if you listened to yesterday’s show, i talked about crying in a small restaurant in nyc (b-bap).
i was sad because i had received an email (on my surgically attached blackberry) with the text that will be inscribed on my mother’s headstone (it is actually not a headstone since she is in a mausoleum but i don’t know how to refer to it).
anyway, last night i took half a xanax because i couldn’t calm down. and this morning i am laughing at my inner dialogue about whether it is ok to take one xanax/month.
i know it is ok. and i know i am ridiculous. and i like to share my irrational moments with you because maybe you’re feeling irrational about something too and will be comforted by knowing you are not alone!
xxx
jennifer
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It’ ok Jennifer, we all have them. I lost my Mom just over a year ago and I still cry when I hear a joke that she used to tell. Or when I hear a little used word that she would use. We all have them.
you are in inspiration to me…thank you for letting me know i am not alone… you’re not crazy or anything like that…. you have one of the biggest, most loving hearts i’ve ever seen…..
Not ridiculous at all.
Dear Jennifer,
I am a very rational, educated woman whose mind is currently letting me down while dealing with some very difficult things. I know better than to allow the irrational to take hold. And, I know that all positive thinking that I can muster could easily overpower the anxious thoughts that swirl in my mind. But, somehow I can’t find the strength to keep the positive going.
I, too, have the silly conversations with myself that seem to help me get through each moment. I have cried in MANY restaurants. Friends and family are going to stop taking me out to lunch!
Your honesty makes me smile. And, helps me. Thank you.
How boring we’d be if it weren’t for irrational moments-they’re what provide the balance and make us human. As it is also human to grieve–at your own speed and how you do so is entirely up to you. Grieving is the first and biggest step toward healing. I didn’t hear your show–wish I could, but don’t have satellite radio here. Love the tv shows–what a hoot!
Jennifer, I have written to you before. I was in a 10 year relationship that ended last year right after one of my two dogs had a spinal injury. She is paralyzed in her back legs. Now I can’t compare those two things to your loss but trust me I when I am walking them around the city streets and crying, people are looking at me like I am crazy – which maybe I am…but reading about your pain and healing helps me more than you know.
Jennifer you are not alone, we are women therefore we have tons of irrational moments everyday.(even more when we have kids) And all we can do is laugh. Yesterday my almost 4 year old son decided he was spider man and that it was a good idea to climb to the top of our built in buffet. The buffet has a counter and shelving that goes to the ceiling! He was hanging from the top shelf! I pulled him down, screamed my head off and then for about 5 serious minuets thought about how I could rip all the shelving out and fix the wall before my husband got home. Really?!
Thanks Jennifer…I just found a doctor who told me to I didn’t have to apologize for “how” i am anymore, I’m just wired that way (how refreshing to hear). I might take a xanax every few months because i just can’t turn my head off. I think quickly and thoughts swirl around in my head. It’s like i am on high alert (actually, I am) and that is okay…it’s just how i am. I think quickly and my mind zips from one subject to another…FAST, LOL!
I appreciate your honesty through your blog.
Jen: Please don’t feel bad about taking a Xanax every now and then. I keep a bottle in my purse at all times just in case. Everybody needs a little help from time to time.
You’re not being ridiculous Jennifer, that was a very emotional message you received. I’d like to say time heals, but perhaps only in the rawness of the emotion. My dad passed away 6 years ago and the other morning I happened to pass the hospital where he was taken by ambulance after suffering a fatal heart attack at home. Wouldn’t you know – I saw an ambulance parked in the emergency area and started to tear up. The strangest things will continue to remind you of your mom (like that foam heart!) but they are good things. Take care!
It is certainly understandable..you are not alone, all of us who have lost one or both parents at a young age can relate. My warm wishes are with you…both you and Alexis are very honest with your feelings and we, your listeners, appreciate that…
Dear Jenny,
You make me laugh because I’m just as neurotic as you. In fact, you could have been one of my sisters. When our Mom died and we were by her bedside I’m convinced the nurses thought we were nuts – laughing hysterically one minute and crying the next. You’re great, and it does help to know there are other people like me. Thanks for sharing. Keep on laughing/crying, and sharing.
Jennifer, everyone handles death of a loved one different, so if you have to take your once a month xanax, well go for it. Also, FYI about the b-bap restaurant they have been cited with 39 violation points. Unclean toliet areas, handwashing and keeping food heated. Scary!!!
Girl, I took three xanax yesterday to meet with the principal of my school (PTA issues), and that only slightly kept me from losing my cool. You take whatcha gotta take.
I didn’t catch yesterday’s show, but I am a frequent visitor of your blog… I can’t even begin to tell you how normal your feelings are…each and every one of them.
My mom passed away 3 yrs ago– she was a young 67. My dad passed a year later. My sis and only sibling passed 15 yrs ago at an even younger 36.
I remember the day I got the call for the inscription of my mom’s stone which was “Her best Outfit Was Her Smile” as well as few other things written.. It was a very surreal moment with many mixed emotions. I recall wanting to inscribe some words from The Tracey Ulman Show which was , “OH-GO-HOME!” which Tracey would say at the end of each show… my mom LOOOVED that show (and would always say those words after the end of my visits with her, waving her hands just like Tracey!– she knew I didn’t want to leave).
Fast forward 3 yrs, and I can cry in the middle of nowhere at times when I’d least expect. You seem to be a beautiful soul and I wish you only peaceful days ahead. You are NOT ridiculous…you do not seem “irrational” at all…. and it is SO ok to take a xanax if that’s what it takes to calm you along this very difficult time.
Wishing you peace ~
Dear Jennifer, You are not irrational. You are grieving and it’s a natural process that will leave you worn out some days. Hugs XO
My mother died of cancer 18 years ago on Christmas Day. The grieving process continues and often takes me by surprise… in the car, at the grocery store, at work… moments where I suddenly remember her face or voice and begin to cry. Grieving is not a “period of time”, it’s an ongoing process and an emotional link we have to those we have lost. You are definitely not alone.
I hear you Jennifer. But my internal dialog is about whether or not 4 boxes of Tic Tacs a day requires some sort of intervention.
Peace to you and yours.
Jennifer, I wish you peace. I am so sorry about your mother’s death. Your mom sounds like an incredible person. It’s no wonder that you miss her so much.
OK OK OK OK Already —
I lost my mother to cancer, too. 16 years ago. I still can cry over her. I still miss her. I still feel terrible for her and her grandchildren that they never got to know each other. Can you please start a diary OFFLINE???
Jen, I am right there with you. My mom only passed away on Velentine’s day and my sis dad and I went on Tuesday to pick out my moms headstone. We where all really strong and did a great jog while there as soon as I got home I had my melt down…tears where flowing out of control, yesterday I had a really sad day. So yes I can relate, this feels so unreal to me! Oh I took my xanax too.
half a xanax is nothing! do what you need to do to get through–maybe more xanax. I don’t know. But, I think it’s one of those “steady blood level state” kind of drugs, not like tylenol for a headache.I hurt for you.
I go through one bottle of QTY 20 Xanax about every eight months Its a joke BUT Try going without then when you reallllly need one??? You cannot. SO Id rather have a ridiculously small bottle and hardly use, but at least HAVE IT when I need it than have none at all?
Does that make sense? hahaha
Liz in The 503
How I wish there were some magical words of comfort to say to you. I am so terribly sorry for how you are suffering over the loss of your Mom.
All I can tell you again is….time will ease the pain. You will always miss her, but in time the pain will not be so sharp.
Please know there are some of us out here who care.
After everything you have been through you deserve a WHOLE Xanax whenever you NEED one. Pharmaceuticals are a necessary evil. I couldn’t live without them.
Xanax got my sister and I through my father’s death and my mother’s and we only took it when we thought we were falling apart, and always took a half…go for it, it won’t hurt.
It’s been twenty years since my sisters and I lost our mom to cancer radiation therapy. The loss is still as sharp, but she comes to me in dreams and in her constant daily voice. You will not loss her voice. It took me two years to loose the grief, crying. I am crying now. You will get through this, but never over it. Thank you for sharing.
Jennifer,
Xanax can be a beautiful thing every now and then. Of course I get a little OCD when I take one also, like as I’m getting on a plane, “what if this particular Xanax makes me an addict?” Thank god for my dozen a year that get me over the humps in life.
You know, my beloved Dad died when I was 14…August 23, 1979. I grieve for him to this very day. Yes I have a happy, very big life; an adoring spouse, 3 amazing kids…but still my Daddy is gone. Time makes things much better, it won’t always be this raw, but when you least expect it grief will rear it’s ugly, painful head and bite you on your ass. She is (not was) your Mom, always will be. No one in the world will ever fill that for you but her. Grieve, just do it. Get it out, you’ll be much healthier for it in the long run. Eight months is nothing, and don’t let anyone tell you it’s time to move on. Do this at your pace.
Thinking of you, your sweet Mom, and my Dad today. Peace be with you!!
Min
jen, you need a crutch now – so do what you need to do until you can deal with your feelings.
Thank god I found your radio show. I know this sounds crazy but I feel like a cross between you and Alexis. I will never understand what exactly makes us the way we are but I am learning over time that I am not as unique in my “craziness” as I thought I was. I am so glad to see people talking openly about these kinds of feelings and thoughts. It was so much harder to deal with when I thought I was the only person with those thoughts and feelings. I fear my mothers passing often now though she isn’t ill. It feels good to know that I might be able to survive something that is unthinkable in my mind. You are a very kind and unselfish person sharing your personal thoughts and feelings so publicly and i find it comforting and inspirational.
Hi Jennifer, Sometimes the best “cure” is a good sleep. And see, you were “laughing at your own dialogue” in the morning. Thanks for sharing, it helps us all.
I think that I would have to take something daily. Don’t let 1/2 of xanax worry you. You are going through a very difficult time. Don’t feel guilty.
When are you and Alexis going to make more “Whatever Martha” shows. You are so funny! LOVE THEM!!!!!
After some time you will look to the side of your grief, and you will see how your experiences are helping many, many others deal and help cope with their own. What a gift this tragic situation has presented. Perhaps all that came before for you has lead you to this path…who knows. I do know your listeners and blog readers are fortunate. We are all in this together…the more help the better! P.S. And thanks for Xanax…it really does take the edge off! LOL
C
Jennifer–I have cried in restaurants over MUCH less…don’t worry about it. Let the tears flow when they must!!
jennifer, you are the best, your blogs always make me smile, laugh and sometimes cry. Today I am feeling very irrational about life in general, and really missing my dad and gran…it is nice to know that there are alot of us in the same boat!
xo
No one is compelling you to view this blog…suggest you find some other way to pass your time.
Hang in there girl!
On a happier note…Where is the ring you were going to post…”I wanta see, I wanta see” 🙂
Thank you for sharing once again. So generous. You’re fine, you’re normal, you’re doing very well going through the stages, and you’re letting people like me, who have also lost and miss their mother and father, know that someone else really, really understands.
Oh Jennifer, can I understand your feelings about this.
My little brother died last year and we ordered a bronze plaque with a natural stone that we got in Cutchogue, the town where he lived before he became very ill and still had a normal life. It was just a few years where he could live on his own and he loved the town so, for its beaches, fishing, boating and kind people, small town America at its finest. He was only 45 when he died and he only got to live on his own for about 5 years. He was sick for 30 years and my parents took care of him.
Anyhow, I have received a few emails at work of the proofs for the plaque and its really hard to take. I have to compose myself. Now it is finished, but because of the weather, his stone sits alone at the stonecutter’s and even that makes me feel guilty, that I am leaving him alone.
My emotions play tricks on me. The grief is so intense sometimes, just when I think I can’t bear it, I think of my Mother and it forces me to straighten up to be strong for her. Having also lost a sister, my Mother somehow soldiers on, but I can see that she is looking, looking always, for her missing children. Her face says, where are my children? This is the worst for me. I can’t bear witnessing how crushed she is. Losing a sibling is unbearable. I live in dread of losing my Mother, so my thoughts are with you.
Crying over your deep loss is rational. Taking xanax on occasion to deal with the anxiety of grief is rational. It all just feels insane because you feel out of control when that horrible grief monster takes over. I’m there with you….take care of yourself.
I am with you on your feelings about whether or not it’s ok to take xanax. I have major anxiety about flying and hoard my xanax for when “I really need them.” I was flying the other night and there was major turbulence, my legs were shaking uncontrollably because I was so scared and I could not reach my bag with my pills! Even if I had, we hadn’t been served water and my mouth was as dry as the desert and it would have attached itself to my throat and I would have been trying to make enough saliva to get it down. It obviously turned out fine, I took my pill as soon as they were able to serve water and yet I felt like I was not being “brave” even though I was truly frightened (yes, 35 and frightened like a child) and felt much relief after taking it. I know this is not related to dealing with the loss of a loved one but I can relate to the “whatever” that those pills hold over people. I feel like if I took mine more often, I’d be weak but I also like to know that they are there when I really need them to help me become more rational about the situation I am experiencing. I think instead of feeling weak, we should feel glad that we are in touch with what is going on and use them only when it is to the point where rationalizing is beyond our control. Love you guys! My son is a speech delayed 5 year old and the only thing that gets me through our twice a week afternoon speech therapy sessions is knowing that I am going to catch the second half of your show. You both help keep me sane!
I knew your Mother. She was a needlepointer and I worked a few hours a week at Rita’s Needlepoint in the City. She was such a sweet person and I cherish the book she gave me(The Elegant Epergne) when I moved to Newport with my Coast Guard husband. I lost my mother when I was 31. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish more than anything to have just 15 minutes with her. I’m 52 and have 2 daughters and a granddaughter and I still miss my Mom. Missing her keeps her memory fresh in my mind….I hope I never lose that longing.
My Mother has stage 4 lung cancer and I feel the worst when she is feeling her best. So seemingly irrational moments at no stranger in my life. But I don’t think your crying is irrational.
Sweetie, you are human.
xxoo
Irrational seems to be my name lately…I threw my husband a 50th birthday party and after I was fully drunk(which isn’t the bad thing here 🙂 I started crying and couldn’t stop. Crying because my almost 22y rold son joined the effing Army and I can’t do a thing about it. And we are not unpatriotic, nor are we anti-American. But we are so left and liberal in our spirit that we just cannot accept it as truth. His name is Alex and he reminds me so much of that show Family Ties with Michael J Fox, whose character was Alex P Keaton. The family of liberals and the one republican son…ugh! And lately I’ve been taking two Xanax a day! My grief is for the son I feel will die if not in body than in spirit.
The thoughts you have shared about your mother’s passing is a reminder of what my sisters and I went through when we lost ours. One day she was walking, talking, driving friends here and there and 4 weeks later, she was gone. Disbelief, anger, depression and uncontrollable crying for over a year and there still isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her, miss her or shed a tear and it has been three years. It’s the stupid little things that will bring on a crying jag – a pair of winter boots that she always wore, a silly ribbon she would use to wrap around a present or a sweet poem she wrote. Her passing has left a hole in my heart as she was my “earth angel”. On sad days, I put on her bathrobe, curl up on the couch and pretend she is still with me, so take all the time you need for it to become just ordinary.
I know how you feel Jen and it is okay to feel what you feel and also say thank you for sharing your inner thoughts with us. I lost my 24 year old daughter last July and get “those” moments very often of despair. Sometimes I take a xanax to take off the edge but not that often. Have to move through the extreme pain to find a new way to live with out my kid.
I hope one day you find your way….. take care
it is OK to take an xanax to calm you enough to deal with life. I have been asked to teach 2 grades in 2 rooms at the same time. 12 preschoolers and 14 kindergarteners with no extra body except my helper that is doing what I leave in one room while I am teaching in another , then we switch. I hate not being able to be a great teacher and giving the children what I beleive they should have each and everyday. I have been having panic attacks during the night. I take one half of an xanax to get me calm and to sleep. I haven’t used them since my brother died. At that time, I couldn’t handle life without him. I was able to get my emotions under control and to know that it was and is ok to laugh and that it wasn’t my fault and that I could not have prevented his death. Other than my job, life is good now.I will enjoy my real life while I am here. I focuse on the beauty of life, gardening,decorating, painting, many things that I enjoy. I take xanax when I need to, but not as often as I use to. I had to have a new mind set to be able to function normally. Xanax makes me sad. I cry very easily when I take them. I don’t want to cry over nothing. But I will cry when I need to. To release that tightness and emptiness when I miss my brother. But I must go on and go on peacefully for my brother because he loved this beautiful earth. and I will love it for him. Take care. Take care of yourself. Smile. Laugh. Love