HELP!!
This is Jennifer’s sounding board…let her vent..for God sakes!!! SHE is the one who went through this part of her life…let her tell it like it was …for her. Anyone who has been to this hell and back, has a different story. THIS IS JENNIFER’S. We love you.
Dear Jennifer,
I hope you read this because I understand your hurt. I have gone through a similar nightmare with doctors. You can’t deal with it, you can NEVER get over it, you can’t let it go and shame on anyone who tells you that! Compassion is missing in modern medicine and that is wrong and painful. (I’m married to a doctor so I know what I’m talking about.) You are rightfully angry and feelings are never wrong. God bless you.
I zipped to the bottom of these posts, so I hope Im not repeating what others said. I am so sorry that a dr did this to your family. Sometimes we just need the truth, as hard as it might be to handle.
My family is somewhat on the other side of a situation like this. A family member has cancer, and his oncologist seemed to give up on him. We were told “we just want to keep him out of pain”. . And so they gave him so much med that he didnt know who he was, who we were, or what was going on around him. They told us to decide what we wanted as far as recessitation. Meanwhile he had an infection raging through his body that was not being taken care of. They then (mostly because we wanted him transfered) sent him to another hospital with so much meds in his body that he and the new drs had no idea what was going on. Thankfully his new drs started from scratch with his meds. They also did operate on him to remove the infected organ (and yes it is one we can live without). Within 3 days he was a totally different person. Eating up a storm and gaining back some of the approx. 70 lbs he’d lost at the other hospital. They now have told him he needs to gain weight and get strong so he can go home. Dont ge me wrong, he still has cancer,and his oncologist has has kept him with us for over 10 yrs. But this time I feel like the threw in the towel when there was no reason to.
Basically, I’m saying that sometimes I believe Drs think they are infallible, and whatever they say is what will happen. Its not always true. They need to understand that they are HUMAN and they can make mistakes, and can be WRONG(OMG they can???)
Again, Jennifer, I’m so sorry you and your family have had to deal with this. But I’m glad you were able to get it out, somewhat.
8 years ago, the same thing happened with my grandfather. He had put so much faith in his dr. and the rest of my family went along with it-even tho we were skeptical. That was 8 years ago, we all regret it to this day and wish we had the courage to stand up and do something. I am still waiting for the anger and disappointment to go away. I am not trying to be a pessimist, but I share in your outrage
You are dealing with the anger, Jennifer, just by writing the blog and getting it out. You have every right to be angry and hurt and doctors can be assholes like everyone else. I appreciate your comments because I too had a parent die while under the care of an incompetent oncologist. Thanks for your honesty.
I am sorry your mother suffered. I am sorry your mother died. ‘Im sorry you were not comforted in your hour of need. I know it must be difficult approaching the holidays without your mom. But She taught you what and how a Koppelman celebrates. Take the lessons you learned and celebrate life your life and the memories the happy memories you have of your mother. You need to be strong for your children. You don’t want to scare them or make them sad . Talk to your rabbi he can help you don’t you think. How is Keith doing. Tell Keith how much you love him I think that would help .
Hi Jennifer –
I wish there was a way for me to contact you directly. Mom mom also died of PC, she was only 65. I understand what you are going through and would love to be able to talk to you. One idea to do something positive about the bad doc – would be to contact pancan – talk to someone there who puts out a list of docs to patients and at least tell them of your experience. Maybe the won’t recommend him and thus you will be helping someone else out. Hang in there – I can tell you it does not really get easier – it kind of gets less raw though and believe me if I can make it so can you.
Not only do I think your mother’s first oncologist deserves a letter from you but I also think the administrator’s of the hospital need to hear from you, as well. I am so impressed with the way you express yourself I wouldn’t suggest what you should or shouldn’t say because you write so well. In time, I also hope you write to “Dr. Death”.
My wish for you is that by using this tremendous talent of yours (writing) you will gain some peace of mind.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. But your post made me wonder why people expect doctors to be gods, infallible, always right, never unsure, able to work miracles. It seems like part of why you are angry is because you expected the doctor to save your mom’s life, and he didn’t. You expected him to keep her here with you, no matter what god or fate or whatever had planned for her. Can you see that your expectations were unrealistic? And the other part of why you are enraged is that the doctor didn’t treat your mom with respect and dignity. Although it surely seems that he could have show a little more care for your mom, I suggest that you also try to understand that doctors – oncologists especially – face more bad outcomes than good. Most of their patients die, no matter how good of a doctor they are and how hard they try to save them. Because of this, can you see that remaining somewhat unattached, emotionally, to their patients is a requirement of their job? Imagine deeply caring for or even loving each and every patient…and watching most of them die. How difficult that must be, to see the people you care for die and die and die and die. I don’t mean to deny you the right to be furious – your mom is gone too soon and that gives you every right to be madder than mad. It just seems to me like you are placing blame on the doctor, when, truly, there is no one to rightfully blame at all.
Be Careful…Whats there to be careful about. Anyone has the right to get their medical records and read them. Jennifer does not need to have an attorne to do this. The Executrix of her estate can request it. Yes you are right that pancreatic cancer can be called a death sentence but so can being HIV +. And just so you know if a MD is quesioned about the care and diagnois of a pt. they are scarred. Give Jennifer a break her mother is dead and that in itself is terrible. She has the right to grieve as long as she wants. And by the way the Holidays are the worse. Amy
OMGoodness. Jennifer….This is therapy….You don’t need a therapist….I buried a child…and I just lost my precious dad three weeks ago. Purging your thoughts, anger, saddness,
are all very good for your soul. Your mom was very young with still so much to do….
You are in a normal stage of asking what more could you have done…..a bit of backwards guilt. Losing and Aunt to pancreatic cancer, it is bizarre how fast the last days come from what seemed ok…. And only those that have been there know that horrible withering end.
The doctor was wrong to tell your mom to eat. She could not eat….he tried, he was wrong, but understand that he now has to deal with that loss as well. He failed….maybe he will learn something…
Cry, yell, shriek, laugh, and then…and only then will your heart heal….I promise…the vice gip lessens, and it does get better. Never the same, but better….This I know for sure.
Peace.
he shouldve been more forthright. and he should have seen her through to the end. when it got ugly, he was gone. that’s the reality and that just seems wrong. i know he gave adequate medical care…correct medication etc.- he did what he could do and i certainly DON’T BLAME him for my mother’s dying, but he lacked grace. ultimately. and in times like that, isn’t that all we have to give?
Pssst . . . those of you who are telling Jennifer to stop blogging about her mother’s death – here’s a hint. STOP READING IT.
You ARE dealing with it, Jennifer. Writing/talking about it, just living every day. That’s dealing with it. “Dealing” is hard.
My mom’s oncologist cried to me on the phone after my mom died. SHe couldn’t believe it happened so fast. My mother’s surgeon revealed to me he didn’t know WHAT happened. And you know what? I was so glad they acted like humans. I imagine some people would’ve said “AHA! Now I can sue!” but I ended up feeling that these professionals, who deal with death every day in some form, tried their hardest and the cancer was bigger than them and they admitted it. I respect them so much because of that.
Losing a parent, or anyone we love, sucks. No one ever promises forever. Please be so very thankful you and the rest of the world had your mom for so long.
I lost my mom when I was 29, yeah, it sucked. Lost a friend this year, she was 50, her youngest is 14–I had my mom an extra 15 years! But then think of someone who’s mother died when he was 19 MONTHS old. Please keep it in perspective, you have great memories. I know this doesn’t help, I know you are mad as hell, sad, feel cheated, disappointed, lied to, etc. Bottom line pancreatic cancer sucks, it’s discovered usually when it’s very advanced and mortality rates at five years are one percent. I wish your mom was that one percent.
Sweet sweet Jennifer I hope every new day will bring you closer to peace and comfort.
I know what you are going through, but if you believe in life after death, you will get through this life, you have to for the sake of your children. It is indeed painful and these years will be sad and you are right to feel as you do. But you have to make the best of it for your children. I have you in my prayers.
Hi Jennifer, I agree with all those who think you should at least send that doctor a letter about how you feel. Maybe it could at least be a wake-up call for him. He needs to hear it. My Mom had a similar experience. She had Stage 4 Hodgkins Disease and was given valiums by our “family” dr because “it was on in her head”. By the time she went to a real dr it was too late.I never told the first dr how I felt since my moronic family kept going to him!!! Love ya!!!
1. I meant one should be careful in encouraging threats to others. Yes, everyone is entitled to their medical records. But, to just acquire them to give the impression that one is going to sue, and the only reason is you want to get back at the jerk for being an ungracious ass, it’s just not prudent. And p.s., most people have no idea whether their own doctors have been sued for alleged malpractice.
2. Being HIV + is not a death sentence!!! Do not reinforce that stigma. It’s a death sentence if you let it be such. It is a serious CHRONIC illness, and rates of survival and living a relatively healthful life have increased dramatically over the past 25+ years, especially for individuals that participate and take some responsibility for maintaining his/her health. Many compliant individuals are now LIVING with HIV+ status for 25 years. Individuals with pancreatic cancer are barely living 6 months or longer after initial dx, even with the very best care available.
Don’t be so angery, I think your mom would be sad if she knew she casued you so much anger…remember her in good times:)
Wow Jennifer…that just sounds like a nightmare to have gone thru. And some doctors get it…and some don’t. I kind of know what you’re going thru, and even though it’s on a much different level…I HATED my dog’s vet, when he made me spend thousands of dollars on a nasty surgery, which kept my dog away from home for a week…and did absolutely nothing to save his life….and when I had to put him down…no note, no call, no nothing from the vet…. Hang in there, it’s totally fine to be pissed.
PS Hope your cold’s better. Matt
Jennifer, You are angry…angry at the cancer that took your mother from you. The doctor did what he could. He is not God. It seems to me that you are looking for someone to blame for you pain. No one is at fault for the pain you feel. Cancer is at fault. In all honesty, it should not have mattered how much time your mom had left. You should treat others each time you are with them as if it is the last time you will see them. Rather than waste your energy being angry at those who tried to care for Bunny, why don’t you bottle that energy up and DO SOMETHING POSITIVE with it?!? Use your celebrity for something other than wailing about how unfairly life treated you. Yes, I am sorry you lost your mom, but we all eventually lose someone we love. It doesn’t always happen in a way that suits our expectations. It’s a total loss of control over a situation. Again, I challenge you to stop looking to blame the doctors for your pain. Take your anger and use it for good! Honor your mother’s memory by helping others so that they don’t have to suffer as she did!
In light of this post, I hope you have personally expressed your gratitude to “Dr. Death.” I also suggest you explore grief support groups in your area. I am sure “Dr. Death” or her staff could suggest one.
Can you think of a more difficult profession than oncology? Tell your patient it’s hopeless…they will look for someone who offers hope. That physician tells the patient there may be more time/hope…and there is anger when the time is less than expected. Everyday the oncologist is dealing with death or near death or a high probability of death.Pancreatic cancer is a death sentence. Be angry, sad, etc that Bunny is gone. Don’t waste a precious moment more of your life being angry at someone who offered you hope when that is what you sought…even though it turned out to be false hope. Don’t give yourself a reason to dwell on this. Put death behind and live. PS Both my parents died from different forms of cancer.
Are his initials MS ?
My heart goes out to you. This is so very sad. Am sorry you have some people writing like Susan telling you to get over yourself. I have a sister who speaks to me like that whenever I reveal my feelings, which is why they are mostly bottled up and I admire to so much for revealing yourself.
Jennifer – my thoughts and prayers are with you in your grieving journey. I do think that with you writing this, in some strange way, will definately not only help you, but help others perhaps going through something similiar right now, as well. So that you can feel good about. I have never lost a close family member (miracle), but I can only imagine that I would react in the same way you have – with alot of passion, and alot of hurt. You`ll get through it, you are super strong and have a great sense of humor.
god bless,
Hi Jennifer. I’m so sorry. I hear your pain- I know your pain.
My mother is gone almost 2 years now. Lung cancer. Say what you have to say, savor all of it- then try to let it go. It has taken me until this past summer to feel maybe normal. Normal for me is not feeling like those poor people in a cimbalta commercial. I know that look too.
Find your joy everyday- honor your mother. Look for feelings of gratitude and embrace them.
I am so sorry Jen. Just so sorry. I have no words. I’m just sorry.
I experienced all the same things when my mother had cancer. I work in a hospital and these docs ARE mad scientists and business men and women without compassion. I had a list a mile long of complaints throughout my mother’s illness from lack of respect and compassion from her attending, the cold, unsympathetic manner of the oncologists, the mistakes they made, the noncompliance with my requests about how much info they gave my mother, etc. I had some knowledge of the hospital and medical issues. After she died, I intended to write the hospital with all my complaints. Each night I would lie in bed and go over everything in my mind over and over and over again. Until one day, I just found myself thinking “I just cannot do this anymore.” I never did write the letter – so long and complex I never found the time – daily life gets in the way. And it really would not have done any good. They just don’t care. I had legitimate issues while she was sick and expressed them once or twice, and knew I was right and that they had made mistakes, and not once did anyone of them admit it, let alone apologize. Your opinion, anger, feelings about your mother’s situation are legitimate and, I believe, common. We are at their mercy and its frightening, but it is the reality. You will probably dwell on this stuff for a long time, Jennifer, but eventually you will get sick of it and stop. I do believe that is how we get through a lot of life’s most devastating experiences and it is part of how we heal. I do feel for you and understand completely how you feel.
Susan & “getting nowhere” go eff yourselves you insensitive fucks. And “getting nowhere”…nice name.
Christina, who do you think you are to tell Jennifer to greive privately. It’s her blog!
Jennifer, hang in there. I’m sorry you’re in pain.
and he was very compassionate. He never would have done thins, He actually visited patients at HOME sometimes, and told them the truth and kept them informed and honestly when it was time to be out of pain he did that well too. He even told them ways to end it if they ever asked him.
He was a not so great father, but a great doctor.
He died of Cancer.
Liz In Oregon
PS
Your photo on facebook is absolutely gorgeous!!!
What a blog!!! Love you Jen
Jenn, That was an incrediblely brave thing to write on your blog, and I am proud of you for being so brave to put it out there to a bunch of strangers. I skimmed a little bit on the comments that have already been read and if you have the time to give my comment 2 seconds, I’d be surprised. What you are feeling is not wrong. You are going through the healing process and that is that. The blogs that you’ve been writing seem to be doing you some good. I have never been through anything that you are dealing with, but I have had my heart broken and while you never forget, time does heal. You just do what you have to do and keep moving forward. I’m sure this is not what you want to hear, but all you really can do is keep talking. It is kind of like flushing and infected wound. The scar may still remain, but the hurt and the anger will be gone or atleast bearable??? Hang in there chicky.
Jennifer, I’m appalled that some of the commenters say things like “get over it”, “grieve in private”, “don’t expect drs to be gods” etc. I think it’s great you’re expressing yourself. Don’t let others tell you it’s wrong to feel the way you do. I’d be pissed at the oncologist’s lack of compassion too.
Just want to add that your blogging comforts me in that I know I’m not the only one who had such rage over the same things, even six years later when I let myself think about it.
I am truly, very sorry for your loss. How would your Mom want you to treat her doctor? Would she want you to write him a letter? Let it go? Take out an ad in the Post? Honor her memory by stoking the Bunny fire within. I, for one, hope he reads this blog post and is shamed by his cowardice.
Jennifer,
You are using this as a sounding board, a way to grieve and heal. That is SO GOOD. For those who are unkind and say unkind things, well—-they haven’t walked in your shoes and they are just mean spirited worthless skinbags, ignore them—Karma will take care of them.
You are doing well by venting in this way, there are so many here who listen to you and truely care about you, even though they have never met you. They will help you through what is hell on earth for you. Use them as you need.
For those who are ignorant and mean, STOP, you don’t have to read these blogs, you choose to read these blogs. Get a life and quit using Jennifer to make yourselves feel a little more supreme—you aren’t, you are just worthless, souless jerks who obviously don’t understand Karma, but will when it kicks you in the ass—I really hope that it doesn’t kick you with a dose of what Jennifer and her family have gone through—though that would be true Karma………..
love to you and yours Jenny…….
I’m sorry that you are feeling bad. What is up with the nasty comments? If they don’t like the sad/angry/grieving posts – then don’t read the blog. You have every right to your feelings Jennifer! It’s only been three months and you have a lot to process. I’m so sorry that you (or anyone else) has to go through this.
Some of these comments are just unbelievable. Anyone who is grieving should be allowed to feel anyway they want. Not at all a time for judgement. My heart goes out to you, Jennifer. You lost your Mom and it sucks.
My mother died two years ago from lung cancer. Her final days were beyond horrible, for her, and for those of us who were with her. It took me a long time to get over this. There are a lot of emotions swirling in your brain at the time: “I can’t do anything to help you.” “Where is the fucking nurse with the fucking medicine” “This could be me in 40 years” I can remember calling a friend who had lost her own mother, and asking her “when am I going to stop obsessing about her death?” It subsides, but it never really goes away. Your anger is justified and just part of your grieving process. Doesn’t it suck?
Jennifer, I don’t know you (but from what I can tell from the show/your blog, you seem like an awesome lady), but if I did, I would give you a hug. I know that sounds dumb and mushy, whatever, but I’d do it anyway. I’m glad you’re able to get stuff out like this-even though they’re not happy/cheerful thoughts (who the hell is happy all the damn time anyway?), they’re your thoughts and I think it’s healing to be able to express them. You can tell there is so much anger and resentment for your mother’s oncologist, and it’s not good to bottle it up forever.
I’m hoping that my mom will get better and I’ll never have to feel this way about her oncologist.
Take care, Mrs. Koppelman Hutt.
Hi jen,
I went through the same thing. My mom died suddenly and fell over at a gift shop. She had a sudden heart attack, She was having heart burn for 2 weeks and her doctor said it was heart burn. It was not heart burn. She was having heart problems, she died 2 weeks later at a gift shop. I wanted to yell at her doctor. I was so mad. But telling him off was not going to bring her back. Believe me I was as close to my mom as you were to yours. It is the worst feeling in the world. You feel like you got shot in the heart and the stomach. you should write the doctor a letter and see how you feel. put it in a envelope and wait. If you still feel this is the only way for you to feel better and to let you pain to away, then send it. I never sent mine but I did feel like yelling at him a bunch of time. It wont bring my mom back but maybe it will give you a peace of mind to send it. Take care sweetie , things will get better as time goes on. all my love to you
daphne
Unfortunately grace is something that can’t be taught in medical school. I have never met a doctor that deals with critically ill patients that had much grace. I think it is the nature of their depressing work.
Jen-write the letter to the doctor, don’t mail it yet. Write a letter to the cancer–who really took your mom? Not the doctor but a horrible disease.
Mine would start like this….
Dear Cancer. I hate you. Yes, I know it’s a strong word, Grandma always said I didn’t hate anyone but she was wrong–I hate you for what you have done to people I love and miss every day.
Can WE be done now? I know YOU are not, but can WE? You need professional help. Shame on you for going this long feeling the way you do, without getting some type of counseling. Yes, this is your blog, however, this is also the Whatever Radio site, not Jennifer’s personal boo hoo bitch site. Blog all you want on your Facebook about your mom. Maybe you could be proactive and start a support group. Maybe you could try to help someone else who does not have the luxury of owning a computer to blog on or their own radio show to use to THEIR advantage. For Petes sake…I beg of you, start acting like a professional and get on with it! You say how strong and wonderful your mom was? I ask you, would your behavior be tolerated by her if she were alive? My guess is….NOT!
rage on!!!
You are not alone in your experience with your mother’s oncologist. He may have received a world-class education, but he will continue to suck until he masters the art of talking gently but honestly with his patients about their prognoses. Today’s Health section of the Times has two articles that speak to this phenomenon, “The Dance Before Diagnosis” and “Bad News, Delivered Badly.” I am a hospice social worker, and on countless occasions, I have started talking with people and realize that their doctors invited hospice into the conversation because they don’t have the guts or words to tell the people they have treated that they are are dying. Now I always start the conversation with, “What has your doctor told you about your condition?” Take care, Jennifer
Far be it from you to shame anyone, Oh Sooo. To quote Blake Edwards: “Shame is an unhappy emotion invented by pietists in order to exploit the human race.”
If every oncologist followed every patient through to the very end, there would be no oncologists – a sad reality of the profession.
Oh So Tired – I’ll try and write it so you can understand it.
DON’T READ THE BLOG IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.
The website is about the show – the blog is a personal blog. Both girls rant, rave, bitch and share about what is going on in their personal lives on their PERSONAL blogs. If you want to concentrate on the shows, hey, here’s an idea – click on the tab that says THE SHOWS instead of THE BLOGS. See how easy that is? But here’s a warning – Alexis and Jennifer are not robots. Their personal lives, both the good and the bad, are going to have affect the show.
I understand completely how you feel. My mother died last year after along illness.Although she lived a long life,we are never prepared when our parents die. I know I miss her everyday. I want to pick up the phone and call her. but we go on. Life gets easier and we deal with it because we have to.
I do empathize with you but… he is a doctor, a human being who whips his butt just like you and me. If he allowed himself to get emptionally involved as you say you which he did he would never be able to be a good doctor and treat patients. He would be an emotional wreak.
I feel for you. I lost my mother 10 years ago and when I think of her I still cry. It’s not fair but it is life.
amyrabuf – In tort law there is a thing called “Statute of Limitations” which simply put means that there is a time frame in which to file a suit. This time frame varies depending on the jurisdiction. Furthermore, no attorney would even consider this case if the statute has expired for he/she would/could be liable for malpractice. This is a moot point so let it go! Also, to those of you who feel the need to blast Jenny for her blog, you have the right to voice your opinion, however, you also have the right not to read it and go somewhere else! Last time I checked, the blog is entitled “RAGE!” Hmmm, what were you expecting to find here, a great cookie recipe?? That’s like opening up Nietzsche and expecting to read a romance novel! Oh, excuse me for being presumptuous of the intellect of you dissenters! RAGE on Jenny!!!!
To Oh Soooo Tired,
You certainly don’t wear jealousy very well…..
Jennifer, I understand and feel the pain from the loss of my mother too. I shook my head in sadness when i read your comment about Bunny needing to eat. The memory of being told that myself while my Mom was in the hospital battling Leukemia still brings tears to my eyes and feeling of guilt resurface all over again. In the room with my mother, telling her “you’ve got to eat, mom” or holding food up to her mouth in an overly pushy way begging her to take a bite…all because the doctor pulled me aside and told me that day that she was “going to die if she didn’t start to eat”. Then, right as I’m pushing some food toward her, she goes into Cardiac arrest. They brought her back and I said –forget it. I only want to hold her hand, look into her eyes and tell her I love her one more time. I didn’t mention food again. Looking back on that, it makes me furious. How dare they use that wording. It seems so stupid. They can keep people alive for years with feeding tubes. Where did they get that line? Well, I empathize and wish I could ease the sharp pain of this loss. The only thing that truly helped me? Time, AND i read an article that contained the story of another women dealing with loss and she shared that she had finally been able to create a picture in her mind’s eye that brought her comfort. I tried that, and it did help at times. The picture of my Mom was the one of her racked with pain, skinny from illness and gray with cancer. All I could see was her face on the hospital bead and it would just leave me broken. Then I tried to see her in a different place, doing something that she loved doing. I saw her being comforted and being held in the arms of God. I saw her snuggled up in a cozy chair wrapped in a soft blanket, reading a good book by lamplight. She loved to read! Anyway, try to visualize your mother in a loving, comforting or happy time and place. It might help. —
What is your natural hair color? It’s so pretty in the pictures, I was just wondering! Rock on sista-friend. Go for the gold.
I SOOO agree with “Oh Soooo Tired”, please move on from this Blog and keep it to your MySpace Blog. We would like humor (and maybe some baking) here…so the continuious bitching from you needs to end. (And yes, I have been through loss like this)
When my mom died the day before Christmas last year it was my brothers and sisters who helped me through the grieving process. When my dad died, (I was 17 at the time), it was my siblings who comforted my mom, and she in turn comforted us. Four years later, when my brother died at 20 in a terrible accident, we repeated the whole damn process, but this time the grief was worse, because her son preceded her in death. My point is this–as a family, we pulled together. I wonder how your father is doing, your sister and brother? Are they feeling what you feel, and are they helping you?
TO DEBBIE AND SOOO TIRED (probably the same person) Are you the one that goes from blog to blog just to stir things up? You’re not interested in Jennifer’s feelings or how she’s dealing with her mothers loss. You just like seeing people react. If this really is your personality….God help you !!!!
Debbie, If Jennifer were to stop posting/blogging here at her own web site, I’d miss her very much indeed. It’s more than a bit sad that her ability and willingness to share her feelings so bravely and eloquently, bother you so. Please don’t stop reading here. Even your intolerant comments are interesting.
You said at the end that you “don’t know how to deal with that.” I say – you don’t deal with it. Yes he is a crappy person and thinks WAY too highly of himself, but putting so much of your energy into worrying about him and how to deal with him is pointless. Better to just forget him.
Susan and “getting nowwhere”… Susan, I hope you never lose someone close to you, and more importantly, I hope nobody ever mocks your feelings. You are clearly a bitter bitch.
As far as “getting nowwhere”… first, shouldn’t there be a requirement to make sense before writing a comment? You clearly do not have grasp on the English language, let alone have the emmotional maturity necessary to empathize with someone’s pain. Asshole.
Jennifer,
Don’t worry about what those people say or think. It took me a long time to grieve when my mother passed. God Bless You.
Don’t worry so much about what other people say or think….it doesn’t matter. Some people are just pathetic losers and we just have to deal with them. I love you and Jennifer. Keep up the good work.
I just turned off your show while Alexis was reading the letter from some dying mom. Dead people and dying people are not my favorite subject so I used my option. I like you Jennifer but I kinda agree with Oh Soooo Tired.
Jennifer, Blog or talk about whatever you want, whenever you want. Dont’ worry about what others are saying. They are idiots. No matter what you do, you will never make everyone happy. You are great exactly the way you are. Thanks for the Sarah Palin tip today. How about doing Paulie’s Tip of the Day? You are great at imitating him. As a matter of fact, if you don’t imitate Paulie every day, I will be angry and send you nasty messages about why you won’t do what I want you to do. (Just kidding). Keep up the good work. You and Alexis are smart and hilarious and I look forward to listening to you both each and every day while I am at work
I listen to your show every evening driving home from work. I listen to Howard Stern every morning driving to work. On every radio show I have ever listened to, there are segments of shows that I may not be interested in for one reason or another. I turn it off for a while, and go back to it a little later. I’m sure you have done the same thing. The blogs — if I’m not interested, I don’t read them. These people who listen and read in order to harass you later don’t deserve the time you are spending on them. You are devoting all this time to these ignorant people and they are probably getting off on it. The rest of us love you — granted — maybe not every single minute of every single show — but we love you anyway.
Obama-Biden aka leo said it very well. We have death and dying all around us, so I would rather hear more positive. As far as Sue/Indiana’s comment, no, I do not go from blog to blog and write…as a matter of fact this is the first blog I have EVER commented on. And yes, you are correct, I AM NOT interested in Jennifer’s feelings or how she’s dealing with her mothers loss. I am, however, interested in the show and the idea that life goes on. Enough with the negativity!
so you can say what you want, but it just better be entertaining? these people should be ashamed.
im a mccain supporter and i still listen to your show. todays subject was depressing and i still listen to your show. go on knowing that these negative “commenters” do not represent the majority of your listening audience. i think there are comedy stations on sirius if someone wants entertainment 24/7.
Oh my! What horrible, mean, cruel comments!! What is WRONG with you? How DARE you? I am stunned by your nastiness. So not necessary. Go away. You’re pathetic. Jennifer, when you see its going to be a negative comment, stop reading. Its only been – what – maybe three months? It took me 2 to 3 years for the pain to gradually diminish. You probably don’t want to hear that, but some of us are that way. Don’t stop blogging about it and please don’t read the mean comments. Ignore them and maybe they’ll go away.
I guess I did not express myself very well. I was very upset that people were writing “get over it.” You never get over it, it just gets more tollerable or you are able to live with your loss better. I know it has happened to me. Yes HIV pt’s do live alot longer if they are compliant with their medcation regime. This may have been a bad choice to compare cancer to. And sometimes if you read someones record while they were in the hospital it helps in the grief process. It did for me. I feel that if people feel things went wrong in a hospital they have every right to question their loved ones care. I don’t know why it would be a moot point.
You are so brave for sharing your grief with us and exposing yourself to all of the feedback – both positive and negative.
I think you are helping those of us who are going/gone through similar experience with our loved ones. It makes me feel a little less lonely reading their comments.
I think Bunny would be proud.
You sound so hurt and angry. Maybe if you hit something you might feel better, perhaps “Paulie”. If he were a real friend heed let you, waile on him for a while.
Hello Jennifer ~ I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. I can’t imagine losing my mom. Even though my mom and I argue and she drives me nuts some times….I don’t know how I would go on without her. I’m sorry if this is not the form to ask you this or if this is completely out of line but, I lost my fiance to suicide a couple of weeks ago and have no idea how to move on. I know it’s completely different to lose a mom but, I thought you might have some advise as to how to get through the days when losing a loved one. I was with my fiance for 8 years, nothing near the length of time you were with your mom but, I loved him so much and we were finally going to get married and start a family. I don’t know why he took his life but, I know that I am still here and I still need to live the best life that I can. My Johnny would want that. I listen to your talk show when I’m home and have read your blogs several time. When I was having a hard time getting through the day, for some reason I thought of you and thought “I wonder how Jennifer gets through the day”. Any advise you have would be greatly appreciated.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jennifer, when I lost my Dad to a sudden heart attack when I was 18 I like you could not understand why. I now understand that God had a plan. My mom was walking back from the mailbox and as she reached the door a huge limb fell from the tree in the spot she had just passed. I know my Dad (from heaven) held that branch until my Mom was safe from harm. My daughter was in a horrible car accident involving a tractor trailer. The roof of the car was flattened yet my daughter walked away from the accident. Again I believe my Dad was there watching over her. There have been other instances when I knew Dad was there. I believe your Mom now has a new role Jennifer; your guardian angel to watch over you and your family. All things happen for a purpose.
First of all, I’m glad you and Alexis share your lives on air etc with us –thank you! Secondly, I had a similarly unpleasant experience in the final days of my Dad’s life in a hospital 1,000 miles from home. The supposedly “gifted” internist that my Dad had trust in knew we kids were waiting to discuss my dad’s condition with him for several days, and he intentionally would visit my dad, write his next orders, and leave without talking to us, and instead just have the nurses do his dirty work. The only time we saw this jerk was when he finally came in the room when we were there and had to tell us in person that he was now sending my dad to a hospice because there was nothing else to do. Maybe you want to write a letter — maybe to the doctor, or perhaps to director of the hospital he’s on the staff of. Maybe they should hear about your experience too, and perhaps more importantly, it might help you heal. It helped me.
The day befor your mother died, my mother was diagnoised with pancreatic cancer. I’ve read every blog you’ve written, espeacilly those about your mother,they’ve given me somekind of clue as to what I’ll be faceing in the coming months. My mother (known by everyone as Maw) became a diabetic in April,and if the dr. she had been going to had said, hey lets do a cat scan when my mom couldn’t control her blood sugar, they would have found the tumor in time. Instead it’s grown like a monster and wrapped it’self around her artery. We had to stop the chemo last week because it was killing her faster then the cancer. Her “Cancer dr.s ” at O.U. Medical in Oklahoma City have always said that they will go as far as she wanted to go and when she said enough then it was enough. Today she’s eating what she wants (her taste is slowly coming back), sleeps as late as she wants, stays in her pj’s all day if she wants and mostly does whatever she wants to do. We know that her time is short, less then a year. We’re hopeing that she’ll be here and well enough to enjoy Christmas and I’m planning on going completely overboard this year, because next year I know will be different.
I just wanted you to know that everything you’ve been through,everything you’ve written about has helped me prepair for a day that I don’t want to come. And I want to thank you for the courage you’ve shared with me ,thousands of miles away, a stranger shareing in the devistation of cancer.
Also I think you should send fifty pizzas to the oncologist’s office and make him pay for it. send him a singing telegrahm raveing about how much of a moron he isand then get a sack full of dog poo, set it on his front porch and light it! Nothing will make you feel better then some good old fashioned revenge! It maybe childish, but damn you’ll feel better!
Feel Better
Sarah
I am mortified our names are the same. Ever heard of Karma? I would be afraid very afraid! Yes I am talking to you my sister from another universe.
Jenn feel better my friend!
How do you feel when Alexis tells you not to cry (in front of her) on the radio? Is she leanding you strength ?
I know she’s supportive, I just am curious how this makes you feel?
Maybe things are a little more complex than the Evil Doctor vs. Dr. Death. You are probably half right; evil doctor couldn’t take it at the end, and was neglectful of her mental health care; which turns into your mental health problem. No doubt though, Evil Doctor cares, after all, it is his profession; however, if I remember correctly, he is quite young, and it takes quite awhile for all health providers to develop a way to address the failures of the medical miracles that didn’t work.
We have to ignore the people that have perfect lives, and don’t understand the helpfulness of your words for yourself and others.
Thanks for sharing; you are the queen of Brave!
I am so sorry for your loss. Having worked in healthcare as an MSW for more than 20 yrs and having a mother that also lost her battle with pancreatic cancer 2 yrs ago I can certainly relate to your experience and sentiments. Sadly, your experience with the oncologist is not terribly unusual. While there certainly are oncologists who do a beautiful job working with patients and families; who are open and honest about prognosis; and those that are compassionate and sensitive to the magnitude of this diagnosis…there are plenty (too many in my opinion) who are not. Allow yourself to mourn her loss…it’s normal, necessary and an important part of the journey.
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. I have no problem at all with your blogging or talking about your mom on the radio. I do understand that you aren’t blaming the dr.for her death, etc. and your problem is with the way he acted and what he said.
Please don’t take this as anything but supportive but truly think about this – would you really be feeling any better now if he had acted the way you think he should have. You would still be dealing with soooo much pain that I’m not sure you would be feeling much different today if he had done things differently. That still doesn’t make up for what you feel he did wrong but just another way to think about it.
I’m not saying you are looking to blame anyone or lessen your guilt but perhaps just looking for something to ease the pain a little and finding fault in someone (whether it’s correct or not) always helps one feel better. I know it does for me and I would probably be doing the same thing. Then I would realize in the big picture it really doesn’t matter what he said or didn’t say because the grief is just so strong.
You will figure out how to deal with everything in your own way and your own timeframe. I grieved for a parent over 20 yrs. ago in my own non-traditional way which nobody agreed with at the time and it worked out fine for me. I’m now 42.
the oncologist was a dick. a low class cowardly prick. wants to rest on his m.d. and his residency and loves all the bragging and attention he gets from friends and family. i bet his mother never shuts the fuck up about her son, the doctor. fuck him. Jen, you are RIGHT. Bunny and her family deserved better. he behaved despicably. the thing is, for all the book smarts, doctors are no better then car mechanics, bus drivers, or school teachers as far as brilliance and humanity. its all the same. medicine can be totally by the book. just because you did well on MCAT exams, graduate school doesnt mean you are better then anyone else, regardless of what mommy and daddy tell you. that doctor is basically a stock broker, a mortgage broker, get while the getting is good and slink away when its bad. all the while telling yourself that you did everything, that GD family just wouldnt listen.
Jennifer, your ability to share your feelings in writing and on the air is inspiring. Your own personal style both happy and sad, through the tears to the laughter today touched what’s left of my hard old heart.
My dear Jen, for the most part these comments are just unbelievable. Your experience has made me appreciate my aging parents more than ever. Every day with them (even if annoying at times) is a gift. Please remember there are those of us out here who sympathize with you and keep you in our prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. I found writing on a Cancer Survivor’s site most helpful as an outlet for my grief and loss.
I am the daughter of a doctor, a doctor who died at 59 of cancer. Initially, I was shattered with grief and loss; we were never close. I did considerable work since 1984 to come to terms with all my stuff that was involved with my reaction — which was considerable. I am so grateful I was fortunate to face my pain.
One of the things I learned in this process was that doctors are human; they are not God as I learned as a child from my dad. When they analyze medical findings upon which to base prognoses they are estimating and “guestimating.” Only God knows when we are to die.
Today, I have a realistic view of the impact doctors’ knowledge can have in partnering with ones fight to release themselves from dis-ease and overcome illness.
Doctors provide one piece of the puzzle which includes many, many pieces Western Medicine is just now beginning to value i.e. Eastern Medicine, herbs and nutrition, spirituality, exercise, friendship and apparently in the case of cancer — the willingness to fight for wellness.
I wish your experience of the doctors had been more mature and life-affirming for you. However, it seems that you have many encouraging posts here in this Blog that may help guide you to turning this experience into a valuable and important learning experience.
i am sorry for your loss jennifer. my family is going through this as we speak. my beautiful mother was diagnosed with cancer and i am afraid that the cure is going to kill her and nobody cares! i am thinking of talking to her and seeing how she feels about stopping her chemo. she is getting weaker and more frail by the day. food holds no intrest to her. but her mind is still sharp at 86 and it has to be her decision to stop the treatment. she is very weak and i really have no idea how i am going to get her to her next treatment. the hospital says to call an ambulance! i can’t even imagine it! she will freak out and become very frightened. so just be happy that your mother is out of her misery & pain and sharing her new life in heaven.
take care..and it’s not a sin to think of her every day! i just can’t imagine life without my mom..she always was my backup and biggest fan!
Just wanted to add my two cents to the “debate”. I like hearing about your feelings. Keep blogging about them, it’s helpful for me anyway….and I’m sorry you are hurting so much. Time is too short and it just sucks.
And you wonder why our country is in the crapper? The same idiots that blast Jenny for expressing herself are the same idoits that actually have the right to vote! G*d help us! As for the cowards that change their name when leaving multiple negative comments – ESAD!
RAGE ON GURLFRIEND!!!
People have a write to an opinion – if Jen blogs about her rage at everyone about her mother dying – people have a write to make a comment. PEOPLE die every day – children, young people, our soliders in Iraq – we can’t control the universe. This isn’t healthy this obsession with blame. This doctor is human – he can only do so much – if you move your mother to another hospital he can’t be expected to leave his patients, his family and come and be some place different (even if it is LI vs. NYC). You want too much from people, way too much. Be grateful you had a loving mother for as long as you had her. You were lucky.
Agree!
You are WRONG. What Jennifer is going through is all normal. It has not been very long since she lost her mother. She’s always upbeat and funny and laughing on the show, but she had a bad day lately and people like you make it worse for her. Have you ever lost a loved one? Maybe you’re just a cold fish – not everyone is like that. Oh, and its people have a “right” not “write” to an opinion.
I think Jennifer is becoming a nut case about her Moms death, she needs to talk to her rabbi, or find a grief counselor. She’s a glutton for sympathy. She’s turned this blog into a cancer support group. I used to be uplifted listening to the show, now I’m sick of this blog and hearing and reading about DEATH. Death is a part of life Jennifer, get out of YOU and go on with your life like your Mom would want you to do.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I know you are hurting. We are facing that potential my mother-in-law who has pancreatic cancer. There are no easy answers. It just hurts.
I think it’s great that you’re writing all of your feelings out in your blog. It can be very therapeutic. I know some have suggested writing a letter to the doctor, maybe you can do that to get your feelings out, but not send it.
It kills me that people are telling you to “get over it”. You don’t just get over something like this. Maybe you can heal eventually, but you don’t get over it. They’ve probably never lost someone that they truly cared about.
I listened to the show yesterday and cried with you. I can’t believe how heartless people can be and want to tear you down when you are already down. If they don’t like what you are writing they don’t have to read it. If they don’t like what you are talking about on air, they can change the channel.
I appreciate the realness. Many of us can relate to what you’ve been going through and find comfort in that we are not alone.
*hugs* to you. Keep on being you. Eff the haters.
O-B Leo, You must be a right-wing plant. It seems as if you like attaching your blather to the Obama-Biden name. Do you think people will then make bad connotations to the O-B ticket? I’ve a feeling that right-wingers have more sense and more of a heart than your dumbfoundingly mean & transparent comments would suggest.
Dear O-B Leo, I wish for you a successful Day of Atonement.
Jennifer,
I have been a listener for awhile now and have checked into your blog now and then to see how you were doing with the loss of your mom. I lost my Dad this past year to oral cancer and it was a one year painful battle. I was struck by your recent entry on your anger toward your mom’s oncologist because I felt the same way about my dad’s ENT dr. who my dad absolutely loved, and who supposedly, “loved” my dad. He gave thumbs up and gave my dad anad all of us hope. My dad followed his recommendations and treaments to the letter. We thought he walked on water. However, when things took a turn for the worse for my dad, this dr. was nowhere in sight. My dad (who couldn’t talk at this point) I’m sure was wondering where he was. It was the paliative team and then the hospice doctors and nurses (that told us the things we didn’t want to hear) that were the real heroes. We were able to finally accept and understand what was happening, and so were able to surround my Dad with love and presence and care from the moment they gave us the heads up. Those drs. who spoke honestly and openly, without any ego in the way, let us give my dad our final gifts.
It was the hospice drs. and nurses that contacted us after my dad passed, just to check in, just to say how sorry they were and to let us know that what they witnessed in our care for my dad was a beautiful giving experience that affected them as well. We never heard from the ENT dr. Shame on him.
I’m with everyone that’s been saying let it out and to hell with anyone that has a problem with what you’re saying. They can simply stop reading if it bothers them or turn off the radio if they don’t like what they’re hearing.
As far as your feelings about your mother’s oncologist – some of them definitely suck in more ways than one. We lost both of my in-laws to cancer within a three year period. My mother-in-law was first – she was diagnosed at age 62 with breast cancer and her oncologist recommended chemo and radiation. Unfortunately, I learned too late that her oncologist wasn’t up on the latest treatments and she failed to test my mother-in-law for a particular genetic mutation that might have allowed her to be treated with a new treatment (new at the time). Needless to say, she was clean for a couple of years and it came back with avengence and when it did, she was gone in less than a year. When she passed away, her first oncologist (the one that missed the boat) actually had the nerve to call the house to see how she was (it still floors me – she could have checked on her status with any number of hospital sources before calling the house). Luckily for her, I didn’t take the call – my shell-shocked father-in-law took the call and he politely said she’d passed away. What he didn’t say was that had it not been for her fuck up, she might still be with us.
Over time I’ve come to believe that doctors and oncologists in particular, develop a detachment that allows them to deal with the horrible things they have to deal with on a daily basis. But I think sometimes that armor is so thick that they fail to see reality. Maybe that detachment will fade when it’s their parent. Hopefully.
Hang in there. You’ve got lots of supporters and people that love you. You will make it through this but it just takes time and don’t let anyone tell you how you should be grieving – it’s a personal journey and to hell with anyone that takes issue with your decision to share your feelings.
These comments crack me up. Seems like the bloggers are starting a war of their own! How weird is that. I picture everyone in a room with those plastic bats hitting each other on the head.
Dearest Jennifer,
This is beautiful. Just feel the feelings honey. It’s really all you can do. Feel them and let them be there. It’s What Is. It’s the Truth for now. And by feeling them, as you are here in this blog, you will connect with the energy that they are holding. The energy that is the love you have for your mom, and ultimately for yourself. I’m with you.
Jennifer,
You know we are here to listen, and a lot of us have been there before you, and some of us will be there after you.
I am proud of your courage to speak so freely about your feelings. They are your feelings, and it does feel better to release them, how you see fit.
I have had a lot of death in my life during the last seven years: my grandmother, my husband, other close family members, and 3 very close friends.
I was re-diagnosed with cancer last November, after a 9 year remission. I have not been to a therapist as of yet. My family and friends have been my support system. I have two teen daughters, and though they are still grieving, we support each other. I try not to place on them anymore than need be. They are very strong for their ages. (14 & 12) Losing their Dad was untimely and very difficult. Now they have the prospect that I, their mother, am in a situation that could provide the same outcome. With intensive chemo and radiation, I feel I am close to remission again.
In my griveing, (death and health), I also utilize my blog and social networking to speak to others in my situation and find that helps on not so good days.
My point is this, we all grieve differently, but we all grive.
The people that post rude and snarky comments on your blog are of shallow mind and little faith. They too, will need someone at some point.
For the ones that are telling you to grieve in private, ask them to see their invitation. Did they RSVP?
muwah…
It is so sad that they don’t know how to teach compassion to these fantastic ‘doctors’. I am sorry you are still in pain, it’s good to let it out.
I think you should write a book about Bunny – maybe a collection of essays by the people whose lives she touched.
Perhaps you could include a few essays from other people who have lost their moms as well. I love it when your write about her in your blog.
I made a comment about Jennifer being a nut case. I regret that whole post and I apologize.
I remember this post from the whatever blog! Those were difficult days as they still seem to be at times & you will never forget but Jennifer you are so strong you have succeeded in the career of you choice during a time that was equally as difficult and I know your mother is their to help you every day. Do you ever get signs that she’s with you? Do you dream of her? Feel better Jenny. You posts have always been so true to your heart & feelings. I always wish you the best & if I can ever help never hesitate to ask!
Thanks Amy! You’ve watched all of it! Glad you’re still listening /watching. Appreciate it.
Great post.