2 nights before my mother died, my husband, my father, my brother, my sister, a trusted friend (who is a doctor) and i sat in the den (in my parents’ house) talking about my mother’s fate. all seemed resigned to her dying. imminently. all except me. in fact, i think the reason for the meeting in the den that night was to somehow get me to let go of my mom.
and our friend the doctor listened to my explanation of why i thought we could stop the progression of the disease. he listened to my non medical opinion of all the ways we could try to reverse what had happened to her. and then he debunked my theories one by one, lovingly. assuring me that we did nothing wrong in how we cared for her. and i can pretend that after that meeting in the den, i understood and i let go. but that would be a lie.
i didn’t let go until my mom did. and i am still not at acceptance. crazy.
8 months later (march 8th will be 8 months later) i am looking at pictures from that time. and i came across one of my mother and me. this was about 2 weeks before my mom died. (while i was NOT believing it was the end).
denial does remarkable things to one’s mind.
some days the denial is still here and it tricks me into not remembering, not thinking about her, not wondering where she is now that she’s gone.
but other days, i can’t stop thinking about my mom.
today is one of those days.
here is my mom early on in treatment…laughing with my sister and me.
i think it is better to focus on the happy memories.
far less haunting although just as sad.
xxx
jennifer
aim: whateverradio
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
twitter: jennifer hutt
Danna says
Your mom was beautiful.
Arlene says
You were a GREAT daughter Jennifer
Courtney says
You shouldn’t feel bad about grieving (title of your blog) if people don’t want to read about your grieving then they should do just that, don’t read.
I enjoy reading your blog no matter the topic, your mom or your colon!
Karen says
Jennifer, I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain that continues to go along with it. The pain in some form may always be there, but I pray you find a way to deal/live with it. You know you were fortunate to have a loving, fun mother. You know she would want you to live your best life. Make her proud and honor her by doing so.
Lori says
((Jennifer))
Thank you for writing about your grief so honeslty. It helps others who have/are going through the process. Rest in peace Bunny.
Emmy says
What is clear in the photo of Bunny is what effect that horrible disease had on her body – what is REALLY REALLY CLEAR in the picture is the sheer force of her spirit shining thru – making that one of the most beautiful mother/daughter pictures I’ve seen. Keep hanging in there Jennifer. Thank you for the blog entry.
Mer says
Hi Jennifer,
I think the best thing you can do for yourself(and your family) is to go to “grief support group” It’s a group of people who share their losses…and a loss it is that you have had..a trememdous one to lose a parent so soon. Somehow sitting in the room, listening to others (and not running out of the room) share their tragic losses, we get better. Our pain lessens somewhat.
I would recommend that you do it the sooner the better. Years and years of this suffering can go by. You have to do something to RESOLVE YOUR PERSONAL LOSS. This is what I recommned. God speed and bless you.
Jill says
What great pictures Jennifer. She certainly is proud of you.
Angela from Ottawa says
Your Mom looks like she had a great laugh. Her whole face lights up. Take as long as you need to grieve.
Laura M. says
Absolutely focus on the good memories, that’s what gets us through. Your mother was a beautiful woman. I loved when she called in. I don’t think the grieving ever ends but you learn how to deal with it. You’re doing good. It’s still so new.
Julie says
Gotta love Bunny, Keep pushing through this Jennifer, it takes time.
Anna says
Everyone grieves in their own way. Take as much time as you need. I lost my father to cancer almost 11 years ago and I still miss him everyday. Remember your mom will always be with you.
lindsay from pittsburgh says
what great pictures. your mom must have been an amazing woman. you will get through this.
Lori from Colorado says
sending peaceful thoughts to you
lil says
Do not sell yourself short. Yours was the voice and spirit of hope, not denial. If I were in your mother’s situation, yours would be the position I would value, not that of those willing to accept the opinion of medical experts. Hope trumps pragmatism. The fact that you hold your mother dear to your heart is a tribute. Grieve, but do so without missing a moment of your own motherhood.
Sally says
Whom amongst us would not share your feelings?
When it enters my head, I live in dread of the day my Mother leaves me.
Annie says
Jennifer,
It’s unfortunate that a few knuckleheaded readers (and commenters), with their nasty remarks leave you feeling you must defend yourself when you are sad and thinking of your dear mom. Don’t let those people dissuade you from blogging about her. We love to hear about Bunny and we admire your family and the love you all share with each other, for each other. Woe the poor person who doesn’t have that love in his or her own life. Those are the naysayers.
Time is the only healer – and talking about it and in your case, through a visible blog. That’s perfectly fine.
My dad has been gone for a bit over 4 years. Hard to believe how quickly that time has flown by. It does get easier. Your photos and memories are priceless
Take care.
Very Gay Mike in Boston says
You made me cry. I’M SO SORRY FOR YOUR SADNESS.
bernadette says
Seriously your posts about your mom make me cry. I really hope that my children will love me this much! Love these posts about your mother- they are your best!
Sue/Indiana says
you’ve come a long way in 8 months…just take each day at a time…you have a lot of people out here who really care about you Jen.
Vinny says
This one really got to me. I am SO sorry.
NOLA says
I really enjoyed reading this post. Very honest.
Amy says
My dad has been gone for 6 years now. It does get easier, but I still miss and remember him everyday.
another amy says
I have pictures like that of my grandfather – I never saw it until he had passed. It’s difficult but proves that love makes everyone beautiful. It’s scary looking at them side by side but that’s okay. Life. Love. Crazy stuff.
Connie G says
What great pictures, so full of light. Deep breath in, out slow, your doing great.
Your writing helps all of us who are where you are, I’ve been there, since mothers day weekend 1976, but it’s not about me, I wanted to say that your doing great, and your words help others, keep talking and sharing with us. Your the reason we are here, oh and then there is that other one the one who does the baking, umm what’s her name again?
RN Jeff says
Jennifer, I lost my mom on Feb 13th (just 2 weeks ago). She died in her sleep and was found in the morning by my father. I know I share with you the anger, frustration, and heaviness I now have. I disappointed her the last 6 months of her life, and although I know I need to remember all the good times we shared, all the laughter, all the joy… however, I am fixated on how disappointed she was in me since I disclosed my drug addiction to her. I can only hope that I can move on from this………….this has been the worst thing to ever happen to me and my family…. Nurse Jeff……….
Tiffany P says
Jennifer, I say fuck anyone who gives you shit about still dealing with your loss, but really, who are they to say how long the grieving process should last? I believe that all you are going through is a part of your journey through loss. I really enjoy how honest you have been on your blog, and appreciate you sharing your journey with us.
Robin K says
I am sorry you have to go through the process of losing a close person to you. It is truly a horrible experience and there is nothing that you can do to make it go faster. Just take as much as you can and then let it go.
I lost my 24 year old daughter to suicide last July and I am just a mess. I see her in my mind’s eye and take it in and then when the pain is too much I let it go. back and forth with torture. take care jen i hope you will be free of pain one day
christina says
very profound, did you and your mom have a closeness that your sibling didn’t share? I think thats nice and special and perfectly fine. Lucky you
karen h says
I have one blessing to offer you: my father died of a massive heart attack on his birthday 40+ years ago. I still miss him and regret that he did not live to see his grandchildren grow up. But what you had, and I, and many others didn’t, was the opportunity to say ‘goodbye, I love you, thank you’. Be grateful that you and your mom were able to have that closure and that those things were not left unsaid.
Bearz says
Hey Jennifer, it’s ok for you to take as much time as you need. There’s no set “official” time period for grieving. Those who’d tell you otherwise,fear their feelings. It’ll happen when it’s right for you. You don’t have to feel stressed to hurry up & “get over it.” For what it’s worth, l had a NDE in the 80’s. I’m definitely not religious. I can tell you, that life, continues for you both. Have a great week, I know good things are ahead of you.
grandmajo says
your mom was beautiful.
your comments very helpful.
thank you for sharing this.
Stefania says
Jennifer even though their was much pain and sadness the love is clearly visible in both yours and your mothers eyes, wonderful memories even though so very sad!! The laughter is fabulous…what wonderful daughters you are to have been able to make her laugh so completely!!
Aisha says
Thank you for writing so honestly and lovingly about your mother. Your insights are touching and wise.
Peggy says
Her love is all around you. The posters above care about you immensely (most of them) and are sharing such wisdom. Fifteen years after I held my mom for the last time, I think of her (and my dad) every day, most times with a grin, sometimes a tear. I’m reiterating all of the above wisdom,but: know that she wants you to live life FULLY with courage, love and laughter and, if you can – go to that grief group – it helped me more than anyone else could. https://www.hunthosp.org/support/bereavement.htm
Marsha says
My mom passed away July 30, 2008. I am 41 years old and I believe that I will never be done with the grief process. Losing your mother, I believe, is one of the hardest things to face in life. You lose a friend, a mother, someone who knew you from the time you were born and whose love just kept growing. I’m sorry for your loss and I completely understand what you are going thru. I still wonder if I am going to survive this.
God bless you and your family!
Jen says
I’m impressed that you can even look at pictures of your mom. It took me a long time to be able to do that–and I don’t mean pictures of her sick. The pictures of her vibrant, young, and healthy were absolute torture.
It may not help, but I think you really are doing well.
Gail C (WI) says
Jennifer-Thank-you for sharing your thoughts and your pain. I am so fotunate to have both parents, but as they are in their mid 80’s I have this ahead of me and my Mom and I are so very close. You help me understand and enjoy what we have now. Love the show, love the blogs
E.J. says
I’m inspired and amazed that from the depths of your grief, you continue to bring joy to so many people.
Love you.
You are STILL a good daughter.
joann says
jen, when my brother died – his then girlfriend married him in the hospital so she could have custody of his kids. It was beautiful and sad at the same time. She was (is) a wonderful woman and is still involved in the kids lives (they are both out of the house and on their own now.) However, I found pictures from that time period a while back and they made me sick to my stomach. I threw them all out. I don’t want to ever be reminded via a picture of how sick my brother was again. I prefer to remember him in a healthy way. Listen, I finally realized that if I focus on the negative, I will be negative. If I focus on the sad, I will be sad. Emotions cannot live inside of any of us unless we feed them! Take care and I hope you find peace so you can move forward in your own way.
c.n. says
Jennifer………..
It doesn’t make it any easier, but one must remember that life is a process that we go through. As the Buddhists have said, “Nothing is forever”
We must go through the stages of grief, and you certainly are doing that.
Often, we are sad for ourselves.We miss our mothers, our protectors, our security blanket.
Slowly, we realize that we are the grown-up now, and we have to be the protectors and security blanket for the ones left behind.
You will always miss your mother (most of us do). You will always love her.
Follow her good examples, and your mother will continue to live in you and through you.
Robin says
Jen, you won’t be over this for a long time. It will get easier after a few years but when you love someone like a family member or spouse that you talk to constantly and have so many memories with….it is HARD. I lost my Dad and Brother two years apart. Aside from my husband they were the most important men in my life. I felt lost and completely heartbroken. Seriously. HEARTBROKEN. Dad had a stroke at 65 and my brother was killed in a carwreck leaving me feeling lost and alone (i was not married yet). Anyway, my point is it was so,so hard to wrap my mind around it and honestly, I didn’t get better for a long time. So, don’t expect to move on as quickly as you had hoped. Your just in beginning of trying to understand this thing.
Leah says
Thankyou for the photos of your mother, so beautiful she was. I lost both my parents in the same year–I tried a grief support group. Unlike the other writer it didn’t help me. I don’t think the photo you put up is negative as someone suggested, I’m afraid it’s life at the moment. It’s not beautiful in the popular definition, but neither is it negative, it’s real. What it is –is love between mother and dauthter.
Marlene says
Hi Jenn, You have actually helped me deal with my moms illness and the passing of her on Valentines Day. Her lungs just gave out and her liver stopped working from too much meds after a battle of 2 1/2 months in the hospital. But reading about your loss has helped me. This is all new to me and I have lots of denial days. I keep thinking she is away and I will see her again then when a few days go by I break and cry again… It hurts a lot to think I will never see her again. Thanks you for your blog!
straight up says
You make me cry and miss my dad. It’s so hard, I know. Huge hug!
Victoria in austin, tx says
Jennifer, as hard as it is for me to know my dad died just six years older than I am now, and I watched him waste away from AIDS; I cannot conceive how he would have felt losing his daughter. My mom is still with us. She’s 74 and works full time, at night as a psychiatric social worker. When I think of how horrible it will be to lose her, I think how would it be if she lost her child, me. She would never recover from that. At least as adult children we know somewhere in our healthy self that, it is normal for our parents to leave us. Even if they die young as our parents did. Would you want her to go through the grief of losing her child, you? Try to look at how she would feel if she knew your grief was so deep. She wants you to laugh and live and be sweet…and you are.
said with affection,
Victoria
Teresa says
Your process of growth will be a blessing to others, especially your children.
Louise says
Jennifer,
I’m coming up on my Dad’s B-day and 1 year anniversary of his death, I swear I can still hear his voice in my head, I have cried everyday since March 30, I seem to just miss him more and more. I have to believe it gets more bearable as everyone says. Here’s hoping Heaven gives us more merry days. you are a wonderful woman!
uc in watertown, MA says
I am so sorry it hurts.
Andrea says
Last Friday was the 1 year anniversary of my Mom’s sudden and unexpected death. We will never get over it. God does work for good and that’s the only thing that helps me through and the fact that we will see her in heaven. We want her here now, but we must move on. You are not alone in your grief. Never stop sharing how you feel.
Danja from Lincoln, NE says
The loss of someone never goes away and does get better when we focus on all the good times and memories together. One thing I keep in mind as I lost my Mother 4 years ago, it that I am a better person for having her in my life, and I have a special angel watching over me and my family now.
jan says
Jennifer, how dare you veer from the grief calendar! Relax-there is no timetable or formula. You sound totally normal to me. Everything in this year is full of firsts’-you never experienced life, birthdays, holidays, etc… without your Mom. It’s a huge, sad, weird adjustment.
Glenn says
OMG! I was watching this totally trashy show about rich housewives in New York, and one of their mother’s was a dead ringer for your mom! You’ve got to check it out.
CKNJ says
What do you do with the pain? This question has been haunting me since the day my mother, father, grandmother,and two 2 best friends died ( very close in time proximity). Some would say I have had enough time to “deal with the loss”. Comments as such are like bubbles children play with…….whole at first, visible – then they break and dissapate quickly. The pain is always there, surges up when sparked by a memory, a lesson taught, an occasion, a smell, a location, anything….and everything. Most days I try to cope, but pain can be a funny thing……especially heartache…sometimes it’s much more invasive than we can even imagine….
Yikes says
That is one scarey picture.
Nick says
Every time that you write about your Mother I realize how fortunate I am to have my own Mom still around. Your writing is so emotionally raw and deeply loving that I’m sure you help those of us who have yet to deal with the loss of that most important person, Mom. Thanks again for sharing.
June says
A story for Jen: My Dad was doing some electrical work for a church in our small town. He was up on a ladder working on the electrical box outside when he was electrocuted and blown from the ladder onto the ground. He said he floated up out of his body and could see himself laying on the ground. He floated all over the town and could see everything. He could see his buddy several blocks away loading up a cooler of beer in the boat, getting ready to go fishing. He said it was the most wonderful feeling he had ever experienced. He could even hear the blades of grass blowing in the breeze. Then, BAM, all of a sudden he was back on the ground in his body and hurting like hell. Other than some burns, he was fine. Days later, he asked his buddy if he went fishing that day. And of course he had! So, when Dad was suffering through cancer (multiple myeloma) years later, he said he wasn’t afraid to die. He’s gone now and I miss him every day. But I thought I should give you the inside scoop that Dad and I knew.
Annette in CA says
Thank you for sharing such personal photos of you and your beautiful mom.
Leslie says
What I learned about grief (my dad and stepmother who is the woman I consider mother died within 2 years of one another) is that it NEVER goes away. It becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it.
Now that I’ve had a few surgeries (the most recent being ACL reconstruction a year ago), I now liken the grief to the scar on my knee. It doesn’t bother me the way it initially did but it is always there. It’s part of who I am. I can no more make it go away than I can that scar.
The grief does get easier to live with. Some years, on my dad’s birthday I tear up and get weepy and other years, I say “today was Daddy’s birthday. I really miss him.” It’s been 14 years this July so maybe that helps you put it into perspective.
tevo says
Don’t ever, ever let anyone make you feel guilty about grief. The only way to move through it is to allow yourself to feel it. If your friends or family grow weary of joining you, figure out a way to do it alone. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity to live fully and love deeply. Just let it flow. It will continue to suck for a long time…and then one day it won’t suck as much.
Laura from Michigan says
Jennifer, I am 26 and lost my Mom suddlenly a year ago. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t spoken to her in a while and reach for my cell phone :). It is so difficult losing a Mom-there are so many things that she did not get to see. I feel sad for her and for myself for taht. It is up to us- the surviving daughters that the memory of our fantastic Mom’s are carried forward in the future. Much love to you and your family as you make it thru the first year.
amyrabuf says
I might have already said this to you. As time goes by you heal, you feel less sorry , less loney but you will never never forget. In a sense you will never let go, never let go of any of the time you spent with your mother or her memories. Time makes life easier but still she is not their so you will never let go. There will always be a time you cry and are sad but I and you know you will never let go to the person you will never see again and will always love more than life itself. I know this to be true. It is 10 years Todd, my younger brother has passed and I can never let go. Crazy as it seems sometimes I lay on top of his grave and ask him to come back because I miss him so much. Most of the time he’ll light his cig. for me or let me dream about him. That helps me. I know he’s dead but I can’t let go of him much less laugh and be happy when I’m at a party filled with brothers and sisters mothers and fathers. It’s terrible to feel this way but he is in my heart, he is here like it was yesterday asking the nurse to stitch up his hand he cut on a piece of copper. I will never let go of him. Why did this have to happen to me. When I am 80 like my mom, I’m almost sure I will be alone and still I would never let go of my baby brother Toddie. Amy
jada says
if u want to make grieving a recurrant theme to your blog, do it. do whatever helps you – it’s not all about us
debs - Senor's Mommy - he says Hello btw says
Hey Jenn,
It has only been eight months. I hate to say only. But for me it has been seven years. It only gets easier. I couldn’t control how feelings came up. They just did. After a while I found that it did get easier to sincerely celebrate who my mother was without thinking about the fact that I was conscious of what I was feeling. I totally understand what you are going through. Your Mom was a gem and I am glad that you share your experience of losing her with me (all of us). It’s going to be however it will be- however – it will OK. The love never left!!
debs
Jaymi says
Jennifer, I say this every time I post -but thank you for being so honest about your Mom. These posts always make me cry & this one was no exception.
I wanted to share this with you…My husband’s father died 22 years ago today from cancer. He was only 40 years old, my husband was 20. We were dating at the time and wow, was that tough. My husband is pretty quiet about his Dad, but this morning he broke down crying and said he can’t believe how much time has passed and how much he still misses his Dad. Even after ALL this time. You deserve to take ALL the time you need. I’m sure that your posts are helping many others in the same situation.
Take care, Jaymi
Juls says
That picture of your Mom laughing made my day! She looks so very happy there! Good one to remember her by! Keep it close at hand, for all your sad days!
Kathy says
Jennifer- Just lost my mom on Valentines day. She was so sick but I had myself talked into believing she would get better. We just want our moms to live forever. I know she is in a better place now but I wake up sad every day knowing I will never be able to pick up the phone and call her again. Stay strong and i’m sure it will get a tiny bit better every day.
nursekenny says
Jennifer,
those are such darling pictures of you and you mom. She looked very happy and full of love. That is the best thing, to know that you are loved, and from the pic’s she was. Her eyes sparkle when she laughs. She knew you loved her and she loved you.. Hold stead fast to her memories.
Luciana - From Brazil says
Jennifer, believe you or not, I spent a lot of time last night, during a boring working trip, trying to sleep, but…I could not, just because I was thinking in every person in my life, mainly in my mother, because we have some issues to be solve/done, without talk about them with her…And I saw your Mar,01st blog…Nobody is perfect, and we can give to each one, the love that we CAN give…I am sure that your mommy knows that, both had a good time…And I am trying to do the same with my mommy, just because like you, I want to remember just the good things!!!!
God bless you!!
PS: IF Alexis read this, please, ask her to not destroy me with “my English”, because I am doing my best in another language!
Kisses
Elaine says
Jennifer, your mom was lovely. I thought I somehow understood what you were going through on some level. Now as I sit here waiting for a call about my grandfather who is about to pass away, I realize the pain you must be feeling is tremendous. “Sorry for your loss” doesn’t seem like strong enough words. I realized this week that there just aren’t strong enough words in our language.
You and your family continue to be in my thoughts.
dansi18 says
Jennifer, you make me feel my mortality and for that I am grateful! I am your mother’s age and who knows if I will be here tomorrow. Therefore, I really need to be happy today and greateful for what I have! I’ve had much sadness in my life. In fact, I have a picture taken of my husband when he was in the last stages of his fight with cancer and it hurts to see your mother at that same time in her life. Hang in there, it does get easier, it just takes a lot of time.
Grief Stricken says
Jennifer…
A Shrink once asked the family following our Mother’s death due to
her loss of lungs due to smoking.
Asked:
” If your Mother had died due to an sudden accident rather than a slow painful death how do you think you would feel about it?”
Answer:
” Watching my Mother suffer and die slowly was pretty painful. Seeing her hooked up to a oxegyn tank and the wall to survive was awful as well..
What method would i have wanted for her to die you ask?”
I guess a quick accident so she would not have had to suffer as she did.
” She smoked and kept smoking even upon learining smoking was killing her'[ and us watching her do that]
My mother even in her misery made me so angry when she said:
“I’m dying from smoking and I loved every puff’
_______
Sad jennifer…?
Only you and I know how sad[ sad] really is don’t we ?
Linda in Pittsburgh
Hot Flashes says
Life is great till you get HOT FLASHES it is pure HELL!!
Sonya says
Your mother looks like she’s at peace. The photo of her laughing is wonderful! I can’t imagine how hard it must be but my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Carilyn says
I lost my mother to cancer almost 23 years ago. She was only 59 yrs. old, and I was only 27 yrs. old when it happened. I miss her so much, as though it was yesterday. Keep the happy memories of your mother close to your heart, and think of them when you miss her and cry. My son and daughter never met her, they were born years after she died, I keep her memories alive by talking to them all of the time about their “grandma in heaven”. Infact, I even named my daughter after her. Mothers are very special, and you were no doubt very special to her. It’s hard to be a mother, and not have your own mother. Keep being a good mom to your children, and through you, your mother’s memory will shine threw. Take care of yourself, and know that I truly understand your loss. God will keep you strong, and always know your mother is smiling down upon you, always. How lucky we were to have known our own mothers for as long as we did. I will pray for your daily strength. God Bless.
Mica says
I realized while going through my grief (it’s been over a year now) that the closer you are to the patient, the HARDER it is to see the truth. Don’t beat yourself up for that, it stared you in the eye and you just didn’t see it. That’s ok, you see it now. Grief is a journey Jen, that’s why friends and strangers even (listners) can be there to support eachother. Hang in there. You help me too by sharing your grief. THANKS.
Mica
xoxo
Liz says says
I recently lost my Mother, Jennifer. I miss her terribly. I truly believe our Mother is our best friend. Your Mom will come to you in your dreams, or has he already ? She may even tell you not to be sad as she is in a better place and is happy again as she has her health back. I find it helpful to talk to my Mother while I am alone driving in my car. No one can hear me. Ha ! The crying comes in waves and I sometimes lose it at the most unexpected times. So many things will remind me of her. Sweet dreams.
Love your show. Liz
Lizzie says
My sister passed away 10+ years ago from Breast Cancer. It’s amazing how we humans work…the transgression from memories of death to life that happen when you don’t even know it, is incredible. I never thought that I would be able to think of her in any other way other then dying. Now I never think of her that way, only of her when she was laughing and happy. Even when a memory pops up in my head, it’s always of a good time. It’s a cliche, but time heals all wounds. Be patient.
`
Erin from Pittsburgh says
I listen to the show every day; however, I haven’t kept up with reading the blogs. Checking in quickly tonight because I am allowing myself the time…reading about your mom and seeing the photos again causes me to write…Jennifer, you are so sweet and I feel so bad that Bunny isn’t here with you physically. I think it’s wonderful that you share yourself with us like you do. It helps us with whatever ails us. For some, it is a similar loss; for others, perhaps a deep sadness for who knows what. But the connection you put out there helps.
Lisa says
Jennifer, I so feel your pain. It has been almost four years since I lost my mom to cancer. These days I mostly think of her and smile although there are some days I still want to scream and cry about the unfairness of it all and the fact that I miss her so much. Cancer really does suck.
Hugs…
ondine says
I still cant believe my mother is gone..she was such a force and it is just not right that she is gone. Never will be.Guess it is another reason why its- no- fun- being- a- grown- up. Cancer is a horror. You seem a lot like your Ma..
annie says
my mom just died 6 weeks ago, and i understand exactly what you mean. i even thought as we traveled from the west coast where we live to the east coast where she lived with my father that they simply made a terrible mistake – she could not possibly be dead. some days are easier than others. it is day by day and moment by moment. i wonder if the happier moments will ever feel happy again. everything makes me sad. i miss her and the memories only seem to amplify that.