as most of you know, i don’t talk about my children often- i try to respect and value their privacy. but this morning i had a conversation with my daughter that i want to share.
we were driving to school and my daughter asked me how close the cemetery is (where my mom is) to our home? i told her 40 minutes away. she was concerned it was too far.
my daughter asked me about my mother’s cancer again. was it caught early or was it late stage? (her words, not mine) how did she get it? will you get it mommy? will i? how old will you be when i am 65 and will you be alive when i am 65? (she’s 8 now). are you ok mommy?
i did my best to answer honestly.
no, mommom’s cancer was not caught early- pancreatic cancer is rarely caught early. i don’t know how she got it but pancreatic cancer is not contagious. i don’t think i will get it because MOST people do NOT get pancreatic cancer, but i will take care of myself and be tested when it is time for me to be tested (typically a child of someone with pancreatic cancer needs to start testing 10 years before the parent’s age at diagnosis). you shouldn’t get it honey, and hopefully by that time, cancer will be no big deal because scientists and doctors are working to find a cure. i will be 95 when you are 65 and i’d like to be alive when you are 65. and although i am still sad baby, i am ok. (and i am!)
she went off to school and i was left to let my thoughts linger (shocking). i’m just so fed up with the uncertainty of it all.
i don’t want to lie to my kids, so i say things like, i think i won’t get sick, and
i’d like to live a long time, i’ll try to live a long time, i should be able to live a long time, and you will more likely than not be ok, and we are all ok no matter what happens etc. and it is important to cherish every minute of every day and think positively and take good care of ourselves and each other. and don’t fight! stop fighting with your brother. (i have to get that in any time i can!)
and i know that i say the words "i think" and "it should" or "it may or may not" and "i’d like to" because i know i cannot guarantee a damn thing. NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. because the fact is, nothing is certain, and that is all i really know.
and it drives me insane that i cannot promise absolute protection, happiness, longevity, nor prosperity for my kids.
but i can (and do) show my children how much i love them. and i can keep answering their questions no matter how emotional/nervous/sad they may make me.
and i can show by example that no matter what life throws at you, it is possible to keep a positive outlook. and it is possible (and ok) to laugh and cry even at the same time. and each day, that uncertainty can potentially bring not just something horrible, but maybe something wonderful, inspirational, magical, and fantastic. and just as easy as it is to worry about the bad, we can hope for the good.
xxx
jennifer
aim: whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
I think that what you said was great. I think that we should let our children know that parents do die and that parents do get sick. It’s sad but true. I hope that you get thru the holidays with some happiness and joy.
….out of the mouths of babes…great wisdom comes…
I really hope that, one day, I will be as good of a mom as you obviously are. Your mom was smiling down from Heaven on that one!You made me smile and cry at the same time, reading this story. Keep up your good work and strength! I take ‘advice’ from you, for my boyfriends’ mom died on Thanksgiving and I am grieving, as well as watching him go thru Hell of course.Please keep discussing your feelings because it helps in the grief process, for so many of us too.
I have tears rolling down my face because not only did you say EXACTLY the right thing, but it hit home for me. I hated when people told me that my sister will be ok when she was dying. The honest truth is that, no, she wasn’t ok, wasn’t going to be ok, and by people saying something so dumb as “she will be fine,” it actually makes it worse. I commend you for your honesty to your child and for using the carefully chosen words that you did. My mom always said that things will be ok, even when we knew they wouldn’t be. Not only does it set you up for further disappointment, but it’s just not the honest truth. By you using those words, your kids will know that they can trust what you tell them and that you are not just giving them empty words. You did one of the best things that I have ever heard you do for your kids, and you have done a lot! I wish my mom would have handled it the same way.
Jennifer I really enjoy your writing. I followed and prayed for your mom while she was sick and sent cards to her in the hospital. My husband, 53, was diagnosed with Stage III colon cancer on Nov. 18, we have gone through one round of chemo and have 11 more to go. I am also freaking out and I am trying to keep a positive attitude. Your writing helps me alot.
She seems really sweet and very smart too…
🙂
WOW- I usually skip over your rant, but found this so incredibly honest and beautiful.
Right on Sister!
You did a great job Jennifer, your job as a parent is to let your children be children, you answered honestly. As a parent we have to try to give our children a perspective and model that it is OK to be sad, but also OK to laugh and go to a party too.
your calling is not radio but you are a gifted writer and should think about writing a childrens book collection. I think you would surprise yourself
Oh Jennifer – This is beautiful. You said the right things. Know that your Mom is proud of you. You helped “me” with these words. More than you know.
Wow. I had the nearly the same conversation with my 10 yaer old daughter when my mother died of breast ca a few years ago. And I think I said a lot of the same things. It’s like suddenly their world is a little bit shattered by witnessing our adult vulnerabilities. Jen, just keep being that soft place for them to land-loving can never be wrong. I’m glad you share this-I thought I was alone.
Jennifer, you said exactly the right thing. Nothing is certain. All we have is hope…
You are a great mom and its around that age that death enters into their little worlds. i had the same questions with my son when there was a death in my family. all of a sudden he thought something would happen to me or his dad. It was awful and as we know….we can’t really say if we will be here in 20 0yrs.But he thinks i will be and thats all that is important!He will have plenty of other things to ponder in the future.You are doing the best you can!Your babies will look back someday and thank you for giving them all the love and guidance you could. as you do with the memories of your mom..all positive stuff.You are a superb mother and friend and daughter. I enjoy your blogs
Sarah
well said
You gave such great answers to your daughter’s questions. I know it’s not an easy subject to deal with and you handled it beautifully! You’re a great mom and should be very proud of yourself!
lovely
Honestly Jennifer, of course you don’t know me but how proud of you am I! You have come such a long way from when you’re lovely mother went to be with the Angels.
You have displayed such strength and handled your daughters questions in such a beautiful way!
You are doing wonderful, your Mom is right there with you every step of the way and I am very happy for you. Staying positive is key… and you are living proof!
Be well, Happy Holidays and a Very Happy and Healthy New Year!
Nothing is certain, how true. The good and the bad of it is that in 10 to 20 years the cure rate will be much better. Not soon enough to save our mothers but at least some elses Mom will be spared. The things we have to teach our children make parenting such a challenge!
Hi Jennifer
You are a wonderful mother. You handled your daughters questions perfectly. She is lucky to have such a great mom.
Tim Allen’s Father was killed by a drunk driver when he was 11 yrs. old. I just heard him say “You get passed grief; you never get over it.”
beautiful conversation and beautiful post
Jennifer, you rock.
Stupid, stupid, flowers. Someone, very young, died today in my family. He was young, vibrant, Italian, and positivly in love with his wife, his children, his grandchildren. How to respond to this? I don’t know. I feel your sadness, but probably nott your grief….
Beautifully expressed Jennifer…you are a tender loving person and I am pleased to have found your airwaves.
xKb
I think you’ve turned a corner Jennifer. nicely done.
You’re a great mother. You handled that with such grace.
I think your beautiful and honest handling of the car ride conversation and your subsequent thoughts show how well you are dealing with your loss.
As a by-product, you are a better person and parent for what has happened and I know your children can feel that and appreciate your tender candor.
Your words are wonderful… What you shared with your daughter is honest, and open and needed to be answered. It is Ok to cry and miss and grieve..
Just lovely. Happy Holidays!!! Amy
You’ve done it again…..so beautifully and honestly expressed. I feel privileged to be reading about your most private thoughts and experiences. Even though you are much younger than I you make me rethink what I would do if I were in your place. Jennifer, reading what you write is like eating a perfect dessert. Your children are so lucky that their mother not only loves them so deeply but is able to express herself so candidly. In my opinion, as a teacher for over 40 years, I applaud you.
My dad died when I was ten and my now 8 year old daughter has lots of questions now. When my dad died my mother (entire family actually) never spoke of it again and by doing that kept the pain burning a hole in my heart. Talking to your daughter the way you did is the best thing you could have done for her or yourself.
Hi Jennifer,
I just wanted to let you know that the last line of your blog
“and just as easy as it is to worry about the bad, we can hope for the good.”
Is a little bit of inspiration I desperately needed.
Thank You!
You are so insightful. I am so touched by your words. You are so right. The uncertainty can be horrible, but also amazing and wonderful.
its good to tell them the truth. they deserve it and you owe it to yourself. good job jenny!
That was just flat out the best thing I have read in a long time. You should write (you probably do). Happy Holidays
Of all of the things that you have written since your Mom died this one hit it on the head, you did a great job with your daughter dealing with tough questions and feelings-we learn a great deal from our children and their observations of life around them. Keep it up and you too will see the clouds part in front of you.
Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts like a diary with us. I don’t usually have enough time to read the comments that people have submitted (sigh) but I so love to read your blog because it is such a wonderful (sad/happy/life) connection. Don’t ever stop using the blog when it feels right to you, because I think it helps a lot of us. As long as it’s okay for you, it really helps us (me?) in dealing with lots of things in life.
Jennifer, I have found that it’s best to keep it simple when kids ask such questions. My son lost his grandfather (my dad) and his father within 3 weeks of each other when he was 4. You wanna talk about questions!! Anyway, we have decided that the two buzzards that fly around our house are his poppop and daddy and that really does seem to comfort him. I thought what you said to your kids was perfect. You are being honest and that’s the most important thing to do. Don’t sugar coat these subjects but also know how much to tell them and then be sure to let them have their own beliefs. Keep your chin up, you’re doing a great job!
Wow — you sound like a really lovely soul and a great mom. I’m sure your mother would be very proud of what a wonderful person you are — you seem to exude lots of wisdom and insight. I am always so taken with your blog and your comments and your emotional availability. What a remarkable lassie you seem to be. Your children are very lucky to have you as their mom!
Hey, you handled that better than when you asked your mom what a “69” is. Okay, O hope that made you laugh! If not feel free to say eff you!!!
RE show recap ///// a simple thing like planning ahead you need to pay for parking anytime you drive/park i n town right?? Why doesn’t the car always have change for parking. and to think that complete strangers owe you something like change**** hello that is the first thing a mugger asks for right?? then they take your entire wallet—– get yourself a cute L.V. change purse and fill it will coins to feed the meters — now that is a great gift a change purse full of change!!!!! and every time your loved on uses it they will think KINDLY of YOU throughout the year a cute note of istructions for the change purse and you will be #1
You need to read William Goldman’s THE PRINCESS BRIDE. Not the movie but the book. Aside from being a magic fairy tale that transports you it is chock full of amazing life lessons and his prose puts things in a way that makes perfect sense. There is one story about life not being fair that has always stuck with me and I think you would find comforting – and validates your feelings in a spectacular way. Much love to you and yours during this challenging time.
wow. this should be called cancer 101 for parents. Bless you for not lying to your kids. I honestly believe that makes all the difference in what kind of people kids become. yours will make excellent large humans, no doubt.
ROCK ON JENNIFER!!!!
Jeniffier, You are amazing.
It is perfectly okay “not to know” and tell your kids that. It’s not a lie. You don’t know. None of us have a crystal ball. You did great job!
Jennifer
try to relax as much as possible and if you feel like weeping
do so away from the people who will be sad seeing you do that..
but I think you do need to let the sadness out more
not having to work may be a big help in you letting the pent up anger out then you can grieve normally have a happy Jewish girl
ew
Wow… Grace Purpose Hope
This was a very beautiful write…thank you for sharing. It touched me and left a lump in my throat when I thought about my 2 year old girl! 🙁
Your daughter sounds like a wise and sensetive soul. You answered beautifully.
Your writing is helping me too. I have 5 small children and my father (67), has pancreatic cancer and is loosing his fight.
I thank you for honesty and sharing your feelings on your blog. It is thereputic for us all.
Be well and love your beautiful family.
That is all we can do.
BTW – You would be an amazing children’s author. 🙂
Positive post Jennifer. Strangely, we have found my Mother’s birthday to be the hardest time of the year b/c of the loss of my sister and brother, both young. However, its the Holidays, and important for all to try to feel our best even when we don’t really feel that way! Good Job.
We have the here and now, so let’s make it as joyful, productive and loving as we can – right now. That’s what I told my kids when they started to express fears about illness and death.
I wish you a very happy and healthy 2009, Jen!
Jenny-Wishing you a great Hanukkah tonight with your family. You’re a mensch!
Best wishes for a happy 2009. Happy Hanukkah!
I applaud your honest and heartfelt entry. I am not too much younger than your mother was at the time of her passing so….I have a few years on you. I want to tell you that from what I know, the only thing that is certain is love. That love transcends every boundary there is, that it’s timeless and it’s all that is left at the end of the day. So you are doing what you can do in the face of uncertainty. You are loving your children and that will be what will ground them, buoy them and what they will remember no matter what life brings. Happy Chanukah.
I had the same experience with my 8 year old. We had two very close friend and family die in one year. My 8 year old had so many questions and I was constantly heading him off because I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Finally, just him and I went into his room and got on the floor to clean it up and I just told him to ask me anything he wanted. He asked me how I would be when he was my age…I told him 68. He asked if I would be alive. I told him I hoped so. He finally nailed the tough one…Mommy are you going to die someday. I wanted to be honest but not sure how. I told him that I would die someday and that it would be sad but that he would see me again. He cried…I cried, but then it was better. Now, I think he’s the wiser for it. I told him that we eat good to help us stay strong but nothing is certain and to make every moment of every day COUNT! And he does. He’s so sweet. Hang in there Jennifer…it does get easier, even though it doesn’t feel like it now.
Perfect. You’re such a great mom! How wonderful you have such a great line of communication with your kids.
Take care & Happy Holidays!
Dear Jennifer
Want to wish you and your family,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
May God Bless you with good health, peace, happiness, success and prosperity.
My husband and I started watching your show. At first, he thought it was a “chick thing.” Now, he loves it and so do I! He thinks you are wonderfully sweet.
I am saddened by your mother’s death, but know that you will grow from it.
Happy Holidays!
Ruth
Watched your show once…. would be a whole lot funnier and more entertaining if you tried to duplicate what Martha was doing on in addition to your comments. I would love to see you attempt to tie the large Barbie Birthday Table Bows……
Are you guys dead or what?
Seems like someone could update the blog. I’m losing interest.