trying not to cry today. who am i kidding. totally crying today!
today is my son jacob’s birthday. he is 11. and he is awesome. and i miss my mother.
she’d go crazy over how big he is. she’d be so proud.
we will be having a poker/blackjack party tonight. and i’ll be broadcasting from home. it will be fun. we will celebrate. and we will laugh.
and i will tell myself today that my mom is watching.
even if i don’t really know that she is.
time has been helping.
but happy days like today make me feel sad.
xxx
jennifer
twitter: jenniferhutt
fb: jennifer koppelman hutt
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I went through a very stressful time recently. Tried not to cry, tried not to cry, tried to keep it under control….Panic attack, panic attack, panic attack… cried a lot!! I’m feeling much better now. Just Do It!!!
How can you makes statements such as ” I will tell myself that my Mom is watching even if I dont know that she is………….of course she is with you at ever moment, Believing is not always seeing……. Its ok to cry and complain just never say that you dont know that she isnt there………..you just need to believe that she is.
Jennifer – she is watching. She knows how much you miss her…
Happy Birthday to Jacob. 🙂
. greif last forver&loss. willl creep up when you never expect it. just passed3 anniv of loss.
special occasions are hard when you’re trying to deal with a loss, especially a mother.
happy birthday to jacob. hope he has a great/fun party. enjoy!!!!
so true Jenn..Be strong! Have a great time tonight! Happy Bday Jacob!
I can totally sympathize with you Jennifer. My Dad passed away 6 years ago and still on each every one of my children’s birthdays or holidays I cry over my Dad not being there 🙁 it’s okay to feel this way…take it as it comes….peace love and a hug to you!
Your mom would want you to be celebrating with your son not mourning her. Would she have mourned on your birthday , hopefully she would have been grateful to her parents for having her and thus you ! Try and keep it real for your little guy and be grateful for such a wonderful mom and son !
Jennifer–I am so sorry, I too lost my mom and thought it was 21 years ago there are so many times I wish she was here, miss her, want to tell her things, go places with her, etc. I know the feeling and it does get better but for me it never goes away.
Have a good day Jennifer. I understand how you feel. Amy
Peace be with you my dear…..
I HAVEN’T LOST A CLOSE RELATIVE BY DEATH YET KNOCK ON WOOD, BUT I HAVE A 2 YR OLD NEPHEW NAMED JACOB, AND A NEW 3 WK OLD NAMED NOAH, AND A NINE YR OLD NIECE MEGAN THAT I LIVE 2000 MILES FROM AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE HEART WRENCHING THEN THAT, BUT I WISH U COULD OVERCOME THE SADNESS THAT U FEEL FROM THE PASSING OF YOUR MOM, DO U HAVE ANY OTHER CLOSE FAMILY???? I JUST FEEL AWEFUL THAT U R SO SAD!!
CAN U POST SOME PICS OF YOUR CHILDREN????
Thanks for sharing, Jennifer.
I like to hear what you have to say.
Have fun tonight!
Show him your strength today and he will learn the behavior along his path so he will be better prepared to “deal” with loss…we are always role models for our kids….as your mother was for you and your sister and brother.
Your baby is 11…..enjoy!
C
Happy Birthday to Jacob! and yes she will be watching. Have a good time, she will be happy and proud!
Hi Jen,
You need to not be negative about what you may be thinking or feeling about your mom. Your mom is always watching ovr you and guiding you. Yes you will have those days when you feel things are not right but look at what you do have and that is your dad, your siblings, your hubby, your kids and family and friends. They are all there for you. Your mom wouldn’t want you to be sad everyday. Enjoy your game night party and have a good time and smile and be joyful. Happy Birthday to Jacob. Be happy and stay strong.
it takes soooo much time . . .
Oh my goodness Jennifer this is my first time on your blog and you had to pull my heart strings. My Mother died when I was twenty three of breast cancer and my Dad also passed away before my son was born. I think the same thing every birthday,Christmas any special occassion he has just graduated from High School.
Your Mother lives within you. How you hold him ,how you laugh,all those winderful things you do with him are a part of her.Is she looking down on you absolutely. ( and no I am not a religous nut)Just another mother
wait till he starts to drive yikes
deep breaths, Jennifer
Good God! Here we go again with “I’m happy, but I’m crying because my mother is dead.” And now all the cows will slam me because I wrote this. Let it rip, ladies…
I get the grief part, but a poker/blackjack kids birthday party? What, no stippers? (Just kidding, but seriously?)
Lost my Dad almost 2 years ago to the big ugly C. You would think after the first year it gets easier, but the 2nd year seems more real. Maybe the 3rd year will be easier.
i wish i could tell you it gets better, but it doesn’t, at least not all of the time. one thing to be grateful for (and i know youre grateful for a lot) is that your children are old enough to remember your mother. she is a part of them. so she really is watching…(((HUGS)))
I agree! Here we go again. Let’s hear it Ms. Elso. I tried of hearing Jennifers pain. I think she does it on purpose to get her readers all riled up.
dear Jennifer,
yes, your mom is definitely watching. Believe that she is, because she is, always.
take care and take heart.
I remember going through a very bad time when my daughter was 3-4, she’s now 12- and a friend telling me that I had to get it together because it wasn’t all about me. She clued me in that I was missing all the happiness by all the focus on my grief. She asked me if this is how I wanted my daughter to see me now and the future-I didn’t and it straigthen me up. Life is too precious and short to remain miserable about things we cannot change. I’ve read this blog for several monhs and have always thought about your kids and how you are impacting them-this is their childhood-do you want them to always see you as the mother who was consumed by her grief?
So you rail against taking a child to Hooters, then throw your kid a gambling-themed birthday party? Your hypocrisy knows no limits.
I don’t care what anyone writes on this blog but Jennifer has every right to grieve, for as long as she wants. Their are days that she will be very happy and days she will be very sad. She’s grieving the death of her mother so why don’t all you spoilers leave her the alone and let her grieve for as long as she wants. I think many of you may have not exprienced having a loved one die, whom you were very close too. Give her a break. I went through this and I can tell you first hand all the therapy and pills will not fix the loss you feel in your heart. That missing person is not coming back and you will never see him or her again on this earth. You really have to grieve by your self. A year is nothing. Amy
Jennifer when you morn so deeply (without knowing it) you hold your mother back because of the love she has for you. Start to let her go & both your mom & yourself will be able to walk forward. If not for yourself then do it for you mom.
Jennifer you will always have those feelings…most of the time during happy events. My mother passed away when I was four yrs old (I’m in my late thirties) and sometimes I think of her being here, what she would say, do, think and it’s emotional. It’s completely normal and means you’re a person who loves and feels love.
Jen, hope you had a good time at the party. You mentioned “100 Years” the other day – that one always gets me too. A few years ago I compiled all the home movies my parents had taken over the years and put them to music for them. I used that song for the birthdays segment, which included lots of footage of my grandparents who have all passed away. Dealing with loss and birthdays at the same time – bittersweet indeed. To the snipers: Let’s see..Jennifer posts about missing her mother and looking forward to her son’s birthday party in order to “get her readers riled up”? Here I thought she missed her mother and was looking forward to her son’s birthday party. Why ascribe some oddball motive where no proof exists? The fact that she posted about it doesn’t indicate any intent of any kind. Reading the comments here, you will notice that some say they relate to what she says, and/or appreciate that she shares these things. This back-and-forth is what’s known in the human world as a “blogger’s relationship with his/her readers.” There is no solicitation in Jennifer’s post, and no readers seem “riled up” to me. Again, one must conclude you either don’t experience reality the same way normal people do, or you’re dishonest about what’s really plaguing you. At any rate, nobody takes you seriously 🙂
TL,DR – your post is longer than the original blog post! But this jumped out at me: “Nobody takes you serously.” LOL! Pot, meet Kettle. Kettle, this is Pot. What a wackadoo!
Jennifer, you will grieve for a very long time because you were very fortunate to have this wonderful woman as your mother. Some of us are very lucky to be blessed with such great moms. It is ok to cry and feel sad you have every right to. You will have to put on that happy face for your children and Dad but deep down your heart is torn in half. Don’t let anyone tell you not to be upset you have every right to.
It always feels like someone is missing because they are, stay strong for your children and help your joy find you.
hope your son had a great party. I am just shocked he is 11 already! not too long till he is a teen. keep thinking of your kids as little, guess it just proves you have been on the air for awhile. Hugs to you
Dear God Ms. Elso…give it up!!!!! Now as for you Jennifer, after watching some of Whatever, Martha, why don’t you try a little dignity…your loud mouth and grade school mentality is really very tiring..especially for a woman your age. Not a good example for your kids and certainly not very becoming. You make Alexis look good (well, sometimes). O.K. Ms. Elso…let me have it so people can see once again just how STUID you are.
Ahhhh to be called a “cow” by some nitwit just makes my day! And yes, I’d be in that group, based on my a) defense of Jennifer’s right to have mixed emotions with regard to her mother’s death/absence b) outspokennese when it comes to the fuck-tards who come onto this (and Alexis’) blog for the sole purpose of criticizing and degrading c) zero tolerance for assholes who hide behind the anonymity provided by the internet to exercise their hate-muscles which obviously take the place of brains!
Jennifer I think it was a really BAD idea by some poster above who asked if you would post photos of your childern! NO! NEVER! And subject them to abuse, ridicule (even kidnapping!)just because you are their mother? I think NOT!
Have you read “Many Lives, Many Masters”? I have read it many times over the years and especially after I lost my father and then my brother. NOT saying it is factual since, like you, I do not KNOW, but it does give a different perspective and it did make me feel better about loss. Like maybe it is not loss at all! Check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Many-Lives-Masters-Prominent-Psychiatrist/dp/0671657860
And have a great Sunday!
P.S. I must have missed something. Did you say that the poker party (in the evening) was part of your son’s (daytime) birthday celebration? Maybe my comprehension is not as astute as I’d thought…
YES I know how to spell outspokenness. Ever try to type with a HOOF?MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Hi Jen, I totally feel for you about your mother, I just lost my brother from his 2 1/2 year battle with a cancerous brain tumor, CANCER is an ugly and awful word and I hope nobody has to experience a dying loved one, even the haters on this blog.
Per usual, didn’t need to read the ongoing psychotic ramblings of Ms. Waste of Skin, just scanned right on by it. And ya, getting tired of the boo hoo hoo. I’m sure it’s very real for Jen, but I just can’t handle self pity factor. This blog is getting really gay. Just my opinion.
Jen, not to get all “New Age” here, but we are “human beings” not “human doings” therefore, there is nothing wrong with just being sad. It has to come out sometime, so just let it come out. Nothing wrong with being authentic.
I personally like Jennifer on the TV Show, she has so many funny expressions, gestures and comments. And I’m not ass kissing, cause there’s no need to, I just say what I like. Alexis always looks uncomfortable, could be the old lady hairstyles. But, they are both funny in their own way, can’t wait for this weeks episode!
Jennifer it is a good thing that these special days of happiness bring you to tears. I know that sounds weird but it really isn’t being sad it is tears of joy and your mom sharing in those moments in your life. My mother passed when I was 18, I am now 47 and it still effects me the same way. Don’t let that go…they are just tears of/from heaven.
Jennifer,
Just a simple note to say that I wish nothing but the best for you and your family!
It’s times of happiness that we miss those who meant most to us and that is nothing to be ashamed of, but, it is refreshing to know that you were given the gift of such a great relationship with your mother!
All my best,
Amy
Hahaha, Lisa! I love cows, so enjoyed the compliment too. “Also Agree”: You don’t think Jennifer is funny? I can’t even fathom that. I wouldn’t know where to start in figuring out which of your reasons is the most uptight: age, decibel level, gender, maternity, brand of humor. It would be easier for everyone if you just told us which personalities you do find funny. (Bet most are male and bet they exhibit similar humor to Jennifer’s but you don’t have a problem with it.) Does everyone you like exhibit the “appropriate” sensibility and behavior in all of your areas of concern? I’m suffocating just thinking about that. Jen is a stellar example for her kids and probably keeps them laughing constantly. She seems to try to be nice well beyond what is warranted, another admirable quality. And what exactly is “tiring” about her or her humor? Maybe you should just take a nap before the show.
Ms Elso, dignity has no age…decency has no age. Human decency and MORALS don’t exist any more, that’s why the world is going to hell.
Jennifer is stellar in every way, she’s fantastic, awesome, beautiful, spectacular, fabulous, perfect in every way, and I want to be her girlfriend, please oh please oh please give me some recognition!!! GAG
Jennifer, come on, who’s blog is this anyway? Can’t you filter some of the long winded bullshit? Does she not realize most of us could care less about her preachings? She’s a nutcase, plain and simple, and she knows it too. 🙂 Cheerio………….
When did the word “gay” take on this new, negative connotation? Seems to be used mostly by adolescents but it is offensive nonetheless. I am straight, BTW. But in defense of gays and mourners everywhere, to Holy F: STFU! You’re rude.
Jennifer I understand what you are saying, my daughter just turned 20 in August and it is the 1st bday w/o my mother. It was said, overwhelming and just plain different. They say it gets easier but I think you just learn to deal. Chin up and I hope your son’s birthday is wonderful. Take Care Deb
A pal of mine Jenny girl
had a daughter
the daughter died on MOTHER’S DAy 1971
from lukemia after giving birth to a boy who was then 3 months old
the mother being so depressed and still having a teen son to raise
got under the covers while her son was at school her hubby was at work and blew her brains out!!!
So Jennifer you MUST I mean must get over it and try to do what everyone else does when they lose a loved one…
live life to the fullest..go on with your life girl! You have lots to be thanks ful for((HUGS))
yep it is me L I P
Tomorrow is my son’s 14th birthday. And the first “big deal” since my mom died in August. I just try to think that what we’re doing would make her so happy and then it’s not so bad.