i think part of why i am always with candy- meaning i have candy at home and carry candy in my bag AND keep candy in a cupboard at work is because being around candy gives me comfort. whether i am looking at it, touching it, smelling it or eating it, candy soothes me. (and of course i share my candy!!)
i know it isnt wise to eat too much, nor to really USE candy like an alcoholic uses alcohol, but candy always makes me smile. even if just for a moment. even if that moment is 5 minutes in the mighty mart attached to the gas station- because i’ve had some feelings emerge while pumping gas! i deal with the feelings. of course. but dealing while looking at brand new chocolate bars somehow makes me feel less agitated.
and knowing candy is there in case i need it makes me feel better, like knowing i’ve got 3 xanax pills in my bag that i may never even take.
i am NOT an easy person. ask my friends. ask my husband. ask my kids. ask the rest of my family. i’ve got more emotions than i know how to handle, an obsessive somewhat compulsive need to communicate (have you seen the justjenny chats that go on at night!) i have a high level of anxiety, i’m insecure requiring a constant need for approval and acceptance. AND i am hyper sensitive.
even writing about myself makes me think yeesh- why do they put up with me!
i think because my heart is (usually) in the right place.
i want everyone around me feeling good. and safe.
and healthy and satisfied.
and i am quite good at acknowledging when ive screwed up (maybe because i’ve had so much practice!)
and i can laugh at what a high functioning mess i am.
so what’s the big deal if staring at a hershey’s aero bar gives me comfort! or if eating 10 starbursts (200 cal) ends up being my lunch.
ive no idea how others have been dealing with their 40s. i think i’ve been going through a (long) midlife crisis. and i wonder when it’ll pass and i’ll be back to being somewhat ok with my everyday existence. right now the itch i have (insert joke here) to figure out and do “i’m not sure what” is just so great.
and i know i can’t be the only happily married woman with incredible kids and a fulfilling career who feels this way.
i wish more women our age would talk about their itches, their dissatisfactions and their fears. maybe then i wouldn’t need the candy as much because i’d have the commiseration.
but until then…
i don’t have a sports car. brand new boobs or a boyfriend (ha!) but i do have my candy.
xo
jenny
ps: please leave comments, questions, and requests for tales from the treadmill… i will be back on the treadmill tomorrow!
Hi Jenny,
I am not married but am in my late 30’s it’s weird I feel like I’m in a mid life crisis too..had anxiety, stress, I too feel the occasional sweet is exciting and needed..though I try to avoid the real sugar and go for a mango..I luv them and like to eat a whole one..such a treat!! I think we do need to find other things besides food to give us joy and true satisfaction but it’s hard..growing around food being Jewish and Italian I was surrounded by it…now it’s about health and choices and to only allow those special treats on occasion..stop buying it then it won’t be accessible!! Keep inspiring and sharing!!
Luv u
Jess
I wonder about the term mid life crisis. Do we talk about being in an adolescent life crisis when we’re teenagers? Nope. It’s understood and expected that it is often a time that creates havoc but we don’t refer to it as a crisis even though it can generate crisis-like events for parents and teenagers alike. I like to think of being 40-something as a point where you evaluate the status quo – are you happy? what needs to change in your life? what can you eliminate and what can you draw to you? It can be a time of introspection often motivated by an event – divorce, death of a parent, problems with kids, career issues etc – and it can be very hard to find peace throughout the search for answers to the questions that come up. But that is part of becoming. Jenny Hutt, when you lost your mom, it changed your perspective as you witnessed one of the most profoundly changing events in life. I can hear it in your voice and in your interaction with callers when they have issues they are struggling with – you are fantastic with them (and have always been incredibly intuitive and caring). Midlife is the process of becoming and as one gains perspective and distance, a fuller appreciation of how fantastic it is becomes clearer. The outcome is worth celebrating even if the process is a challenge. K, that’s all! 🙂 Love ya!
you’re a smarty pants! thanks you..
I am a candy coveting kinda gal too….I can buy a bag of fun size and have them on hand for weeks without scarfing them down but it’s comforting to know they’re there.
I listen to your show and find myself talking at the radio…. in a high pitched southern/british accent.. i’m yelling stuff like “me tooooo” and “girl I think that all the tiiimmeee”. I am holding back from calling in because I’ll embarrass myself by saying something ridiculous. So anyway… love the show and the blog…. and enjoy the candy!!!!!!
Ali…xxx
call in!!!!! xo.
I had to laugh as I read your post. I too am not any easy person and know it!!!! I suffer from anxiety and the “whole bit”. It comes and goes for me but sometimes it is overwhelming. My husband understands and is very patient- thank GOD. I admire your honesty and bravery and your willingness to share. I have always believed that people can only heal if we talk and share. I know some feel shame for their anxiety but I try and be open with friends and family. We must remove the stigma attached to an anxiety disorder.
I have been reading the Happiness Project (Gretchen Rubin) and The Art of Happiness (Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler, M.D.) I am in my mid 40’s and am looking for the anwers to life’s big question: What’s it all about? I am not sure that the answer can be found in a book but maybe it will start the process to finding the answers. I think the first step is just asking the questions.
you are in such a good place!
I can so relate on that whole insecurity thing. I am 45 years old and I still feel the need to be liked by everyone. I guess that is why the gym has become such an obsession. I fit in there and at least everyone pretends to like me. Keep blogging Jenny!
they do like you! so do i! xo
Am I reading about my own life? I am 40, married 22 years (yes I am absolutely crazy for marrying so young) two wonderful kids…just promoted at work, yet feel lost….dissatisfied….thinking that I am half way through this crazy life and am I really turning out to be the person I know I can be? I have no idea. Once again I thank you for sharing so much of yourself. I too hope to one day be “ok” with my crazy existence. There has to a reason for the soul searching…just waiting to find out where it will lead. Until then, one crazy emotional day at a time. 🙂
Oh no!!! So that feeling never goes away? I always feel gross, and ugly, and that ugly friend that every group of friends has. I always feel the need to talk to people, I am pretty sure I have anxiety when it comes to things I like, for some reason my adrenaline starts pumping so much because I am excited that I feel nervous and feel the need to throw up. It’s actually very annoying. And I always want people to like me so I normally lower myself to please them. It’s annoying and I don’t know how to change it. I am always depressed and sometimes just want to go to sleep and never wake up because I feel so ugly or gross looking. And people say just start telling yourself that you are pretty because you are but its the same thing if I said the sky is green for years but I would never believe it because it is just not true. I really hope this doesn’t last my entire life… because who want’s to be with somebody like this?
it doesnt have to go away. you manage feelings better as you age. and learn to laugh at them. you will be ok. and you will start to believe the nice things when you remove yourself from people who are usually not nice. takes time. and life experience. ALWAYS hope to wake up. LIFE is awesome whether it is a good or bad day/week/month whatever…
you’re not annoying. you’re figuring things out. and you will be better than ok.