thank you mommy.
it is my birthday today. and you are the reason i am here.
and sadly, you are not here anymore..
this morning i was sure i’d hear you speak to me. but i didn’t.
no dream, no magic, just longing.
it has gotten easier on a day to day basis of course. it is almost cruel how it happens. i start to think i’m coping great and the grief process is coming to a close and then WHAM i feel like you died yesterday.
but it wasn’t yesterday, it will be 7 months tomorrow. and 16 months since you were diagnosed. and then 9 months till you died. diagnosed in october. died in july. diagnosed in october. died in july. there is no rewriting that damn story.
i remember my birthday last year. my friends came over and we had lunch with you. and i smiled through the pain of knowing what lied ahead.
i knew it was probably the last birthday i’d have with you.
and i savored that lunch and that day and that night. and i tried to make it last. i tried to slow it down.
but i couldn’t.
nobody could and nobody can.
illness takes over.
time continues to pass.
and ultimately you did too.
at least we had those last 9 months together. at least we had the chance to say it all.
it could have been worse right?
at least there were no surprises…just the harsh reality of the situation.
i’m 39 and still feeling like a child, and hoping that i’ll have the opportunity to live longer than your too fast 65 years. and counting my blessings along the way.
i know you’d say "jenny look at all you have!" and you’d be right.
i do have so much to smile about and so much to hope for.
i just wish you were here to smile with me.
thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, presents, cakes, and constant good thoughts.
your support has helped me more than i could ever properly say.
xxx
jennifer
aim: whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
Well, that was an uplifting blog! I’m depressed for the rest of the day. Sheesh. One word: THERAPY
This blog is Jenny’s therapy. If you are a regular reader and have any sort of intelligence and training you would notice that she is experiencing her grief in a very normal fashion. She is an intelligent emotional verbal individual merely going through normal changes in life. If you are looking for uplifting entries why don’t you check out some of her entries from the past when she was not in mourning. It’s the woman’s birthday and she can laugh, cry, scream or do “whatever” SHE want’s. That’s why “WE” love her!
Happy Birthday Jen. I wish I had words to comfort you. Just keep letting it out, hon.
Make today the best it can be.
X0
Carol Crispo said, “Therapy.”
Yes, Carol, therapy helps. Unkind words don’t. It’s a rarity to have a loving, best friend type of relationship with one’s Mother. Jennifer and I were Blessed to have known what that’s like. To lose that love is devastating. You find that life goes on and you wonder, “Why is everyone continuing to “move on” like nothing has happened? I’m in such pain I can barely place one foot in front of the other? Why are people laughing and carrying on when there are tears streaming down my face and I’m dying inside? Does anyone care? Will someone PLEASE stop the world and just look at me and acknowledge my pain and just try to understand that things are NOT okay and I need just a bit of compassion and a kind word?”
Bunny passed away 9 months ago — Jennifer was loved, unconditionally by the woman who’d give up her live for her, for 39 YEARS and she’s supposed to go to therapy? Therapy will take care of EVERYTHING?
You can always pick out the people who’ve been loved like “The Velveteen Rabbit.” It shows. I wish everyone could be loved like that. It’d be Heaven on Earth.
Jennifer, I understand. You have a “fairy tale” heart, and that, in itself, ia a rare thing to have. You have that type of heart because you were loved by a person who had one as well. That legacy will live on through your children and through the lives of generations to come. Just love the “skin/fur” off you the people you hold dear to your heart.
Give thanks to G-d, that you’re one of the lucky ones to have been loved THAT much and cry when you need to, scream when you can’t keep a stiff uper lip, reach out to the people who don’t judge you and KNOW Bunny will, one day, be with you again.
Happy Birthday girl !!
Well if you have any recording on answering machines you saved of your MOM when she called and missed you..play them today or movies where the party was and she sang to you look at them for her voice today….
She seems to have liked the color
[ purple] not the movie but then again I bet she cried over that movie didn’t she?
Listen to past movies today…of celebrations where she is on the video you should have some made into a cd of MOM..for times like these..Love and happy Bd again…
Happy Birthday! Enjoy your day. Ignore the idiots who don’t have anything nice to say. For crying out loud, give the girl a break!
happy birthday jennifer!!!!
is carol crispo for real? sheesh is right!
Beautifully written, Jennifer. Love and hugs on your 39th birthday! xoxo
My goodness, Jennifer. Thank you for the Lesson you learned… The lesson you so openly teach others now. I arrived yesterday to Monterey, CA from NC to be with m parents while my dad faces cancer surgery next week. 3,318 miles away from my (perfect and wonderful) parents is a mistake. I know that now… Kinda knew it then. Cherishing every minute, wanting every minute to last a year (or more!)
Sorry I made this comment about me… Just want you to know that I appreciate your pain and know that my prayers for your peace are pointless but go out to you any way.
With love!
Screw you, Carol Crispo – you need Therapy to perhaps help you develop a little feeling for others and their pain. I’m pissed off for the rest of the day. Sheesh! One word: Bitch!
You make your momma proud
Love you, Jen! Happy Birthday. Take care of yourself today. You totally deserve it. <3 XO, Erica
Happy Birthday Jen! Keep your chin up! I cried for my mom this morning, too, I lost her in 2000 Feb.19, she was 69 (would’ve been 78 Feb 13th), I was 29. I spent her last night with her alone and holding her hand. Time helps, but the pain never goes away, sadly. Go spend the day with your beautiful family, laugh, play, and make a lovely memory with them! Enjoy your special day!
I am facing the same situation with my Mom that you were last year with yours. It is tough and it gets tougher every day but you do your best that’s all.
Enjoy your birthday with your family Jennifer.
Beautifully written Jennifer! Happy Birthday. And if what you wrote makes that first person to comment depressed for the rest of the day, she/he must lead a sad little life! Hang in there! Matt
Happy Birthday, Jennifer!!
First, thank you for your post and sharing your feelings. It was very moving and personal.
Second, nothing anyone says to you about how you should be handling your grief for losing your Mom matters. She was YOUR Mom. These are YOUR feelings, YOUR memories, YOUR pain. Cry in your closet, scream in the car and laugh when you remember something completely hilarious about your Mom.
Happy Birthday Jennifer
Happy birthday, Miss Jennifer! I lost my dad who was an amazing person and would give the shirt off his back to anyone. He died suddenly in his 50’s and I feel him around me a lot. Talk to your mom aloud — it is very therapeutic. You will get to a point of feeling peace within you after a while. A medium who knew nothing about me told me that my dad was sorry he left so early but that he could help more “on the other side”… we are all just energy and energy doesn’t ever die… it transitions to another state of “being”.
love you and your show…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I just know this will be a great year for you! We all love you =D
Do not waste these years being a child – use them to be a great mom. Your role if life has change and you need to accept it. When we become parents we have to grow-up!
Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear Jennifer …. Happy Birthday to you.
Jennifer, I think you are mistaken when you say your Mom didn’t “speak” to you. You remembered her and what she would have said to you and most of all you sound optimistic. Having had the chance to “say it all” it something to cherish.
Happy Birthday, Jennifer. Having just celebrated my 56th b-day a couple of days ago, I understand the feelings of loss you are experiencing on your special day. My Brother passed away of ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) and my Father passed away shortly thereafter. While these relationships are very different than that of a Mother, the pain and loss is very much the same. The one thing I have learned for sure is that there is no right way to grieve. It is amazing to me that anyone would be arrogant enough or have the audacity to tell you how to grieve your beloved Mother. And…..although our cherished loved ones are no longer with us in body form, you can still have a relationship with them. It’s just a different kind of relationship. Your love for your Mother is palpable as her love for you is. Cherish your memories, share them always and know we all wish you a very, joyful Birthday.
Jennifer – I lost my mother earlier this year….I understand how you think you’re getting better, then you get hit with another ” first thing ” without your mom. My friends keep telling me it’ll get easier, but I don’t know about that…. I think we just get more practice being brave.
I lost my mother 10 years ago, when I was 20 years old. I wish I was mature enough back then to realize she was slipping away so that I too could have savored every last moment like you did. She was only 53.
I know you’ve heard this before, but it does get easier….it just never gets easy.
Happy Birthday, Jennifer! I lost my mother when she was 52 and I was 22. I was living in California and my family was in Atlanta so we talked on the phone but I hadn’t seen her since my first daughter was born 8 months before. My mother was planting flowers in the garden and just fell over dead from an anurism. Planting flowers one minute and gone the next. It was horrible. But I wanted to tell you to listen. I’ve heard my mother’s voice and one day while I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes and thinking of her, I felt her kiss me on the cheek. I am 61 years old now and it still makes cry to write this. It gets better but you never stop missing the ones who are gone. Your mom does want you to have a happy birthday. The love doesn’t stop — it’s always there.
When one feels so down from grief that its still overwhelming one’s thoughts to the point that it colors everything in life, maybe it would help to talk to someone. I went through this when my Grandmother died and I was completely stunned and just could not get over it. Therapy, which I long rejected, did help me, alot. But I only went when I just couldn’t stand the pain anymore, even though those around me kept encouraging me to get help. I did get relief after that and credit it with helping me to come to terms with something I simply could not figure out on my own.
Happy Bday!
Spend the day the way your mom would have wanted…celebrate the life she gave you! And in turn, give your children HUGE hugs – remember THEY are a part of her just as you are, so you WILL be hugging her too!XO
Happy Birthday Jennifer,
The grief still aches so badly because you were loved, and loved her,so much. I’m going through the same thing, hopefully the daily crying will pass but the physical missing of our loved ones is a real battle.
Take care, you are a lovely woman and help a lot of people with your honesty.
Carol, you are vile, please keep your insensitivity to yourself.
Your inability to show compassion and express your ignorance is pathetic.
Happy birthday, Jenn. hugs
BIRTHDAY….I won’t say Happy Birthday, bevcause in your heart it is not. I understand I am 59..my “Daddy” has been gone just over 9 years. I still miss him, I still cry, I still want him back.
I understand Jennifer! I know you are grateful for all you have and how blessed your life is…does not lessen the ache you ave from missing your Mom.
I believe in heaven and I believe she is watching over you and is so proud of how hard you are trying to go forward and is so proud that she loved you in such a special way, that you still miss her so.
Try to have a good day, each day will lessen the pain a little more!
Pam
I say do whatever you need to continue working through your grief. Your birthday is yet another milestone that you don’t have with Bunny. It’s no surprise that you’re feeling the wave of emotions. Nonetheless, I hope you are able to enjoy your day with your family. Happy Birthday to you! Take care.
Hi Jennifer,
You and I were chatting the other night on FB about it being 2 years since my dad died. After reading your blog today, it made me remember my last b-day with my dad. I turned 33 in Dec. and he passed away in Feb. I knew when we were at dinner that night that it would be my last b-day with him. He was in such poor health. The next day, I drove him to Chemo. (I took him each Monday), and I realized that day that the end was near. He could not possibly go on like that. I am so glad that we had that dinner for my birthday. I will never forget it. Each year I will remember him and wish he was there. I know how you feel. It sucks. Today is the 2 year anniv. of when he was burried him and tomorrow is my daughters 7th b-day. I remember thinking, we cant have a funeral on Isabel’s b-day. Thank God we did not have to. Try to keep your chin up. She will ALWAYS be with you in your mind and your heart!
Jen
Jennifer, your post was beautifully written. Your mom would be so proud of you. You make me want to be a better daughter to my mom. Thank you.
As I choke thru my tears………..Happy Birthday, Jennifer!!! I am sure it is bittersweet. Go out, eat fine food and get yourself drunk and laugh with your family and friends. Bunny will be looking down with a smile on her face.
Beautiful Words Jenny. Wishing you continued Healing.
Happy Birthday Jennifer. I know how difficult this is without your Mom. I totally understand. I hope you have a nice birthday today with your family. 🙂
Happy Birthday Jennifer. Enoy your day and I hope your family bring you to smile 🙂
Cheers to you Jennifer. Thank you for sharing what is on your heart. Writing IS therapy…ask any therapist. You are doing good. Please keep writing like this and sharing with us. I know it helps many out there.
happy birthday,jennifer–your mom was gorgeous and so are you.
Thank you and Happy Birthday, Jennifer. I also lost my Mom to cancer in December~10 months after her diagnosis. Your entries and the responses always seem to help put into words what I am going through. Today I gave my sister a shower for her first baby-a baby that our Mom will never hold. It is just so hard.
Happy, Happy Birthday! Have a great day!
Happy Birthday Jennifer! Your blog really touched me. Your mom was lucky to have you for a daughter and I’m sure she is proud of you. She’ll always be with you, watching over you and your family. The pain will lessen, in time. Cindy
That was such a wonderful blog Jenn. Your mom is watching down on you from the heavens. People die, there is one thing that never dies, Love, Love never dies, as long as we live, so will love. You took a big step today. Good for you.
Happy 29th birthday….
To Rich in Boston: I LOVE TO WIND YOU UP!!!!!! CHILL OUT, cupcake. Jenny’s a gem.
Jennifer, you’re remembering your mother the way she would want you to remember her – very loving, optimistic and kind and that’s a tribute to her!
Take as long as you need Happy Birthday
***hugs***
Thanks for the open, honest, thoughtful post. Happy Birtday. You are in my thoughts!!!
All you codependents need to get a life. Our parents raise us to take care of ourselves not to paralyze years of our lives grieving.
Your poor heart must ache. Some of us share your tears.
happy birthday jenny….you sweet girl!
Happy Birthday Jennifer, my thoughts are with you.
That was Beautiful, Hope Your Day was GREAT!
Happy Birthday! What a beautifully written entry! Dear Nola: you have about as much sensitivity as a fence post! Dear Carol Creepo: You cannot clean up that ugly comment, or, as they say in legal terms, you cannot un-ring the bell. Don’t pretend you said some horrible hurtful thing just to “wind somebody up”. You said it because you are a hateful witch.
Jennifer your mom must have been very proud of her beautiful, eloquent sensitive daughter! I hope you find some solace in that. Aloha
just wanted to thank you for sharing your true emotions with us no matter how “gritty” it can be. your blog has been a constant reminder to me to cherish every minute with my family and to never take any of them for granted. my thoughts and prayers are with you. keep on hangin in there girl!!
HI Jennifer, I just wanted to catch up on your blog and read your beautiful letter – you were and are truly blessed to have been loved by a wonderful mum – and yet when I wanted to leave a comment I was faced with Carol Crispo’s inappropriate comment – why on earth read this blog if you don’t get it!!! Anyway know that there are more people with you than against you so I hope you had a wonderful day surrounded by those who love you!!!
Happy Birthday Jennifer!!! Hope you had a fun day! Love your blog!! You are a gifted writer!
Happy birthday, dear Jennifer….you are such a kind, sweet soul. As human beings it is so hard to accept change and that nothing is forever, we must savor each day; even though it is so hard to push ourselves forward and carry on. The healing is in the moving forward. You make me appreciate my mother so much, and for that I thank you!
WOW…..you are a testament to what an amazing mother you had in your life. The way you speak about her simply honors her in the most beautiful and profound way. Even though your mom is gone, what you had together can never be taken from you, and will help you get through this and all the moments that you wish she were with you. I have always believed that the way someone loves and treats their mom speaks volumes about their character, and you are proof to that theory. Have a wonderful birthday, eat ALOT of cake, some vino, and relish the fact that so many people really dig you and only wish the best for you!!!
You just make me want to cry!!! I’m so sorry that you hurt so much…Amy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNIFER!!!! Yesterday was my birthday…..8 years ago I lost my mother figure- I miss her everyday….but I swear she’s here with me every step of the way- I know you’re mother is with you too! Hang in there! We love you!
Jennifer, I thought of you yesterday, your birthday, also the day MY mother passed away 5 years ago. I still cry for my mom, but the pain has eased. Happy Birthday!
I’ve been where you are and know how empty you feel. I’m sorry for your loss but you will get better and the hurt won’t be so all consuming.
Jennifer you are a very lovely person. If people don’t understand that too bad. After all This is your Blog! Hope you had a good day yesterday. Smile Happy Birthday!
Carol and Nola you soulless Bit**es! I am STUNNED at the complete lack of empathy a human being can express. OMG! GO AWAY! You are not equipped to be apart of the human race. This is a place for people who are fans of this blog and the people who write it. Go hate at some other blog.
To all of you who insist on slamming Jen for expressing normal emotion: You need therapy. There is NOTHING wrong or abnormal with what Jen is doing. She is using the blog as her form of therapy. Once again, we are not all the same and we do not all handle things the same way and nobody, and I mean NOBODY has the right to tell someone if their emotion is right or wrong or how they express it is right or wrong. There is NO right or wrong when it comes to emotions, you idiots. They are individual feelings and cannot be compartmentalized. What is wrong with you Carol and Nola? Get some help for the love of God!
Stop using big words you don’t understand. “Codependents” So 1990’s. Move forward into the new century why don’t you and use proper terminology. Maybe you won’t come across like such a frigid, old, bitter, angry moron.
I lost my Mother two years ago last Nov. At first I was so angry because it was a sudden stroke with no goodbye. But then I learned to embrace all the things she loved. I could almost feel her living them with me. It’s getting a bit easier but I still want to just pick up the phone and call. That is the hardest part. One day at a time. Live it fully as she would do.
My Mommy.
https://www.flickr.com/photos/66013135@N00/771215331/in/set-72157602132844674/
She so does suck…
she sure does act stupid around others..
Beautiful, Jennifer. My thoughts and tears are with you.
how very,very beautiful and touching.
“it has gotten easier on a day to day basis of course. it is almost cruel how it happens. i start to think i’m coping great and the grief process is coming to a close and then WHAM i feel like you died yesterday.”
I know how you feel Jennifer. I lost my mother this past December 2nd. While every day it does become a little easier, there are those moments. I had one last night and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember listening to the show when this happened and I felt so incredibly sad for you, it tore me up thinking about what I would do when my mother passed and prayed it wouldn’t be for many years… 5 months later and she was gone. I have to keep reminding myself that she knew I loved her very much and that I know she loved me and that I am, for better or worse, the person I am today because of her. I have set out to make it my goal to make her proud in everything I do from now on.
Hang in there!
Ken Lee aka “Ken in Colorado”
Lacey, Wa
I’m so sorry.
I bring my mom flowers every birthday of mine, and I was 40 last year. I do this because my friend lost her mom and said now she takes them to her mother’s grave. She wished she’d done it in life, so I took it to heart.
You are loved Jennifer.
jennifer…I think you need to release yourself from the clear (and unwarranted) guilt you have over your mother’s death…I know you probably think it’s sadness over the genuine loss, but when you write about it, it sounds more like “duty” at this point and although I don’t think it’s disingenuous, I think it’s odd that you aren’t further along in your grief …perhaps you should take this to your therapist as a private process…sorry to be so direct, but I think it’s time to get it together and quit acting like a 6-year old…it’s sad…we get it…good luck
I totally understand how you are feeling, I lost my mom when I was 38 and she was 66, the pain cuts deep in our hearts. We only have one mom and women who still have their moms will never unstand the heartbreak of losing a mom. Cry when you feel like crying, and somedays you will laugh at old memories and time does lessen the pain, but you never get over the loss of your mom – but you do get through it – one day at a time. It’s been 26 years since my mom died and sometimes I still get weepy, but mostly I remember how much I was loved! You are not acting like a child, you are acting like a grieving daughter, it’s normal. We all have to grieve, and you don’t need a therapist to do that. God Bless!