late friday night i received an email from listener “k” saying she is in love with her best friend.
” I am profoundly in love with my best friend.
She is beautiful, smart, funny, genuine, and accepting. She is
unhappily married and we once had a physical intimate relationship.
While I long for that again, and would give my life for her, I doubt
we can ever have that again.
How can I move on
when I am 100% completely in love with her?”
-K
pit
in
my
belly.
unrequited love is so painful.
regardless of why it is unrequited.
sometimes it is because the person we love so desperately has issues (sexuality, intimacy, self esteem) that preclude himself/herself from being able to love us back.
other times it is because the person we love so desperately WON’T love us back because he/she is committed to another.
sometimes it is because the person we love so desperately actually doesn’t love us back.
sadly, the REASON you won’t be together today can’t matter.
what matters is that you won’t be together.
today.
and how you deal with that realization is what’s most important.
1. please do not make this about you. and how you are unworthy of your best friend’s love and attraction. it is not.
this is about HER. and where she is in her life.
even if unhappily, she is married.
2. get yourself a shrink/counselor/trusted friend/spiritual advisor. you need someone to whom you can vent. ad nauseum. i have always found that ruminating over something with a confidante is unbelievably helpful. can aid in lessening the impact of the situation the more you address it. you will hopefully get past the place of despair and into the place of giddiness over the depth of the despair.
i have found repeatedly that getting to the laughter after the ick is the most helpful and most healing.
3. this huge giant hole in your heart that seems like it’ll never be filled by any one other than the woman you’re in love with..will get smaller. maybe not today. maybe not tomorrow. maybe not even this month. but it will get smaller…IF YOU WANT IT TO.
sometimes it is easy (and oddly comforting) to wallow in our despair. once you move through that phase, the intensity of feeling will diminish.
4. isolate the worst part of the whole thing.
is it the understanding that you won’t be together as a couple that upsets you?
is it the threat of losing her forever that consumes you?
is it the realization that you need to let her go for you to move on that worries you?
5. find the positive in your love for her. there is something beautiful in loving another so deeply that we don’t even stop loving whether that same love is returned. you can keep these feelings in you. and still get on with your life. and find love elsewhere.
6. i fell madly, deeply in love with my husband when i still had strong feelings for someone else.
and suddenly the importance of the what he hadn’t been able to give me didn’t matter as much.
and suddenly his inability to love me back in the way i needed him to didn’t hurt me as much.
and then, his significance in my consciousness diminished.
i still loved him. but i no longer ached for him.
and the love became sweeter and more understandable.
and appropriately part of my past to remember fondly.
had someone told me before i started seeing my husband that my being with him would help heal the wounds from the other i don’t think i wouldve believed it.
but i swear it is true.
you are in love with your best friend.
and you may never have the relationship you want with her.
but you will find love and happiness again. quite possibly while you still want her.
you asked how you move on from the situation.
do you want to?
are you ready to?
do you feel like you need to have a discussion with her about it before you can move on?
there are so many issues for you to deal with. and i believe you can and you will.
but do so without worrying about the outcome (easier said than done).
and know that regardless of the outcome you will be ok (because isn’t that your biggest worry?!)
you will survive. and you will thrive.
xo
jenny
ps: if you havent checked out the media page and audio page on my site please do!
Great advice Jenny. I am dealing with a very similar situation, and you are exactly right with your points. It seems the hardest part is trying to get over the pain one day at a time. In the moment it is the hardest & most painful thing you can experience. Slowly (way too slowly!) that pain seems to fade….
My best friend got married 3 years ago, he invited ne to the wedding. I thought it was closure but he still communicate wit me a lot. He tells me he always love me and he’s sorry he got married. I love him as a friend. How do i explain that to him. I want him to be happy. What should i do?
So well said Jenny. I wish you were my friend in the 80’s and 90’s through my heartbreaks.
well, it is much easier to have clarity 16 years later and not in that kind of pain. always easier to help someone else feel better than ourselves!
Your shift key feels unloved.
because i dont use caps?
Dear Listener K:
Listen to Jen. She has it nailed down.
I lived with a woman for 5 years. She wasn’t the most healthy person you could meet. I went through 5 years of abuse, and I loved her every minute of it. I still do, some 18 years after she left. Do I miss the pain? No, I don’t. Did I finally move on? Yes. I’ve been happily married for the last 11 years, and even through some heartbreak, I welcomed my daughter Lina late last year.
I had always promised myself I would never ever sound like those people I hated to hear when she first left… but it’s true. Time heals all wounds. And while I have scars, both physically and emotionally, I’m in a MUCH better place now than I was then. I can say without hesitation that having the support of loved ones and friends to help ease the transition is a must. I would encourage you, like Jen, to find someone to talk to, to trust and just let it all out. You have to do what’s best for you, even if it’s going to hurt. And it will. But it does get better. I’m living proof.
Wow, I have read many things on this subject but none of them addressed how I was feeling or my situation. This one did… I am deeply in love with my best friend with whom I had a 4+ year affair with. We are still best friends but no longer in an affair. She appears to have moved on and has resolved herself to the life she has with her husband but even after a year I am still stuck on her. I know there is no “us” anymore but it is hard for me to stop loving her.
Ouch!
I too am in this exact situation and I’m not quite sure if the biggest part of the heartache is knowing we’ll probably never be together or never getting the time to tell him what I’m really going thru on the inside..I thought if i agreed to a physical relationship maybe if would help give me some closure by no longer wondering what it felt like to be in his arms and now i long for that feeling non stop& even worse his wife has become my best friend and their kids call me their aunt, and as much as she and the kids mean to me i have to put on a smile& take the backseat while I’m secretly in love with him and longing for his touch and he has no clue i lay in bed at night crying my heart out for him. Times it feels just be easier tell him i can’t stand to be his best friend cause i love him and I’m hurting that much inside that it breaks me down just to see him, but I’ve never had a friend like him and can’t stand the thought of life without him a part of it& it’s been that way since we was 14, so i been trying to keep it in& just let them know I’m here when any of them need me but his wife, my friend, has to know i love him that much I’m willing to bury my pain put on a smile and be there if they ever need me only thing is each time i see him again it’s like i just took another leap forward in love instead of just being able to enjoy the time spent with my best friends, wish i could just have him a copy of this and become Invisible that fast…. i just don’t want my heart to keep breaking when i see him cause it’ll cause me to lose my truest friend I’ve ever had, he’s off with his family as i sit here trying to remember how to breathe as tears roll down my face….
I can relate my best-friend and I have been the very best of friends for 8and a half years he is married she was my friend also but not best- friend, he had been crazy bout me worshipped the ground I walked on that whol.e time and wanted me badly. never gave up, was very determined for 8 and a half years would beg me a lot never did I give in I was married then divorced but remained in love and in relationship with my ex until 7 months ago my best-friend and I were so atractedand wanted each other we were hot that we ended up having the hottest sex ever and I fell in love and we remained having sex for the past 7 months, but now I don’t know whats going on but we rairly see each other and its not cause I don’t want to, if u would like to know more details u can email me cause I feel your pain I cry daily expecally when im around him and his wife and knowing hes with her when he said he would be over here. we only live a block and a half away I can here his vehicle start up tell me how painful that is
Tiff, I was sobbing as I read your comment, I do hope things are better for you now… Everything you said resonated with me so much. Jenny thank you so much for your kind and wise advice. The thing is I don’t know who to talk to about this, my best friend is the one I’d go to but it’s him I’m upset about. If I tell him how I feel in order to let him know I need space to get over him, I can imagine him what he will say: that he never meant to hurt me but it wouldnt work out between us and although he’s not especially happy with his wife, he’s not unhappy enough to leave her. I know it doesnt make any sense to feel this way, he’s 17 years older than me, (married, obviously) and doesnt want kids, but my heart is so much stronger than my head. I need space from him to get over him but I can’t imagine not seeing him and talking to him. Ive never had a friend I feel so happy and comfortable with. I know he cares about me, he’s said that I’m his favourite person in the whole wide world and always says I’m his best friend. I’m pretty sure he would like us to have a physical relationship. For ages I knew he really liked me, loved me even but I just didnt think of him like that. Ironically one of the reasons I’ve fallen in love with him is because I thought he was safe, that I could always trust him, because he’s always been so devoted. Now I think maybe I’m just his midlife crisis. It is just so confusing and upsetting and not only is it unrequited live it’s also losing my best friend.
This situation is so tough. I’m sorry. If you want to discuss on air at any point please email me radiojenny@gmail.com