my being a “work out of the house” mom is a gift to my kids.
although they may wish i were home more, i know that the reality of my being in the house on a constant basis would provide for a beyond “helicopter type” parenting environment.
it would be more like the “blanket type” parenting style because i’d be blanketing them CONSTANTLY with my fears and my worry about their well being.
i really like this blogger who calls herself “selfish mom”. she’s smart, funny, and honest about her life with two kids and “the ass” (her husband).
but a recent one of her posts about her 10 year old son’s chore of walking his younger sister home from school (without adult supervision) made me question her parenting style…and mine.
first thought: FREAK! omg what is wrong with this mother?!?! how could she allow (DEMAND!) her 10 year old son to walk ALONE with her 7 year old daughter on city streets. did she not hear about the young boy from crown heights who was MURDERED while walking home alone from school?! is she really so lazy that she can’t get off her ass (not referencing her husband!) and go fetch her children (i know i am being harsh. i don’t REALLY think she’s lazy).
second thought: ENVY. im envious that she doesn’t fear the atrocities (im referring to the ones that DON’T usually happen) like i do.
i’m envious that she can let her kids BREATHE without needing to see that breath.
sometimes i fear my over protective nature is going to stifle my kids.
and then i realize that my level of protection is a fruitless endeavor anyhow… because i can’t protect them from everything no matter how hard i try.
they will experience sadness. and frustration. and disappointment. and intense joy. and boredom.
i can’t protect them from living.
and in the moment that i accept this, i realize maybe i can let them “walk” alone…or at least let them THINK they are walking alone.
can that be enough for now?!
xo
jenny
ps: i am chock full of self loathing because i judged another mother. so uncool of me.
What I want to ask is what is Keith’s style, because you need yin and yang with these kinds of things….I grew up under little supervision in Chicago…parents thought nothing of my taking the CTA to the mall at 11 years old…husband on the other hand couldn’t play football or any other sport because dad was too afraid he would get hurt. I feel like we get a good mix. Sometimes he reels me in and sometimes I get him to let the proverbial umbilical cord loose a bit. Having two parents who have either the same “fear” or “no fear at all” may cause the child to have trouble taking risks, or they may take too many risks. Either way you are a great Mom….why? Because you are always looking inside of yourself to improve. For yourself, and for them. Just my two cents… 🙂
he’s way more relaxed than i am! thnk gd. there is hope for the kids! haha.
Jenny, Don’t stress: https://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-every-style-of-parenting-produces-dist,26452/?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=pulsenews
Turns out we’re going to mess up our kids no matter what we do. BIg 😉
I like your thoughtfulness!
P.S. I am a mostly work-from-home mom too, with a sort of “high powered” job. My twin seven-year-olds still don’t quite get it. 😉
i loved that onion bit… it was a joke but really it is true. no parent can win! twins…oh my!
I read your post Jennifer and I like you struggle with finding a balance of being a ‘normal’ as opposed to overprotective mother. I think I am a fair parent in all areas and my son who is 11 is confident and happy kid (well I hope!!). He plays sports, we socialise with lots of friends, he has friends over and he spends time at friends homes and we have a loving supportive family. I don’t want him to miss out on any aspect of being a kid sleepovers, camping, swimming, bikeriding, skateboards etc…are a part of his life just like they were mine. My greatest struggle is with letting him travel to school on public transport. He changed school this year and it would involve him getting a train and bus to and from school. I am not ready for that. There are other kids from his school that travel this way and I too am somewhat envious of their parents ability to cut the umbilical cord – as my husband refers to it. Instead I choose to drive him – his school is close by my work (sounds planned but purely luck) but even so I would still take this option for the timebeing. On the days that i don’t work my husband drives him. At the beginning of the year we discussed the public transport option and my husband was eager to let him go but I really didn’t feel it. It was a different time when we were 11 – I know things happened then but they happen more so now. Eventually he will go via public transport as I know kids gain a lot of street wise confidence. So give me a couple more years and then I will revisit. My hubby is more relaxed – and trust me when I have read your past posts about your kids in the ocean I hear you. We live in Australia and spend days and weeks by the beach and there is nothing you want more than your child to be confident in the ocean – then when they are it is time for mothers to fall apart!! Lol……For the timebeing I like being chauffeur….it isn’t worth the angst for me atm. x Fingers crossed it is all ok 🙂
I have to jump in here because what you are saying is factually wrong. We’re all entitled to our opinions, but this myth that more bad stuff happens now is at the center of the problem. They simply do not happen more so now. It only seems like it because the news channels and the internet stir people into mass hysteria whenever something does happen. I will not argue with what another parent chooses for her child in these comments but I can’t stay quiet about facts that are wrong.
agreed selfish mom!!! xo.
I’m sure your doing a great job parenting your kids because your so amazing at everything! I think spending time with them is important. I get upset when I see kids that never spend time with their parents. My mom opened a buisness in June, and before that she stayed home. I really miss her! She leaves at 7am and doesn’t get home till 6pm or later. Im glad she has work, and I’m glad she likes it, but we really miss her. (by we i mean my brother and me he is 11) it’s also hard cause I’m the one that has to get us to school and make most of our meals. Hmmmm… I’m really sad she is gone so much but I will be fine. I guess I just had to vent.
It isn’t easy for you and I’m sure it isn’t easy for your mom. We all want to do the best by our kids!!! And look how terrifically independent you are! That’s great!
I’m off to tuck in my kids. Goodnight Maggie! Xo
Where’s your father? Either he’s absent altogether or he has a job too but you don’t expect him to be at home or make your meals or get you to school.
It’s not your or your mother’s fate or obligation to be at home with children so that their father and the boy children will be free to pursue their dreams.
I don’t even want to get into fathers
Good night Jenny!!! 🙂 xo.
Being the daughter of a Holocaust survivor, I could never overcome my constant fears about all the horrible things that could happen to my children. Talk about over protective! So I definitely can relate to the struggle between keeping your children safe but also letting them grow into confident independent adults…so hard to do, especially in the world we live in now…but it sounds like you have found a good balance; keeping your children safe but giving them a break from “the blanket” of worry. BTWl, my children are now 30 and 32, doing well, but you know what – I still worry about them!
I’m not a mother mommy Hutt, but I can tell you I wished that I had parents that cared about me the way you do about your kids when I was growing up!
I think all you can do is do whatever YOU are comfortable with and what you think is right. Everyone has their own styles of parenting, but at the end of the day, what the neighbors, and fans, or family, and everyone else says doesn’t really matter. You know your kids best and every decision you make to protect and care for them is likely the best decision YOU are able to make for them whether or not anyone recognizes that.
You’re always doing your best in the very moment that you make those decisions, and that’s nothing to beat yourself up over! Insane tragedies aside, the little things you can’t protect your children from, the experiences they have, those are the things in life that will help shape them in life and a big part of what will make them who they are. And that’s not always such a bad thing. All you can do is guide them to be the best kids they can be, so that they make the best choices if or when a hard times strike or questionable things arise.
Life is unpredictable and scary, but I think the best you can ever really do is just to love the sh•t out of your kids— I have no doubt that you are doing just that!
Jennifer! Don’t even try to pull the hard working mom bit unless you’re working for minimum wage at a WalMart!!!!
You have a cushy life and a high paying dream job set up for you by you’re dad and YOU KNOW IT!!!!
YOU ARE FOS!!
so the only kind of working mom that has any struggle is the one working for minimum wage?! really? respectfully i disagree. re your assertion of my cushy life- you don’t know my whole life- just what i share. and one thing i have shared is that alexis asked me to do the radio show with her over 6 years ago… my dad did not set it up. would he help me any way he could?! sure. he’s my dad. id help my children too… wouldn’t you want to help yours?!
Sorry Jenny, but I’m just not buying it and I’m sure Alexis has since come to REGRET the decision to ask you to join her on the show, especially seeing what an l’enfant terrible you’ve become…
Thankfully, by erasing you from her life, Alexis is having the last laugh…
Hi Alexis
:p
WTF is happening to your face? You look like you have aged 20 years in two months! …scary sh!t
bummer!
I don’t think so! Jenny is the most beautiful person I have ever seen! Not just her looks, (but they are amazing!) but her personality is also beautiful!
That’s all an act…
Whatever! You can think what you want! Truly I don’t care! Really don’t! But I know its not an act! And if you can’t see that, you need some help! Jenny really is a great person. But say what you want. I Still don’t care! Because obviously your wrong!
I was raised by overprotective parents, which I used to hate, but, now that I’ve heard so many childhood stories, I would take that ANYDAY over being raped, knifed, molested, or being responsible as a pre-teen for a younger sibling having a sibling who had this done to them! My mother’s younger sister died of pneumonia when they were 5 and 3 respectively and my mother felt guilty for it her whole life. I think maybe we need to look for middle ground choices rather than only the extremes. How about finding a responsible and smart teen to escort these young kids to school? When I was a minimum wage mom I got together with other moms in same boat and we each covered one day of the week so there was always one mom available to watch/drive/escort or whatever the kids. Let’s get some creative thinking going here instead of whining about our circumstances. There is nothing more important than your kids’ safety. Unless, well, you just really DON’T care. Where there is real love there is ALWAYS a way!
1) Totally depends on the neighborhood and how far from school they live. When I lived in Michigan, I would have let kids do that (if I had any). However, now that I’m in Chicago, there is NO WAY!
2) You’re killin’ me with the lack of Tales from the Treadmill! Miss ya 🙂
Hi my goddess and hero!!!
Just saying there r some of us who wanted parents like u!!!
Never doubt yourself or decisions remember u have a hunky hubby a sister etc who luv those kids almost as much as u!!!
Just remember your mommy gave u such good advice and ur babies r safe as long as she’s watching from heaven.
I luv u Jenny and I’m here for u busy girl prom queen angel crazy girl!!!
XOXO
LISA
To answer your question, no, I don’t think being overprotective is really so bad. Not if you use common sense, as I’m sure you do. I’m glad you posted this, because I struggle with this constantly, and it helps me feel like I’m not alone. I have 2 babies, so I’m probably early on the track to being a helicopter mom. But I’m ok with that. My sister has teenagers and although she has been a great mom, she allowed too much freedom and now one is on a really bad path, in trouble with the police and on his way to prison, or worse. You may joke about protecting your kids from the one in a billion chance of being murdered on the way home from school, but by protecting them so, you are also protecting them from a lot of other more realistic problems by simply being aware of where they are and who they are with, and by being available for them to talk to you.