a year has gone by since my mother died.
frozen in time as a beautiful 65 year old woman ravaged by pancreatic cancer.
still so unfair.
still so sad.
and yet i smile thinking of her because i know she’d want that. and i smile thinking of her because i know she’d be proud of how i’ve continued to live inspite of the just below the surface sadness that lingers. and i smile because i know just how she’d react in any situation i am in.
i smile because i can hear her voice within me.
and then, of course, i cry because she shouldn’t have died so young.
my mother was a piece of work. she was wacky. and hilarious. and nuts. and gorgeous. and loving.
and i miss her.
so much.
i mentioned in a blog earlier this month that we are walking in her honor july 26th 2009. if you can contribute in any way…fantastic…click here.
if not, ok. no pressure.
into year two i go.
mothering my children, mothering myself.
a day at a time…healing.
xxx
jennifer
facebook: jennifer koppelman hutt
twitter: jenniferhutt
Jenny: I have only one thing for you to remember: with the loss of a mother, a child believes all things are possible, but nothing’s certain. These are words that only those of us whom have lost a parent can understand.
I am balling my eyes out. I dreaded this blog entry from you, Jennifer. I hope Alexis is nice to you today. Bless you.
loss takes a long time toprocess.my dad is gone 19yrs.my mom is gone 6yrs. feels like 6 sec. jenn. it takes as long as it takes!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Sweetie, I turn 60 this year and I lost my Mom when I was 7 and it still hurts as much today to think of her as then. You will always see her “light” in your children and every time you look in the mirror. I too hope Alexis is nice to you and to everyone today..she has had a bit of an edge lately, hard to hear. Made me sad the way she tore into the Jackson children, but we know what it is like to lose a parent don’t we, and I pray it’s a long time before she learns the pain of it. God Bless you honey. and do something fun to commemorate the day. Your a very sweet girl. Susan
Jennifer,
You are a remarkable person to have such a tremendous capacity of love for your mother, she did a really good job.
Your mother was so beautiful in the photo’s that Ive seen of her. Im sure she is doing good on the other side, and is with you every moment. You will always carry her with you at all times and she lives on in you and your children……… God Bless, and stay strong as she knows you to be……..
Keep saying YES to life.
You go girl!
Jennifer – think I might have mentioned this before but have you ever thought of writing a book on healing,,,you really do write beautifully and you capture some amazing feelings in your words…maybe this blog is enough?
Keep on living, breathing, remembering and loving life.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family, Jennifer. I second Robert’s comment about writing a book – your writing is so descriptive and heart wrenching that it brought me to tears over my morning coffee. The first year is the hardest – going through all the “firsts” – after losing someone so hang in there and keep saying YES!
Thoughts are with you – but also with your dad and sis. Do something fun today in honor of your mom.
Jennifer, you are a life force to be reckoned with and possess every one of the qualities you mentioned in your mother. She lives on in you.
have a family chat. ask each family member to share a memory of your mom!! talking is healing!!!!!!!
I adored Michael Jackson the entertainer (and never thought he was a kid toucher) but being sad about his death has a lot to do with the fact that his music meant something to me as a Kindergartner, teenager, and adult. I don’t think Alexis had the same identification with him that a lot of us do. The level of appreciation for his music seems to color nearly everyone’s reaction. For Alexis, his shortcomings are not mitigated by what we fans consider his gifts to us, so it’s natural she would have a negative take on him. I wouldn’t hold it against her at all.
Love and prayers to you today.
Hi Jenn, I think of you all the time you are my guide in this journey with the loss of my mom also. I think you are coming around and I can’t wait to get there, yet I have more sad days than happy right now only 5 months for me . I am also dealing with a sick that to a horrible blood related cancer, this does not help.
I continue to pray, but sometimes feel like quitting all together… the anger takes over!
Thanks for sharing!!
I am so impressed with the ways in which you and Alexis live your lives “out loud”—with courage, determination and confidence.
You and your family are in my thoughts today.
Hey Jennifer… My thoughts and prayers go out to you. btw, great poet about your mom…..you write so well! I called yesterday for the first time into your show to give my meager 2 cents on the discussion about food samples. I did so on the way to my daily after work visit with my mom who is in long term care for advancing alzheimers. My mom is a trooper and is holding her own in this fight but the accumulation of losses for her are just too numerous and heartbreaking to take sometimes. I gotta tell you, this is the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with. It’s a half hour drive to get to her each day and I listen to you and Alexis and it puts me in a better frame of mind when I get to my destination. Thanks for being honest, funny, caring, and a bit whacky (like your mom.) It lifts my spirits just when I need it!! Charlie
I’m sure your Mother’s heart would be smiling with pride to see you today. You, are a daughter to be proud of. You, are a reflection of your Mother and all the love she gave you.
P.S. I love the summer of Yes!!!!
Jennnifer as you know I lost my brother Todd 10 years ago. He died in my mothers back yard by riding his ATV and falling off and hitting his head on a rock. What a way to go. He was 35 years old and had everything to live for. To this day I can not forget him. I think about him all the time. I miss him and I must tell you May 15, is one of the worst days of my life. I basicly get so depressed. I am happy for you that you have a purpose for you mom’s death. You and your family have a foundation for her. That is absolutely wonderful. I hope you will continue on your rode to success and happiness. It is so very hard to live with and very difficult to forget. In fact you will never forget. I wish you the best and have a great evening thinking of all the wonderful times you had with your mom. Amy
i used to love it when your mother would call into the show. she seemed just as amazing as you describe her.
Jenny – wow. A year already. Feels like it was just yesterday that you were telling us. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I am going to try to donate…things are so tight for me right now, but I really want to – to help others so that they don’t have to suffer. walk proud for your mom. you have done so much this past year to deserve it. Hugs.
I.m out of the radio loop for a while:(
Beautifully expressed. xoxoox
((Jennifer))
Beautiful…Just Beautiful…RIP Bunny..RIP
i always hear and feel your sadness when you speak of your mom and i am so sorry for your pain . . .
jennifer, i’m still so sad for you. i miss todd so muchh i can imagine how much you meiss bunny koppelman. she was so full of life. my hubby and i loved when she’d call and say’ jen, i don’t like what you’re talking abougt.” bless you. please pray for todd. we will pray for bunny koppelman
You have a beautiful way of expressing your feelings! Hang in there! 😉
I used to acknowledge my Dad’s death day but I don’t anymore. I acknowledge when he was born but NOT when he died. Of course, this took some time. I guess I hate the day so much that I just won’t act like its any special day. Weird, but that is how I deal with it.
Wishing you peace.
I lost my beloved mom-in-law six years ago when I was pregnant with my son. So much has changed, we’ve even had another child, and I still think of her. Whenever my boys do something funny or smile in a certain way, I would think, “Oh, mom would have loved that.” Then, one day I started thinking that she does love it, that she looks in on us. It is a little wacky, but it helps me through the sadness.
I am writting to you all to let you know that I have not blogged in some time. Someone has stolen my identity. Blog if you must but this last time really hurt me to the point of having tears in my eyes. My only brother Todd died at 35 in my mothers back yard riding his ATV. Their was no chance for him to live even a minute. That’s why I’m blogging to you all to help with the fight against pancreatic cancer. With your support a cure maybe found one day, without it those suffering from it are hopeless. I urge all of you to give your support to find a cure for this tragic cancer. I did, dispite my stolen identity. Amy
I know the feeling my parents are gone for many years now. My son just had his first baby girl so my grandson and I are both happy about that. My daughter had hers 4 months ago. Jennifer just spend time with your kids and family when you can. Time is short. My unmarried son was sitting nextto Glen Cambell last nite. He texed me when he landed. He is now 77 – how times fly. So again I say time is too short and flys by. Be happy and safe but keep your time with family precious. Get Charlie to do more time with the kids. I bet he can have them sing teh yoigi bear song. My grandson does most of my sons recorded songs and the beatles yellow submarine. Record every moment you can on video or CD. Hasta
HEY amyrabuf….Good Quote From Anderson Cooper on his program 360 July 7th. I wrote it down myself for me to remember, as I lost my mom when I was 20 years of age. I’m now 54 and still feel as Jenny does. There are times I still go to the phone to call mom…for a slight moment forgetting she’s not here. Thanks Jenny for sharing your thoughts. All the best to you.
I can’t believe it’s been a year already. I appreciate your honesty and openness for such a difficult ordeal in your life. Sometimes sharing the rough spots in life help us get through them a little bit easier. I love the “Yes Summer”… I definitely am going to try it. Keep your upbeat attitude, your Mother is shining through YOU.
Bambi, Spring TX
DearBambi@comcast.net
I SO miss listening to you on my way home. My hubby was laid off, so unfortunately, Sirius was a cut back to our budget… I’m so glad I at least have the blog to keep connected.
Bambi in Spring, TX
DearBambi@comcast.net
i have listened from the beginning every day except the day you came back after Bunny died. i do not know how you did it.
i noticed a change in you….it must have been around the time your mommy got sick.
you lost some of your feistiness. but past week i here the feistiness returning.
keep strong Jennifer.
My family, friends and I are walking for my dad who passed on 4/29/08. We are team Bill’s Battalion! If you see us, say hi, k???
I’m sure Bunny is so proud of you. Keep up all the great things you do in her name, and in your own.
can you pleease updat on garden.see something new and growing heelps my loss and deppersion
Jen, My dads been gone a little over a year and today I was with my mom and she said I was so much like my father, Lala said “people don’t die, they live on in their children”
{{{hugs}}}
♥♥ bless you ♥♥
jen, i like the blog about remembering the birth and life and not the death of a loved one. Makes me wonder just why do all of us focus on the death instead of being happy remembering their life? I think it’s human nature to go to the negative and the whole self-pity thing (myself included here) but that blog has got me thinking. This is why I love reading the blogs from you two, it makes you think. Enjoy the weekend!
any thing can trigger a memory. a song. a person, a car,holiday,clothes. knick knack.. i dont listen to music. cause it upsets me. i dont do hair no more. beacuse it reminds of catherine. my grand dame mother.any of this can or will effect you. it brings you back to missing that person.i cry. i get deppressed. i greif. then im ok. mom mom is gone 6 years. like 6sec. sometimes . i think she is on vaction. i moved from our home. tomany memoires. ileft my home town of 46 years. kings park,ny.i miss it all. .LOST MY MOM TO .L.C IN 6 WEEKS
How wonderful to honour your mom by trying to ensure that others don’t lose their parents to this dreadful disease. I know you’re not Christian, but in my religion there’s this idea that whatever we do for anyone else, no matter who it is or how humble they are, we’re actually doing that for God. I think about that with my late parents; I truly believe that whenever I treat another human being with kindness or give money to help a stranger get food, education or health care, I’m somehow doing it for my parents. I think the same of you for Bunny. Being a strong, good woman lets your mom live through you.
Tell Alexis to chill and show a little more kindness, please. I know she’s proud of not being phony and of having an edge, but there is no weakness in showing sweetness and gentleness, either.
I hear Kim Jong-Il has pancreatic cancer. It was just yesterday that he was orchestrating lavish displays of despotism and starving his people to death. There was this one time where his hairdresser showed up with some silly shoes, and Kim summoned his personal car and driver and rushed him straight to prison so he could sort out his fashion faux pas. I will walk, for I know that is what Great Leader would want, and with every step, I will think of him. And as I incessantly write trite, cliched drivel about him that I think is profound, I will smile knowing it is just how he would want me to be.
Your words are very powerful. Thank you for sharing.
jennn come out of hidng.post update of garden& pictures.please.namste.jenn.breathe
Oh boo hoo. Why don’t you find something productive to do instead of sitting around looking for sympathy.
So insecure.
dear jennifer, your blogs about your mom always bring me to tears. your pain is so beautifully palpable. she is looking down on you and your family with a twinkle in her eye. i know she is so proud of you. stay strong.
Someone told me after losing my mother, you never get over the loss of a parent you only get used to it.