and that’s ok.
working through it.
this time of year is tough.
spring time is supposed to be a time of rebirth.
and since last year’s rebirth time of year was actually a prelude to a death- my perception is sort of screwed me up.
it was this time last year that my mother’s illness started to win,
so i’ve forgotten how to enjoy spring. and possibly summer for that matter.
sure, i appreciate the sunny days and warmer weather but i’ve (still) got this nagging sadness. and i don’t like it. makes me want to stay in my bed under my covers.
but, of course, i can’t do that.
i went outside and took some pictures of our garden’s progress. (see april’s blog for other pictures)
amazing how things are starting to grow!
artichoke.
asparagus- which i am told grows once and then dies. and then grows again the following year and is edible then.
teeny tiny asparagus in david’s hand… this too is before it grows to real asparagus size (no pun intended in any of this)!
beets.
blackberries.
blueberry plant.
broccoli raab.
broccoli romanescu.
carrots.
corn.
popcorn.
garlic.
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peas.
lettuces.
onions.
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strawberries.
xxx
jennifer
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Looks great Jennifer. I want to try to plant asparagus next year!! It’s gonna be awesome to eat all of those fresh veggies out of your garden when they are ready!! You rock!
I think you should put a farmstand out in front of your house! I’ll be the first customer!
Jenn…garden looks great. What is David planning to do to keep pesky animals etc. out? Would like to know for my own garden, so if he has good ideas, please share. Feel better…Thanks!
..will the growing season be long enough in your zone for these tiny plants to mature? Has Martha been over to give her expert advice?
Congrats on a successful garden. How cute are those tiny asparagus?!
With all this spring and rebirth talk sounds like time for a baby at your house Jen…
Agreed, you better get yourself a great table and cash register or a HUGE freezer because wowzers are you going to have some fan-damn-tastick crop a coming! WOOT WOOT! That’s 1 heck of a garden. I’m sure Alexis will help you use up your crops! Can’t wait to see the progress and what you cook up!
Jenn – why don’t you plant something to remind you of your mom – that way everytime you look at it, there she will be looking back at you. Maybe one of her favorite trees or shrubs????
Hi, sister girl Jenny. Love the garden pics! FABULOUS! Sorry you’re feeling low. I’m in a GREAT mood. Just made Alexis’ choc chip cookies and they are divine. Have to run and help my hubby with his dinghy. Love ya. Cheer up!
Hi Jennifer!
Your garden looks great!
I’m no expert but the soil looks a little sandy. Have you had it checked/amended?
xkb
I know what you mean about the time of year. My sister committed suicide in the Spring, and there is something about the the light and the temperature that reminds me of it. It’s just not the same carefree time that it used to be. Probably never will be.
Dear Jennifer,
I think you would find solace in a community chorus. You have a fine voice and would be an asset to any singing group. I’ve recently returned to choral singing, and find it soul enriching. I think you would be terrific in Mama Mia as one of Mama’s friends. Maybe a little theater group in your area is doing a production. Why don’t you organize a production? Give yourself the lead role of the friend played by the English actress Julie somebody in the movie version. Heck, I’ll come to Long Island and represent you. Return to your singing. It would make Bunny happy, dammit. Alexis can bake brownies for the cast.
I am a new listener/viewer, so I am just learning about the passing of your mother. I am so very sorry. There are so many cliches flying around about how time heals all wounds and such, but it never helped me erase the pain. Sure, one day the pain may be less, but today, your pain is here and real and I would imagine, it sucks. Just take things one day at a time. Sometimes that needs to be broken down into smaller increments, but if one hour or one minute works better, so be it. Just be gentle with yourself. Take care.
Respectfully,
Julie
I haven’t been checking in as much (had to give up sat. radio to keep up with the economy. I love, love, love the garden growth pics and I wish I had enough land to do the same. I have a lemon and a lime tree that I planted two years ago and I just noticed they are sprouting fruit!!!
Hi Jennifer
I understand your feelings. Was doing ok then saw the Farrah Special last night and was sick to my stomach remembering all the things when my Dad went thru it in 07…was truly sick to my stomach.
So I do understand how low you could be feeling.
Have you thought about maybe a scholarship or something in your Mom’s name for a child or adult that has faced cancer or maybe aiding a family while they are going thru this? I find that the best way for me to start feeling better is to do something for someone else..maybe as a tribute to your wonderful Mom…something easy is picking a nursing home with someone there that has no family and spending an hour with them or dropping off a box of special things just for them.
Just remember that your Mom wouldnt want you to be so sad..I know my Dad wouldnt want me to be that way either..
Keep talking about it..always good to get your feelings out.
-Suzi
looks great ! keep your head up!!
Can’t imagine having a garden like that! So amazing…
Jennifer… Your garden WILL be great…sooner or later. We had a wonderful garden till all our trees grew up and the squirrels came in the 100’s…..garden NO MORE. You Will Also be Sad Sad Sad For Many Years After Losing Your Mama. I was older than you (49) when I lost my Mama to Cancer. 6 months from diagnosis to death….and no one to make/do/agree to her decisions but me! But anyway…it has been a little over 11 years now…. I still miss her terribly (she does visit occasionally…. ) But I am also at peace with her passing. She is no longer in a pain I can help her with…now a place I can do anything for her. It has taken a long time to come to grips with this, and I am really, really sorry for such a long post. But …one day ..you, also, will realize that your mama is still with you, but not with you and also not in pain. I Love You, Girl….even though, you do not know me!
Brenda
How cute is your little veggie garden? ADORABLE!! I bet it’ll all be delicious too.
What nice straight rows! Good job. Enjoy the garden and be sure to buy netting for the blueberry bushes to keep the birds away.
Your garden looks amazing. What a wonderful variety of plants. A friend told me that artichokes put out beautiful flowers if you don’t pick the artichokes themselves. Would you let one of them flower and then take a picture of the flower. I’d love to see it. Thank you Jennifer.
P.S. I think the sadness you feel is normal and the fact that you know you can’t give in to it is a positive thing. It won’t ever really go away, you’ll just put it farther back in your mind, you’re doing just fine.
Jennifer remember that your Mom is not
suffering anymore. I lost my Dad the same time as your Mother and I know what your feeling. In May we found out the bad news.I also am having a hard time.
your mom wouldnt want you to be sad. try to make her proud everyday. your garden is amazing! that looks like some good food for the summer!! 😀
Yesterday was the 11th year anniversary of my brother Todd’s death and I know exactly how you feel. The first yr he died my husband and I went to London. I remember being miserable. I didn’t want to do anything except stay in the room. I was so sad and mad and I still get that way. It just doesn’t leave me alone @ times. Thanks for posting your garden pictures. It looks like the plants are doing pretty well. Amy
do you plan on thinning out the rows? do you plan on trellising the blackberry? dont forget tender baby lettuce leaves– is it not true– harvest lettuce to promote new growth
Nice job on your little seedlings! The baby asparagus are too cute! I wish I had room to grow the amazing things that are in your garden!
hi, me again. cheer up, jenny! the garden is gorgeous and so are you. you are gorgeous inside and out! Gotta run. my husband’s dinghy needs cleaning!
Seems like it takes lots of patience to be a gardener. Please keep us updated on the progress.
Hi Jennifer,
You are doing very well handling your grief. After Dad died it took almost over a year for the major grief and sadness to go away. I have so many great memories and I am sure your and yours do as well. Maybe you should dedicate the garden in your mom’s name. The garden looks great and I wish you the best this summer. You are truely a remarkable person.
Jennifer, the garden looks great. A metaphor for all to come.
jen, I just spent all day today helping my dad get his vegetable garden ready so he can plant all his “seedlings” that he grows indoors in the winter(he’s 78) later this week which agai, I will drive out from the city and help him since he can’t do all the work himself anymore. The more I dug away, the more I thought that I cannot imagine my dad or mom not being here and I’m 52 years old. The mere thought of it made me sick to my stomach. So I totally get what you mean despite the fact I still have both my parents. You need to feel however you need to feel and not try to stop it or berate yourself for not feeling “spring-like” aka happy. I think you have a bittersweet happiness now. Yes, you are happy about warmer weather, but it brings back alot of memories and most f them were not good. So feel how you feel. There is no right or wrong about it. Talk about it all you need. The only way out of it is through it.
Hey Jennifer,
thanks for the update on the garden. everything looks great. keep your chin up!
Dear Jen,
Those veggies sure are coming up strong!!! We r growing just one veggie so far, Jalapeno, just one plant, doing wonderful also!!! I’m so unhappy knowing u lost your mom, and it’s so difficult on u!
so jealous of the garden! love it! i am so in love with the tiny little asparagus….
My Therapist told me spring is the most depressing time of year for people…she actually said it’s harder than the holiday season. So what your feeling is shared by so many and totally normal….just thought you’d like to hear that!
Hey, that looks great!!!
I admire the gardeners…:)
i am not much of a gardener, but have had some unexpected luck growing cucumbers, tomatoes, and peppers upside down this year….and i think it has done my soul good. i think your garden will do yours wonders and give you a place to go for some peace…i found that watching the growth of my “garden” was surprisingly therapeutic.
thanks for all the laughter you’ve given me! 🙂
Your not alone. I feel that way in Spring also due to my Fathers death.
Jennifer,
I had a closer relationship to my dad than my mom or stepmother, but can tell you that first few years were hard. They get easier after awhile. I liken it to having surgery: you will always have a scar (feel something) but over time, the scar becomes less and less visible (you integrate the loss into your life).
I garden now because Daddy loved it.
Hi Jen,
Sitting at home feeling sorry for myself (3rd anniversary of MY mom’s death) and saw your beautiful garden pictures…my mom LOVED to garden…thanks for reminding me of a happy time I had with her.
Jen, I am also very depressed having just lost my mom on Valentines Day. I also want to stay in bed and just cry all day, but so far have not been able to. This may be a good thing, to have work and responsabilities to keep us going. I do miss her everyday, but your comment the other day helped both my sister and I. She called me crying so much the Friday before mother’s day, and I told her what you said how we miss her all the time and this day was not any worse than others. It helped her a bit, at least it stopped the sobbing at that moment. I think of her every day! I do love your garden and wish I had one also but its too hot here in Vegas.
Thanks for sharing!
Sending you some HAPPY ENERGY!!! Good for you that you got up and did something versus staying in bed under the covers. That really is HUGE!
The garden is looking great. I have learned something new today I wasn’t aware of the way you have to grow asparagus very interesting. Seeing the bluberries reminds me of my grandmother. She had blue berry bushes at her house. We used to go out and pick blueberries anytime we were with her. We always ate more than we picked. Fresh blueberry syrup is the best with pancakes YUM!!
WOW!!!! loving the gardening!!! I am jealous – when does the farm stand open? good for you, I am now motivated to try….xo
Hey. Lost my Mom in 2006. We’re very south jersey beach people. Summer of ’07- awful, didn’t know what to do, didn’t want to do anything. Couldn’t go to the beach, wasn’t going to end the day at Mom’s for dinner with the family. Summer ’08- better- did different things- yoga on the beach, went to different places. It helped- new scenery, not the same old places with the same people asking-how are you…or even worse not knowing she died. I would never believe this, but it does get better. Not really better, but different- calmer, more peaceful. I could hear my mother- “that’s enough now-go to the beach”. Hang in there.
I love fresh veggies from the garden. I’ve been enjoying tomatoes, green beans, and zucchini lately. Looking forward to seeing your garden grow! : )
It looks like you like to garden alot
The hardest part of my life happened in November a few years ago. Being November, it got dark early and that year was full of gray clouds.
Eight years later, there are still days in November that depress the hell out of me, and that was never the case before. I have to remind myself that the circumstances are different now even if the weather looks the same.
You lost your mother and it hasn’t even been that long. There is no schedule for grief or healing that you need to be keeping up with.
Don’t beat yourself up.
Woo hoo jennifer!
garden is looking so good!
Plant some BRANDYWINE & Cherry tomatoes and I will cry wishing I had the plants..you go girl…
The garden looks fabulous. And how cute is that litlle bitty asparagus? Hang in there.
That baby asparagus is so cute that I squealed a little bit. 🙂
hi Jennifer,
You’re in my thoughts; my dad’s b-day was last sunday, and he passed away last summer, so lots of sadness these days and for the next months ahead.
I don’t know what you are feeling right now, except I do relate to your sadness. The first year is hard, and I’m starting to suspect that the second year is hard as well. have faith that it gets easier with time, or so I hear.
best, Annie
Jenny, Jenny, here’s a penny, tell me more about how your garden grows.
It looks GREAT!
Can’t wait for the harvest photos! I’ll bet Alexis will be there with a few baskets. Maybe she’ll rent a U-Haul! 🙂
I can just TASTE the veggie soup!
How ARE you doing Jenn?
Jen,
This first year after my Dad died has been almost impossible, you relive what you were doing a year ago, I’ll think, my dad was here and we did this, now that the year has passed I can’t do it and it has eased up a bit. I also say to myself that my dad buried a lot of people and he still managed to enjoy life all of his 82 years. Jen it’s tough, but we will get passed this stinging pain.
Love ya girl!
If you’re ever down, there’s an awesome tv show that will brighten any dark day. It’s on the FLN network and has two of the funniest chicks going. It always makes me smile.
Thank you!
Be kind to yourself, Jennifer! It has been 3 1/2 years since my Mom passed and I took care of her, and watched her suffer tremendously from congestive heart failure, for the last 8 weeks of her life. It was life altering and so sad and I would not have changed being with her–but, oh, I know the sadness of which you speak. We had a difficult relationship at times but I credit her for the woman I am today and we were able to apologize to one another for any hurts we had caused the other. My husband, two children and she all received communion together in her hospital room and within a day she was in a coma and gone by the next weekend. I was with her holding her hand at the moment she died. It can still bring me to my knees but it does get easier. Be patient with yourself. My dad had been gone for 13 years and when my mom died I suddenly felt like an orphan. It was a shocking feeling. But I am not as sad as often 3 1/2 years later. You will always have an empty place in your heart but your children will help fill it with love and silliness! And, don’t ever feel like you can’t talk about it–it helps to talk about her and to let yourself have your feelings. Peace and hugs to you!!
I understand your grief, I too have a mother with pancreatic cancer. She is still with us, but the end is near so I feel your pain. I hope you will check out my sister’s blog to see what she did for our mother on Mother’s Day, http://www.Icoulduseadeal.blogspot.com I think you can also twitter it as well. It as been the talk of the Mayo Clinic in NY and Florida. Have you ever considered voluntering thru the pancreatic cancer society, or being a speaker for this type of cancer. Maybe turning your grief into something positve will help you to deal with the loss of your mother. I am a pharmacist an even though I have not lost my mother yet, I use my pharmacy practice to educate and help other pancreatic patients and their families thru this difficult time.
Would love to share with you.
Michelle Kirby R.Ph
mlkkirby@aol.com
Hickory, North Carolina
Watch out for the bunnies…woke up one morning last Spring, excited to harvest that evening, only to find that the rabbits had the same idea. At least THEY enjoyed the lettuce. Sheesh.
ADAM SHOULD HAVE WON IDOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jennifer and Mo, my mother died May 4th. I empathize, sympathize, and appreciate your sharing.
-Perry-
come back jen.im very down. lost my lil dog and mom. sun and showers help. keepm moving. i was in bed for few days. sun helps my deep sadness&despair. as gay man . my lil dog was my kid. my mom was my pal.i lost 2 omes. 1 from family greed./ 1 to hurricane wilma. im still here.we miss you;))). love keith, namste jen
the grieving process is different for everyone…try not to be so hard on yourself, you will get there on your own terms…love the garden pics reminds me of when our garden was first spouting…you will enjoy and curse the garden at times but ours has paid off in a healthy way…thanks for giving great radio…ps my gay bf unfriended crissy the day he heard how she treated you
((HUGS)) to you. it’s odd, isn’t it? the way life goes on…
https://features.csmonitor.com/gardening/2009/02/05/sprouts-and-mic (on a smaller scale)..all the best.
first time on your blog…love it. i know your heavy heart. the last time i saw dad was at our farm at christmas 07 and he died suddenly the following feb. so very tough. i didn’t decorate last christmas and was very down, but slowly it is getting better. the pain has dulled but the memories remain fresh and always will…prayers to you. garden looks cute. will you can?