i was walking the other day with my husband…and it was a beautiful day. perfect weather. i wasn’t pms, but i had this unshakeable gloomy feeling… and i thought and i thought what could it be and then i realized…
july 8th marks the 3rd anniversary of my mother’s death.
and if she were here today…she would be 68 years old.
i don’t dwell on it all the time. not even kind of. i mean, yeah, she’s always with me, and i have my moments of wondering what it’d be like if she hadn’t died, and i miss her. a lot. but i am ok.
it’s just that the sweet/salty smell of summer brings memories of a hospital. and the last three days of my mother’s life at home. it doesn’t make me think of the beach and a carefree time. it fills me instead with heaviness and exhaustion. it reminds me of holding my mother’s hand while she took her last breath. it reminds me of my sister and i laughing through giant tears while we let our mother go…together.
it reminds me of chocolate covered pretzels that became my refuge. and egg sandwiches with cheese and turkey on kaiser rolls that were my sustenance. it reminds me of no-name hospital marble twisted donuts with a thick sugar coating so sweet it was almost nauseating.
and i wondered how i got so extra fat while my mother was dying…
the surreal nature of a sick parent… of a dead parent… still doesn’t escape me. even though it isn’t surreal at all anymore. it is still off and odd and weird and wrong. but it is real. and things like my dad remarrying soon. that’s real too.
and how it has propelled me to a totally different place now–one where i am arguably thriving–is maddening, fascinating and sad..all at the same time.
maddening because my mother isn’t here to see me now. this way. not fat. and a whole lot stronger.
fascinating because i know i wouldn’t be the way i am now if she hadn’t gotten sick and left me to figure out how to live without her.
sad because i miss her so much.
my sister has been telling me lately that i look like my mom. and that i’m just like my mom. my mom was thin from 40ish on.. and she had a perpetually jiggly long ass (thanks mom!) and thin arms (thanks mom!) and not so lovely thighs (thanks mom!) and a huge personality (thanks mom!) and a whole lot of crazy (THANKS MOM!) and my mom had a warmth that was infectious. and a devotion to us that was ever clear.
i’m embarking on a new chapter in my life… new website, new-ish radio show, book coming out, opportunities to chase and explore, risks to take, some rewards hopefully too.
living life in my not so fat body.
all exciting. all nerve wracking…
and i wouldn’t change any of it.
we don’t get to pick the defining moments in our lives. they just happen. july 8th 2008. defining moment.
I’m so glad you posted this today. My mom has had a bunch of health issues recently plus a biopsy we’re awaiting results on. I always tell myself that I can’t handle her suffering or losing her–that, even though I have a child and my own family, I don’t know how I’d be able to move forward in life without her being alive. It’s helpful to know that you went through all of that and, not only did you survive it, you’re actually doing really well. I offer condolences for the anniversary of your loss plus congratulations on all your personal growth and success.
darcie, it has been so hard. but don’t even think anything negative at this point. stay positive… no reason not to at this point. and you can handle whatever you are handed… xo.
Jen..
I was excited to see your website and I just about cried when I read your opening article. My Mom died 5 years ago and my Father almost 3…I can relate to ALL of the above…being in the hospital …just myself and my sister there holding her hand…promising her we will be good parents to our children and good people and take care of each other and my Father as she slipped away from us… I attribute the death of my parents to my transformation…it taught me seize the day…a new life, a new home, a new and upcoming marriage…I miss my parents and wish they could have been there to see all of this happen to me…the caterpillar turning to a butterfly–but I know somehow, somewhere they are watching…
I wish you all the luck…I think you are fab….
hey stacey, i am sorry you’ve gone through such hell… your attitude is amazing. and mazeltov ahead of time on the upcoming marriage!!!! so exciting. and ofcourse somewhere they are watching. gotta think so right?!
What’s with the akward face in that pic? You look like your a trying too hard. Relax and be yourself already!
thanks for the advice!
Hey Jen,
It’s been so many years since I have actually spoken to you, but I must say you really are a superstar!!!! But that you have always known. I related to this article on so many levels, it’s been 7 years since my dad passed. It seems hard to believe, I don’t talk about it much either. But surreal real does define it, we both have such great memories to cherish forever! I just wish we had more.. Anyway on the days you feel off just think of her smile, being off reinforces how special your mom was and will always be!!!! Send u lots of love and a hug. Dana Brody
so sorry about your dad dana…ugh. hope you and your brother are doing ok. xo to you both!
Isn’t it amazing how powerful your mom was and is in your life? I have just never thought about the power of a mother. Mine was and is always there for me – a powerful influence…and I never thought about not having a mom…until I became a foster mom to a 9 yr old little girl.
Your post today makes think of her. This beautiful young girl had no chance to have any relationship with her mother….and boy, does it show. She is so lost, so behind, so struggling to understand herself in this world. We’ve been trying – for over a year now – to build basic trustful connected relationship…who knew that could be so hard?
You were very lucky Jennifer. A little weight gain, or a lot…after losing her…be glad for it! Some may never feel that pain…and here we are – basking in joyful lives thanks to our wonderful mothers.
Omg.. First I laughed at seeing you in those ridiculous boots on the front picture and then I cried after reading your thoughts.. I lost my mother in 1995 5 days shy of her 55th bday. Gained the weight after she died and keep fighting to go back to where I was.. You did it much quicker congrats.. I so relate with everything you said.. It’s like living 2 lives before and after I call them motherless milestones.. sad but that’s what they are.. I hope you like your dad’s wife. My dad dated A LOT but waited 6 years before he remarried a really lovely woman which made it a lot easier. I know Stacey from College and you are so much like her. Keep up all the great things you are doing and have fun.. Wishing you all the success from here to where your mom is..
susan, you will find your way! be kind to yourself please. sucks your mom was so young. and yes, they are motherless milestones. strange huh?!
you’re lovely and i so appreciate the kind wishes. and i LOVE my boots…haha. they are my favorite shoes.
HI Jennifer,
I love the website, it looks great. I can totally relate to your blog. I lost my mother 21 years ago to lymphatic cancer. I was 20 and had a 12 year old sister. Our father had passed away 7 years earlier. I can tell you that you will never forget those last days, but they do get much easier and less depressing in time. My mother as I am sure your mother is the same, would rather us remember all the fun, happy times instead of those last moments. When I look at my children now, I just hope that they will have tons of fun, happy memories of the times we have had together. Of course, I plan on being around for a very long time, but you just never know. Keep up and good work and I am sure your mother is watching from above, with a smile. Take care, Linda
thank you linda. sorry you had to go through losing your mom and your dad so young. just not right! but look, you’ve grown up and have children and have such a great attitude!!! yay! your kids must adore you… and you WILL be around!!!!
You really are so talented and funny. You could have so many careers. I’m so torn between you and Jen Lancaster trying to decide who has the most amazing blog! Thanks for the great stories. I miss Whatever, but you definitely were the funny one!
love jen lancaster!! she’s hilarious. glad you like the blog. im still on the radio every day… so tune in!!! xo.
Here’s to new beginnings. 🙂 Thanks for allowing us to play a very tiny part in what is sure to be a terrific thing for you.
Cheering you on from our little corner of Texas!
you are a super star karen!!! thanks for so much help. you did a tremendous job. site looks great.
So sorry that you have to deal with the 3 year mark for your Mom. I don’t call it an Anniversary. Those are supposed to be for happy occasions. July 12th will be two years for my Dad’s passing. I understand the ups and downs. You can be just perfectly fine…and then crap something triggers you off and your’e not fine for a while. My Dad was coming home the day he passed away in the hospital. I was there and it still sits heavy sometimes. Hell, when he passed away the damn hospital put the wrong band on his wrist. He was being treated as somebody else while in Hospice for the 17 hours he was in there. Anyhow…Hang in there. Love ya 🙂
sorry janet. yuck. not easy. as you know! you’re so normal with the ups and downs. know exactly what that is like. in my old blog posts (going back to july 2008…) i talked about ups and downs of grieving. sucks! xo.
My dad died alonst 10 years ago and I still miss him so. Had breast cancer myself 4 years ago at the age of 36 with a 6 year old boy and 2 1/2 year old girl at the time. I need to lose wieght…I need to get in shape. I haven’t reached that moment that propels me into health, although by all the doctors tests I am cancer free and healthy. I want to for my children, husband and especially me. Just not sure what I am waiting for. You inspire me to try, keep up the good work!
you can do it kristine! a day at a time… and im so happy you are cancer free!!! yay!!!!
Jen..Stacy is right—I was listening to you yesterday and got chills because you sounded so much like your mom. It’s like she lives on in you! Maddie loves hearing Bunny stories whenever we drive and listen to your show. So proud of you! Good luck with all of your new endeavors!
hi marlene. love to all of you… thank you..and XO.
Jennifer – That was truly inspiring & a real tribute to your Mom !!! My Dad passed away 12 years ago & I still struggle to find my way out of the darkness … I’m going to hold on to this & read it for inspiration. Thanks so much for sharing, God Bless. Sincerely, donna perry
im so sorry donna! you will find your way!!! xo.
Totally get everything you say. My father died in July when I was only 23, and he was only 65,,.he walked on water in my eyes…Father’s Day is sad, Memorial Day is sad (he served in the AF for 32 years), my husband’s birthday is sad (July 26…). I got heavy after he was gone too and I’m now fighting back with his strong will. It’s like we’re all in the club, the club of children who’ve lost their parents. We make the best of life, but we’re forever changed…..We try not to feel melancholy, remembering that our parents wouldn’t want us to be sad…hugs to you and your sister and smile for the wonderful memories of your Mom:)
Glad to see your website up & working. Wasn’t sure if I would but I like the new Whatever! Actually, I like it best when it’s just you-no guests, there’s a better flow.
Jennifer,
Did your mom have cancer earlier in her life before she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer?
she did not have cancer before…
Recognizing that you are a woman of high fashion in wearing them, I feel like I need the big Jackie O glasses to be out again. I also feel like the current trend of rising pants AKA floods is a troubling fashion movement.
Other things that can’t be gone fast enough: ballet flats and UGGs.
And all this is from a straight fan.
haha!!! i will respond more in a bit…
i love my glasses! they will help (i hope) me stave off needing to get my eyes done just a little longer…haha.
Hi Jen, I love your new website. I am happy for all the new things going on in your life. I totally understand about your Mom, she is always with you but I understand the feeling of what if she was still alive today. My Mom passed 20 years ago, can’t believe it has been that long, she was 51 at the time. I miss having a Mom in my life and no other woman in my life can be a substitute Mom. I wish she were alive today, sometimes you just need a Mom to talk to. I am sure you get that. By the way, you look great with the all the weight loss, keep it up. Hugs.
im so sorry about your mother… too too too young.
thanks for the kind words.
So crazy how a bad thing can lead you to a good thing.
The pain either kills you or makes you grow; you can’t stay neutral.
I know your Mom is proud of you!
She was there for your wedding & kids, wasn’t she?
That’s what burdens me the most, the thought that my parents may pass still believing I’m a loser. (I know I’m not, but they need to see PROOF)
Ohh Jennifer. You write so beautifully! You have so much to say, that’s wonderful. I was blown away by the remark about your dad. i have wondered about him & how he was doing for a long time. I’ve often thought of calling in & asking you how he was doing but never did. Apparently he is doing well. I hope all the changes in that arena are an easy peasy transition for you & your family. Take Care, KK.