i grew up not wanting for much (except a little more attention from boys maybe!), did well enough in school, graduated college, law school, met my husband, got married, had two kids, fell into an amazingly fulfilling career…it was all good. (and this is, of course, completely revisionist history because like most people, i was a miserable teenager/20 something who felt like a complete and utter loser who would never find actual happiness…like ever!)
then cancer showed up and took my mother, wrecking me really for a considerable amount of time.
and although i am recovering, living, even thriving, i am hardened.
having been through the trenches with my mother i am now full of knowledge and experience that i can share 18 months later in an almost clinical, emotionless and detatched way. probably much the same way that oncologists handle their patients.
i can assess how sick someone is by symptoms and i can be the one to warn a loved one about how little time left the person suffering may have, i can talk through what might happen next, and i can certainly offer solace for a friend who’s grieving and i can do all of this now without falling apart.
which is great on the one hand and incredibly sad on the other.
because although helping others, keeping it together and being emotionally stable is infinitely preferable to uselessness and inconsolable sadness, i like my mushy overly feeling self and i don’t want to be hardened.
luckily, it takes just the running into an old family friend who’s real link to me is my mother to send me back to that familiar emotional place that rests two layers beneath my recently hardened exterior. and for a minute, after i am initially annoyed that i’ve been reminded about what makes me sad, i relish the emotion. i cry. and i am comforted that i haven’t lost all of my ability to feel.
and maybe, down the road, i won’t be hardened anymore. and maybe i won’t be sad either.
xxx
jennifer
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(((HUGS)))
Jennifer, you are a very strong person! I wasn’t given the opportunity to meet you at the Martha Stewart show, but reading your blog post allowed me to meet more of you than I probably would have in person!
You keep being strong, you! 🙂
You said this so well. I lost my 17 year old only daughter in 2007 from bone marrow failure, or MDS, a very rare condition. The terrible grief I still feel has molded me into the person I have become – part sad and part appreciative of the gift each day brings.
that you are still devastated by the loss of your mother 18 months later brings me to tears. See, I do not and never have had a close relationship with my mother. We just never meshed. On one hand I feel I have really missed out on something special, but at the same time, how do you miss something you never had?
I am in my 40’s now, my mom in her 70’s. I do the best I know how, I hope it will be enough.
Thanks for your honesty.
Lost my Mom 3 years ago..Once again your beautiful writing has brought me to tears..Much love 🙂
I subscribed to your feed after the Martha blog show. But this post got me. I lost my mom to breast cancer 18 months ago too. She was sick during most of my twenties/thirties and watching her die tore me apart. Sometimes, I stare (almost inappropriately so) at the faces of my mother’s siblings. It’s so odd to see her in a small way still alive. It continues to surprise me how it doesn’t get easier, just different. Thanks for your honesty!
I lost my father when I was 19. Reading your blog entries regarding your mother has made me realize that I never really dealt with this fully. I returned to college a week later and although I thought of him often and cried when I did, I never “fell apart”, which I should of because he was simply such a wonderful father. Our family was everything to him. He was only 61.
I’m 45 but in many ways I still feel like I’m 19, stunted & emotionally immature which makes it difficult to be a better daughter to my 88 year old mother, which causes me so much guilt.
Jennifer – I can so relate to your feelings about your mother. There is no other relationship that compares to the mother/daughter bond. I lost my mother when I was four years old. She was 30 years old and five months pregnant. This was in 1956 – she was complaining of headaches, hospitalized and died several days later. Although I have very dim memories of her I have never recovered from the loss and just typing this now brings me to tears. I have always felt so cheated. I’m so sorry for your loss – cherish every single memory you have of your mom and hold on to that. Thanks for sharing.
tho you may be “hardened”, your warmth & kindness shines through.
*hugs*
Join the club. you are the rock that family will turn to– it’s not that you are stoic but some people need to know that they can “fall apart” and there is someone that knows to grasp the helm and guide them on the troubled waters.
Great post Jennifer. 🙂 I miss hearing you guys in the afternoons…Sirius is charging a fee to listen on the computer now. Some days I think about running out to the car to listen, but it’s cold out. 🙁
Have a great weekend. Stay strong. 18 months is not all that long after the loss of a loved one.
I know what you mean completely! I am my mother’s caregiver. I don’t like that I have become desenstized to even the most severe of situations. I am not even phased by the ICU anymore.
Having lost both parents to cancer, I hear you I get you, and all I can add to it, Is that: Jen ! It really never gets better, it just gets diffrent with each and every day that passes.. Take Care…. 🙂
Jennifer, thanks for sharing that personal comment. I get what that hardening process is all about, having gone through my own set of personal losses and become hard just to get through what otherwise would be enotionally draining/ devastating.
It’s good that you know how to come back to your authentic self, and I’m sure that will happen more as time passes and the traums is less immediate. But, you know, life hardens up and we never really, completely go back to the way we were.
Take care.
Jennifer, I think you are incredibly mature, and to me you appear anything but hard. Perhaps you’ve learned that life has a beginning and an end and just totally come to terms with that.
To some people that may seem hard, but the opposite of that is loosing it at the drop of a hat.
You’ve been there and done that and come through it seeing the world in another perspective. If anything, that realization makes one even more grateful for what we have… it’s like the Keith Urban song “Days Go By” if you don’t know it – you should take a listen, it’s such an aspirational song in disguise of a boppy tune – I think you’d like 🙂
xxxx
what beautiful and profound things people have written in response to your touching blog, all going through different stages of grieving. it hurts. we all go through it. jennifer whatever you’re going through you’re not alone. you’re not hardened. you’re just going through what we all go through. sort of like a defense mechanism takes over to get you through the harder times. it’s ok to feel whatever you’re feeling. it’s all a part of life and death. don’t question whatever you’re feeling. you’re human. the aching sadness with go away. and you’ll be left with a sinking feeling when you think of her that you can shake off and move on with your day. it takes time. you had a really close relationship with you mother. she died too young. your closeness you have with your family is so wonderful and supporting. cherish and lean on them. xo
hang in there sweety
your honesty is so beautiful, lost my dad a few months before your mom, I still cry every day….waiting to be less numb about everything.
you are never alone…know that u are loved…and your mom in watching you, smiling, because her daughter has a heart filled with so much love, sometimes it feels like too much… she is proud…
I don’t think you’re hardened, Jennifer. I think that after what you and your family went through during your mother’s illness and death requires that kind of coping mechanism. I have not lost my mother so I can’t even imagine your grief, but I do work in a medical office where we have lost some wonderful patients to some horrible diseases. I see the grief that their loved ones are suffering and know that there is nothing anyone can say to make it better, but only pray that with time their sadness lessens. You’ve been through the fire and come out on the other side and your experiences are now helping others cope and I think that is something of which you can be proud.
Thanks for this post. It really is comforting to know someone else shares similar experiences and is also aware of how life changes you. When I lost my Dad I was surprised to find my world upside down and me losing grip with anything and everything that was important in my life. I thank you for sharing your thoughts.
wish i could give you a gigantic hug. worked in oncology, as a “patient financial counsler” for many years….so many moved me, couldnt collect monies from them, felt so wrong….left that biz and went back and got my MBA. am now successfully self employed as a medical management business consultant. Jenny….you are stronger than so many and i wonder if you even know it?
btw: you were adorable on the blog show1 omg….can i be girly…your hair is freaking amazing. my hubby just loves you and i love it!!
You are probably the softest “hardened” person I know of!…Hugs to you!
You’re nuts Jennifer.
I wish I had had someone like you when my Grandmother was sick with cancer. She died May 4,2009. I had absolutely no idea that she was as sick as she was. We had just moved back to the area 2 months before and it was hard on me and still is. I’ve gone through so many different stages. Denial, anger, depression. Is it bad that I now want to get rid of everything that reminds me of her? Not that I don’t love her & miss her but it hurts to see those things and I’d rather not be reminded and get those sad feelings again. I wasn’t around her much her last few weeks b/c hubby & I were sick off & on and I had emergency surgery. I knew w/cancer her immune system was down and I didn’t want to risk getting her sick. The day before she died I was on my way home from work and something told me to stop and see her and I didn’t b/c I was still getting over a cold. She died the next morning and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Thanks for your post. I haven’t lost my mother or a child but I was close to my grandmother at one point and the past 9 months have been really hard on me.
I’ve been reading your blog from the beginning. Thank you for being so candid about your personal experience. Tonight I learned that my 27 year old cousin has Pancreatic cancer. She got the diagnosis this afternoon and likely will not live much more than a month or so. She ignored unusual symptoms but never considered that it could be cancer, especially Pancreatic cancer. Very sad day indeed.
I think we never get over “missing” our moms. I’m a very emotional person. However, through some rough times (including losing my mom), I became “hardened” and couldn’t cry for over two years. When it came back, I finally started to heal. The grieving process is strange, the stages go back and forth and sometimes there’s no rhyme nor reason. We know we will be okay but sometimes it’s hard to see the path, we just have to hang on and trust in ourselves. I’ve learned to accept the times when I can discuss illness, death and dying rather mechanically but to absolutely “cherish” the times I dissolve in tears, it’s my release valve.
Jennifer, you aren’t hardened any more than the oncologist you analogized to your newly acquired ability to analyze, inform and console without being overcome by emotion. It sounds as if you are assimilating your first traumatic loss, which would naturally change you in some ways. There are strong and necessary defense mechanisms that enable a person to remain psychologically intact despite that everyone will experience many painful losses if they live long enough. In addition, we are thinking beings and any person will become angrier at the world and resentful of the inescapable fact of death when they actually lose a loved one, as opposed to simply knowing that it happens. It isn’t hardening – just a very human change of your psychology and outlook in response to incorporation of both a new level of awareness about the reality of death, and a new level of emotion resulting from your very personal loss. You will not be left with the inability to feel or interminable sadness, just an ability to walk the earth better-steeled against the most painful aspects of life (“stronger”).
You are such a great writer honey! I think it would be a great healing process and a wonderful tribute to your mother, if you would write a book on your experience. Think of how many people you’ve helped over your blog, and on the radio, and now think of how many more people with benefit from you and your mother’s story in written word!! You have the resources and the talent…please don’t let fear get in your way. “What would you do if you knew you would not fail?” Stop calling yourself a loser…Would mom approve/agree? Not Bunny! :0) Thinking of you beautiful one!
Thank you Jen, having my 18 year old daughter read this today! Thank you.
I know these feelings all too well… I lost my mom to cancer (multiple myeloma) 8 years ago. It still feels like yesterday, and I am forever changed and a different person without her.
Two of my mom’s best friends are still in contact with me, not as much as they used to be but we still see one another every now and then. Just the sight of them brings back so much emotion. I’m sure it does for them as well, but I feel her with me even more when I’m around Joanne and Carol. There are times that I actually relish the pain and grief since it’s an emotion that I can attach to my mom and the years that we went through during her illness…isn’t that weird that I actually can like it? I think so…it’s been 18 months for you and your journey is just beginning. It does change over the years, the emotions and grief I mean, but based on what I think your relationship was based on your writing you will always have a part of you missing just as I do.
I hope that my mom can introduce herself to your mom, and maybe they can laugh about the fact that they both have daughters named Jennifer but who have never met.
Godspeed….
It takes time, years, many years.
Even with time (for me it has been 12 years since my mother died of lung cancer at age 57), there will be moments where it literally hits you and you feel as devastated as you did days after it happened. I like to think that is her soul coming to see me and remind me of her and our relationship. Because it is important to remember the essence of who they were, the good, the bad, the complete person. These moments do not necessarily occur at obvious times like the anniversary of their death or birthday but when you least expect it, like when you’re doing the dishes thinking of what needs to be done for dinner or the kids. I think you need to embrace and accept these moments. For you, there is still lots of time of active grieving but know that you will get through this and you will find ways of remembering your mother without being desperately sad.
All the best
God Jenn, you should take a creative writing course. Listening to you everyday, I am aware that you have alot to say, but you can also say it beautifully. What a wonderfully articulatey worded blog. I wish I could express myself as clearly as you do. You are wonderful.
xoxoxo
Dear Sad, Hardened, Jennifer, Let’s steal a Zamboni and make a run for the border 🙂
I am a therapist, and I find grief the hardest thing to work with becuase the real trick is what you have just stated: protecting yourself, letting the guard down at times and feeling then hardening back up. Bravo… And I am so sorry for all the pain.
Jennifer, you expressed your journey and state of being so vividly and eloquently. I am doubly touched by your remarks as January 22nd was the anniversary of my Mother’s birthday. She died 25 months ago. Yes, I want to give you a big hug, too – for both of us! Love and Peacefulness to you.
I lost my mom almost six months ago to cancer. I was recently going through some of her things and found a letter my Great Aunt had written after my mom’s mom had passed away from cancer, too. My Aunt wrote that the pain at first is unbearable, but time helps the healing process and mostly all you’re left with is good memories. I so needed to hear that.
I feel hardened, too. I watched my mother suffer horribly and in the end it was just a struggle for her to breathe. When I have friends that freak out because their car just got a dent in it, I want to strangle them. Or friends who are starving themselves because they think looking like you live in a refugee camp is awesome, I just get sick.
I’m hoping the softness will come back, too.
Thank you for sharing this.
This made me cry 🙁 I do not look forward to the day when it is my moms turn 🙁
I hear you and your pain. I lost my mom to a sudden heat attack and you never get over it. It just gets easier as time goes bye. I know that is so easy to say, but I have been without my mom for 6 years now. It’s hard. Just lean on god and your faith it will get you through allot. I know my faith did and its amazing how much you feel better knowing that our mom’s are in a better place with no pain and sorrow. Take comfort that things will get better as time goes on. It hurts but at least time makes it hurt less
take care and god bless you
I wanna wrap my arms around you. You’re just so honest. Really like you
I really enjoyed this. Your writing is beautiful and so honest. Your Mom would be so proud of you. Well, she is. She must have been a great Mom. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
jenny, your biggest defender and best friend died when dear bunny left this earth. it is only natural, then, to feel as if every battle you now fight, you fight alone… please learn to rely on your father, husband, family and faith to balance out the void your mother has left in you. do not allow yourself to be hardened by life! you are still one of the good ones, jenny, and i for one would like you to stay that way. -bp
Jennifer,,,,this touched me more than you will ever know, and it could not be any more accurate,,,,every word of it….I lost a grandchild last year 2008 the day after Christmas,,, 11 days before he was to turn 2 after a long sad illness, and I like you,,,,feel all of these same things,,,,hardened,,,and sad,,,,best of luck to us as we work our way through this thing called death….there’s just no easy way….
I’m glad you realize this. I have definitely noticed a huge change in you, Jennifer. You are definitely harder, edgier and a bit nastier to the callers. Perhaps less patient and nice. In any event, I guess I forget what you went through.
There is nothing like being the care giver to a person with cancer, especially if that person is your mother, to change you. I’m coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my mother death and I think mostly it my heart is softer than it once was. I know my mother would never want me to be hard, certainly not because caring for her and coping with her death. A loved ones death will make you stronger than you ever knew you could be….but not hard for me.
I love you Mama and I miss you everyday.
i know this may sound strange, but jennifer that all sounds like healing. we humans find ways to experience pain, loss and hardship. we have to learn to move on with day to day life, that’s not being hardened, that’s surviving. Your sound like a good daughter, wife and mama, keep on keeping on.
Wow Jennifer great blog. You have been down the path that changes everything. It has made you grow up and become a real adult, sadness and all. It is a horrible way to become a “better” person but that is what you are……. hard shell and all.
I dont see you at all as hardened. You are a strong woman, dealing head on with grief. I think the sadness never goes away, we just learn to live with it.I look at my mother, my husband and even my dog daily and think: how could i possibly deal with them not occupying my planet. I can say that it chills me to the core, just thinking about life without loved family and friends.Thank you for sharing your thoughts. you are a gem.
Jennifer, Remember “you’re NOT the old Jen Brady, you’re the NEW Jen Brady” and “nobody puts Jen in a corner but Jen” so if you want to rage and vent your anger or sadness, YOU CAN, free of any maternal swords of Damocles that once guided your actions. Embrace this new period of exploration and go with it.
I lost my Dad suddenly right before 9/11 and it hardened me also…BUT in other ways I was so much more empathetic to people who had lost their parents. It hurts and it is hard..hard, hard, HARD! I remember writing on this blog and saying, “you can do it and it will get better”. You are their now…it still hurts but you are on the other side of profound grief. That why they say..it’s not easy getting older…this is part of it, losing those you love. You will be better equipped next time.
I’m sympathic to loss of a mother, but your blogs sound terribly self-centered, always. Death is life in reverse. Volunteer to help those unfortunates in the world and suddenly, things will not seem so drastic. Your gifts & advantages will take their proper place & you will have acted on your inheritance from your mother – her caring qualities. Act on it. Don’t mope about a loss forever. Your mother is waiting…..grow up & prove her right.
J: I lost my mother when I was 11 and now I am 40 ears older and it can still hurt. Anything to do with loss brings it back. 18 months is nothing. It is a HUGE loss. HUGE and cry when you need too b/c burying that makes it much worse in the long run, trust me. You will balance out and the “inconsolable” part will not last as long and be so deep and terrifying, And you will go in and out of phases of toughness and sadness. Do not put much weight on any one phase. You will even out, it takes time…
Catherine
Well said, Jennifer. You have a wonderful ability to convey your feelings in such a concise, and clear way, that the reader can actually “feel” what you are saying. I can, unfortunately, relate to exactly what you are saying. I don’t think that we are “hardened” but it’s more of defense mechanism of sorts. It’s a way of relating, without letting us totally fall apart. It allows us to be useful to our loved ones. I believe that you DO still feel the person’s pain, but you have your guard up to enable you to be there for the person. I truly believe that you do still “feel” every emotion, but it’s a way of keeping it together to help you get through.
I am 7 years post the death of both parents (buried together), and I can totally related to this post. Totally!
Seven years later I still tear up and sometimes crumble when I run into someone who is a link to my parents and they or their passings come up in conversation. The trick I play with myself, so that I can try to move on emotionally/mentally, is to avoid these people and situations best I can – although it is not always doable. I stick with emails and written correspondence if at all possible.
I go so far as to avoid the area of town when I grew up and they lived, but I know this is not possible for you because several of you live on one large parcel of land.
I call myself an adult orphan. There is even a good book on the subject. It sucks but there’s nothing that we can do about death so we just have to somehow make the best of the sad situation. This recipe is different for every individual I think.
I was so glad to “fall upon” your blog, not expecting to read such deep, honest feelings & thoughts of your loss.
I lost my mom not too long after you did yours, which devastated me. Even as I was in my thirties when she passed and I run my own business, she was also my best friend. Your thoughts gave me a lot to reflect about, which makes it comforting that I’m not the only one who feels like I do. It sounds silly, but it helps to read it and really know others share these painful and sometimes angry thoughts. I found it comforting. Thanks for your honesty.
Wow…an analyst would have a field day and 25 years job security analyzing that. However, incredibly well written. Beautiful actually, and thank you for sharing. Feelings of sadness from losing a loved one is normal. Don’t try to rush the process. It will diminish with time as its supposed to unless….as you’ve indicated, the feeling is embraced because it connects you to this incredible sensitivity that you cherish. Experience that sensitivity, a gift in part from your mom because it was formed from the DNA she gave you, in a more positive way. To expect an uniterrupted life is not realistic. When my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer I learned that there were many things over which I had no control. Make your dad proud and honor the legacy your mom left you by celbrating her life, possible in so many ways.
Jennifer, I totally love your blog. I think you do a wonderful job of versing your feelings and I can totally relate to everything you are saying…I just find it sooo totally hysterical (and fantastic might I add)that here you are pouring your heart out right next to Alexis’s daily cookie making extravaganzas!!!! LOL
Thank you so much Jennifer, for sharing with us. Your blogs about your Mother really help me deal with my loss. I’m extremely jealous of how well you put your feelings into words. I was never taught how to express mine and as I result everything stays inside, which I know is not healthy. Reading your blogs helps me understand my own feelings and thank you for that. Please don’t stop.
I’ve been there a few times.
Thank you for being so honest on the whole “death” thing. Next Wednesday will be a 10 year anniversary (?) of my teenage son passing away from swine flu. It seems like just yesterday as I carry the pain with me everyday. People around will never understand, but you can learn to live with it, but things will never be the same. As I am listening to your show this Tuesday evening I wish you all could talk about something more than suicide. Thanks for all your blog entries, your Mom sounds like such a beautiful woman. Later
embrace the mushy side; embrace the “hardened” side; both are a part of who you are..both useful to yourself and others; both worth of your time and attention…
My Dad died 32 years ago and the wave of sadness still comes over me all these years later each year on his anniversary, but it does get easier. Don’t be so hard on yourself and DON’T let it harden you. You are too nice and warm to let the experience do that.
Sorry to say Jennifer but your 18mos later speech sounds a bit like you lost your mother just yesterday and havent moved on much. Not saying that you should ever move on , but quit reliving the whole cancer thing in your head. She could have been hit by a car. It doesnt matter how she died it was Gods choice. If you have faith in God and realize that you mother is still with you , even stronger in thought than she could ever be with you in person. Try to be stonger for you children and teach them that dieing isnt the end and that life must go on.
And we’re still hearing about it. Enough already.
jennifer keep writing, keep “feeling” don’t forget. You are mushy and overly feeling and those are some of your very BEST qualities…..you are geniuine and kind and thoughtful. Hang in there…. with time everything gets easier.
All i can say…is THANK YOU for sharing your heart….I appreciate it so much and understand and empathize with you as I lost my much beloved “Granny” recently and she was the sunshine of my life (next to my wonderful daughter Ruby-who is named after her) and had moved from California to Ohio just to be there and have relationship and to allow my daughter to have the “Granny” I had growing up, a warm, loving,. caring, sacrificing, unconditional (as humanly possible) human being ….I knew I would be moving here to watch and help her “finish life with dignity and respect” and to live as independantly as long as possible…all things that happened but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t still pain…..and now I have my grandather to watch too so I understand what you are saying….keep sharing your heart and your story…..it helps others to walk through what they are going through (like me) too…..:0)
p.s. because of what you write and how you share, you are the only “blog” I read and respond to….btw LOVE LOVE LOVE the show!!!!
This is a beautiful post, very well written, well-expressed. Though I have not lost someone close to me yet, through your words I understand perfectly how you feel.
My wife has been going through the same thing with her mother. Her mother probably has 1 – 2 months to live. I see happening in her what you have gone through. Her mother was also her best friend, her confident, her companion.
She goes between the hardened person who can dispassionately discuss cancer to the lump of emotion who has a hard time getting out of bed in the morning.
She moved to her parents house today because her mother needs more care than her father can offer (he has enought problems of his own).and while it will be hard for her to watch her mother die I think it will also allow her to deal with this incredibly sad change in her life.
When my mother died it was so different. A series of small strokes had left my mother with a relatively healthy body with dementia. My mother bacame a crazy person for several years before she was lucky enough to die and finally be able to get rest. While this was hard it was somehow easier for me because I knew it was not really my mother the last few years.
My mother-in-law was taking long walks and working on the farm a year ago, now she can hardly leave the chair in the living room.. She can still carry on a great conversation when she has the energy but her body has failed her.
I think you will always be sad, don’t wish to not be sad, but you will start to remember the happy times more every day.
I don’t know if I would worry about being hardened. You have experienced a great loss as will my wife but I know in a real way it has softened her in infinite ways and that the love she feels for her mother will radiate from her and enrich others.
Jennifer enjoy the moment, your kids, your husband, and your radio show…There will be another problem, another death its just life…sorry that your mother died, its not like you are alone. I really hate to say this but isn’t there kind of a sense of freedom, your mother is not there to criticize you, your weight, your clothes, how you are raising your children, I loved my mother, but now I fell like I have finally reached a level in my life where no one rules. I make the decisions, Good or bad, I just love the freedom
Ops…. I meant dying …..not a good proof reader. I guess my chances at being an editor are way out there. I should probably edit some of the things I send out to you as well. You should be aloud to feel how ever you want. Take what we all say to you with a grain of salt.
Post something new…and maybe interesting.