i have often said that i am waiting to have a dream where my mother will come to me… well, dammit, that happened last night. and it wasn’t great. crap. it wasn’t even good.
and it wasn’t even that my mother came to me…really, it was more that she happened to be a part of a disturbing dream and for the duration of the dream, my mother was VERY alive to me.
and annoying. and obnoxious. and frankly when i awoke this morning, i was relieved that the argument we had in my dream was not in fact real, and we did not in fact fight, because my mother is not in fact alive.
yeesh mommy. can’t you show up in my dreams in a loving way?! arghhh.
i’m kidding. i know dreams are my subconscious and i know my mother can’t actually "show up" anywhere…but still. i am waiting for that magical "my mother came to me in a dream and told me she’s doing well up above sitting on some cloud drinking her coffee hot as she liked it, making people smile and laugh. and keeping everything neat and orderly while watching over each and every one of us. and protecting us. and loving us. and missing us, but nonetheless doing ok in some heaven-like existence" dream.
and no, i am not wallowing in self pity about losing her when she was 65 and i was 38. i know it wasn’t a "tragedy" and really just something "tragic" to me and unfortunate and very sad.
but i continue to miss her.
and sometimes it does feel like a lot.
xxx
jennifer
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I think God gave you that not so great dream first for many reasons, mainly since you continue to have such a difficult time with her death. You need to be ready for the peace else her presence in your dreams and everyday life will make you even sadder I think.
Trust me on this, my parents died together 7 years ago, the good dreams including her and the feeling of her being on your shoulder as you go throughout your day, or in my case in a cartoon balloon floating over me, will come in due time and it won’t be sad and horrible. At least for me, my parent’s presence gives me great peace.
It’s all so strange to write and difficult to properly communicate. Just hang in there!!!
Dont worry so much about what other think about how you should or should not feel. Have faith in yourself first and then your faith in your mothers looking down on you and giving you the sign you need to feel good again will come. Dont rush what takes time. You cant get what you want when you want it. Thats what faith teaches you.
Jennifer, you will have that dream you want. It might take time. But you’ll have it. And when it does come to you, it will be when you least expect it and you’ll wake up feeling absolutely wonderful.
The dream means youre still damn mad that “she” ( she would hate that) died and that you are even going to fight with her and anyone else about it. Dont be in such a hurry to get glad………… its ok to be mad.
My Dad has been gone 9 years in April. I’ve never had one of those dreams where he talks to me or gives me signs. Always weird or dreams that don’t make any sense.
Anyway, I’m sorry that you have to clarify so much about missing your Mom. It took YEARS for me to get to the point of accepting my Dad’s death..call it denial or that I’m a big baby or whatever but I miss him to this day. I know why you have to say all that stuff but I think whoever attacks you over it are really heartless FREAKS.
your wrong Jennifer your mother can & will come to you in a dream. Just be open to it. My mother came to me the night before her funeral. She came into my bed & gave me comfort. She told me she loved me & that she was there to help me with the transition. Since then she has come many times in my dreams but also I’ve had spirit visits while awake. Just be open to it & it will happen. Love transcends absolutely everything.
Oh, Jennifer. I’m sorry that for whatever reason you have been made to feel like you have to apologize for mourning your mother in your own way. It’s OK for it to be a tragedy for you. Your mother may never “show up” in your dream, but I can see that she is very much alive in your description of her, and thus in your heart and mind. The way you feel now will ebb and give way to something less painful, I promise…
This Mothers Day my mom will be gone 34 years, she was 44, anyways, in the dreams immediate years folllowing her death the dreams were a struggle, I would see her in a crowd or almost withing touching distance but not quite, I would try to connect with her and she would look at me and just smile, I would try to follow her but she would get lost in the crowd, I would stop and suddenly in my dream my step father would be there and he would say something like she didn’t really die but went for some special treatment, she died of lung cancer, she starting to respond to the treatment and just wanted to see you she didn’t mean for you to see her, when she is well she will come home, at that point in the dream I could feel myself trying to wake up and tossing and turning, it was a very odd time. Haven’t had the dream in a long time, but it was always the same dream, like a bad rerun and your tv off buttom won’t work and you can’t change the station. She passed when my son was 2 and 2 years before my daughter was born, now with grandchildren I have had dreams where I see her watching them, but it seems to comfort me not leaving me feeling like the first dreams did. So your not alone with those dreams hopefully the intensity of yours eases over time too.
Connie
I lost my mom 10 yrs ago when I was 31 and am still waiting for that kind of a dream. Losing your mother may not be a “tragedy” to others but it is to the child. I don’t think there’s a more painful loss. I feel for you and your pain.
Blessings to you!
My mother has also passed awayand everytime i dream about her it is never good. I always dream that she faked her death for some selfish reason, and when i run into her, I am so excited she is alive, but she is so mean to me and doesnt want me in her life. WEIRD! we were very close when she was alive…best friends. I am not sure what the dream is trying to tell me, but I have had that type of dream at least 10 times if not more.
Hmm… Both of parents make cameo appearances in my dreams quite often. Sometimes they’re a part of the action and other times they’re just hanging around in the background. Either way, it’s kind of nice to see them whole and healthy, even if it is just a dresm.
I am 35 and lost my mother 6 years ago. She was my best friend and I agree with Tammy, it has been a very painful loss. For the longest time, I struggled with not picking up the phone to call her each day. Luckily, I have lots of memories with her and I know she is still looking over me. I still dream about her quite often. And it is randomness in my dreams. Sometimes I dream she is sick, like she was before she died, and sometimes she is 100 percent healthy. I think that is my way of knowing she is still close by. Thanks for your honesty on here. I think it helps us all in our healing.
Your Mom will be in more dreams, believe me. My Dad pops into my dreams here and there and I always wake up with a great feeling after that happens. I said goodbye to him when he was only 63, I was 33. I would practically drop to my knees when I would think that I had to say goodbye at 33. That I would never be able to talk to him again, that hurt so bad. It has been 10 years, and i still cry, but, not as much. Be strong Jennifer.
Laura
5 Years later and I wish my mother would come to me too!!
my family is into german voodoo and if a dead relative appears in a dream and talks, it’s just a dream. if it they don’t talk, they were really there. example: my sis had a dream of my grandmother, who was dead at that time, appearing in a grocery store aisle. she was frantic, pulling her hair, speaking in italian. my sis knew something was wrong. this dream kept recurring. she went to the doc for a problem and was eventually diagnosed with cancer at 37. fast forward to literally days after the surgery when she was waiting for the biopsy. she dreamt again of my granny but this time she was all smiles and calm. she gave my sis a big hug. her biopsies came back clean. personally, my dead cats come back to me in dreams, can’t catch them, whenever someone is getting really ill.
Lost my Mom when I was 35 to cancer too. It ravaged her and she barely looked human towards the end. So I couldn’t get that horrible final image out of my thoughts or dreams for a while after she passed away. But one night I had “the dream”. IMy healthy, well-dressed, pretty Mom and I were sitting together on the sofa with my little ones playing at our feet. I remember we were both smiling and happy and I told her she looked beautiful. It was remarkably simple and healing. That was 4 years ago and the warnth and joy from that one dream is still with me. Jenn, you’ll get your dream.
Jennifer I totally believe that your mom will come to you in your dreams. I also believe that you will also see a stranger in passing that will instantly seem like it’s your mom. I believe it will happen to you for it has happened to me on numerous occassions. My dad passed 9 years ago on 2/26 (his wedding anniv) he was 63 and I was 38. My last dream of him was a few months ago and he was telling my girlfriend that she deserves the best and should not settle. Now I haven’t spoken with that girlfriend in years….I trying to get the courage to call her.
So Jennifer believe with all your heart and it will come/happen to you.
I wish I could send you love and comfort in some practical, real way. My sincere condolences.
I had a dream about my dad the day after he passed… he was on a hospital bed, with a sigh of relief saying he was feeling much better and to tell my mom about he said. Its been 5 yrs & I still dream about him, cry over him, and daydream… its not self pitty, its real emotions & being in touch w/ them. I believe this is good for the soul. Lil
Hi Jennifer,
When my mother-in-law was dying, I told her if she could, to find a way to come back and tell us what it was like. Well, she didn’t come back to me, but she came back to my son, who was 13 at the time. He told me that she sat on his bed and told him that Heaven was like Earth only better.
She told him not to be sad, that she was fine.
My mother-in-law was only 63 when she died. It is a tragedy because she had a lot more life to live, same as your mother. You shouldn’t have to apologize for the way you feel. It is sad that you lost your mother so young, and I’m very sorry for your loss.
What did you eat for dinner? That probably caused it. Foods and supplements rich in vit B cause vivid dreaming.
much love to you!
I hope it goes without saying that no one can or should judge your feelings, they belong solely to you. However, since I’ve been visiting this site it’s clear that you post less frequently than Alexis and when you do, it’s frequently about your grief. Therefore it’s hard not to feel as though your grief may be overwhelming your ability to enjoy (and share) the other aspects of what one would assume is a blessed and interesting life. Again, no judgment here, just an observation.
You never have to apologize for mourning someone you love—-it is natural. “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.”—because your mother is not physically here does not mean you don’t or shouldn’t miss her, long for her, or grieve her loss. I know it’s not fun for you but anyone who judges you for it is a complete and utter loser.
Jennifer you write so beautifully about your mother, your feelings, your mourning… I cry when I read it – it’s very moving. I’ve been through similar losses and you really express what it’s like. It IS tragic and you are allowed to wallow if need be. You do what you need to do. I hope that writing your blog helps you – even a little – as it’s generous of you to share yourself with us. Best wishes from a big fan of both you and Alexis.
Well, dreams are kind of real. What do we really know about what happens when we’re gone? And, a loss is a tragedy and I don’t think you need to explain or excuse your grief. Because it is a lot. Sometimes it is even too much. God bless you.
never apologize for missing your Mom. You will always miss her. Unfortunately you may never get the comforting dream with the Mom hug you are hoping for but know that she is alright and she is always with you in your heart.
Jenn, I am sure you can sympathize with the Olympic skater that lost her mother. So sad … all so sad for all of us who loose our loved ones.
you should never have to explain how you feel about your mom. None of us think you are wallowing! You express yourself exactly how you want and that’s good. It’s your blog. And P.S. you will have that dream you are waiting for but it will come when you least expect it. Like you might be driving down the road and suddenly just hear her voice in your head saying something to you that she said a thousand times. To you, it’s just thinking about the past – but it just might be her way of communicating. You just never know, right? I prefer to think and believe the best. And will for you also!
I didn’t realize what “forever” was until I lost my Dad 2 years ago, it’s very difficult & hard to express.{{{hugs}}}
I lost my dad nearly six years ago to cancer when I was 34. I dream of him occasionally and usually they aren’t that great. One dream, though, was awesome and in it we hugged and he said he was okay and he looked great. Now, I think of that dream instead of when he was sick. And when I have a not so great dream I think of the awesome one and it makes me feel better. You’ll have the awesome dream too. I promise. The waiting just sucks.
Jennifer, you’re allowed to feel this way. She was your mother. It was a tragedy. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so much pain.
I often have dreams about my late father and grandparents and though occasionally they are not particularly happy dreams, when I awake in the morning I always feel comforted. I am not a spiritual person at all but I truly feel that my loved ones are still very connected to me in my life by their appearance in my dreams.
I hope you will find comfort in your dreams too.
I have a conflict dream all the time ab my mom..
same age..same disease.as Bunny
…I wake up sad..but I also feel weirdly happy because I see her so vividly…..
hugs…
It was a tragedy and you want and miss her love. I don’t care how old you are. That is meaningless.
CAT
Get over it!! You are coming off now as weird.
Oh Jennifer I feel for you………..those dreams are so real. When you have a “good” one of your mom it will be wonderfully sad, to have her there, so real and only to be swept away with the awakening from sleep……….
You are not alone in that strange dream. I have dreamt of having some terrible horrible argument with my mother who is alive. But we never argue! It was very disturbing.
Hi Jen, I can appreciate you wanting some kind of sign from your mom. I lost my sister 15 years ago and like you, wondered if things that occurred since were some kind of sign from her. I lost my dad more recently – during the last few weeks when we knew death was imminent, I struggled with bringing up the subject, so I never did, but I wanted so badly to ask him once he was no longer with us, could he give me a signal so I knew he was with me. I know this probably sounds idiotic. I couldn’t bring myself to asking him, but thought maybe we could agree to some kind of signal…Didn’t have the courage to ask, now I wish I did. Take care.
Jennifer my dad will be dead 5 years come July and I keep waiting for the dream you are talking about. I just want to see him laugh and know he isn’t suffering any more. I believe he is at peace and my faith should give me comfort that he is but I still keep waiting for that dream.
Jennifer.. I would not worry about what others might think. I think dreams like that are “Visits”. My father 66 died last year I was 37. I have dreams about him, some are good some are bad but I feel like I just saw him because they are so real. I like reading your blog because I feel the same way about my dad as you feel about your mother. Now you should cherish the time you have with your father also.
Jennifer – my mom died less than four months before your mom (March, 2008) when I was 38 and she was 63. I will never apologize for missing her. If I did, it would be like she meant nothing to me which is the exact opposite of the way it was. My family (mom, dad, brother and sister and me) has always been super-close and this was the most tragic thing that ever happened to us. When I see my mom in my dreams, I am thankful to have seen her at all. I am scared for the day that she doesn’t show up in them…I would take her any way I could get her and be happy. Life is truly too short.
Jennifer, That primal, gnawing grief you have that can feel like some hideous monster capable of completely swallowing you up is just a refection of the DEPTH of your need, attachment, and love you feel for your dear mother. From personal experience, I have learned that true loss is just not something we ever “get over” in the sense that we’re able to completely let go and move on. You can only work on integrating your grief, your anger, your need, your memories, your spirituality, your love, and your personal experience into your NEW reality. Grief becomes a permanent part of us and its personality is always changing. Loss of someone so beloved as your mom will forever make your life more complicated; but over much time, suprisingly, when the (ok, this sounds corny) complex, woven tapestry of your life is complete, often far richer. It’s a process and unfortunately it’s always in flux. Some days you’ll feel you are moving forward and other days, it’s like you’re are right back where you started. There are no easy answers and as unfair as it seems, you must travel that path alone. What’s obvious to so many of us, is that you are a passionate person capable of deep joy, love of life, with an amazing abilty to empathize and to care about others.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but one strategy that might help you to cope as well as to initiate the healing process that seems so overwhelming right now, would be to find a way to give to others what you so desperately need for yourself. As impossible as that sounds, I can promise you that this really works if you will take that leap of faith and extend your broken heart to another with a similar need. It will come back to you in ways you would never have believed possible. I hope you know that in spite of all of the nasties out there, there are those sending out heartfelt prayers for you …..
I LOVE posts about your feelings about your mom.
My dad passed last March and was very silent in the 3 months he lasted after his diagnosis. A month or so after he died I had a dream in which he was alive. He talked a blue streak throughout the dream. Even when he wasn’t in the “scene” he could be heard in the background droning on about something. I awoke confused and a little happy. Even in my dream he refused to talk about anything relevant to his life. He just went on and on about some article he was reading in the newspaper.Even my subconscious knows that he was who he was and my effort to make him into the dad I wished for was futile.
Jennifer,
For selfish reasons, I was actually relieved to see your post. My Mom died in 2001 after a fairly prolonged illness. I loved her a lot and we were very close. I always hear about the “joyful” dreams that people have where their loved ones let them know that everything is alright. For the past nine years, I haven’t had that dream either. When my Mom is in a dream, soemthing is always wrong, or weird, or tense. I always wake up wondering why I don’t have the happy dreams that people talk about. I guess it’s like you said, and it’s all just subconscious, but I’m relieved to hear someone else say that their dreams about loved ones who have passed are not so wonderful. Take care, and as everyone says, it does get easier to deal with as time goes by.
Jennifer, my mom passed away when she was 55 and I was 34, ten years ago. We were very close. I aspire to have my marriage as good as my parents. It drives me crazy because my dreams of her never make sense. She is either being mean to my dad or me or just being weird when I am sooo glad to see her. It is very confusing. Maybe it’s because I’ve been waiting for THAT dream also. Hope I get it someday. I’ve never been able to describe the feeling I get after these weird dreams as no one would understand. I feel better reading this and seeing I’m not the only one. Thanks.
I would love to be able to tell you that time heals everything. But that has not been my experience. This thanksgiving will mark the 16th I have spent w/out my mom. She was diagonsed when I was 16, died 3 years later. My life will never be the same, I have just learned to get by. Some days are good. somedays it hurts to breathe. But I know I have to honor her with the life I live. So I try, and try. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I am still that scared 16yr old. Sending love and peace to you. Hoping the good days out number the bad <3
I dream about my Dad sometimes Miss Jennifer, and they are not always easy dreams. My Dad was a Deacon in a Catholic Church and I had a hard time living up to some of his expectations. He was always very loving though and I miss him so much. He loved Lent and its during these times that it gets really tough not having him around. I am not an avid church goer but I do miss his phone calls telling me to get my butt to church.
I have had those dreams where we argue and I wake up with some regret. I also wake up feeling like he’s not so very far away and that he is still watching out for me.
My Mom died 10 years ago when I was 28. For six months after that I had nightmares about her. Morbid, graphic nightmares. I hope you don’t have any of those!
I know how you feel – I was 35 & my Mother died in a fire. The ride to get to her house in the middle of the night after getting a call that her house was on fire is such a blur. She was 56. I am now older than her. It gets easier but there isn’t a day I don’t think of her & last year I lost my Daddy to a blood cancer. Life is hard & my thoughts are with you. I miss my Mom & Dad everyday. And sometimes it does feel like a lot.
xoxo jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
I am very sorry for your loss. I can empathize as I have experienced some major losses in my own life. There is such a thing as grief without any hope, and if that is the case, a person really needs to make a decision as to where they will spend eternity. I don’t mean to be unkind, but your mom is already gone and even if she could return to you she would no doubt tell you the same. Praying for you. All blessings, Ellen
Jenny
Please stop saying it wasn’t a tragedy….Yes it was. You are sad and all of the other emotions that go with losing a parent and damnit yes it is a tragedy. Screw anyone who cannot understand this…….I am approaching my 3rd year anniversary without my Mom and I am still sad and teary…..It sucks to lose your Mom or your Dad. I think you are amazing….and super talented….you should get your own TV show you would be great!!
Hi Jennifer, I know it is possible to have that dream, I had it with my best friend after she passed and she gave me a hug and told me she was ok. I have always wanted my mother to come to me after she died when I was 7, but it has never happend. You know she is wth you, look for signs other than dreams and I bet you will feel her..
Love the show. Hugs
I have dreams about my grandfather all the time. He just winks at me from the “sidelines.” I think it’s him. 🙂
Hey Jennifer. I lost my dad 4 years ago. He was 55 and I was 24. It was awful. I, like you, wish I could see him or talk to him..of course that never happens, but I felt him in a dream once and we were hugging. And it felt woderful…and i’ll never forget it. Maybe you will hug your mom one day 🙂 I hope so. Much love, Kelly.
It’s so weird that I am sitting here reading your post when I am supposed to be getting ready for work…in the past year Bunny has popped into my consciousness and into my dreams more often than you can imagine. Even last night watching Idol when they talked about Siobhan being a glass blower—probably because of the epergnes, but all of a sudden she was on my mind. Totally random.
One of the most vivid dreams I can remember is one where we are talking about Randy Pausch and in my dream she was SO typically her—cursing him (and me) out angrily for being so f’ing inspirational about having pancreatic cancer. I remember waking up and thinking the same thing you expressed in your post—if you’re going to be in dream you should at least have the decency to be nice/positive! I think she IS around, and wherever she is she is still herself…a fun-loving, crazy, loud neurotic lady who loves her kids and grandkids more than anyone I have ever met. She loved you/loves you and was/is so proud of you. I don’t have SIRIUS in my car but I love when we travel somewhere in Jim’s truck because I get to listen to you—and the reason I love it so much is that it’s like listening to a conversation with your mother—you are all over the place, blurting out random thoughts and speaking your mind. She made you who you are and the world (and me!) loves you for it. Hang in there. You should miss her…she was a great lady.
My grandma ‘came to me’ in a dream about 2 months after she passed.. and you will know.. it will feel different then other dreams you’ve had.. Can’t articulate it well, but you will feel it.
My Mama died at the age of 99 (4 months ago), and I was 65 (now 66). I don’t think you ever get over the death of your Mother. I miss her everyday. Sometimes I dream of her, and they are not bad dreams, but random dreams – no consolation or questions answered. I’m glad you and your Mother loved each other. I think the dreams mean nothing except she was on your mind and spilled over into your dreams.
It has been 20 + years since my mom passed. I am 49- there are so many things she missed. The one I still cry about – she never got meet my real love of my life. We got married 9 years ago. She would gave been so happy -I sooo missed her on my wedding day. There have been many times I am sure she was watching out for me but what I wouldent give to have had most of thoes years back. I think your mom will “come to see you again” in a better dream when you least expect it. BTW….love the show!!!