happy father’s day.
today i celebrate my dad. and my kids’ dad.
and i try not to focus on the pit in my belly.
the pit that exists because i am missing my mother so much.
july 8th will be one year since my mother died. i woke up this morning still in disbelief. still so raw. still fighting this gnawing sadness that lives within me.
don’t worry, i am ok. and i put on a brave face most of the time.
but really it doesn’t take much to remind me nor to make me weepy.
been doing better with having a positive outlook though. so that’s progress.
i will post details soon about the pancreatic cancer walk we are participating in. (in her honor)
xxx
jennifer
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
twitter: jenniferhutt
Jennifer,
I admire your bravery and positive outlook in the face of something so difficult. I just lost my brother last month unexpectedly…he was only 25 years old, and I wake up each morning with that same feeling in my stomach.
Some days it would be so easy to just stay in bed all day and let the rest of the world pass me by, but it helps to know that we have the rest of our wonderful families and good memories of the loved ones we have lost to keep us going. They are smiling down on us everyday, our own personal angels.
Stay strong, and thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Looking forward to hearing more about the walk you are doing in your mother’s honor.
you’re just about at the one year mark….and if you look back at some of your earlier posts….you’ve come a long way. Remember the ” 5 STAGES OF GRIEF” and that grief is actually a healing process. Love to you and your beautiful family.
thinking of you, jennifer. it’s true, there are days when we just feel like our wounds are raw and new. surround yourself with your beautiful family and hopefully the day wil go by quickly.
we look forward to hearing you back on the air soon
I didn’t read any of your comments because I know exactly how you feel. May 15 was my brother Todds anniversery of his death. Jennifer I have those same feelings. Sometimes I’m somewhere and I’ll start to cry for no reason except I’m thinging of Todd. I cannot celebrate father day, both my dad and Todd are gone. The sad part is I can’t go to their grave to say hi. I go insane when I’m there. So it’s best I dont go. My dad was very sick so I sort of excepted his death but Todd was young and vibrent and God took him away and I just will never get over him or forgive God for taking him along with my other family members. My cousin Tim, my mother and I are all that are left out of 12 members. All died tragecly. (Tommy my cousin, like a big brother got the Carnity Hero Award for saving his girlfriend Anna while risking his life in RI.) Sometimes, I know its crazy, he visits me. I smell him smoking I love it because I know he’s with me. I don’t know how to help you because I can’t help my self. I hope you have a good day and be happy you have your dad and your husband and children. I have no children and to this day I regret it. After Todd died I was going to a Dr in New Haven at Yale to have invitro to have a boy and name him Todd but my mom was having a fit about it “You never meet anyone with a kid what, will Jeff think” all those motherly statements. Well now I have no one that’s part of me. I’m so sad about it. I cry alot. Do the best you can Jennifer. Thats all from me. Have a good day. Amy
A YEAR!? It seems to go so quickly in some ways, and in others it drags s-l-o-w-l-y by. I find, as I mark those anniversaries of my dad’s and brother’s deaths, that it seems to get worse in some ways: “I don’t WANT it to be 12 years since I’ve seen him or heard his laughter!”
Alas, it’s Father’s Day and I COULD go up to Punchbowl -where his ashes are interred- but he is not there is he? My brother’s ashes are in the ocean so I think I’ll take a walk on the beach with (MY dog) Hazel, and feel them. That’s where they both are, really, here in my heart. And in the quiet moments of solitude, I do feel them near me.
Hang in there girl! We all have our ways of coping and of NOT. And it’s OK to do it YOUR WAY… not how someone else managed grief. Sometimes a good cry is very cathartic so let ’em rip, baby!
Bless you, Jenny. Just bless you.We miss Bunny, too. Rich
Lost my Mom 4 years ago and how you just described yourself is exactly the way I feel..Much Love it can only get better…
I have no advice to give you,losing a loving parent is so cruel. Know you are not alone and your posts and helped others in your situation, Take care Jen
I have 2 great friends with the Birthday July 8th , and sorry it’s another significance to u:( We all are going to die sometime, and I have can hardly live my life cuz I was raised by someone that always warned me of the day she dies, and that was my mom. Although she is alive, we don’t speak, cuz when we do, It’s like watching an episode of Whatever Martha, I have the same kind of mom/daughter relationship as Alexis and her ma. It’s making me cry to think of your sadness and struggle to face the world, like me( I also compare myself to Paula Deen, with her struggle to get outta the house for 20 yrs) My mom has told me that she will never “help” me in life, I must wait for her to die, then IF I AM LUCKY, Then I might get something from her, isn’t that aaweful.
Hi Jennifer – I have to say that after reading your blog you reminded me its Father’s Day in the US and Canada (I’m in Melbourne Australia). Father’s Day isn’t until September here. I quickly picked up the phone and rang my dad in Montreal and wished him a happy one! I don’t get to see my family very often at all (maybe every 5 years). When I’m missing my parents I quickly hug one of my children and that sometimes makes it feel better. Take care of yourself, love your blog.
hey…i have to say I plow through this time of year….I have no parent’s both have passed…and I miss them every day….I’m only 40 they both passed in their 60’s..i live my days for my son and vowing to be around for a long time…hugs to you……
Ashley, is your post really necessary or helpful? Really, the way you go on!
I am sorry for your loss 🙁
jen, i can’t believe it’s been a year. honestly tho, you’ve been a trooper. it’s not easy dealing with grief on your own, not to mention raise children and take care of a husband. So you know what? BE YOURSELF and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel!
How is your dad doing Jennifer? We don’t hear you talk too much about him, and I am hoping he is bearing up well after the year has passed. Sending out love and good vibes to you and your family.
LOSS HAS NO ENDNG OR START
it’s difficult and takes a long time – unfortunately.
I’ve been where you are and it’s not easy. Gonna take time, a whole lot of time. I said a prayer for you.
Holy crap Amy, Lisa and Ashley…we aren’t here to read your life stories. Save it for your therapists. Jennifer, time will make it easier. It’s part of life, we all go thru it.
I lost my dad 3 years ago from a brain tumor. One day he’s a perfectly healthy
76 year old and 8 months later he’s dead.I was there for the good the bad and the ugly, and when he died my grief, like yours, was overwhelming. I can promise you that it will get better. One day you just notice that you can think about her and talk about her without the cry bubbling up. The tears still come, but the smiles become are more frequent than the tears. Hang in there!
maybe you need to join some kinda CANCER group?
Or time to one or something?
where you can speak about it to groups and stuff?
I think you need to Jenny…
Rock on bebe! You’re strong!
Totally agree about “Lisa in Hawaii”. She writes novel-length posts on both Jennifer and Alexis’s blogs, trying to co-op them and turn them into her own personal gabfest. Its very self-centered to do so when Jennifer is trying to express some very personal and very painful emotions. Lisa, no one comes here to read your opinions or what you had for lunch. Show some respect for the girls, employ some basic etiquette, and keep your comments on topic and succinct.
It will be 10 years this Thursday (6/24/9) that my Dad died. It always seems like it just happened yeasterday. I’m with ya sister..hang in there!!
🙂
Christ, no need for Blog Comment Police. Maybe someone will get something out of whatever those participants posted. If not, no harm no foul – they weren’t being particularly offensive.
Ms Elso, not Blog Police, but it does seem frequently certain people here make everything about them. Like they KNOW Jennifer and Alexis. Nobody really KNOWS Alexis’ relationship with her mother. Nobody knows Jennifer’s pain or grief. I mean, share, but not everything is about me. Sometimes just shut up is good and let other people be. Not YOU, I’m talking about the incessant comments. I include myself in this batch.
Jennifer: have you thought of volunteering with a group which helps people deal with the loss of a loved one? There are some amazing organizations that work with kids who’ve lost a parent… I think it could be very therapeutic for you to take your grief use it to help others. Just a thought…
Again…shut it…nobody cares.
I understand with all my heart about
your Mother. As my husband of
33 years died on July 4th two year
ago this year. .
I’m sure your Mother was very proud of you. And the positive outlook and keeping busy does help and of course
time.
Love you radio show and blog
keep up the great work.
Victoria, I wasn’t trying to be obnoxious…but I guess my first reaction to shutting them down was considering that that there are a lot of lonely, shut-in, etc. people on the net and Jennifer/Alexis and other participants might be the only people they “talk” to all day (such personal revelations might be an indicator of that) – and a blog comments section is usually such an informal type of forum that off-topic stuff is less intrusive than it might be on a topical message board. But I can see how it could be a pet peeve, so I get ya.
Ignore that fucktard. I care!
Yup, “Ms Elso”, talk about “Blog Police” – who appointed you the Sheriff of them? Too long, did not read.
Ms Elso, give it a rest already, your rantings are dull and uninteresting.
They’re so dull you feel compelled to expend the energy to type out a comment. haha
Man, some of yall’re some peevish-ass bitches
Jenn…you know you are the sexiest broad. I love to see you barefoot on the show…you make me fantasize about you giving me the best slippery footjob.
I want you so bad!!!!
Yep, typing out comments, just like you 2 fucktards. LOLOLOLOLOLOL At least they are novels.
LOL….that’s hilarious, thanks for the SHORT and funny comment!
much love to you sweetie. my father will have been gone 10 years this december 28th (he passed when i was 26) and i know it’s a wound that never heals. i won’t pretend to understand what your particular heartbreak feels like, it’s different for all of us. just know that you are cared about – even by those of us who don’t really “know” you. xoxo
Jenn…can you do a pedicure pic blog ?? That would drive all your foot fantasy guys nuts. Don’t forget the lotion please.
I’ve checked out your YouTube videos and I can tell you are so sexual. I would love to take you on a several day romp fest.
Love you babe!!!!!
yeah thank u for you’re short coment. Me dont red or rite long ones becuse there too hard to consentrate on. I was diegnosed with ADD and retarted so only like less words or i get board.
jenn lover….are you for real??? go get a job in a shoe store….or something….you’re freekin’ jenny out…hell..you’re freekin’ me out. you must go crazy in the summer time…with everyone wearing flip-flops.
I lost my Mom and Dad 8 years ago. They died a month apart, both from cancer. My Dad had pancreatic cancer, Mom breast cancer.
As everyone else has said you are not alone in the way you feel.
As someone who is ahead of you on this path I can say it really does get easier. You know you’re getting better when you notice that those memories of those awful last days are not the first thing you think of when you think of your Mom.
Those times when the pain socks you in your gut and knocks you to your knees will get further and further apart. Somehow the loss and pain gets woven into the fabric of your life and becomes part of who you are. It becomes manageable and balanced with the other side of life – the blessings and joys.
One foot in front of the other…it’s the only way to move through this.
Wishing you peace.
My father died many years ago but my father in law died last summer also of pancreatic cancer. I had him in my life longer than my father and the hole is still there. I feel you pain.