we are going to my sister in law’s mother’s house (brian’s wife amy’s mom) for thanksgiving.
i know i should bake something to bring to her house, but i don’t feel like it. flame away what you want… i am selfish, not thoughtful, need to get over it, looking for sympathy, whatever you want to say. but fact is, i am not interested in baking for a holiday that feels like nothing more than a reason to cry. and in terms of sympathy, i have had all the sympathy i could use. not looking for it, just saying what i’m feeling. maybe others are going through the same thing and in some way my talking about it will make them feel less alone.
yeah, yeah. i know, it is THANKSgiving. and yeah i am giving thanks for all the good that i have- and there is plenty. PLENTY. and i am well aware that i have more than many and many have it worse than i. but that doesnt change the horrible blue feeling i am carrying everywhere i go this week. i may be a 38 year old woman but i miss my mother and when i think of her i feel like a lonely kid.
should i pretend it isn’t that way?
i am taking my sister stacy to rosie live! tomorrow night. i think it will be the laugh that we need.
and if you get a chance, tune into nightline this evening on abc (or dvr it). supposedly alexis and i will be on.
xxx
aim: whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
JKH–
I know you you feel. I lost my mother when I was 23– she was 52. It is still with me and it was 20 years ago. It’s a tough tough thing, but you will get through it. The first year is the hardest. Mother’s Day still sucks. But, I don’t know how or why— you will get through the crying and the pain and the hurt.
Not a day goes by that I don’t speak to and think of my mom. Not one day. But, life goes on and now I feel her with me and smiling and it brings me comfort, instead of sadness.
Wish I could go to Rosie with you…….HUGE fan.
hang in there.
You are a dynamic funny smart gal and your mom is watching you from heaven.
C.R.
You’re entitled to feel whatever you’re feeling…. if you’re not feeling the “baking”… F it… go to the bakery and get something. You’re upset, and its your right to be upset. YOu’re never too old to feel bad about losing a parent, and anyone who says “get over it” is a Asshole.
Jennifer take all the time you need. My god she was your mom and nothing will take that away.
Feel any way you want. It is natural to miss your mom on holidays or special days. I don’t know why people feel the need to criticize you. They are your feelings, after all. I personally enjoy have what I refer to as my own “pity party” now and then. And I haven’t had a loss.
You are being honest. For most of us, the holidays are bittersweet, thinking of those who no longer grace our tables. It helps us sympathize with others…do not feel bad for not being “into baking” you can always bring a bottle of wine or some ice cream for the kids..
Maybe for the rest of your family, pretending you aren’t sad is a good idea. Sorta faxe it til you make it mentality. Try to think of all of the Happy Thanksgivings you have had with your mom. Think back..did any funny mishaps happen? Any family members do anything scandalous? This Thanksgiving will be remembered by your kids down the road. You want it to be a good memory for them, not a bad one.
You don’t need to rationalize for others why you feel the way you do. I think your honesty, with yourself and with others, is admirable. That’s a gift to yourself and a lesson to everyone else.
It’ll be a hard day/holiday season, no doubt, and I’m sorry for your pain. But it’s Your life and Your experience, and you know what’s best for you.
I am thrilled beyond belief you will be at the Rosie show. You and she have something in common: dead moms. Cry. Laugh. Feel sorry for yourself. It’s OK. Don’t bake if you don’t feel it. Do only what you feel and most importantly: feel Bunny. Just feel her. I hope Alexis is less moody today.
Jennifer your human, you had a great relationship with your mom grieving is good, it sucks, but its good. I too talk to my mom daily, my grandma too, both died way too young, my my mother passed a few months before her 45 birthday, I was 24, my grandmother just before her 55th birthday, I was 9, I worried about 35, I will be 57 the end of Dec. and I miss these 2 terribly. I am able to keep them with me and try to give my children a since of who they were especially this time of year by trying to cook the foods they loved to cook this time of year and share those memories while making our own. It will take time but you will get there, now is the time when you should scream when your angry about it and cry when you sad and laugh when you can, and going to see Rosie live you should laugh hard, I am excited about her return can’t wait for tomorrow night.
Keep your loved ones close and embrace their love they offer at this time.
GrammaG
you can help with the dishes 😉
If you don’t feel like baking, go pick up something nice at the bakery. Just it’s because it’s Thanksgiving doesn’t mean you have to get into the holiday. Bunny would be proud of you no matter what. I am being forced to go to my husband’s parents house for the holiday from hell. I am bringing my own Martha ham, I don’t eat turkey, my own mashed potatoes, and apple pie.The sooner we can get out of there the better! Looking forward to the marathon!
Yes you should “pretend it isn’t that way” to some extent for the sake of you children.
Jenn…totally get how you feel..first thanksgiving without my mom too…she passed away from pc as well…in March…
I intend on drinking lots of wine ….
Do not let anyone try to tell you to “feel thankful” or talk about how you “have more” than others. That has nothing to do with the very real and prevalent emotion that you MISS YOUR MOM ON THANKSGIVING. Period. You have many happy memories of holidays past with her and this is gonna hurt. No way around it. Here’s the thing. Bunny lives inside of you now. And her voice guides you and everything you do. And her kindness, spirit and incomparable class are now a part of you in everything you do. Give in and let her spirit guide you through the holiday as only she could. Let her light shine through you this holiday. I guarantee you will feel better.
Jennifer,
DO NOT PRETEND as “just fake it” suggested!! Feel how you feel, cry if you want too–hold your kids as you cry let them know it’s ok to feel sad about your mother because chances are they too feel sad and are more than likely trying to hide it for your sake kids are wiser than they are given credit for sometime. These feelings you are feeling are natural, all “firsts” after a death are the hardest go ahead and grieve it’s OK!!! As time goes on you will see that life will become “normal” again it will never be the same but you will adapt to the empty place left by your mom.
It’s okay for you to feel this way, the holidays are not going to be the same for you right now. Do the best you can and what ever you feel like doing…go to the bakery and get some pies and there they have it! It’s okay and you are allowed. You also may want to have a drink or two…
Looking forward to seeing you both on Nightline!
You shouldnt pretend that you are feeling any differently than you are. I think surpressing feelings makes it worse. Today is the two year anniversary of my Grandmother’s death. I tell her I miss her and say a prayer that she is peaceful.
I would expect you to feel lonely since you dont have your mother with you now. One thing I believe is that when you think of them a LOT, that they are there with you because they know you are sad……
Enjoy the day with your family and laugh ot loyd at Rosie’s show!!
Maybe your friend Alexis can making something for you 🙂 Or grab a few Martha Stewart pies from Costco. I tried the Slab Pie and it was delish. Or just bring yourself, that is what your family really wants to see anyway.
R.I. P. 7/8/08. The world misses you.
Jennifer
I know the day will be hard to get through but maybe you could approach it the way bunny might have. she seemed to have the knack for doing or saying just the right thing. Let the word know that Bunny raised her girls right!
Why don’t you send flowers two baskets or fruit or wine a case of wine or champagne
a story in an LA paper about the protests over paper bag fringed vests and construction paper feathers and black hats with buckles yep you guessed it elementary school children and their politically incorrect costumes Dehumanizing it is called what about Role Playing what about make believe but oh no a History professor nose is out of joint speaking of that where is the PEACE PIPE
hi,
I’m 34 my mom died when i was 12 and I still feel like that a lot. Makes one feel abandoned no matter what age.
that pain never leaves. sometimes it helps push us and feeds our creativity but if you aren’t feelin it, you aren’t feelin it.
rosie live may be really good.
I lost my mother when I was young, only 25(I’m 38 now) and I miss her every single holiday. I too talk to her and my dad (who passed away when I was 26) EVERY day. I know that they still guide me and help me raise my 2 sons. My least favorite days are Christmas when she always got me the most current perfume and on my birthday. She always made them special days. You will get over this I promise, but it takes time, so please let it take the time it needs to. Don’t let other people make you feel like you dont’ deserve this time of healing, YOU DO!!!! God Bless you and your family this holiday season.
Jennifer I really am a fan and I love you but…….you really need therapy. She is not coming back and you have to accept that to move on. Your Mother would want you to live life to its fullest.
I was so glad to read your post today. I’ve been feeling much the same this week. It seems like a chore to get myself ready to drive to be with my family for the long weekend. You see, I lost my grandmother in August and like your mom, she was the most important person in my life. I was lucky to be 35-years-old and still have my grandmother by my side. I hope that the emptiness fades with time. I have great memories, yes. But sometimes I want to lie down and cry my eyes out. Be good to yourself.
Jesus H. Christ, she’s grieving for crying out loud. Have a heart!
Jesus F’ing Christ NOLA, how totally clueless and out of touch can you possibly be?!? Start your own freaking blog so you can be inflicted by comments such as yours. Oh yeah and happy Thanksgiving to YOU, NOLA.
Keep letting your feelings out Jennifer. Happy Thanksgiving 🙂
Jennifer — I lost my dear dad suddenly almost 10 years ago and I still miss him a great deal. I feel angry because he was such a GOOD PERSON. I feel sad because I was just getting out of my selfish 20s and learning to know him as a person. He worked hard his entire life and had just retired, only to fall down dead of a blood clot while he was washing dishes. He will never know my children, and they will never know him. So go ahead and feel blue . . . and don’t listen to those that say it gets easier, because you just learn to live with it. But it’s absolutely a void in your life. Try to have a good Thanksgiving, for your kids.
My dad died suddenly of a stroke last November. I was pregnant but we hadn’t told anyone yet-we were waiting for
Thanksgiving. So we went to my in-laws for the holiday but
i wasn’t up for it. My husband and I fought that day because I was trying to beg off. We made a deal instead, that when it got to be too much, we’d leave. Well, it did get to be too much for various reasons and he didn’t want to leave. So we ended up fighting for another week. Sometimes if you’re not feeling it, especially the first year, I think it’s okay to beg off and not go. If I could do it again, I would have insisted on staying home. Be well, and whatever you do for the holiday, try and take some time for yourself.
the first year of holidays is most definitely hard. but again i will say, with time that ache in your heart does lessen. i still miss my mother every single day but it just doesnt hurt in the same way anymore. and really? who care if you don’t bake? i am sure you arent going to walk in empty handed. everyone there is family who knows what you are dealing with and are , i am sure, just happy to have you there!
I do have a heart for Jennifer – that is why I was pointblank honest with my post. I saw my grandparents on both sides lose their children (my parents). They had a grace and strength that saw them threw it. Maybe that’s just old school?
pardon my typo: threw should been through.
I skimmed all comments so forgive if this has been said.
Why not stay in your cozy home with your kids and Keith have a nice dinner, whatever it ends up to be.
Watch some tv and come next year you all will be more ready for the holidays.
Don’t feel guilty for missing your mom. This is very hard stuff. You will be fine.
Hi Jenny, My firm belief is that I only do for the holidays is what will make me happy. Before you know it January comes and the whole thing is over anyway!!!Have fun at the Rosie special.It looks like it will be very funny!!!
Jennifer – hugs to you. My mom just died this past Friday (the 21st) and I feel empty. We had a very trying relationship and we were not talking when she died and I am heartbroken.
My Father was in an auto accident 9 years ago on the 29th. He lived 12 days. All because some careless woman was not paying attention, turned to the back seat to yell at her children…who were not in child restaint seats…and hit my Father going 65 mph. while he was stopped at a red light. I had just celebrated Thanksgiving with him a few days before his accident, never dreaming I would lose him before Christmas, I still DREAD holidays..nothing is the same and nopthing ever will be. I go thru the motions for my children and grandchildren…so YES, I do understand!
Yah….
Jennifer you really need a vacation and you need to go to the cemetary where mother is and talk to her like bunches of folks do.
To try and get close to her…
Alexis I’m making the green bean casserole with the onions on top…
nevea did but will report how good or not it was K?
Know how you feel. Let’s face it: No one loves a child the way a mother does.
No need to suppress your feelings Jennifer…the way you feel is the way it should be…what’s in your heart will come out…let it be love, fear, sadness or happiness. These are only a handful of feelings that live in you and all of us for that matter for the rest of our lives…it’s only human disposition so simply feel what you’re feeling…look at it at your soul’s nourishment …(I’m truly sorry for your loss and understand how hard it can be) take care!
What you feel right now is understandable…you should not do anything you do not feel like doing.
But I do have 4 words that may help you….what would bunny do?
Hey Jen,
It will get better, you need to just get up out of bed in the morning, breathe, and take the day one bit at a time. By all means, cry if you need to. You have a right and a reason to feel this way. The crying and the heavy heart is the healing taking place. You will be ok.
Jen,
If they don’t understand that you are sad as this is the first holiday with out you mom then !@$$% them. It’s hard enough but why add to it. If you want to bring something then do it. if not then don’t They should be happy you are going at all. Take all the time u need. Miss your mom, love your mother. The holidays are hard enough. Do what you feel is best.
Jennifer, your mom’s death was so recent, of course you are not feeling the holidays.grief is a very personal- individual process and you are grieving the loss of your mother.don’t pretend, keep doing what you need to move through your grief… it is a horrible and painful journey. life is wretched (sp) when we lose a loved one. peace to you during the holidays.
Dear Jennifer,
Please don’t feel bad for missing your mother, how could you not miss her, there would be something wrong with you if you didn’t. When I lost my mom , I also had a hard time with Thanksgiving for several years, it is not the same without your best friend there anymore.
Your love for your mom is to be admired.
Hugs,
Denice
Feel what you want, do what you want. I think that you are a strong women, mother, wife, co-worker. I am sure no one will miss a baked good. Ask Alexis to make something for you to bring. j/k The holidays are and will be hard. Make sure you have support to lean on and keep talking about your feelings.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Your post has made realize that I need to give my mom and extra long hug on Thursday.
I understand totally! I feel the same way about Christmas. I am just dreading it. My mom passed away Nov 4 2005, she suffered with cancer for 1 year, she was 58. If I didnt have 3 small kids, I would just ignore the holidays. It sucks.
No, It’s perfectly o.k .for you to feel blue. I know it’s not quite the same but my Grandmother has Dementia and is in a nursing home. Holidays were about going to her house and eating, spending time together and well , basically eating. She has no idea who anyone is , and can’t really be taken out of the nursing home because we don’t want to mess up her routine. The holiday’s will never be the same and it sucks . So if you don’t want to make anything and you are not in a festive mood I think you have every right . Hold close to the people who are still here and make sure you laugh your ass off as much as possible ! That and a little wine will make the day go by faster. 🙂
Hi Jennifer Funny, I didn’t hear the show today, but was thinking about you and knowing that you will be having more “firsts” this holiday season, and that its difficult. We buried my mother the day before Thanksgiving six years ago and I, too, am sad this week, and I still cry sometimes. Will be thinking of you.
I admire you Jennifer for telling it like it is for you. Feelings are meant to be felt, not suppressed. I am so over the holidays this year. I find them to be a bit sad and forced. Like all the pressure to get together and cook stuff, have a clean house for the company, etc. Who cares? I’m tired of all that and just want to listen to music, hang out with people other than my family, and relax!
Sorry you are going through this.
I’m feeling the same this year. We’re on home hospice with my Mother in Love (not just Law) now with pancreatic/liver cancer. It’s the most frightening thing I’ve ever seen and I’m so sad I can hardly breath. I miss her already because she’s not there. The grief councilor from hospice says just feel where you are right now because you have every reason to feel that way. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. And I’m so sorry you lost your mommy.
What I’m thankful for…that I love and have been loved by someone so much that I hurt this bad.
ugh that sounds like the worst thing in the world to be thankful for…sorry to bleed all over your blog. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
On second thought, I’m with MAW – why not just stay home?
Get all your dishes from the Whole Foods hot deli section, have Alexis makes smores for you, and just be home where you’re comfortable and don’t have to put up with questions and pressures. It’s what we’re doing and I’m a-ok with it.
poor jennifer,,, i really hope happiness comes to you soon (and stays there) i just hope your family – mainly your kids – are not being strangely affected by your unhappiness. would your mom want you to be strong? would your mom be strong in a situation like this?
do what you feel you should do this holiday, and don’t do anything you don’t want to do. don’t bake anything but do take pleasure in and be thankful for the people who are trying to make you happy.
have a fun night with your sister watching rosie
Loved you girls on Nightline! Super funny!
I’m sure they will understand. Don’t feel guilty for not being the cheeriest person around-my grandmother passed away over 15 years ago and my mom still gets a little down around the holidays because of it. Just remember you’ve got all these people that don’t even know you in person that think you’re awesome (as for the ones that don’t, screw ’em-they’re idiots). Also-I was thinking you were more like very early 30s, not 38!
Yes, the holiday’s are hard when we loose someone we love. Just saw on the Today Show a piece on the St. Jude children’s hospital. Everyone want a wake-up call and really appreciate what we have our health!!!!!!!
OMG. Your piece last night on Nightline was so great! I love the marshmallow baking.
You be you. Anyone who would expect you to not be upset on these 1st of holidays after her death is unfeeling. It’s an upset of your routine. Change is hard. The Rosie show is an excellent idea for the two of you. Enjoy! Happy Turkey Day!
My Dad died in 2001 and I do not have children so there is no diversion. It has been super hard around the holidays until this year. I miss him but it is has finally gotten easier….THANK GOD! Hang in there Jen, your wound is so new.
My God if you don’t want to be thankful you don’t have too. I feel the same. I have a family of 4, my mother who is 80, my husband who is 70, my cousin who is 50 and me the young one who is 49 and not in good health with my neck that’s not getting any better. You don’t have to be all joyous and fake. We don’t. We are all going out to the harford club anf it will be fun because they have a nice buffet but we will all be bitching about how the rest of the family were killed in bizarre accidents and how my cousin’s Tim daughter Nocollette says she never wants to see her father ever again. Her mother is sick and has brainwashed the 13 year old. So why be thankful that’s how I feel. For us it’s just going out to dinner. Sorry I’m not a help to cheer you up but I feel the same way you do and my mothwer gets threatening she’s going to die which matters worse because she is the matriach and if she died so would the rest of us. Amy
Oh and by the way I am sick and tired of the Turkey Hotline and all the stupidity that goes along with it! Amy
Jennifer..I know Amy’s mom and you should be ashamed of yourself for your comments. Could you please just get into therapy, take anti depressants or whatever and spare all of us your whining. Take a step back and see how you would feel if this was how someone spoke re: going to your mother’s house for Thanksgiving in years past.
to samantha, i adore amy’s mom! my emotions have zero to do with her and i am happy to be going to her house. it is unfortunate you couldn’t really understand my post. happy thanksgiving.
I have read your thoughts about the emptiness you feel at this time without your mother. And I read the comments to you also. I was crying and still am. My mother died 6 years ago and we left on bad terms due to her senility. I so wish that it had ended differently – that I could feel that love & bond. I wish that I could ache & pine at her absence. You are fortunate to have said good bye knowing that she will always be a part of you. This note will not stop the aching but you are most fortunate to have what the 2 of your shared in life.
Samantha, get a grip!! Anyone who’s lost a parent has the right to feel sad over holidays. I lost my mom 7 yrs ago and I still miss her every day of my life.
Jenn I’m sure everyone there will understand how you feel. No one with half a brain would expect you not to miss your mom, especially at the holidays. It does get a bit easier after a while. I’m sure you’ve heard that from thousands of ppl already. I think maybe its something we are ‘required’ to tell people.
Try to enjoy just being with the people you there and talk to your mom during the day. I know she’ll hear you, and remember she misses you too.
“Many have it worse than ‘me'”, not “I”; use the objective form of the personal pronoun, not the subjective. As hard as you were on that poor “ax” girl (who probably didn’t grow-up as privileged as you and whose family couldn’t afford private schools or college), you should know how to properly employ something as simple as a first person pronoun.
You dond’t need to bake anything. Don’t feel guilty.
But as an invited guest, you should bring some flowers, a bottle of wine, some purchased pastry.
Feel what you’re feeling. It’s NOT okay to pretend you’re okay…NEVER! I feel like an orphan, too and I’m a bigger kid than you are. 🙁 The feeling will NEVER go away and it’s QUITE okay NOT to
be thankful…that you miss your Mom, and you’re mad as ALL get out. Gawd, Jenn, slap someone. Slap Alexis. 🙂
Rosie will take your mind off of THINGS, thank G-D! Rosie, I’ll bet, feels lke an orphan as well. It just breaks my heart that our Mom’s are gone — it ALWAYS happens to the ones who worhip and adore their Mom’s. I know of Mothers and daughters who don’t speak OR visit one another and it makes me want to SCREAM! I am SO mad — BAH HUMBUG! I miss my Mom ever so much, Jenn. I KNOW how you feel and I’m crying FOR you. Oh well, where’s the effing PIE! Stuff your feelings — the world could care less. I wish I could see Rosie — I need to smile.
Love you, Jenn. Prayers are with you!
Dresden
Jennifer – ignore the haters! Do whatever you need to to get through this holiday! And I hope you’re enjoying Rosie Live – I’m watching on TV and it’s been a fun show!
I am so jealous you went to see Rosie. Do what you need to to get through. good thoughts to you
there is too much pressure put on holidays. it’s another day. Do what you need to in order to be happy.
The only thing that is going to help you is time.
And if your not feeling like it DONT do it! You don’t have to say why! Just don’t!
I think that I know how you feel! I lost my mom 6 years ago and OMG—it still just amazes me that memories of my mom still pop into my head so often. Little every day things happen and *poof*, there is a flash of “Mom used to do this for me” or “Mom would have loved this” or “I wish I could call her to share”… And holidays, with all of the family traditions—well, let’s just say that I realize that nothing will ever be the same. I never realized how much my mother did to make everything so special until she wasn’t here to do it! I miss her doing all of those special things that MAKE the holiday so great. Obviously, we all have to just keep getting over it little by little, but it really has helped me to instead try to focus on being that special person for my kids. As an oncology nurse, I see loss every day and just because you grieve for someone doesn’t mean that it is unhealthy or that you need therapy. Let those comments roll off your back.
Hi Jennifer, How was the Rosie show? You sounded so happy and excited yesterday on the show. I hope that you had a fun time with your sister. Happy Thanksgiving!
Jennifer- there are no right or wrong feelings. You don’t have to force yourself to be or feel another way. Please be easy on yourself- be good to yourself! If you feel crappy don’t make it worse by beating yourself up for feeling that way. There is nothing I can say to make it better, but I hope you and your family will feel love and peace this holiday.
JENNIFER – Blog about Rosie live and what you thought of the show. I watched and all I could think of is the Carol burnett show. And how lucky you and your sister are to get all that loot. do tell, do tell! Happy Thanksgiving! XOXO
Thanks for sharing your feelings Jen. This was supposed to be probably the last big Thanksgiving family get together with my mom (who has cancer) and she ended up in the ER and is having surgery today. Another relative went to the ER for a gall bladder attack, and 90% of the rest of us got a stomach bug. I ended up vomitting and (the other back end counterpart) simultaneously on the plane home – the most humiliating moment of my life. Had to throw away my jeans, and thankfully my husband had underwear and spare jeans in his carry on. And I thought the rat poop in the hotel bed would be story for this trip! ha. So no matter how sad you are, you can be thankful your day wasn’t as bad as mine.