sometimes i just want a vacation from my mind. i think that’s why people must do drugs..or drink a lot.
but (as you know) i don’t.
so instead i suffer through every freakin’ mood shift. and right now, i am stuck in the sad place (again).
go figure, a holiday season with family obligations would make me feel so bad.
i just know my mom would be making everything seem better. or at the very least she’d be distracting all of us.
my mom was kooky and nutty and wonderful and festive…even when she wasn’t trying to be.
she was a force to be reckoned with and loving all at the same time.
i spent some time in her closets today (everything is still where it was) and i could smell, touch, remember. it was brutal.
maybe the new year will bring less sadness. less longing.
xxx
jennifer
aim: whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
jennifer
aim: whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
I’m so sorry.
I think what you are doing is very theraputic. You are dealing with your grief in stages. What does your shrink tell you??
The holidays are always hard, but hang in there.
Jennifer I know this blog is about you, but how is your father doing?
Something just has to improve because I’m feeling in a deep dark depression as well. The state of things in America – Depressing, the weather,-Depressing, my mood – Depressing! I vowed to get a better attitude and stop my whining. Hope it kicks in soon!!!!!!!!! I’m still waiting!
This is the first holiday without my dad and I understand the sadness. I think we all have to go through the grief however is best for us and going to the sad place is good right now for you. As time goes on it will get easier and hopefully not so sad. So hang in there Jennifer!
On a bright note I am so relieved how well my mom is doing and that gives me all the reasons to be happy. I hope the same for your family.
jennifer-
YOU are kooky and nutty and wonderful and festive…YOU are a force to be reckoned with and loving at the same time…your mother lives in YOU…i hope the new year brings you the strength you wish for.
Jennifer, I’m sure your mom is looking down…wishing you weren’t so sad. I lost my Dad 14 years ago, and it’s always hard during the holidays, or when you are experiencing something special and you wish you could share it with them!! It down right sucks…hang in there…it does get easier with time.
It doesn’t get easier because there will always be moments that cut straight to the bone, but you’ll find ways to (and learn how to) handle your feelings in a more positive light. You have the best of your Mom in your heart…and that’s how she lives on in you.
Stay strong.
joann, either you are relatively new to the blog and the Whatever radio show or you’re still one of the group who won’t let it go and seem to feel that if they keep asking, demanding, forcing the “shrink” issue that Jennifer will seek psychological help. Until she informs us otherwise, she is NOT and is not interested.
I am sending you a virtual hug!
I am sending positive vibes your way. These first holidays will be tough but try to think of moments with her that will make you laugh (and then cry). I’m so sorry for what you are going through but it will get easier. <--Are you fed up with hearing that yet? Hang in there and know you were blessed with an amazing mother. She will forever live on in you. *hugs*
My mom died 14 years ago – sad places still abound. Last week was the anniversary and I lit candles as always. Love, bonds and time will ease some of the desperate sadness, can’t say that the longing disapates…..
She wrote me a note during the last days, and it emplored me to “remember our love …..don’t be sad, enjoy your life”…I try to honor that wish…it’s so difficult, but I try….it’s all in the trying…….
Best to you J.
CK NJ
All of your grieving is normal and i’m so sorry. I’ve been there and it’s a long drawn out process. Hang in there, holidays are tough.
I’ve done that and it’s totally normal. I’ve even wore my brother’s clothes. Amy
I hope Jennifer reads your post because it is so true and beautifully written. Desperate sadness is exactly how grief feels.
Robin from OK
You break my heart, Jennifer. You are a good daughter, and that’s thanks to your Mom. I sense that there is so much of Bunny in you, and you ARE Bunny to your children. You love without restraint, that’s what makes you so special. Your Mom was lucky to have you as a daughter, and you were lucky to have her as a Mom. I was lucky to have a Mom like Bunny and it’s devastating when they “leave.” Where DOES that love go? It turns into great sadness, tears, madness, anger, powerlessness. It takes time to turn it around. My Mom told me, before she died, not to grieve because my sadness would hold her back in the “thereafter.” It’s difficult, 6 years later, but I TRY to be…I can’t say happy because I’m not. My life is NOT the same without my Mom and it never will be. All I can say is hold Keith and your children tighter and focus on the love you have for them and you Mom. Be happy FOR your Mom — Jennifer she can’t be at peace if you aren’t. I know Bunny wants you to be your old, bouncy, carefree self. Let Bunny hear your heartfelt laughter — it will set you both free.
Love and G-d Bless,
Dresden
Jennifer: you are so lucky that you had the relationship with your mother that you had. I am so sorry that you are missing it but imagine not having a relationship to miss. My mother and I loved one another but were never close, in fact we had a very caustic relationship. She has been gone 25 years( I was 29) and I so wish I miss her like you miss Bunny. Hold those memories close, I don’t have them. xxoo
This is my first holiday season without my dad and I can totally empathize with what you are going through.
Jennifer, I know what you’re going through, lost my father in 02 to cancer, it gets easier as time goes by, be glad you have your husband, kids and rest of your family nearby, there’s nothing better.
My heart aches for you. Going into her closet — just the smell of a missed loved one — untenable. I so appreciate and respect that you are so sad this holiday — missing your mum. Its very normal. You are in my thoughts.
I recently found out my 16 yr. old is suffering from Bipolar. I can feel your pain in your message. Do not let the saddness get the best of you. Know when to ask for help. Think about honoring your Mother and remember how kooky, nutty, wonderful and festive you said she was. I think she would like that <3
Totally normal Jen. My mother passed away 11 years ago at the age of 47 from a brain hemmorage. Because I was next to kin I was givin her pelongings when she was taken off life support. In the bag was the clothes she was wearing when brought in by the ambulance and the hair that they shaved of her head. I still (tho it has been years) will open the bag and smell her hair. It just makes me feel close to her. The first year is the hardest and it DOES get better. T
Jen, I lost my beloved grandmother last Christmas eve. She was like a mother to me. I loved her so, and miss her so it hurts. This past thanksgiving I set a place for her at the head of our table. I wouldn’t let anyone sit there because it was for her. That night, I swear she was in my bed room twice just smiling at me. She was younger looking, not like she looked at her death. I was kind of freaked but warmed to see her. Now I thought my family would have me committed when I set a place for her at my table and if they knew she was in my bedroom that night… surely I would be “crazy.” I bought her a Christmas gift this year it’s wrapped and under the tree. It just makes me feel both sad and peaceful. It’s just my way of dealing with the confusing feelings. Jen, It’s rough and you are doing a great job getting through. Keep on pushing forward.
Remember when everyone laughed at Bio-rhythms and charting your emotional physical and intellectual peaks?
Remember when everyone went back to growing their own food. Remember when everyone would go to a Dude ranch?
Remember when everyone was concerned about the Earth and started Earth Day? Remember when everyone went to the beach and surfed? Remember when everyone went camping and hiking? Remember when everyone had a weekend home on the lake? Remember when everyone was knitting or crocheting? Remember when everyone was into pottery or painting and wanted to be an artist traveling with art festivals? Remember when kids wanted to join the circus? Remember when everyone wanted to be a rock star and write songs about what was bothering them? Remember when I started asking all these questions? The last question, why were so many people willing to try something new or to seek a completely different existence / way of life I would suggest to you it is a coping mechanism.
Jennifer, try looking OUTSIDE yourself, dwelling on how every new experience makes you feel just keeps you focused on YOU. Maybe think more about how your Father feels, how your kids are doing. Do some volunteer work and see that what you have gone through is terrible sad, but there are others that have gone through much worse. It will help.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we all came with a mind eraser. So we could just grab it and erase all the hurtful parts of our life? Your blog made my heart hurt for you. I am have walked in your shoes and it is not a fun place to be.
My Father died nine years ago today, from the results of a broken neck in a car accident. I still cry, I will miss him and want him back every day for all of my life.
Stay strong for your children and husband and may God touch your heart and ease your pain.
I lost my mom this summer, and I, too, am feeling that loss more intensely at this holiday time. I’m fine one minute, then a sobbing basket-case the next. I think it is normal and to be expected. The loss is huge, and not recognizing/feeling that would be wrong. I wish all of us who lost loved ones this year more peace and acceptance in 2009.
my mom died in when i was 18- the longing never goes away…you just learn to deal with it. the trick is not to think about her for too long. (i know that sounds mean but it’s the truth). in time you’ll see what i mean.
I hope the new year is easier for you than this last year has been, even if it’s just a smidge. We love ya Jennifer-keep your head up.
Sorry. You have a great family to help you through this (and friends).
My grandma was like your mother, always kooky and nutty and wonderful and festive. She wrote in her diary for over 45 years! She wore a hat that had a golf tee on the brim! And wore perfum and had a perfect vanity that I always sat at with her. When she put on her make up in the morning she would say she was “putting on her face”. Sometimes I know she is around because I can smell her. You should do something with some of her things or style, like I am rewriting all of my grandmothers diary’s. You can be festive just like her…she taught you how!
too mad you can’t embrace and cherish those smells gratefully and peacefully and just smile and enjoy them . . . i hope that time comes to you soon because it can be nice – i know.
((((HUG)))))
Ahh, Jennifer. You are so sweet. Thinking of you. Love.
I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer 8 years ago, I keep a small bottle of her perfume tucked behind a photo of her on my bookshelf. Every once in a while I’ll stop and breath in her perfume – it’s nice now, before it just hurt. I remember sitting in her closet a week after she died just sobbing.
hang in there
When I called in I asked how your Dad was doing. The reason I asked was I felt the holidays will be hard for him. After 40 years still married with 3 grown(?) kids I know when I am even on a long business trip how you miss sharing things with your best friend. Your Dad is a great guy and I hope he keeps himself occupied with some work or hobbies. I do both to relieve stress. Anyway I am writing to say thank you for the nice card. It was appreciated that the gang at Sirius recognizes us mere mortals (listeners). XOXO to you all. (no X’s for Paulie, hey let’s not get carried away here). It was funny when you had that lawyer call in and said “your in Merrick? or Massapequa”. I grew up in Merrick and wife in Motzapizza. We had a laugh at that when the guy says no Great Neck. Only an Ex NY’er would get the joke. I have a topic for your next show: you find or they find you, people from high school or college, you email or call. Then you remember why you haven’t made any contact for the last xxx years. I bet a lot have found this out. My daughter and wife were on facebook. it linked up a slew of people. One was a guy that was teh radio station manager at Adelphi when I went there and was Chief Engineer. I was his friend but my wife knew him too. We lost touch after graduation. A few years later he calls and we all met up. We didn’t hear from him or didn’t contact him until now. He is doing commercials and some movie work as an actor (looks like Wilfred Brimly now). He starts to send me emails. he is conservative Republican. Then I remembered he was always the opposite. He used to piss me off with his BS. He so anti Obama and we are so pro the O man. Yeah you can’t go back. Anyway I sent him some nasty emails and hope he gets lost …….Thought that topic might be a good call. Just a thought Happy Holidays. PS the whateverradio@gmail.com bounces back in the last few months FYI.
Jennifer is Amy doing any signing up here? The Framingham store or Milford are near by and have some big names read and sign. Just curious and if she is I will be sure to go.
Jennifer, do you keep a diary? I ask because I see your blog as a kinda of diary for you with all your feelings (well, the ones that you feel comfortable sharing with the whole world which is so brave!). Someday when you are in a better place emotionally it will be good for you to go back and reread your old posts, before, during and after your mom’s death. You’ll see that transition. The Kevin Tseng card says it all.
instead of suffering, do what your mother would do – be kooky and nutty and wonderful and festive.
the new year won’t bring ANYTHING that you can’t bring into your own mind. the holidays can be a rough time (if you let them). let the good memories of past holidays bring GOOD feelings.
i didn’t know your mother but i’m certain that she wouldn’t want your mind “beating you up” over the holiday season. enjoy the sweet memories you have with her and focus on making more happy memories with your family.
Jen, I feel for you. Please ask for some antidepressants from your doc. They will help, I promise!! Don’t worry, you will not miss your mom any less, it’ll just be easier to get through the day…
Jennifer: I do the same thing. I lost both my parents (3 weeks apart) right after new years 2005. When this time of the year comes all I think about are all of the hours spent in the hospital at the end of their lives. Just the other night I was going through my mother’s favorite pocketbook. It still has all of her things in it – wallet, glasses, pictures, handkerchief, keys, etc. I even stuck her slippers in there. I looked at all of her jewelry. I do this every once in a while when I really miss her. It does help. You would think after 4 years I’d stop feeling this way but it’s just not happening. Hang in there and I will try to do the same. We will get through this.
might not be a bad idea for you girls both to take two weeks off…i would hate that but mental health needs to be worked on and Alexis has a sore back and headaches so….
Enough already. I suggest you do something nice for someone in need. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Look around: you’ll stop kvetiching and get over it quickly.
What your feeling if nornal. This is your first holiday without her. Christmas and th such are hard. We are all expected to feel happy and when we don’t it just seems to get out of hand. I have found you just have to do your best and feel what you feel and just get through it.
I always make this offer when I hear of people who have lost their mother. If you would like mine … you can have her. Totally serious, let me know if you want her number…
I’ve known a lot of people who have lost family members… seems as though different people are helped by different ideas. I saw this tv thing on grief and it said sometimes you just need a place somewhere that is just there for you to remember the lost loved one… They suggested a bench outside , or a stepping stone with some of the deceased’s personal items in it… They also have grief clubs or something , I don’t know much about them, my best friends father died and his widow met her next husband at some grief club … I didn’t even know there was such a thing, sounds like it would be a room full of bummers, but maybe it’s easier to just exist in heartbreak and sadness in a room full of the same instead of being around happy people which would probably just piss me off… 🙁
I’m sorry you are feeling bad. My family moved my grandmother into a care center before she died, and they sold her house (my grandfather built it in the 50’s). I went to the house after it was sold and the locks were changed. I knew they would because the whole family had keys, but still was taken aback when I saw the new locks. I stood outside quite a while looking in and feeling terrible that I could no longer open the door and go inside. It was an awful feeling. The community college across the street bought the house and it was empty for the longest time. I would drive by and see what they were doing to it. A few months ago I drove by and the college had put a copy center in it. I went up to the door and told them who I was and asked if I could come in and look around. They had made a lot of changes obviously, but the kitchen was left in tact. They let me just hang out in there. I opened cupboards and touched everything. I even opened the pantry so I could see if it smelled the same. It was healing and painful. One of the guys working there totally understood what I was doing, but some of the other people were looking at me like I was nuts. I didn’t care because I spent over 30 years going to that house whenever I wanted to see my grandparents. Part of me still feels like I should still be able to go there. I’m so glad that you can go to your mom’s closet where everything is still the same. Sometimes you need that.
Hey Carroll Crispo! Empathize much? “get over it quickly?” Ouch!
Dear Carroll Crispo, You sure give hard heartedness a run for it’s money. Have you done any volunteering recently? Do tell. Just wondering. HHH 🙂
May you continue to celebrate your mother’s life each and every day. You and your family have the right to do so. This time is difficult, may the day bring you peace and new appreciation.
My parents are still living, so I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. I do believe that your Mother would want you to be happy, and that although the body dies, the spirit lives on. I’m sending you good thoughts and I hope you can find some joy in this Holiday season. XO
I say Miss Carroll Crispo puts her money where her mouth is and volunteers at a cancer unit.
Jen, your grief will be as unique as you. No one can tell you how long it will last or what to do. You keep doing what you need. I get where you are coming from.
I love your show, I know that during hard times it does help to pray for help. That’s the only thing that helps me get through. I wish you the best of luck.
I don’t owe you any explanations, but, since you asked: “get over it quickly” is with respect to feeling sorry for oneself and in no way is a slight at Jennifer; and, yes, I volunteer at Lazarus House in the oommunity. It was a suggestion and not meant draconian-like. Sometimes doing volunteer work feels good for the soul. So, there’s the explanation, although not warranted. happy holidsys, Donna and Hannah!!!
Jennifer…take one day at a time…everyday remember your mother…what you did with her…did you talk on the phone…go to lunch…have dinner…try to remember every thing you did on that day…after the first year it will get better…then you put your memories in their special place and start to life again…it takes time…and take all the time you need…its you special mourning…as time goes by it gets easier…I was told after you get over the habit of a loveone being there things get easier….this worked for me…yours with god….Alice
I am so sad for you.
what is great to get you out of your head is mediation and yoga. See if you can’t practice one of these and feel better
Another sympathy post? This is getting old.
Jennifer….I am so very sorry. My best buddy Jill died of breast cancer in the spring, some days I don’t know how I can go on without her. Friday was one of those days with a holiday party she had cohosted for 12 years on the agenda for Friday night. I had what can only be described as a meltdown at work….red face, eyes, runny nose etc. NOT A GOOD LOOK! I made it to the party and found myself surrounded by our friends in the same state of missing her. The love and support I felt from them helped me enjoy the party and cherish the memories of our friendship. I wish the same love and support for you Jennifer. All I could think of when I was crying like crazy was it was one more “first” I could check of the freaking list….Hugs to you from the frigid midwest.
Hi Carroll, Thanks for the unwarranted answer! 🙂 Everyone experiences grief in their own way, as I’m sure you know. Some “get over it quickly” and some never ever get over it. I have a feeling that Jennifer’s pain with the death of her Mother is deep and still very present. I hope that some day her pain is lessened or even gone. It’s good to read that your suggestions regarding her grief process were not meant in a severe, cruel, “Draconian” manner. Often when reading, one can not always know the intent of the writer unless the writer fully explains their point. Peace. Oh, and an off topic “hi” to Connie!
Keep the clothes that you have a special attachment to (and no that doesn’t mean all of them) and give the rest to charity. It will be therapeutic, liberating and healing. Healing doesn’t come to you just wanting it to – you have to do the work.
Yes “everyone does experience grief.” You are correct. And, thanks for the lesson on how Jennifer feels. I hope her pain is “lessened or even gone.” As you say, “Peace.” Oh, and an off topic “hi” to Ariel!
I find that your blog is so close to my heart right now. I lost my mom to breast cancer April 20th of this year. The holidays are tough. It sounds like your mom was a wonderful and strong person, like mine. I am finding strength in her strength from heaven. Hang in there. People say it gets better but you never quit missing her and I don’t want to. I never want people to quit talking about her.
Thanks for everything you do to help even without knowing it.
Jennifer, I feel your pain. I lost my Mom to colon cancer in October, 1998 and my heart still aches, I miss her so, so much. The first year was the roughest for me, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. I would lover for her to see my grandkids, she only meet my oldest and she taught him how to wave when he was a baby. Oh the memories we have, thank heavens. I found myself for a long time going to the phone to call her. You have your kids to help keep your mind from going crazy, I had my grandkids. Take care.