he died. finally.
one of my friends texted me when i got home from work telling me "he died. finally." those were my friend’s words to me because he knew i had been waiting for this news.
my mother battled pancreatic cancer for 9 months. she was diagnosed in october of 2007.
patrick swayze was diagnosed in january of 2008 (or we were told of his diagnosis january of 2008)… and he survived 19 months or in dead parent speak- 10 months longer than my mom.
and it isn’t that i wanted patrick swayze (or anyone for that matter) to succumb to this horrible disease…but each day he got to live longer reminded me that my mother didn’t.
self centered thinking?! sure. completely without compassion for someone else? kind of.
honest feelings and emotions? totally.
each day patrick swayze continued living made me question decisions we made during my mother’s illness.. had we done this or that would she still be alive?!
i know it is wrong to feel relief over someone’s dying…and the relief i feel isn’t really that…it is more a quiet comfort knowing that even patrick swayze with the best medical care, whole world pulling for him, newfangled treatments etc… even patrick swayze in all his dirty dancing glory couldnt beat this disease.
i figure in time i will stop second guessing all we did to save my mom but until then… patrick swayze died. finally.
jewish holidays are coming up.
good times.
blog update 10:41pm
clearly my blog post above has upset some of you… here’s the thing:
i was a fan of patrick swayze. i loved dirty dancing.
i didn’t kill him.
i feel sad for his family and friends…ofcourse.
but i am human and prone to good/bad/complicated feelings.
aren’t we all?
xxx
jennifer
fb: jennifer koppelman hutt
twitter: jenniferhutt
Although it is harsh, I completely understand what you were saying and feeling when you wrote that!! My mom died from the same cancer (non-hodgkins lymphoma) that killed Jackie Kennedy-Onassis. Living in a rural setting and without money or influential friends, It gave me a sense of comfort knowing that someone with all the money in the world couldn’t win the same fight that my mother fought. Cancer is such a terrible disease but death and grief makes us think things we may not be proud to admit..I admire you Jennifer for saying your truth!
She told the truth. You may not like her truth or understand her truth. Fine, as the show says, WHATEVER! However, truth hurts sometimes people. This is obviously very real and very confusing for Jennifer. We are lucky to even have a glimpse of something so personal. I’m sure Jennifer is weeding through the tangled web of emotions best she can. That’s all we can ever do in life. Our best. How she seeks help or who she sees is none of your business really. None of you are her true friends, family or loved ones. The ones who really deserve a voice.
Cancer affects all of us. This is about Patrick, but how can you not be reminded of how horrific it is to see someone you love die. That is not selfish. That is grief.
As a person who lost her Mom to this exact disease I feel for Jennifer. I am thankful for her honesty and for revealing that loss isn’t something you get over, it’s something you manage for an entire lifetime.
I guess this is the danger of having comments on here though. Just like Jennifer is able to express herself freely here, we can too. Good or bad.
Hi – I lost my mom to PC as well – 5 months from diagnosis to death. I understand what you are feeling. When I hear that other people have lived longer than my mom – I too wonder what makes them so “lucky” – in reality as we know it has more to do with when they found the cancer than anything else – because if my mom’s cancer was found say 5 months earlier than she might have died in 10 mos – since none of the treatments worked!
Of course there is the whole quality of life issue and with how my mom was at the end, I would not have wanted to prolong that suffering.
Hope you make it through the holidays ok.
I get it, and if those who feel your a terrible person for honestly expressing your feelings, then they need to step back and look within themselves and be honest, 33 years ago I lost my mother to lung cancer, I look at my grandchildren now and get angry and sad and wish a million things and wonder a million things, it’s like asking why me, why us, we have it inside all of us, your honest enough to lay your feelings out for the world to see, most of us aren’t. Your stronger and braver than you realize, and that is why you have the admirers you have.
Jennifer,I lost my mother to pancreatic cancer as well. Yoyr post is a bit rough but I understand the anger,bitterness.you are just being honest becuase it still hurts. Everytime someone else wih the disease has a little more time to live I think how my mom got cheated out of a little more time.
Absolutely disgusting.
Some things are better left unsaid….
I was saddened as I read your post Jen. It was especially painful to read your comments, despite your honesty. I encourage you to seek some help to work out your feelings. Take a copy of this post to a therapist, he/she will quickly understand the depth of your pain and can begin to help you sort through things. Wish you the best. Take care.
I believe this is one post you should have kept to yourself. Although I completely understand it and have felt just as you did, sometimes being that honest is not a good thing.
Shocked at your blog about Patrick Swayze. He suffered greatly as did you mother but alittle longer. I hope his family doesn’t go on this site. Perhaps you should have feelings of anger of this awful disease because it has once again taken another innocent person. Start with fundraising research. You have the clout. Look up Lizza Gibbons and all that she does for alzhimers that her mom suffered from and change your attitude.
Dear Jennifer,
What if somebody lost a loved one after battling cancer for 6 months and made the comment about your Mom living 3 months longer with the same condition “finally Bunny died”. That would be horrible and what you wrote was horrible!
You don’t have to blog everything you are thinking, some things need to stay in your head.
You cannot justify this, I think you need to apologize to your listeners.
I get it. xo
Hey………everyone settle down a bit. Losing a beloved parent is a tremendously difficult thing at any age. My mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer not long after the news broke that Patrick Swayze had the disease. We were blessed that she was one of the 15% who are candidates for whipple surgery. Although her prognosis is good, we worry every day about her and read everything in the news about pancreatic cancer and those who are diagnosed with it. We watched and read EVERYTHING on Patrick Swayze. Of course Jennifer will react to the news of his death. Blogs are snipets of what one is thinking. Jennifer has probably gone from A to Z emotionally and has considered what everyone above has posted. Mean? Cold? Harsh? Did we forget the walk for pancreatic cancer and the work her family has done to combat the disease? Let’s celebrate her honesty and bravery for sharing these heartfelt emotions. We’ve all experienced them. The reaction of loving people should be to pray for her contiuing adjustment to her mom’s death and the affect it’s had on her and her extended family, and not to criticize her.
Last night I read your blog and when I read the first line my initial interpretations was that you meant finally he’s gone no more suffering. An expression of empathy for the pain he was feeling, but then I read on and was completely horrified. My first thought was – what a total douchebag!! But I controlled myself and did not post out of anger and outrage. So here we are this morning and my thoughts now are – what a complete and total douchebag!!! Jennifer you are not special, OK, your mother died from cancer big friggin deal. Everyone in my family died of cancer – aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents. Notice I didn’t mention parents – that’s because my father died at age 53 from a fucking heart attack – cancer did not have a chance to get him. You and your mother have led a privileged life, you had more time with your mother than many people get to spend with theirs. Your life has been spent in comfort and luxury. STFU and be grateful for all the blessings you have. Your endless stream of self pity is really starting to wear thin.
Jennifer, I lost my Grnadmother to brain cancer and can totally understand – “Patrick Swayze died. finally”. I also understand that your post was not disrespectful to Patrick or his family. You are just putting down what you feel!!! I appreciate your honesty – this is one of the reasons I enjoy your blog as much as I do. You speak from your heart!
I feel like you, my Dad was told he had a brain tumor the same week as Ted Kennedy, my Dad died 3 months later and Kennedy lived 16 months. I know how you feel! CANCER SUCKS
its ok u r just human
I understand what you are saying. I used to resent Martha because even tho she is a few years older than me, her mother lived so much longer than mine. Logical, no. at least not to anyone else.
Cleary..you need to see a therapist. It cleary seems that you crave attention.
For the love of god…who said there are right or wrong feelings when it comes to grief? The people on this blog screaming the loudest are the ones who are the least comfortable with Jennifer’s honesty. Perhaps they are the ones who need professional help. Jennifer, thanks for putting yourself out there. For as many who’ve written to protest your honesty, there are many more who’ve taken the journey and offered support.
Jennifer – you are a wonderful, strong person for dealing with everything that you have had happen in the past couple of years. My parents are both having health issues (not as severe as what you dealt with) and I can’t stand it. I can’t imagine what it would be like in your shows. Forget those losers that are bashing you! Keep making us all smile!
Of course you’re prone to good/bad/complicated feelings. You just need to sometimes keep them to yourself or to a therapist. You have a responsibility here, given the forum you have and you were harsh. It’s OK, your fans will forgive you, but, come on, even you have to admit it was a little harsh, thus the update. No doubt had someone in the public eye (celebrity) written what you had, you and perhaps Alexis would discuss it on the air and no doubt criticize. So, be prepared whether on here or to the show. Good luck.
Cat is right–the golden rule applies to everyone. Think about how you would feel if someone wrote this about your mom. Jennifer, we feel your pain at losing her, but you need to learn to edit yourself a little. Being empowered is not the same thing as spilling every dark thought in your head. It’s hard to understand how someone who was intelligent enough to finish law school could be so oblivious to the way this post would be received. It reads as if you’re glad Patrick Swayze died, and of course that’s not the case. But America loved Patrick Swayze, and you come off sounding petulant, bratty, and kind of hateful. You really put your foot in your mouth this time. Get some professional help. Or go volunteer with poor children or the homeless, and try to put your own life in perspective.
OMG – you need help. Period.
My brother Jay Juntunen died of Pan. cancer last summer, August 23. He was 53, and lived for two months from diagnosis. He left his wife and three children, broken hearted parents and two siblings( he was the baby). Wednesday would be his 20th wedding anniversary and his sons 19th birthday. So thank you for your words, Jennifer. I feel the same way.
Wow, and ya, “finally Bunny died”!! She looked like hell and the picture you posted of her made me sick! Patrick Swayze was an excellent actor and a great person, what did your mom do besides bring up a selfish, whining, oh poor me daughter!!!
When I heard your mother had passed I was envious you had her longer than I had my father. I was never relieved that Bunny died. finally. this blog post makes me sad. sad because I realize you aren’t nearly the nice person you sell yourself as.
Unbelievable. Crass and selfish is putting it mildly. Shame on you.What would your mother think of the words that you wrote?
Yes, your mom died, from cancer, like millions of others——-GET OVER IT ALREADY. She’s dead, she’s not coming back, and all the “feeling sorry for yourself” isn’t going to make any difference. It’s unfortunate, but christ, people die and will continue to, so you better get used to it, IT LIFE FOR GODS SAKE!
Felt the blog was harsh for sure. It’s impossible not to have feelings about you own mother and what you might have done differently but really you can’t compare one person’s illness to another…each person and situation is different. It is your blog and you have the right to say what you want, but think about the people that loved him in his family and what it might be like to read something like that. Sometimes you have to turn the other cheeck or keep your fingers from typing…
Wow. I’m shocked at some of these comments… and not in a good way.
Jennifer, I think you wrote an honest piece. How can anyone fault you for that? Clearly you hit a nerve, but who cares?!
If I was in your situation I would feel exactly the same way. Chances are most of these people would too… Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being open and honest. Ever…
hugs…
I understand the second-guessing you are caught up in. My dad died 3 months after a cancer diagnosis. I was floored to learn that there are some cancers that are beyond hope. I played the second-guess-game for a while also. What we are left with is that our parents knew they were loved and appreciated for the time we had them. My dad’s doctors were very up-front about the prognosis…no hope…no treatment…he was already fated to die. If they had been wishy-washy about that, I may have been stuck in the second-guessing stage. Thankfully, they were not. This blog is like your on-line diary…those who are judging your inner thoughts and feelings don’t get it. They are missing the point.
Jennifer, I don’t believe your comments were offensive. My dad (actually, step dad but he was more of a dad than my own father) died from esoph/stomach cancer. He lived entirely too long with this terrible cancer. Does that sound mean? Probably to people who don’t know me or my dad. What I mean is he was in terrible pain and misery and couldn’t do the stuff in the last couple of years of his life he had done until the diagnosis. He felt his life was over and just had to wait to die so he didn’t had to watch everyone around him do the things he could no longer do. Hunt, fish, drive, eat, laugh, walk, go to the bathroom, etc. Words never sound good when read by people who are looking to criticize. I hope no one has to walk in my dad’s shoes no matter how mean they really are. bless you.
How f’ing RUDE of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like your Mother & Patrick Swayze were the only ones battling this horrible disease and it was some kind of competition to who lasted the longest!! Get real, you selfish brat!!
Jen,
I feel compelled to comment as I have mixed feelings about your post. My beloved aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer two months ago. She is going through treatment now, and reading your post was really difficult for me. I am holding out hope for her, along with my entire family. She is our strength, our organizer … the light in our family. I refuse to not have hope and your comments seem a little out of line. What about those who are still fighting the fight?!
On the other hand, I understand that you are grieving. Thank you for simply being honest. In the meantime, I’m going to be selfish and say that I hope my aunt (and anyone else battling this TERRIBLE cancer) outlives your mom’s nine months.
the most frustrating issue with ANY illness needing treatment is which treatment is best. When somebody is very ill there are so many people coming at you with “we can try this, but it might cause that”…for the loved ones it is very hard to make these decisions. Jennifer I totally understand your blog and questioning of why did Patrick get one more additional day. LOVE U
What an amazing and honest post. Thank you! It’s okay to be this honest…
Doesn’t matter what others say or think about your honesty. Own that it’s the way you feel and let it be.
I for one am grateful for your honesty. I’d feel the same way you do… Doesn’t make us bad people. It just is what it is.
Love and peace to you!
I get what you are trying to say and I think it is healthy thing to admit. You will probably benchmark your mom’s cancer experience against others’ for a long time, if not forever. I think it is a way of reconciling the emotional pain. Thanks for your honesty.
No need to explain or apologize. The readers and listeners love to criticize. Writing your blog is therapy. Stay honest and true to yourself.
read the definition:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Survivor_guilt
This is you. We LOVE you Jennifer! Get help!
write then read then wait then send. can’t comment as everyone has for me. you should have stopped at the finally. as in finally he is out of pain and dancing in the stars. not finally,this is what i mean, i’m a jennifer.
Enough already! Your rudeness and blatant disrespect to the Swayze family is way out of line. You owe them and all of his friends and fans a huge apology. We have all lost somebody we loved, be it a parent, child, or partner. You are making it all about YOU! This is not all about YOU! Get over yourself already, the show used to be fun, entertaining and something I looked forward to. Now, it is something I occasionally tune into and honestly I hope each day you will take the day off and Alexis will do the show alone. Get some professional help with your All About Me issues or get a new job.
Wow, I really think people took this too harsh. Feelings are just that… feelings. You can’t help but feel what you feel. YOu can’t help but feel frustrated that your mom was taken away from you faster. And you can’t help to feel some weird relief that your mom wasn’t the only one singled out by this horrible disease. Nobody is walking in your shoes, so don’t let the negative comments affect the way you feel about this.
I’m normally a fan and have defended you in the past on this blog, but WTF?
Maybe you should think of the families of the troops that were killed by getting shot to death, blown up and their heads cut off, or the children that get kidnapped, raped and dismembered, instead of your mother dying of a cancer!! CHRIST!!!
I love this saying. “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” – Benjamin Disraeli Our feelings are just that- our feelings. I should send you a sticker that is on my bike rack. A friend of my daughter had them made when their friend was diagnosed with cancer. It says “Fuck cancer in the face.”
Jennifer, while you’re so busy being jealous, has it occurred to you that Patrick had 10 more mos. to be in pain. Is that really what you wanted for your mother?
You’ve managed to stoop lower than your friend Alexis!
What Jennifer is feeling is normal. She has a guilt. Don’t fault her. She expressed her feelings. A lot of people have the same feelings when a loved one dies from cancer. I see it all the time. She has been more vocal with her feelings. I give her praise for this. I work with cancer patients daily. I see what it does to the family. They have a lot of guilt after the loved one passes. Could we have done more, what if we tried this. Why is that person still alive and my mom or dad dead. To many what if’s. The answer is, no one knows what the cancer is going to do. It effects everyone differently. Some live for years, and others pass after a few months. It all depends on the person. Leave Jen alone. If the blog is that up setting then leave and don’t read it.
Here is ya hugg Jenn ()
While your honesty is admirable, it is probably best saved for those who really know, love and understand you & where you are coming from. It sounds a little cold & mean to those of us who only feel like we know you. Either way you must at least consider talking to someone about your grief and guilt – it always poses the danger of changing who you are & I don’t think your mom would have wanted that. Also read “The Year of Magical Thinking” – you seem to be having your own.
Hi, Jennifer! Baked anything lately? We love seeing what you and Alexis bake! Any good recipes? thanks, Garrett
you’re the best to share so honestly. i don’t think i could be that brave. i’m sure his passing has reopened some old wounds. i can’t even imagine what youve been through/are going through.
I read your post last night and it has stayed with me all day. I understand these are you honest feelings and they are what they are… for good or bad. I’m sympathetic to your loss and can’t imagine the depths of your grief. I also feel that part of being a mature adult is exercising good judgment when it comes to when and how you share the darkest and most callous of those feelings. I recognize this is your blog and you have the right to post what you like, however, this is not a private diary, nor is it a therapy session (or shouldn’t be). I’m not suggestion you become some Pollyanna (no fun for anyone), but I would ask that you pause and consider the impact of your words before you share them with the world. If you still feel good about what you wrote, so be it, but it’s my hope that you see things differently today.
I’ve defended you on this blog before. After certain firestorms I’ve commented in your defense. But this one is very hard to defend you on. I find it near impossible. You usually express yourself better, but this one is brutal.
To suggest that someone “not read the blog” because we are distraught, disappointed or sincerely concerned for Jennifer, and decide to comment on it, is ridiculous. I visit her blog regularly because I typically enjoy it very much. Once read a post cannot be unread, and since she is posting in a public forum that welcomes comments people will and should be free to respond any way they wish.
1) Has anyone noticed HOW MANY posts have someone they love being diagnosed with cancer?
2) Imagine what we could accomplish if we took all this anger towards Jen for being honest, and put it towards beating this effing disease.
p.s I’m a cancer survivor and I don’t find her honesty repulsive at all. Yes, I think I’ve earned the right to say that.
Hi Jen- After my dad literally dropped dead of a heart attack, I was bitter and upset every time I saw an obese person who still got to live…my dad was normal weight his whole life, didn’t drink or smoke. So, I get it. I might not sound nice, but I get it. I think it is the bitterness and unfair feeling death leaves us with… take care.
All I can say is I pray no one in his family reads what you wrote. Did I ever say in a blog to people like you… MY BEST FRIEND ONLY MADE IT 3 WEEKS after he was diagnosed? Thank God your MOM FINALLY died. Cuz it was really upsetting me. See? Not very nice huh? Kinda hurts? You need to keep some thoughts to yourself. Nine months your mom made it? How LUCKY for you. My friend’s kids that were 9,7 and 2 only had 2 weeks with their father before he couldn’t function. SUCK IT UP BEEOTCH.
Honestly, I will feel more for a family member than I will ever feel for a random celebrity. Because it’s MY pain. I think a lot of you missed the point in what Jennifer wrote. I was pregnant (for the first/only time) at the age of 45 and miscarried what I hope was a “flawed” fetus. When I hear of someone my age giving birth to a severely handicapped baby, as sad as it may be, and no matter how much compassion I feel, deep down…. I feel relief. Yes, we are all selfish in some way. And when it hits close to home, our feelings should not be judged.
I don’t know how anyone could have a problem with your honest feelings. I think it’s brutally honest and perhaps natural to be frustrated that a star lived so much longer with the same disease. It doesn’t feel fair on some level. I get it. It would make me paranoid, frankly, that his doctors somehow did more.
People, Jennifer’s words are from an emotional place – a raw place – not a rational place. She would hope you knew the difference. It surprised me that many don’t.
Oh, tell all these fucking whiney annoying blog-readers to piss off. To tell you the truth, when I heard the news about PS, YOU were the first person I thought of. Damn, why couldn’t Jenn’s mom still be alive.
Obviously these people who are bitching about your comments have never bargained with nature/science to keep their loved ones around just a year, a month, a day longer!!
PISS OFF WHINERS!!!
I lost my dad in 06 to the same cancer that killed Ted Kennedy. My Dad only lived 9 months after treatment. I have to admit it, it pissed me off just a little that Kennedy got 6 more months than my Dad! Right or wrong, it’s how I feel………
. The double edge sword of modern medicine is well, healing and or prolonging the inevitable. If everyone had a chance to say good bye and say I love you well that is the blessing of hospice.
My dearest cousin just lost his beloved wife to ovarian cancer last week — the funeral is today. She fought for 3 and 1/2 years. A courageous battle. I’ll bet my cousin Ed and his wife, Anna would have wished for another 10 seconds. It’s painful to let go.
https://www2.mem.com/ContentDisplay.aspx?ID=17077128
RIP Anna
RIP Patrick
RIP Bunny
I often wondered if there was any reason for you to have the forum that you do on the radio. Now I know for sure that you’re just plain human like the rest of us and you, like many others, don’t know when to keep your thoughts to yourself. Your comments last night felt like a kick in the stomach to me and I’m no more than a casual fan of Patrick Swayze.
I guess if you have a comment that you don’t like you just dont post it. I think you need to start to understand death. All mothers die of something. It’s better they die before you, can you imagine what kind of pain they would feel if it were the other way around?
You usually alway say it how you feel it – there is nothing wrong will your blog – keep being who you are…….
I love how these people think they are above us humans
🙂
I feel your sadness Jennifer.
Patrick Swayze did rally, and it makes you question the decisions that were made regarding someone you loved dearly. Normal.
My father died Feb 1st. He, like your mother, only had 9 months since he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. What an ugly, horrible disease. It is normal to question how long Mr. Swayze fought his battle.
Heartbreaking. You are not alone.
Two people close to me are suffering from lung cancer. They do not know each other. One chose to do everything known to medicine to prolong his life. The other gave up and is in hospice on a morphine drip. They both suffer. They are both in pain. As the onlooker, chosing to live and giving up looks the same. Having witnessed this first hand, I’m not sure which path I would chose for myself.
I know there are quite a lot of comments so I will make this quick. Anyone who has watched a family member battle and sucumb to cancer know it is a long, ugly process. In the end it is a relief for them to be at peace. of course you dont want to lose them but they arent the same anymore and you dont want them to suffer. Dont judge until you have been in this situation your self.
I am compelled to comment. Your blog post is a disgrace. You are a selfish, ungrateful woman. It isn’t always about you. I now have a reason to stop listening to you and reading this blog, Finally.
Wow. A little rough this time, Jennifer. Sheesh. I mean, come on: “even patrick swayze in all his dirty dancing glory couldn’t beat this disease.” Are you kidding me? I know this will annoy the big-time fans (ms elso, amyrabuffo et. al.)but, come on!
Although I understand what you mean, Jennifer, I look at it differently (after my own parent lived 19 months with lung cancer).
Given the diagnosis of certain death like certain cancers “allow”, I think 9 months is much better than enduring mental and physical anguish an additional 10 months”.
I would have preferred much less battle and more quality, compressed time with my own parent.
Either way of looking at it, it’s sad, infuriating and just godawful. I feel for your family and the Swayze family. And amidst the frustration, I do hope there is a wonderful component to your upcoming holiday that will make you and your family cherish what remains.
Kevin, Get over YOURself…do you really think anyone cares if you listen or dont? Jennifer didnt say anything selfish, ungrateful or disgraceful; in fact her blog was refreshingly honest and sincere…she is entitled to feel however she needs to in order to deal with the overwhelming loss of her mother…. and, in truth, her blog is about her- who else should it be about??
Jennifer, stay strong as you have been and ignore those who are looking for a reason to be negative.
I am struggling for two years over the decisions we made as my little brother faded away and died of Juvenile Diabetes (Type I). It is called survivor’s guilt and it will haunt you to your grave if you don’t resolve to let it go and realize you did what you thought was right at the time. That cost me my $160 shrink appt fee, but I am telling you for free!
Morning becimes you, Electra. Kevin can voice his opinion as well as you and Jennifer. Your attacking him is no better than his on Jannifer. Hang in there, Jennifer!
Oh, the drama! Patrick Swayze died. Finally. Huh? Honest and emotional, yes: self-centered and without compassion: you bet. I understand what blogs are for, Jennifer, but, this one stinks. Just my opinion, Electra!
I love you Jen but that’s a little rough. I think you need to finally get some help. Best wishes.
I agree with Lucy, Jennifer. It comes across as harsh and bitter. It will continue to eat you up. Time for some help. WE CARE AND LOVE YOU. GET SOME WELL NEEDED HELP, PLEASE??
Wow. not too sure how to take this post. i usually remain a “lurker” but having lost my mom to lung cancer (sorry to you too, Emmy) almost two years to the day of being told, we are connected by the topic. we are connected by the anger, the sadness, the grief, the “what ifs” and “why nots” this illness offers to those that have it and the ones that love them. i can honestly say i have never been mad that someone has lived longer than my mom did. does that make me a better person than you? no. has it made me question LOTS of things and people? heck yes! i will NEVER understand why my mom was taken so early, especially when she had so much more to offer to me, her only child, and her two grandchildren. what i do understand about cancer is that it is an equal opportunity illness—no matter your sex, color, religion, economic status, orientation — no matter what, it is the ultimate equalizer. and that’s the part that sucks. for all of us…
It’s ok Jen. We all do what we need to do to deal with this. 3 months after Ted Kennedy was diagnosed with brain cancer I counted ahead and made a silent prediction about when he would die. I took care of a dear friend who died from the same thing. I was off by one week….I know it’s impossible not to, but try not to dwell on the decisions you made. You and your family did the best that you could. And you did the right thing.
I often wondered how you felt about him living longer than your mom did and tonight you put the wonder to rest. Your blog is open and honest as every one of your blogs has been in the past and this is why your true fans will continue to listen and read.
Wow. Your post is just callous and bitter and awful. I agree with the others who say it is time you seek professional help & I don’t mean that as an insult. I honestly think you should be ashamed that that is what your reaction was.
Jennifer
I love this post.
It’s genuine. It’s honest. I adore the fact, despite knowing the looming negative comments, you can share your personal thoughts.
It is that, which compels me to subscribe to Sirius Radio just to listen to you and Alexis gab!
Ha!
xoxo
My father died six months after diagnosis with gallbladder cancer – he was diagnosed Christmas week December, 2006 and died June, 2007. It was awful. The last two years have been the hardest of my life. As I have read your blog, I have truly felt for you – I know that regardless of how eloquent anyone may be, it is impossible to fully articulate the sense of loss, the anger and the sense of helplessness. It is a feeling of being set adrift – suddenly the person that anchored your world is gone. I wish you the best as you continue to find your way after the loss of your mother.
WOW,
Everyone needs to cut her some slack. She voiced how she was feeling. There are so many questions she has inside her. All the what if’s. She in part is still grieving for her mother. This is her blog, and she will blog as she sees fit. She is expressing her feelings. She is being honest. I mean god. let her alone. If the blog is to bothersome then don’t read it.
Here is a HUG Jenn
Jennifer, I completely understand your thoughts and feelings about this. I admire you for having the courage to post them on your blog. Too few people in this world live authentically. I believe you do. Hugs!
Your father is at the top of Martha’s empire… one would assume that your family had the same ability as Patrick’s to get the best medical care. Also, she was loved by strangers because of you. Patrick SUFFERED another 10 months longer than your mother. I agree with some of the other posters, you need help with your issues. It is eating you up inside and making someone who used to be fun and silly and entertaining in to someone black and cold and having to use someone else’s death to bring some peace. If nothing else, forgive yourself already. Your mother is gone and I am sure the last thing she would want is for you to be like this. Let it go.
What can i say?…Harsh, Cruel, but brutually honest and thats what jennifer is all about! She says exactly how she feels! Having lost my mother a little more than 1 month ago i live the why? what if? what else? and the its not fair game everyday of my life! We all don’t understand why our loved ones were chosen to be taken before the time that we think is fair but we spend much of our time wondering and asking why and how. Having this avenue for jennifer to speak her mind is all the HELP she needs. It is perfectly normal and healthy for her to feel some sense of relief that patrick swayze couldn’t dirty dance his way out of the dreadful disease and that it is an equal opportunity illness. it helps her with her own healing process as far as second guessing her decisions. if patrick swayzes death does something helpful for jennifer it will hopefully allow her to second guess a little less. Try and have a happy healthy new year!
jenny- as a listener, i know you have a huge heart and relief that someone died is totally different from wishing someone to die. so thank you for being so honest in your blog. i appreciate your candor.
No, you shouldn’t be “ashamed.” You disclosed a human reaction, along with recognizing (without dismissing) the myriad criticisms that could come your way for having it. Presumably you didn’t know Swayze personally, so the most meaningful aspect of the news about his illness and death in your world would naturally be the question of how long he survived vs your mother. Maybe if readers considered a hypothetical: Swayze lived another ten years beyond diagnosis – and then re-read your main point (second-guessing choices made for your mother), perhaps what you expressed would make better sense to them. That you would take some form of comfort in an event that affirmed that people succumb in a short time regardless of choices made, and with the best care possible, is completely human. There is nothing inappropriate in revealing those thoughts either – people who visit this blog know you are open about how you are dealing with the loss of your mother.
Just sending a hug.
You mean you didn’t love Road House? What about Point Break? What about She’s Like the Wind? What about Father Hood? What about To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar?
I have to agree with the above posters. Your reaction may be honest, but it’s still unhealthy. I think you would benefit from a return to therapy. If it’s good enough for Alexis, why not you?
I lost a brother in law to lymphoma, I totally understand where you are coming from Jennifer. I’ve worked i health care for years, and I knew what we were going to deal with to a point, but I still get harsh feelings from time to time, the urge to smack others who claim they “beat cancer”. Guess what folks, you never do, it goes back into hiding to come out years later. And money has nothing to do with it people, you will always wonder if more could have been done, as I am sure the Swayze clan is doing right now.
Nice to see that you sent your condolences to his family in your blog.
I don’t think your post was inappropriate. It was just honest. Grief is a selfish process, that’s not a bad thing, just part of what makes us human. I’ve lost parents and other family members and I know my grief was all about ME. But that’s the only perspective each of us knows: our own.
You know what, Jennifer? You ARE allowed to have those feelings. Screw those who don’t understand the insanely mixed emotions of anger, guilt, depression, longing, sadness, etc. that come with losing a loved one.
We are allowed to grieve in ways that prove to be complex and complicated. Continue to speak out in any way that comforts you. After my boyfriend suddenly died of Hepatitis A one year and eight months ago, my grievance counselor told me everything I was feeling was completely normal. Well, why did I think it wasn’t? She said it was because people don’t like to have real conversations about the feelings that come with loss because–surprise–it’s depressing! She gave me that piece of advice and I carry it with me in my darkest times so that I know that I’m not crazy. I’m just a normal human going through the grieving process.
I don’t think you have “issues,” Jennifer. I think you are grieving. The pain doesn’t stop with the flip of a switch. So what if someone who loses a loved one becomes angry and bitter sometimes? You try being chipper after a piece of your heart, a piece of your life, and a piece of your happiness is ripped away from you.
I hear you Jennifer. and completely understand. No disrespect to him or his loved ones but there are always what ifs when it comes to illness. whether its a heart attack and what if there was a defribillator there… to did we try everything to beat cancer, als, aids, etc.
hang in there, you are real and honest and we love that about you.
The truth shall set you free…Jennifer, saying what and how you feel shouldn’t be supressed. My younger brother died August 31st of lung cancer. I am angry, depressed and unbearably sad. I have also angered everyone in my family and my friends with my anger, but those who love me understand and forgive my rants.
Jennifer, your thoughts and expression are appreciated. I think that anyone who is objective can see that. I didn’t get ill will from your post, only honesty. The negative posts certainly may speak louder than the supportive ones, but I hope you recognize this, and continue on your own path. Only you can make the choices for your life. Go ahead and make them.
Look at it like this. Patrick suffered more than your mother did. Now thats not so good. Everyone has there own individual time clock. None of us know when our time is up. Thats what faith is all about. For the same reason your mother died too soon, a friend that I knew that was diagnosed at age 19, with a fatal cancer and told he would most likly pass by the age of 21 , now still lives on strong in remission and is now 45. Doctors cant tell you when your time is up nor when you time isnt up………….Only God can………
I totally understand. I lost my mom to cancer on August 25 of this year . . . . . . All I can say is that I understand. God bless you as you continue on your healing journey.
I have lost my Dad and lost my Mom. I have lost my mother-in-law and my father-in-law.
Some from cancer, some not…You need to get over it. It is sad, but losing a child is certainly much worse. Life sucks. Celebrate your Mom, cherish your Dad for he too wil pass, hopefully before you, as it should be in the order of life.
I know it is hard to lose a parent, been there and done that, but you loved her, she loved you,
I hope I have not offended, but you are dwelling too much on her death. It is sad, it is awful, it is devastating, but love and honor her memory with your own children and get over it….
Chris from upstate NY
I understand this comment somewhat. Still reeling from the death of my mother from lung cancer..yes, she was a smoker, but began smoking way back in it’s heyday. Yes, she knew she should quit, but sadly, it was too late. Lung cancer victims get no sympathy, no walks, no runs, no fundraising…just the eyebrow lift paired w/ the condescending “nod”. Many lung cancer patients have never smoked a day in their life. But yes, my mom did. So did Patrick..however, yes, it can be too late to quit at times and in the end for them it would have made no difference. I have wrestled with the “what if’s ” and still do. Just saddened that this Beast called cancer has claimed Jennifer’s mom, my mom, and Patrick, and too many more terrific and irreplaceable souls. It incenses me that there are cures for baldness, ED, and so many more asinine conditions yet, radiation, chemo, and many other cancer meds and treatments have not really changed since the 1960’s. Times and administration practices have changed but the basic components remain the same. We have to watch our loved ones die a “slow” death, to live, rather than a fast death. Just wanted to let Jennifer know that I watch the show and I, too belong the the motherless club, too.
My mother has now been gone for 2 years~darlin’ when it comes to our mothers everyone else comes in second~I get it~I know your pain.
i get where you’re coming from. my mum died last year and ever since then i have guiltily found myself getting angry at women who are older than she was. such a shameful feeling but it must be normal based on much of what i read here. as for getting over it (@chris, upstate NY) i believe this happens in its own time. it’s been 15 months for me and altho it’s easier it’s still damned hard.
I understand what your reaction, Jennifer. My mom died from ovarian cancer almost a year ago, and I second guess everything we did, especially why didn’t we get a diagnosis sooner. As time goes on, the second guessing lessens, but every once in awhile it comes from out of nowhere and just slams you.
Jennifer, thank you for letting me know that I am not alone. I feel EXACTLY the same way you do. I lost my Mother in November 2002 to pancreatic cancer. She only lived 8 months after diagnosis. It was horrible. There is no other word for it. We still second guess everthing that was done right untill the end. But what could we do. Nothing. I hope someday there will be a cure for this horrific death sentence. Bless you, our mothers, and all who are touched by this cancer.
My Aunt died Monday, of pancreatic cancer too. Her family thinks it manifested in Oct 2008. She never went to be checked out, for her symptoms, until 3 weeks ago, when she could barely stand up. That was when she received the diagnosis of “terminal”. She refused any treatment. She did it “her way”.
I’m not sure what is worse……watching someone die, after receiving treatment, or the shock of having someone die, because they didn’t receive treatment, and it all seemed so quick?
There will be grief, no matter how it happens, and how long a person/family member deals with it, is up to them, and no one should be judgemental about it. Peace.
I liked his acting he always mixed me up with himself and the bit better looking DUDE Goldie Hawn has…
I have lost my parents too from cancer. Many people have benefited from the painful radical treatments my mother went through. Jennifer is a young soul and immature at best. She spoke her truth as she felt it and I guess that is important to her and us all because it reinforces who we are as people. Could you imagine a world where everyone felt this way. What a cold cold shallow world it would be. we need all kinds in this world and Jennifer is just right for our world. …. and in time she may uncover another truth? I wonder if jennifer would ever bike for a cure? I guess not it may depress her too much if it had a positive influence in curing some forms of cancer.
Hey Jennifer,
Well people are entitled to their opinion. My grandmother died of cancer when I was 12. I am almost glad I was younger because I think processing it now would be that much harder. But if I pretend she lived longer and I was old enough to have more of a bond with her, it would have been hard. I would think the same thing you would have. I don’t know why people are so quick to judge you about this issue. Its hard when the person who gave you life, raised you etc dies. Where I don’t have personal experience with this, I can put myself in someones shoes and just imagine what that feels like. I too would think the same in regards to “where he had updated medicine, technology, money etc” it didn’t matter. I totally get where you are coming from. It’s so easy for someone to say “just get over it.” I don’t think it’s like that. I don’t think you just wake up one day and say “I am over it!!!” I think each day, week, month, year gets easier. But one will never forget the loss of that person. Everyone processes things differently, moves on differently, thinks different thoughts. That is why we are all different. I agree with what terrymtz said. Allow yourself your own thoughts, feelings etc. I think people just get annoyed beause they are not so used to such honesty. I think the world could use more confontation and expression of our own feelings. Thanks for sharing those thoughts.
well I lost my Dad to cancer 10 days before I was born, how’s that for one-upmanship. I never knew my father, nor did he ever get to lay eyes on me. I look exactly like him. I have lived my whole life not knowing a father’s love, but I hope I never say to anyone “he died. finally.”