a friend of mine is losing her mother… not today, nor tomorrow, but sooner than later. and this friend is all mixed up because her relationship with her mother is wrought with issues…ummmm who’s isnt (wasnt!)
i think mothers and daughters always have complicated relationships…even the seemingly perfect pair!
and my advice to this friend (because she asked me how to deal with the range of feelings she’s having), and correct me if i’m wrong, is to get it all out.
GET IT ALL OUT! her gripes, concerns, disappointments, successes, things that made her angry, things that made her gleeful… she needs to tell her mother all of it. ask all the questions she may have, tell her she loves her and how she made her amazing and also a little insane and a little (a lot) angry. laugh about it. cry about it. just talk.
because until someone is gone, we can work through everything and heal so much. when you know that someone has a terminal illness there doesn’t have to be anything left unsaid.
i was lucky. even with an overbearing somewhat crazy mom, i never felt unloved or unappreciated.
yeah, i felt too fat, and my mom definitely placed more importance on my appearance than was necessary, but ultimately i knew i was her sunsine.
and while she was sick, we had plenty of conversations…the good, the bad, the ugly. and i am so soothed now, 20 months later, that i told her everything i needed to.
2 days before my mother died, after telling me that she loved me, my mother said to me… “i’m sorry”…and although i don’t know what she was referring to exactly, i believe she meant for all of it…for mothering me in some ways too much and in other ways too little, for getting sick (no apology necessary), and for dying (no apology necessary)… and i am staggeringly aware of the gift of our last conversation.
xxx
jennifer
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Beautiful, Jennifer! And yes, yes and YES to all of it!! xoxo
Jenn,
You are a remarkable person and I’m sure you were a remarkable daughter…your mom is your angel now!
Excellent sharing Jennifer thank you.To me the wisdom is the gift we get after growing through the pain of losing a loved one. You will help many with this posting.
I couldn’t agree more, Jennifer. I’ve consciously tried to live much of my adult life without regret, so when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and passed away 18 months later at age 63, I’m eternally thankful there weren’t unspoken thoughts and issues. Every day following her diagnosis our family counted as a gift, and we got 9 more months’ worth of gifts than any of her doctors expected. Treasure life, keep things in perspective, and try to live without regret. It takes away from the present to live in the past.
Beautifully put Jennifer. I think so many times people are unable to talk to the ones they love in an honest way and when something terrible happens and takes them away they are sorry that they never got to express their true feelings.
Your post makes me cry. My mom recently moved in with us, she is 67. The older I get the more I dislike her.
Lovely and lovingly said Jennifer.
When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer I bought a book for him to complete – it was a series of questions that he was to answer about himself. What was his favorite meal as a child? Who was his first crush? What was his first car? What is his favorite story?
It was set up so he would complete a page a day and I would get 365 things to remember him by – ideally this book would be started before the illness is diagnosed, so everyone rush out there and buy the book (which I can’t find right now because I’m in the process of moving).
He did more than a page a day, thankfully, and completed the book before he was incapacitated about 6 months later. I cherish the book and bought one for my mom as well – she’s still poking through it 5 years later, but I will have that when she’s gone, too.
And I think the best thing you can do is just tell the dying parent that you love them and run with that – if you feel the need to vent, do so, but hopefully you’ll have more good than bad to talk about.
Jennifer- couldn’t agree more. My mom and I never got along, yet when she was ill, as the only daughter, her care fell on me. Her last words to me were “what are you doing here?” when I visited her hospital room. Several days later, I got the call @ 2:00am telling me to gather my brothers, the end was near. I always wonder how mad she was that when she passed, I was the only one of her children holding her hand, not her precious boys. This happend in 2004 and I’m still conflicted in my feelings.
Love the show.
Great post Jennifer! Wise lady!
I know that you always speak very highly of your own relationship with your mother. To me I kind of read between what you say and have thought that maybe you had some unresolved issues with your mother that were unable to work themselves out the way you wanted. You should stop, IF you define yourself by the relationship that you had with your mother. My mother is 80 and she will die one day. I will die one day. I have a daughter. I want my daughter not to feel that she should define herself by me on what she is or what she will become. But, in that same token, I do feel very strongly that as a mother its good for a daughter to have her mothers opinion bearing strong on her and that she also is given the freedom by her mother to make mistakes and learn her own way through life. We all die some day and death teaches us all how to live.
If you want to go back to school and become a freaking grief counselor, then go for it. But dont subject your listening/blogging audience to your psycho-dramatics day after day. This is not a platform for you to “play doctor” so until you get your new degree and career, keep it to yourself.
Excellent advice. I did the same thing as you and it means everything.
This was a great post, Huttyness.
You put it so well.
That’s very good advice.
Hello Jen,
My precious Mama past sometime ago, 22 years ago. She did some… things incorrectly, child rearing and mothering. I NOW still am constantly realizing how many wonderful things in raising us she did do wonderfully. The goof ups Mama did do, I truely see and most I understand why she did these missed-opportunities. It’s never easy for any of us mother’s to do a perfect job of child rearing and it seems especially with one’s daughter’s.
All I can say is the last time I talked to my precious Mama….on the phone, I told her I loved her and gave her a smooch over the phone.
Every single day I wish I could have my Mama back to kiss her precious face and tell her I love her. I would never tell my little Italian Mama what she did wrong, ever.
I miss Mama with all my heart. I learned so much from her, right and the wrong and the indifferent. I am sure she knows what things she did wrong and has repented deeply for them. Remember it’s all a learning experience, ALL OF IT.
I guess if you must for whatever reason(s) you would have for telling your life’s source what a bad person she is on her death bed then do it ( I guess if she was an axe murderer, but then I would hope you had resigned any healthy relationship with your mother anyway). I assure you when done you WILL not be a better person or feel better.
My sister did this to Mama telling her the x,y and z;s of her parenting errors. This haunts my (dumb) sister everyday.
Barbara shame on you, hateful in my opinion. You should put soap in your own mouth.
Remember mothers do not last forever and nor will you Mama’s out there.
Jenny Hutt, you truly are all Heart. Thank you for exposing your Mama boo-boo’s when you feel you have done so.
Even with all of your flaws and we all have FLAWS……….I think your Mama did a pretty good job with you!
I gotta stop posting………… I have too many freaking typo’s. Carry on………
awww, what sweet awesome words you gave to your friend. i never had a chance to tell my mom all the things i could’ve/should’ve. so i totally agree that when you know you have the time (and the end is drawing near), talk talk talk. wish you were my friend! =) xo
Well being a mom and still having my mom at 85. This really hits home. Thank You.
@ kym…..did you make book with questions or buy book to fill out. sounds great.. I want one. Also to LOOK..you sound like a complete and total asshole. I think you need to see a counsler to work out your anger issues!
A book by Jeanne Safer titled Death Benefits might be a help.
Jennifer,I know every handles greif differently.I just feel guilty sometimes that after 20 months,your loss is still so painful.My mother,(gone 4 years now) was the best mom(too me) in the world.But diabetes took her life.She lost most of her sight,had amputations.But when her kidneys and heart started failing,she refused treatment of any kind,she wanted to go and not suffer anymore, and we let her go,that was hard. We wanted to keep her alive.which was so unfair of her children, we weren’t the ones in pain.But I find peace everyday, knowing she is not hurting anymore. She lived a great life before diabetes, and she’s smiling down now on her kids, grandkids and greatgrands. try to remeber, your mom is not in pain anymore, but smiling down on you and yours, in joy and love, and no pain….
What do you say to those of us who moved thousands of miles to be free of their mothers those mothers that are so toxic and hateful that you have a second cell phone just for her the ones that everytime they see you nothing that you’re wearing no job that you have or friends are worth a thing (and I’m a nurse) the mother that tells you to your face that she’s sorry she couldn’t save you from the tradgedy that is your life (even though you always made good grades had amazing friends whose mothers felt so bad for you they went that extra mile married a surgeon who is not only the kindest most loving person but the top 10 of his profession) my mother is dying of terminal cancer they have given her less than 3 months and I’m not sad I have zero desire for deathbed apologies and she has already informed my sister and I that our presence at her memorial isn’t required all she needs is my father and my brother sitting front row ( her exact words) my father has said he wouldn’t blame us if we didn’t come even understands but my brother is trying to make us feel guilty by playing the someday day we will be sorry card and I say NOT 27yrs of her hateful toxic hell is all the memory I need
Lovely—my relationship with my mother is fraught with all kinds of ickiness—my mother and grandmother are living out their own version of Grey Gardens (without any pretensions of money or artistic aspiration or noblesse oblige) it’s just spaced out Southern Gothic without any drugs—anyway, my sister and I are sad and dumbfounded that these women who have been given the gift of longevity (89 and 65 respectivley) can’t nurture or mother either of us or themselves. I am so glad that you were able to talk to your mother—-this is not to say that I don’t appreciate your grief and grieving for your mother that is ongoing. I am just glad she was able to listen to you
I wonder if you really get how many people you touch each day?!? You are so amazing and this is so true thank you for being you
Well put. Bunny would be so proud!
Bravo, Jennifer. Well said. Leave nothing unsaid. Well put. Thanks for sharing.
@Alexa, we cant choose our mothers. But we can learn from them. Good or bad, you can still learn from your mother. Just be the best that you can be , and dont worry about having the “perfect” relationship with your mother. Even those that you think have the perfect relationship have some flaws.
@Alexa, we cant choose our mothers. But we can learn from them. Good or bad, you can still learn from your mother. Just be the best that you can be , and dont worry about having the “perfect” relationship with your mother. Even those that you think have the perfect relationship have some flaws.
That right Jennifer, leave nothing unsaid & love will take care of the rest.
I Agree! love/cherish every min. of her while you have her. Personally if I have ever disresptected or hurt my mom’s feelings (hardly ever) I call her back within seconds to apologize…because I think, “What if this is the last time I talk to her?!?” That would be my biggest regret. So its best to talk to her about anything, even if you’re not used to talking “that way”.
I told my mom about your blog and how you wrote about your emotions and the loss of your mom…I cried to her & expressed to her how much I appreciated her…
You inspire 🙂
Jennifer, I think you’re advice is great and your friend is lucky to have you to turn to.
A little more too say. I agree with your friend getting it all out now, before her mother is gone. It will help the grieveing, healing, and moving on process, a little easier to deal with< and having issues,cleared up and questions answered,is good medicine for both mind and soul.
I agree with all what u said Jenny
i lost my mom 5 years and now I am 26
and i have been through it all
I agree that nothing should be left unsaid, but only on the positive side. I don’t see the point in flogging a dying person with all kinds of issues and gripes, when they are probably helpless to do anything about it at that point. Particularly a mother, and particularly one who might be clueless up to that point as to their offenses as perceived by their children. Do it earlier in life, sure, but not once it is known that they will be dying soon. That might even be the time to build them up as parents no matter what your grievances.
Beautifully said…
You poor thing Alexa you are pure acid. Have you ever thought possibly your mom is mentally ill?
If you have children this toxic acid thought process WILL spue on your children one way or another.
You do not have to go to your mothers funeral, that is most certainly not the problem or issue. Sadly you are.
Your mom is checkin’ out sounds by your story it’s a positive thing for her. She will find much more forgiveness and love on the other side than with you or anyone in your family at this stage it sounds like to me.
Get some help dear. It does not matter who you are married too.
Mother, daughter relationships can be as explosive and as damaging as a huge bomb. Women are complicated and competitive souls. One can times this by ten when the relationship is a mother and daughter tango with problems. Ladies when things go bad or have always been hurtful, the old song, GET HELP. Your pain and anger will ruin many years of your life. Alexa is an example. Again get help now Alexa. Your hurt and pain will fester especially after your mom has moved on.
Pia Cucianno Phd. Family Psycology
Wow! No,no,no,no. Leave the ugly past behind while the woman is dying. “Getting it out” now only helps you, the one who will keep on living,for the moment. And then, maybe not. The guilt of bringing up now what may have been horrible in the past…that can live forever. Leave it.Let it out later. Dying is a time for forgiveness, unselfishness, kindness to the one who is dying. Let it go…for now.Please! Ask questions, apologize, be loving. Some things are better left unsaid.
I’ve been reading your blog (and Alexis’s blog) since the beginning…and I’m amazed at how much you’ve been through, yet how much you’ve learned from it and are willing to share. It takes such an incredibly strong and beautiful person to disclose the deepest wounds (whether healed or unhealed). Your tears helped others heal… that may sound twisted but you are by far an extraordinary woman who has overcome loss with an abundance of love… Thank you for this.
AGREE 100%….before my mom passed we fought, cried & laughed….she told me how proud she was of me and that she understood why we locked horns sometimes…becuase I was just like her…I am an very proud….and blessed that I had the chance to have these conversations with her….
And even though he is a total douche..everytime I hear the John Mayer song “Say what you need to say” I get a lump in my throat….
Thanks for these blogs Jen…
Beautiful Jennifer – years ago (in an interview) Demi Moore talked about her moms death and she said that you have to deal with all the issues before they pass- otherwise, you are just left with all this “stuff” and they are gone and you don’t know what to do with it – really true! Beautiful blog – thanks!!
A lovely post. Thanks for your thoughts. Completely opposite of your co-worker making fun of people on the subway.
It is such good advice. I will remember it always.
My mother and I have been estranged for many years. We had a very abusive relationship. So no, I won’t be having that kind of conversation with her at the end. However, I’ve had and still have “Moms” in my life that have helped me heal, and have shown me what that relationship was supposed to be. So I guess it depends on what you mean by complicated. To Jen’s friend, and Alexa, yes you do need to get support to work through all of this. Talk to someone impartial. I did, and it really helped. Please ignore Pia’s venomous words. To Pia, you need to go back to school, if in fact you are a Dr, which I doubt since you can’t even spell psychology. You obviously missed the class on compassion.
jenn as i sit hear in tears after reading that thank you so much as a mom i get it but more importantly as a daughter i am picking up the phone today to make a long overdue call to talk about ALL the issues that have been eating me up inside for years with my mom.
Truly a beautiful post
@Pia, you sound like some sick liberal that wants to control other people with your condescending judgement. Until you have walked in someone else shoes then you should keep comments like yours to yourself. You dont know the back story here and for all we know this Mom could have been pimping her daughter out ( just making up the worst case scenerio) If you in any way charge people for your proffessional opinon, then you are in the wrong profession, and you are the one that needs help…..
Not everyone has to get along in life, and even if its your mother you can still live your life without having a relationship with your mother, and should never blame yourself if your mother is incapable of being a good mother.
@Beth – it was a pre made book – I think I got it in a gift shop, not a book store.
@Look – you are subjecting yourself to the blogs, Jen is not forcing you to read them so shut the fuck up!!
totally sorry for changing the subject but i do not twit so i was wondering if u saw Idol the other day, there is a young singer named siobhan magnus=she looks like a young Alexs, what do u think? u can see her on the web.
the chem. between u and A is perfect, u have so much fun-you crack me up when u make fun of A. Plus i PAID to be a life time member only because of your program.
check out the young Alexis-
Well said Jennifer, I agree!
BTW… “Pia Cucianno Phd. Family Psycology” (way to sign your note of crazy so we all know NOT to refer you to ANYONE) may or may not need to go talk to a colleague about some issues she is having. As a family psychologist you should know that berating someone for how they feel is prob the worst thing you can ever do. There are obviously underlying issues that Alexa’s relationship has, you don’t know her situation and you certainly don’t seem qualified from the way you jumped down her throat to even comment on them. No I am not a professional psychologist but I think common sense tells one that you don’t freak out on someone (when you should know better) just because they have something different to say. I hope Alexa is a peace with her decision because in the end regardless of what decision was made, the most that matters is that it is the right decision for you. Some decide to resolve the issues others choose to walk away, for all we know her issues are just to immense to even resolve at this point. Indira Singh… not a family psychologist or a PhD.
I’m crying right now in my revolting open cubicle in cold corporate land…thinking of my “complicated” relationship with my mom and how the road is just beginning with my daughter. So well put Jennifer. I’m glad you talk about Bunny and your grief on the show.
Thank you, Jennifer! I’m going through that with my mom right now and your words are comforting and beautiful!
and your words to your friend are part of the healing for you along this painful, sorrowful path. I hope she takes your advise and gets it all out. Letting go is so difficult, but letting go with a “clean slate”( as much as possible) is so much better in the years to follow.
Bravo Jen.
Take care.
Lynne, I am an Intern for Dr. Cucianno. I typed the LOVING note that Pia dictated, I spelled PSYCHOLOGY wrong. I was in a hurry and didn’t double check my grammer wasn’t proper either.
She watches the show and listens to the radio show. Thinks Alexis and Jen are great. Of course she reads the blogs. So do I. Pia felt so sorry for Alexa she quickly dictated a note for me to send. She rarely would do such, but as I said felt for Alexa.
Sounds to me you need a kind word from someone too.
When I read the negativity and inability to comprehend the meaning of a remark of a very estute contribution of a blogger; some of these bloggers who respond, I cannot help but wonder how LOW the I.Q. of these nuts must be. Good God, they are simply ignoramuses. Oh brother, my poor grandchildren what kind of a world will they live in. Makes me so sick.
i’m so relieved you had time with your mom at the end. (think of the people who didnt! 🙁 ) i spent a lot of time with my mom during the last year of her life. it sucks that she’s gone but i’m happy we made peace (typical mom/daughter stuff as you wrote) and were able to see each other as adults and not only “mom” and “daughter”.
Well you are one deep and sensitive lady jenifer..
my sympathy though is for my UNCLE MILTY who is in the
hospital waiting to die..
he is elderly but has cancer..
my Aunt could not care for him at home of course she too is elderly…
so we all face this DEATH thing .
One Day.
One Way.
We all do it 🙁
It is good to wish for dying in our sleep no pain if only we could do that…
My sister-in-law has a friend whose 28 yr old daughter died a few days ago..
they are quiet about how so I do not know that part…
dying to some is embarrasing for different reasons…
but…
every living thing has to die sometime…
those of us still living have to move on like it or not..we have to be strong
or we too may as well be dead..if we waste our lives that way..
in your case being so sensitive perhaps going and visiting people who are dying and giving them hope or something?
Go sing for them at an old folks home?
you sing very nicely that m,ay the gift you can share with lonely people in hospitals?
Old folks homes?
Children in hospital?
it will make you feel happy too..
Last time I checked calling someone “pure acid” isn’t loving.
Thank you for your wisdom. You made me cry.
I don’t know you … I never knew your mom, but your post made me cry. I love it that you see the gift and then the loss. I know this time in my life is inevitable and will keep this in mind. Thank you.
Jen, you said it right. GET IT OUT. You won’t regret saying anything. The worst thing about someone dying is not telling them what you really wanted to say. Hope this helps.
ahh for fucks sake, if she”s dying, just let her die with some dignity and let her die thinking everything is fine. That’s cruel to put a dying woman thru the Spanish Inquisition for some juvenile airing of grievances and transgressions with an adult who just needs to grow up and be responsible for her own happiness.
I am sure we should listen to you………………………………………..Slappinbitch(es). Bet your mother named you.
Lynne what grade are you in? The doctors note was point ON! She did not call the poor girl acid or don’t you get it. The doctor told her in a NUTSCHELL she is full of anger and hatred. With her mother dying this will not solve the awful pain Alexa is in! In fact it will make things worse for her. Even if Alexa knocked her mothers teeth out on her death bed! The damage is deep and done to Alexa!! Several other chunks of good infor was given also so, Get with the PROGRAM LYNNE. Hep up.
That note would have cost about 4 months of therapy and about $3200.00 in FEES LYNNE!!!!!!.
RIGHT ON DOC, GOOD INFO FOR A LARGE GROUP OF US INCLUDING LYNNE, THANK YOU!
Prior to my mother dying of lung cancer(which was a month ago) I went to see a therapist who asked me point blank “How do you want the last few months of your mother’s life to be?” and “Did I really feel that this was the time to bring up all the “wrongs done to me”?
This was exactly what I needed to hear. Instead of the anger coming out, we laughed and joked and had heartfell talks. I re-wrote all the notes she wrote to my sisters and my dad (which were almost incomprehensible due to the mets in her brain). Now I know that this was the right thing to do but I still wish I knew a little more about my childhood years depressions, etc. But what was more important was to let her be in peace at that time and I feel good about that.
@Ellie, Never said you should listen to me, just stating out of my own opinion what I was feeling about the negativity of that comment, I could be wrong, I could be right who knows… It was just jarring to see that a licensed psychologist would say something like that to someone else. Psychology books and assessments aside, what happened to treat those as you would want someone to treat you? Saying something like “you are pure acid” i am sure is not a technical term that she uses in her sessions with patients. Like I said we dont know the whole story of what happened so who are we to judge that relationship? And yes my mom did name me as a matter of fact.
OMG! My heart just fell into my stomach. Your words are heart wrenching, honest — painfully so. It takes me back to a few days before Bunny passed away. I remember you urging us to send cards to cheer up Bunny. I FELT things were fine and BAM. It took a few weeks to realize you were in denial. I believe you believed, if we surrounded Bunny with as MUCH love as we could, she would be fine. Jen, you rallied for you Mom — you did ALL the right things. I see SO much of your Mom, in my Mom and so much of me in you. I understand. Again, I’m in awe of how MUCH you love. How much you want to make the pain go away. I also see Pollyanna. If you don’t have a bit of Pollyanna in your heart, you’ll be doomed. Anyone who is loved by you, is blessed.
You have zero clue in fact you kinda remind me of my toxic mother my mother is not mentally Ill she’s hateful if she was I wouldn’t be so done she never wanted girls her words she has no relationship with her own sisters and never had any women friends and she doesn’t believe in God so the only relief is for those of us who has had to endure her toxic hatred stick to what you know which by your response is nothing and thanks to my toxic hateful mother I will be a great mom
JRT thank you so much for your kind words your a sweetheart And for the record my sister and I have been in therapy a REAL therapist
@Oscar, You have no idea who I am. What I do know is that when someone is in as much pain as Alexa is shoving opinions, professional or otherwise is not the first step. Supporting her, and letting her know she is not alone in her fears, and anguish is. Then slowly you let her know how harmful her thinking may be. Maybe $3,200.00 is worth the peace of mind she will have. That was my point.
Ah, JRT LIBERALS ARE ALL THE RAGE GEEK. SO GLAD TO SEE THE DOCS BEAUTIFUL NOTE HAS GOT YOU (AS GRANNY FROM DOBBS FERRY, N.Y. SAID) LOW I.Q.’S OUT THERE DECLARING WHAT LOW I.Q’S YOU REALLY HAVE. ESPECIALLY YOU JRT. YOU REALLY NEED TO GET A LIFE! IF YOU HAVE BEEN IN THERAPY YOU WOULD APPRECIATE THE EMPATHY THIS WOMAN HAD FOR ALEXA (if alexa is real, after her rebut nix it); AND DON’T SAY I’VE BEEN IN THERAPY BLA, BLA!! AS OSCAR PUT IT FROM VERMONT, SPOT ON DOC.!!!!!!
P.S. LYNNE GIVE IT UP DUDE YOU SOUND LIKE A DOPE.
as you can see, therapy can mess you up even more depeding on who you trust with your guts hanging out. I personally tried therapy a few times and hated it every time. Always felt forced and just uncomfortable. I think you sound like you know what you need to do. Your own gut works well most of the time. Distance can be a great thing, and time heals ALL wounds. Just trust in God and all will be well for you and your family.
@Haily, I get that Pia felt bad for Alexa, but too much opinon on such a delicate matter is never good. So tell Pia that this format should never be used to send messages from those that call themselves doctors. I dont know why it is that humans consider doctors next to God , but they do- unfortunately……@Alexa, brave of you to spill your guts here , and Im sure you are stronger than most for getting through you experiences.
YES YES YES and if she can tape a conversation with her she shoud do that also…..I would chop off my right arm to have some conversation taped with my Mom…Almost 3 years and still aching and missing her terribly….Peace Jennifer….
Nice post.
jenifer,
You are not asked to forget your MOM..
as if the death roles were resversed she surely would grieve losing you.
The thing is though…
people die everyday..sure it is unfair..
you feel that if you for one moment try to be happy she will feel hurt?
Not so dear girl….
try to live for her …
she is gone but not forgotten.
You see her now in your dreams..and she is there alive as if she still could hold you she is always there…
It not only kills Parents..
it kills all people
even animals…
so…
will it ever go away?
I doubt it…
so those of us who do not get it or have it..
consider ourselves very fortunate..I was going to say LUCKY?
It is not luck but possibly FATE?
Keep your mo jo going lady.
Thank you, Jennifer. You really gave me some insight that I really needed.
I used to feel guilty for referring to my mom’s illness as: lucky for our family. It was an awful time for all of us, but you are right, to have the time is a gift. We did get to talk, to say the things that we “think” we have all the time in the world to say, to cry, to question and yes, to laugh. I think that by the time my mom died, the healing had already begun.
YAWN
Your Mom must be beaming and shining as bright as her epergnes.
You amaze me
Sorry Jen, gonna have to just follow you on Facebook. You should get your own blog so we don’t have to deal with all the negative, ridiculus bullshit on the left of yours.
You’ve come a long way, Jen.
Must feel good.
Had to read it one more time, Jenn. You’re right about all of it. Thanks again. xo, P
My husband just flew to Florida to “make it” in time to say goodbye to his terminally ill father. He is relatively young, 76 but cancer has gotten to his lungs and had suddenly taken a big turn for the worse. His four siblings and mom are sitting/sleeping by their father’s bedside, watching the struggle of a dad not wanting to let go of his life. I am not with him, due to hospitalization this week for pneumonia complicated by asthma. I feel terrible my son and I are not there to support him, he calls when he can to update us and for us to hold the phone up to his dad’s ear for heartfelt messages from us.
Yesterday was the 18th anniversary of MY father’s death. My mom used to say my dad was fortunate to die quickly…he got up in the middle of the night with integestion and my mom found him dead on their kitchen table a few hours later of a massive heart attack.
She however was the “sick” one at 62. She had lung cancer beginning at age 48 and struggled for 14 LONG years and many many complications……he shockingly died BEFORE she did…by 1 year.
My heart and mind are all over the place right now.
I got to talk about everything with my mom, as I was her primary care giver…..but I didn’t get to tell my dad the things I wanted to.
I am so glad my husband ( and his siblings) got that chance, because to live with all that “stuff” is sad on so many levels.
Life is fragile…say what you can when you need ( or feel you want to). Don’t wait for anything…..life is tricky.
i kissed a girl
Holy crap how boring!
HI Jennifer, I gotta say I LOVE YOU a lot! so much! you guys are so much fun… I think you are so right in MOST cases.. HOWEVER, lets say its been a particlar rough relationship, with lots of fights, arguments and nothing but trouble, the person dying and the surviver ALREADY knows all those things already. Perhaps the best gift one could give it just to be there, hold their hand, read them magazine articles, talk about the weather, anything and everything that is peaceful and NOT about the PAST. Whatcha think?
My step-father passed away yesterday after an abrupt diagnosis and a short struggle with pancreatic cancer. I knew him as little girl and then again for about the last 2 yrs. There was a familial seperation, not by my choice. Although, I didn’t know him well, there are pics of me with him as a toddler beeming with joy and then a few since 2008. I am so happy to have been able to spend some time with him and that I got the opportunity to tell him I love him and greatful to have known him.
Rest in peace DK.
Bye March!
Hello April Fools!
Still yawning. Oops I fell asleep.
Time to change the BLOG to APRIL girls…
my feeling is that you can still talk to those that die and move on. its not the typical way to communicate by they will hear you and you too will somehow here them. hopefully we will all learn to appreciate those that are with us a little bit more when we loose someone that we love.
I’m wiping away the tears. Your expression of love is so beautiful and true.
Thank you.
Wonderful post! Such an inspiration on us all! Thank you Jennifer for enlightening us.
Beautifully stated. Candor beyond measure. Now you know why people who have not gone throught he ups and downs of reality irk you. They just don’t get it! I have confronted both of my parents after a lifetime of being a slave to their approval. “I’m sorry” really helps because their realization is your vindication. Then we can move on…lovingly instead of second guessing…