there is this odd freedom that comes with losing one’s mother…almost like when our parents went away on vacation and left us to take care of ourselves- that feeling that no one was checking up on us and we could stay out till 4 am without consequences, that’s the feeling i have today. that my mother isn’t checking up on me. and although this is incredibly sad- and i miss her more than i can adequately describe, it is in fact a truth-
that losing one’s mother means losing the one who (constantly) monitors what you are doing and let’s you know just how you should be doing it.
i remember my mother used to say to me "i’m the only one who’ll tell you the truth jenny" and, yes, i’m well aware it was HER truth, but really- who other than your mother has a more direct and honest way of dealing with you?
in some ways losing my mother has made me feel less accountable for my actions. and although i know this isn’t exactly how i should be feeling long term, i welcome the gift of not judging my behavior for right now.
and at almost 40 (next month) and motherless, i’m caring less and less about what anyone thinks about me.
whether it is my wearing a swimsuit on the beach with my ever too full thighs touching (ok I do wear a sarong but it is unfortunately see through!) or riding the ocean’s waves with my son and nephew or my being friendly to strangers or my hip hop dancing with my daughter or my taking xanax to manage my fear of flying or just about everything i do at this point,
i do it just because i want to. and I don’t dwell on how unattractive, silly, nutty, odd etc. i may appear.
this is growth. and this is good.
xxx
jennifer
fb: jennifer koppelman hutt
twitter: jenniferhutt
I needed this today, you always get what you didn’t know you needed, or what you needed but didn’t know. I lost my mom when I was 8, and you know there are those times when you just think, I miss my mom more today, or right now. But I am who I am because this happened. I’ll do the best I have with what I have and hope everything turns out for the best. Have a great day, enjoy your tweets!
Suzanne
Jennifer, Have you read Motherless Daughters yet? It is a great self help book (which I never thought I would say) most of it deals with young girls who have lost their mother (I am 27 and lost mine 2 years ago) but there are many parts about adults losing their mothers and losing mom’s in general. I have found SO much comfort in reading women who feel the same, which makes those awkward feelings and thought feel somewhat normal. Not a book to read in public, but a good one for when you need to look inside yourself and heal.
It occurs to me that any reaction or commentary on your post is diametrically opposed to the point of the post.
p.s. I really like what you wrote and how you wrote it. Good for you!
Jenn, today I turn 49. My mother is 93 and you know, everything you said today is so poignant and truthful. While she is still alive, my mother gives it to me straight and what rings so true with what you wrote is that “was HER truth” and I have lifelong doubts that I am not good enough just because I am heavy! Lifelong! At 49, I am learning to speak MY TRUTH and instead of getting stuck on a number … I am learning to try to embrace life, stand up for myself and just let my soul go. Bravo Jennifer – Love your truth and Alexis’.
You are such a beautiful person with such a gift for summing it all up for the rest of us. Well put. We should all follow your advice. Lots of love and big hugs to you (and Alexis).
Lovely.
Jen, your post was so touching, it brought tears to my eyes. I cannot imagine having to deal with that loss…Im 42 and my mother still thinks Im 4, commenting on my every action!…I think its great that you dont care what others think about you (you shouldnt)! You are an inspiration.
My mom died in march of 09 so I know. I stopped by the cemetery yesterday to have the usual one sided conversation. I’m 58 and she was 79. Miss her like I was 10.
One of the greatest things about turning 40 is not caring about stuff that really doesn’t matter. Things that bothered me at 35 don’t concern me at 41. It’s as if someone flipped a switch.
My father died at age 51 when I was 27 years old. I have no relationship to speak of with my mother due to her being mentally ill. I’ve grieved the loss of my parents and understand the feelings associated with it. The persistent thought I have about the loss is that my life will never be the same, that I am changed by the experience. I try not to be reduced by it, but instead be enhanced by it. Growth is good.
HUGS!
I deal with this daily and most people don’t get it. I am 43 and been without a mom since 15. I was placed in foster care at that point. My mom was never there for me( nor my family to be honest). The intense longing I have for a mom hurts so very much at times, most days actually.
I deal with such sadness whenever a birthday comes or a holiday or when I finally had my little boy at 42 yrs old. I went through 5 miscarriages before and I can tell you I really needed a mom. No one can fill the loss of one’s mom. I wish I had better memories of mine when she was in my life. I have been told to get over it and yes I have. I have no choice, this is the life I got dealt with.
My mom and dad died when I was in my early thirties. We had no relationship at that point. Now I try to concentrate on being a good mom to my little boy. He fills a void and is my sunshine, but there is still a longing for someone to mother me.
Be kind to yourself, fuck all those that don’t get it. One day they too will lose a parent.. it just happened to us sooner. You are a dear soul and I envy what you had. You aren’t alone with your feelings. There are many of us. Much kindness sent your way Jennifer.
People assume that growth and developmental milestones are only relevant for children and teenagers. Not so. We reach developmental milestones throughout our lifetimes. The 40’s are just what you said – feeling accepting and good about ourselves for just what we are/what we are becoming.
I’ve written to you before on this blog, because you lost your mom at the same time that I lost my dad.
I’m in nursing school…..an “older” student : )
…and today was the first day of classes for this semester. Long story short – when we were doing introductions of ourselves I started to talk about my dad’s illness and I started to cry. It’s been a year and a half, and…..yikes.
I don’t think there’s a timetable for grief.
anyway, it’s an ongoing process – grief, life, all of it. Blessings to you in the new year, Jennifer.
I lost my mom 6 years ago (and you and I are the same age so I think I understand your frame of mind in turning 40) and I’ve never heard anyone else say this. So so true. I remember telling my mom tearfully when I was a teenager “Don’t you know how much everything you say to me MEANS so much?” And that was after something stupid and inconsequential like telling me my outfit was dumb.
She and I were very very close and I’m so happy I can say that. BUT there was a claustrophobia there too. I wouldn’t have changed it for the world, but it was…A LOT. I miss her every day but sometimes I experience those moments of freedom. I think she would actually be proud of that.
I haven’t had a mother since I was 17. I’m now 43.. and thru having my kids and many other things thru life I have had the feelings of longing and ‘missing’ a mom. It hit me for the first time tho about 2 years ago that hey… I’m an extremely independent person and ‘mom’ might drive me insane on a daily basis if I had one! Listening to my friends and sis-in-laws sometimes I think ‘geez, I’m lucky I don’t have to deal with the constant judgements and ‘honesty’. Or maybe I’m as independent as I am because I don’t HAVE a mom. Long story short.. your post today really hit home for me and I’m glad you’re enjoying the revelation.
We were in Cancun in Nov and every day I just wished we could go home. I chuckled when I watched your first video! Happy New Year!
I AGREE 100% WITH YOUR BLOG POST TODAY! Right on! Who gives a hoot what others think! Happy NEW Year!
Bravo, bravo to you. You’ve really made progress. You are to be admired. Really.
I can relate to the sentiments expressed in your email. My mom is still alive, but I recently lost my dad (well, a year ago, but it hurts today as much as it did then). The death of one’s parent is really intense. I appreciate you sharing your feelings about your mom.
And yes, I love the fact that I don’t give an F about what anyone thinks of me as I get older!
I really needed to hear that today..I’m 38. I lost my Mom very sudden 3 years ago. I have great friends and family but the truth is they just ” don’t get it ” They don’t know what it is like to feel a loss like the loss of your mother. I find comfort in your blog when you talk about your Mom because” you get too.” Much love in 2010!
So true!!! So true!!!
Hi Jennifer,
I’m just about to turn 30 (not that it matters but I thought it was a nice connection since we both ate journeying into new decades in our lives) and one of my biggest fears (which will unfortunately come true someday) is losing my parents. I love them dearly and my mother is one of my best friends (even though she still drives me insane at times and vice versa I’m sure). I consider myself so lucky to have her but also so lucky to be able to read your thoughts and emotions about losing your mother. I know I shouldn’t be so mobid by reminding myself that it will happen to me one day but it’s so theraputic to be able to read how others deal and cope.
I dunno if any of that came across the way I wanted it to but I just want to say thank you for being so open and honest what you have been going through!
Bravo, Jennifer. Bravo. Good for you.
Jen, this was wonderfully written. You are correct. You don’t need to care what anyone thinks about you or if people are judging you. That’s usually more about them than it is about you anyway. You don’t need to change anything for anyone. It’s hard losing someone you love, especially a mother. Not that this matters, but I think you have held it together remarkably well! Happy New Year!
its called growing up and it’s about time but you still have a long way to go unfortunately
Not to minimize the loss of your mother, but these are also the feelings of getting older and approaching your 40’s…wait till you are over 50, you really don’t give an eff…imagine Alexis at 50! Now that is going to make an interesting radio show…
::tears:: All, I can say IS, “YAY!”
This so true…This was a good one.
Awesome post!!
Well said Jennifer. I do not know what it’s like to lose one’s mother but I applaud your growth.
Beautifully articulated Jennifer! I lost my father 6 months ago….I can feel the pain of the loss and relate to what you are saying..Happy New Year to you…
Janice
You are beginning to heal. I just exhaled my held breath for you.
Jennifer I am happy for you and also can relate. I also lost both mom and dad this past year within 8 months from each other. I say it like it is, I am always putting people in their place and do as I want. It is a very strange feeling, the phone does not ring and it is her on the other line asking why I did what ever the action or giving me the encouragement. Sometimes I find myself asking, where did that come from? I express myself so much more now. But do miss them terribly, I have my breakdowns from time to time. My mom was 68 and dad 74.. I never saw this coming and never imagined this is how it would end for them. It’s a strange kind of freedom and it is lonely at times. Good for you!
So very true Jennifer….the comfort of being comfortable with one self is growth. Remember…we are simply spiritual beings having human experiences…
Jennifer-I’ve written to you about this very thing. In some way I was released when my mother died (I was 39) I had been the youngest and we always had a very co-dependent relationship….I know that a lot of people really miss their parents during the holidays, but it is actually one time during the year that I am relieved I don’t have to do stuff I don’t want to do when I don’t want to do it. I am single with no kids and now my time is my own and I don’t feel guilty if I’m doing absolutely nothing. Oh….and I also don’t have to hear about how I need to get my roots done. Take your xanax, mother your kids how you feel like it and don’t worry ’bout your chub rub…we all have it!
it is and it is.
Beautifully said Jennifer!! Wish you much happiness always!! Take care and enjoy 🙂
Just listening to the show in the past year or so you have matured a lot Jen.
You are still as funny as ever tho.
I think I understand this freedom thing you’re feeling. I’m not there yet, but I get it. I’m glad you’re experiencing some joy!
We think we’re the only ones who feel a certain way, but we’re not, are we? My mother died when I was 3 years old. My father died when I was 34 years old. When I became an orphan at age 34, it was horrible and yes, it gave me the freedom you speak of. Life has been a roller coaster of good and not so good, but we do indeed get what we need; not what we want. At age 63, I have a granddaughter and a grandson who have so much of the traits I remember about my father and have been told about my mother. The circle of life . . . and yes, we still talk about my father and laugh with love and mention his name every day of our lives! They are still very much alive in our hearts and minds.
You put the truth…strange as it may be…so eloquently. I’m in the same position. Lost my mother (after my dad) 3 years ago next month.
Thanks for putting your thoughts out there…seriously…it helps you I’m sure. But also…it helps “us”…
Best…pj
Wow, what growth you have acheived. Bravo!!
i needed this today because i am so “put off” by being monitored by my mother this past holiday season. i want to scream at her, but i love her so much and dont want to hurt her. Dealing with family is never easy. what my family is from the south and say: you can pick your nose, but not your family. Hells Bells….i think the hubby and i will spend the holidays in Hawaii next year.
Several years ago, while enjoying a fantastic weekend with my husband, kids and parents at our family’s mountain cabin, I told my parents this exact same thing. I said that while I imagine losing them will be very sad it also has to be one of the most “freeing” feelings; to know that no one is looking over your shoulder. I don’t recall their reactions but I feel badly for having shared so freely. Case in point.
After losing my dad almost 2 yeas it feels that no one really cares what I do, if I succeed or fail, the person who I wanted to live up to the most is gone and now no one is there to praise me no one really praises you like a parent, I miss that.
I hear ya. Some of the “not caring about other people’s judgements” is just getting older. It’s a good thing.
I fully understand what you’re going through. I lost my mother 15 years ago when I was in my mid thirties. It was the greatest loss I had ever experienced, and life’s really not been the same ever since. My mother was my best friend, trusted confidant, and companion, and I’ve always felt her void in my life. I lost my Dad 3 years ago too, and that was an incredible blow, and now I’m completely “orphaned”. No one can fill the void of your parents, but hopefully everyone finds their own way to cope, and life does go on. I keep many pictures of my parents around my home, and that provides some comfort in tough times. All my best to you.
Your post today brings tears to my eyes. My husband has been in the horrible hospital for 2 months now and on Sunday the doctor ordered Hospice and he will be returning home soon to begin the process of dying and I’m terrified of losing the person who always has my back and loves me unconditionally. He’s only 56 and he’s my hero, I only hope I can find the strength to be the strong one this time for him and somehow find a way to go on.
You have reached a healthy point in your search for balance after your mother’s death. This is the reward of patience and fortitude on the path you have been traveling. It’s a good entry to read on your blog.
That is exactly how I felt, only you could put it in to words. I stopped worrying if I had on makeup to go to the store, or that I may look foolish dancing and having fun. It took something sad to make me realize that didn’t matter, and to laugh and think others looked like they were having fun doing stuff when I would have previously thought how foolish and silly they looked. I admire that you can recognize this so soon, took me a dozen years to have that clarity!
I lost both of my parents within 46 hours of each other a couple of years ago so have been reading with great interest all of your thoughts and feelings since your mom passed.
For the most part, in my everyday decisions about simple life events, II find myself living to honor my parents. I very much feel their presence, almost since the moment since they died, so as I stumble thru my life I think how would they handle this situation, what would they advise me to do here.
I understand what you are saying in your post however. In the bigger life decisions, such as who I married and how I spend my money, I am going about things cavalierly.
So I guess I am a combo of what you are experiencing!
I feel the same way, although i am in my mid 50s , my mom died in 2008 I now know why she said the things she said, i used to disagree with her thinking i was always right and she was wrong! how wrong i was she was right about everything!! now i am the mother and grandmother, but i am not sure i will ever be right like my mother was, i think my children are smarther than i am. good luck and just know you will always miss her but it is your turn now to be your children’s MOM!
At age 40, you’ve learned a valuable lesson that takes others much longer to learn.
Well said! I don’t give a flying f*ck what other people think of me, it’s my life and I’m gonna live it before it’s gone…by my rules.
XO!
Thanks, Jen.
That was really nice to read.
Jennifer, I don’t know if you know this poem by Jenny Joseph.
But I like, to look forward to the day, I “suddenly” is old and do all of this, he he (I’m only 37 now, but it’s always great to have something to look forward to)
When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people’s gardens
and learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
What a horrible thing to say. I’m sure that hurt them very much.
beautifully written Jennifer. i turned 40 last month and lost my mom one month after i turned 30. life is ours to squander or live – and it seems youve chosen to live. good for you.
You think people are looking, but really they aren’t..strange and ironic how long it takes for this fundamental information to sink in and become our reality..
Well I turned 66 on Jan. 5th and my daughter turns 40 in November. I cannot imagine leaving my daughter at this time in her life. If it was time for me to “leave” then I would hope she would remember all I have taught her and continue her life the best way possible. You are doing great Jennifer,
Jennifer — I just tried to explain this to someone without sounding like I’m happier that my mother is gone. She was my best friend. I miss her every day. She died when I was 34. But, if I wanted to paint my walls an odd color, she would warn me that I might not like it or give me reasons why it’s “not a good idea”; if I wanted to buy a black dress, she’d convince me red might be better. When she was gone, I was shocked to realize that I had to make those decisions on my own and “live with the consequences.” Then I realized that it is “all me.” I get to make my own decisions without any second-guessing myself because of my mom’s warnings. I will love my mom until the day I die; but her passing made me grow up.
jennifer, you have a gift, many gifts. your mother would be so proud of the woman you have become.
you’re fantastic, do you hear me?
Lost my mom 10 years ago, almost lost my daughter 7 months ago, still in a precarious situation- have also lost a brother-nothing, and I mean nothing compares to the loss of a child.
So far I have been blessed with her still with us, but the near loss of a child puts everything & I mean everything in perspective—count your blessings-please count your blessings—
I found great comfort in your words today as I do quite often especially when you share your feelings about losing your mother Jennifer. I truly can relate to everything you said about “bittersweet freedom.” I too miss my mother and think of her everyday. She died Christmas day two years ago. Love your show on Sirius also.
LOVE LOVE LOVE – BEAUTIFUL!!!
Keep doing exactly what you are doing.
xo
Kindred Spirit,
Nancy
lost my dad same time you lost your mom.
amen sister…
I too have gotten to the point where I do what I want no matter what it looks like to others. I listen to music that others might look at me weird for listening to it. Sometimes I will randomly dance in family room and it’s just goofy. I don’t care. I too, have a weight issue and anything I do for myself regarding that is for my own well being and not the image that I’m supposed to have. My family and I have dealt with a lot of adversity for the past couple of years and I finally feel like the hope is real now. Just since Jan 1 this year already feels like it’s going to be the turning up point. It’s a good feeling to have. You’re doing great.
jennifer……well said, thoughtfully posted, you are trying to deal with the loss in the best way possible. Please don’t ever feel like you have to apologize for what you are feeling and going through. I lost my mom at 21 she was 50 and now I am 46…….not a day goes by that I don’t miss her, cherish her, remember her advice and laughter. Hang in there and don’t ever stop being YOU>
That was wonderful to read. You are so eloquent. I only wish I were able to express myself as well.
You can’t give a sh*t, because if you were to contemplate the question of whose judgment, precisely, is worth giving a sh*t about – and why – it will quickly become clear that the idea of giving a sh*t about what a stranger or anyone else you don’t already know/love/value thinks is preposterous. The reality is – the opinion or regard of any retard who would make a negative judgment about your behavior in any of those examples you cited would be utterly worthless (except as occasional fodder for ridicule on your show/blog).
https://www.amazon.com/Death-Benefits-Losing-Parent-Life/dp/0465072119
its a totally weird idea, but the author has some interesting points. It is so hard to think there is a benefit, but your blog eluded to that so i thought I would send this recommendation again
god bless you babe. sounds like healing to me. painful healing but nontheless…
You really have issues. You have so much going for you and yet you are always so down. We all have to face a death of a loved one -would your mother want you acting this way? Enough, be happy, move on with your life that’s what she would want.
Bravo Jennifer. Wading through the dark waters of losing a mother, you have seen some clearing….and deep insight.
Couldn’t ask for more for you ( and all of us on this path).
Yay for wearing your bathing suit at the beach, Jennifer! And for being friendly with strangers and playing in the ocean. I turned 40 last week and lost my mom a decade ago and yes, there is a deep sadness but also a certain freedom that comes with both events. Keep growing! Because, at the end of the day, that’s what your dear mama would have wanted for you most of all.
Thank you for sharing so many of your feelings. My mom left us 3 years ago yesterday. Time flies but it doesn’t heal all wounds as I miss her as much today as ever. I think of her everyday and, every now and then, think of things that I should tell her the next time we talk.
Your post is so true. I hadn’t thought of it in those terms but feel very much the same. Somehow, no one can judge us or provide validation in the same way as our mom’s.
One other feeling that I had when she died, which I did not expect, was that I suddenly was a grown-up in ways that I had not experienced although I was 37 at the time.
So, thanks for sharing so much of this. I have read your posts throughout and have shared many of the same feelings.
Different year….same shit.
I just turned 44 & need to follow your lead, especially at the beach. I’m pretty sure my thighs are fuller than yours 😉 Your complicated thoughts about your mother resonated with me. My mother was recently diagnosed with an illness that could last many years, but has already caused her to decline physically & mentally in small, but signifcant ways. It’s raised many complicated feelings for me, and I was so helped to read your post. As for turning 40, I did okay, but have been having a lot of trouble w/being almost 45. When I turned 40, my mother-in-law said, “I loved my 40s. I just felt more sophisticated.” Keep dancing, being friendly, & living your life on your terms.
I can FEEL the peace coming into you through your beautiful words. Years later, I’m still taking those baby steps in dealing with the loss of my dad. I still think I see him sometimes, or pick up the phone to call him. You’ll see… The growth this post expresses is part of the process. The more you share, the more you exude that inner peace as you are beginning to do now, the greater it will become. (“AB” you’re a jackass!)
wisdom comes dressed strangely. you provided me with a snapshot of myself as a mother. there is a fine line between being honest and being judgemental.
really well said. you put the feelings i have into words.
very surprised…but comforting
Allow me to preface my remarks with as a blogger are you recognized out in public? Does the thought of being recognized out in public elevate your “good behavior mode? Would ” I love our blog” or something less flattering be welcomed as an honest but unsolicited critique? I think this blogging for anyone is an outlet for perhaps all types of personalities and the modicum of privacy that remains …. having said tha, is it shaping privacy issues from a legal stand point?. How can someone claim an invasion of privacy I don’t know i would tread lightly in 2010 — me personally, that is I read blogs– several– they are well, from the perspective of observing the human condition and the Faith popcorn trend prediction of cocooning this is a move to the opposite side of the spectrum. Spectrum i said spectrum
You are a beautiful and very bright woman who shares her heart and helps all of us w/ the struggle of the loss of our Mom. I am grateful to have read your post today.
Losing your Mom is a pain that never really goes away, but it does make you grow because YOU’RE THE MOMMA now..it’s kind of a right of passage to full womanhood. (Guess what we’re not teenyboppers anymore)I hate to say it but it’s true..Just be grateful for all the advice she did give you because beleive it or not all of it is still in your soul..so she’s never gone for good. My momma watches over me everyday. When I smell roses or find dimes in weird places. The spirit NEVER DIES..She even visits in my dreams..No Im not crazy just honest..Hope your pain heals and your Mom visits..God Bless
You are absoutely correct. I wish you nothing but the best. It all takes time and I’ve said before you may never forget how you feel about your mom…Amy
wow talking about losing a mother is soooo hard…I lost her in Mar 08 and I really don;t have anyone to talk to about it…. I have lost my father at the age of 19 and many grandparents and just lost my brother in July of 08 (same year as my mother) and I just don’t know who or how to about it… my husband has never has a real lost yes his grandparents in there late 80’s and 90’s is it the same as lossing someone so much younger… i don’t think so.
would liked to read more on how your dealing with your lose.
EKD
You are a rok star!!! You truly are the one with all the class! You are enjoying your life, good for you! You have an amazing life, and your mom saw that.Now you get to take all the good she gave you and pass it along to your children. You are FAB! From one mom to another..Thank you for your words.
Hello, I saw you guys on Martha this morning. Very cool. I have started a blog about walking off the weight. Maybe we can work together. I am a newbie to blogging so I could really use some good tips on getting my blog out there. walkitoffnow.blogspot.com
I am very sorry to hear that you lost your mom. I was close to my mom’s mom, I called her MeMe. She was a very wise woman, she said is was because she made so many mistakes so she had lost of advice to pass on.
Hope to hear from you soon, Thanks DD
Hi Jennifer, I’m sorry about the passing of your mom. My mom passed away in 1997 and I really miss having her in my life. I’m going through a divorce and will soon be living alone. I will miss her telling me to call her when ii get home. That special person that wanted to know I was safe, all the time, is no longer here. Thank you for your wonderful blog about your relationship with your mom.
There is something about turning 40! I think it comes from knowing who you are, what you want, and what you are and are not willing to do. I think that I suddenly realized that life is short and no one else really JUDGES what you do. I am sorry for the loss of your mother, but happy to welcome you to the “Big Girls Club” – you are gonna love it!
Love your post today. I lost my mom in June and I feel the same way! Before my mom died she told me that I am the Mother now and it is the hardest thing to explain, but she was right. I have no one to comfort like a mom does.
Hi Jennifer, I am a 30 year old, married, mother of three, and since my mother passed 3 months ago, I’ve never felt more alone. She died at the young age of 53 from bone cancer. So I know what you are going through and how you feel. At first, you’re mad at the world, and then you go through a stage of shock or disbelief. That’s where I am now. I can’t really believe this has happened. So if you have any advice for me or suggestions on how to cope with this I would love to hear them. Thanks for blogging and sharing your story because until now I didn’t think anyone could relate to what I am going through. God bless you and your family and I will keep you in my prayers.
I lost my son on May 14, 2008, he was 39 years old. He was a passenger in a car. I cry everyday and miss him so much. I have gone on with my life, but, I still miss him so much. Unless, someone has gone through the death of a child, or mom or a loved one, they just don’t know the pain in your heart. I really can’t stand to have anyone say, it will get better as time goes on. It will never get better. I feel your pain because I have lost my son. If someone asks how are you doing, I say I’m hanging in there. My sons feet will never walk on this earth again. But, I do know that I can feel him within my spirit. I know that he is with me, I can just feel him deep within my spirit. I was lucky to have him for 39 years. May God Bless you and all of us who have lost our loved ones.
When my mother died I was relieved. No more judgement.
I really liked what you said about wearing a swimsuit, hip hop dancing, etc.
Enjoy your life it’s the only one you have. You deserve to be happy for the simple reason your alive and it’s God’s desire for us is love and happiness.
Sounds like you feel more confident being motherless, it has been totally the opposite for me.
I didn’t realize how much she supported and never judged me. She gave me confidence. People have always thought I was a strong, confident person. Now I’m not inside, but have a fake strong exterior and feel rather lost.
I was obviously very lucky and didn’t know it. I have always been very supportive of my two daughters and they are very self-assured adults.
Of course, I’m sure I can’t compare to my Mom but my girls know I would do anything for them. However, they are very close in age and I was happy that I convinced them that their sibling would be their best friend for life. So, they have one another and won’t feel what I feel with my loss. I am grateful for that, I wouldn’t want them to have this emptiness.
I honestly stopped reading your post last year I would stop after reading alexis’ post I lost my mom at 17 (4 yrs ago) and all I could think was you had your mom for so long stop whinning I know that everyone heals in their own time but when you lose your mom as a teen it’s hard to feel compassion at times for people who had their moms at their weddings and the birth of their children my gay bff told me about this post and he said it reminded him of me and he was right after the heartache starts to heal you realize there is a certain freedom of judgement. GOOD LUCK to you in the process of healing
I lost my mother at 41. It has been 17 years, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t notice the ways in which she formed me. I am my own person, living my own Truth, which, ironically, sometimes seems diametrically opposed to hers. But, she had a lesson to teach me about strength, compassion, service, morality that surpasses any lesson I could have learned anywhere else. That “odd freedom” you describe is healthy, and so much a part of the Process we all go through. Hugs.
I just happened to come home and turn on the television to find you and Alexis on Martha’s show. I honestly wasn’t paying much attention until you spoke of you blog. I have neer blogged or even been remotely interested in it. But when you mentioned writing about the loss of you mother a year and a half ago I could completely relate. So I paused Martha on my DVR and found your blog on my computer (after several attempts and rewinds of Martha to find the website). I, too, lost my mother just less than 1-1/2 ago and have been struggling with the pain and huge hole left in my heart and my life. And today I’ve really been missing her. Not more than any other day, but just really thinking about her and her teaching me to make Baklava when she was sick so I would be able to make it like she did. And also blintzes. She stood with me in her kitchen teaching me finally (after years of wanting to learn) the art of homemade blintzes. Everything I do and everything I am is a part of her. And as you said on Jan. 5th, “i miss her more than i can adequately describe…” is so true and yet such an understatement. I want to scream from the rooftop how much I miss her and my heart hurts from the pain. But also what you wrote on Jan 5th (that’s all I’ve read so far) is so on the mark. The “odd freedom that comes with losing one’s mother”…I felt that too. But I have also lost my father and I now have no ones expectations to live up to but my own. I am now responsible. How I wish we could speak about this. It is such an enormous turning point in life….almost like starting over, but without guidance. I’m sorry you lost your mother when you were at such young age. That’s so unfair. I thought I was young, but at 51 I guess I was lucky to have her as long as I did. Do you have any sisters to talk to? I don’t and it makes it very difficult. My brothers and I live far away from each other and talk occasionally, but it’s just not like a sister. And I only have sons, no daughters. But thank goodness for my cousins who are like sisters. They don’t get it really, but they are very compassionate and empathetic which I am grateful for. (Their mother is my mom’s sister) Anyway, I guess I’m glad I happened to turn on the TV and hear you speak about this blog. It’s nice to talk to someone who really “gets it”.
I lost my mother two years ago, she was in Venezuela, I was here in USA. I went to her burial, but I had not been with her in the last year. I felt an emptiness when she died that I have been recovering from very slowly. So you will be better with time.
if you feel you are growing in the right direction, that is great. But while you are having this new found sense of freedom you need to be aware of other peoples rights. Don’t walk over others just because you feel like you can. I am sorry for your loss. My mother is gone also, but she still gets permission to come back and visit when I ask.
although i cannot relate to you in some way… i relate to you in alot of ways… weird i know. i look forward to your blogs. glad i was watching martha today to find out abut this website. i wish you all the best. the lesson that i’m currently learning…is this…one day at a time. with all things it’s just one day at a time. and sometimes one minute at a time. and although you must have a lot of questions, take the time to ponder them and let them sit with you. sometimes it’s taking the time to find the answers that we discover so much about ourselves and our lives…and our loved ones. i love your truth and realism.
*Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs*
Your honesty and sensitivity is truly lovely
Thank you….what an amazing post.
I still have my mother….thank God…..I am 32 and am raising my first child (10months)……I can’t imagine your pain…..however I also understand everything you have written as my mother is very open with her “truths” as well. I love her and want to cherish every day with her…..I had to tell you that I love love love your post. It was amazing. thank you again……
It is said that it takes 1.000 days to grieve. Actually, I found it took me 5 years to be able to talk about her without tearing up. I felt like such a baby and people couldn’t believe it was still so raw. Granted, we had more than a mother-daughter relationship because of the hardships we endured when I was still at home. So, hang in there, it gets better and we should be greatful we had a mother.
Hey Jennie,
I understand the new sense of “freedom” you feel. It is weird, like no one is there to judge you any more and that your choices and just that – your choices based upon what you want, what is good for your family, etc. I felt exactly the same way 2 years after my my died and I turned 45. I’ve never felt so empowered in my life! You never realize how much you still try to please your mom, even if she has no idea what you are up to – but you know if she found out she’d let you know!
It’s a freedom your mom left for you – embrace it and let your soul free to be you! And remember that feeling forever!
Losing your mother is one of the saddest things that can happen. I lost both my parents in one year, and when that horrible feeling of being an orphan sets in, it is almost paralyzing. I stopped painting for years, it was as if I was dry inside, incapable of any creative energy. And then, the worst thing, when you realize you no longer have that wonderful chronicler of your family and your childhood’s history , that you cannot ask her, Mom, who was that person that said that, what was that Grandma gave me for my second birthday?, they seem like stupid things, but you miss her sooooo much. After a couple of years the pain recedes, you begin to be able to remember her with a smile. You still think about her every day, but it is a little bit as if you had her as a companion in your heart, a little blanket of beautiful memories enveloping you. I sometimes get mad at her, tell her in my mind, you should not have died, you did not take your medication as you should have… then, feeling a little bit crazy, I get some comfort from the fact that she was such a passionate person, that lived her life to the fullest, and we had such a great time in her last months when she was ill and I moved in with her in Italy, and incredibly, we had such a great time, she made me forget she was sick. It was her way of leaving me with a smile.
Yes, yes, yes! You have put into words how I feel after losing my mom six years ago.
It does get better, I promise.
I lost my mom, it will be 3 years ago this Mother’s Day. It was all the firsts that got me the most. You know, the first Holiday with out her being alive, her birthday, etc. In time however, I was able to see better because the tears no longer fell.
You see, my mom was one of those mom’s that demanded loyalty, if she was mad at someone, you had to be mad at them, you could never have your own opinion about people, places, or things, well, I could, I just kept it to myself,that is where our relationship was shorted.
She just did not realize, that I could, and needed to be loyal while still living my life. I think after 40, that is something that we all deserve.
The worst thing was, she did not see it that way. So, the day she told me I had to make a choice between her or my husband, I calmly looked her in the eye and said, “I love you mom and I hope you in time will change your mind”.
As time went on, she returned every Christmas gift, Birthday Gift, and the last was a very hurtful letter that came after I sent flowers for Mother’s Day.
Her passing hurt deeply because I always had that hope, there would be just one more day.
Today, I can say, I did the right thing, I just wish she could have seen that also.
I hope that you listened to Rosie on Oprah, live in the present, you will never forget your mother. But you should live for what you have, not what you don’t have.
She is actually monitoring you now more than when she was alive and was monitoring you only when she was physically with you. Now you carry her with you every where you go. She can protect you and guide you more now then ever before………..