(this was also posted on the huffington post)
my new friend best selling author (the secret lives of wives and many other books!) iris krasnow wrote yet another powerful piece about women and relationships for the huffington post.
and after reading her recent post, i got to thinking…
caution when contemplating the affair with the old love…
you may not regret it.
it may be JUST what you need.
but you will hurt. terribly.
i’ve never spoken to a woman who didn’t feel great sadness after the jolt(s) of excitement.
there are valid reasons women stray.
though i don’t choose this route, i understand it.
and i refuse to judge another woman’s choice involving sex and love.
yes, it is duplicitous to fool around.
but my job isn’t to judge another woman.
i’d rather be her refuge.
because every woman has a dark side. dormant or awake. it is there. if she says it isnt… she’s not being truthful.
how we deal with it is the thing that varies.
and i’m so tired of all the judging frankly.
i’ve said before i really believe the judgments come from fear of acknowledging the wanting of what someone else has. fear of recognizing ourselves in someone else’s (societally unacceptable) behavior or choices.
but the whole affair thing.. i get it.
it would feel really good to be sought after. and longed for.
different from how my husband wants me and loves me.
he does. i am really lucky.
we’ve got a great thing.
but fantasy exists because we need the outlet. those salacious thoughts and wants in our mind’s eye can make for a pleasant respite.
i don’t like the rape fantasy.
but the “i make him so crazy he can’t function” fantasy..that works!
it’d be powerful to know my glance, my voice, my words, and my touch could drive a different man wild.
pretty sure many days my voice makes my husband crazy in the way that he’d like to snuff me out…if only for a few minutes!
and there’s an addiction component.
get it, we want more.
and i’m sure there’s also the awesome throwback feeling to when we were young.
extra appealing because this aging stuff is NOT fun.
but acting out in this way, having the affair, even in the case where it seems essential to your being, is ultimately unwise.
because with the great highs in the moment come the
unbearable lows.
two people who are not supposed to be together tend to only be in sync some of the time.
the rest… one is ok and the other is hurting.
i think we do things like this as a way of acting out. in a way that somehow doesn’t feel dangerous like a coke binge. even though it is.
and we do it to escape our lives because our lives can seem so unmanageable, boring or scary.
the “is this really all there is feeling” can be brutal and send us running for the hills or to an old yummy smelling guy with a giant dick!
but after that sojourn. after that release. after that incredible 15 minutes…or 40… what are we left with?
a memory to help us fall asleep or keep us awake?
a conscience that is complicated by our choices?
you don’t really want what goes with its continuing.
and so, it will end.
and that’s what i believe is the REAL trouble with the clandestine relationship.
have to live the good, the bad and the end… in a clandestine way.
have to grieve the inevitable loss of that relationship in a clandestine way.
otherwise lives get ruined.
and you do NOT want that!
xo
jenny
Jennifer, life requires judgement. To judge, in the right way, is not to demonize, is not to dehumanize and is not done to feel superior to another. Everything everyone does is NOT “okay”. And btw, people are going to do what they want until they see a reason to stop or to change–what you or I say has very little bearing on what someone chooses to do. Learning to be an adult is to learn that, sooner or later, all one has in life is one’s integrity. It is NOT okay to decieve others or to hurt others to get what one wants for oneself. That’s gross. (Judgement!!!!) And people do it all the time. What confuses me is the rush to make people who commit adultery feel better about themselves—why? Where’s the compassion for the people they hurt? I am the product of a divorce caused by an adulterous affair. My parents were wildly unsuited to each other and should never have married and guess what? I still wish they had stayed married so I would not have had to deal with the fallout from adult issues when I was still a child. My father’s affair affected every aspect of my life: financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. This was in the seventies when phrases like “It’s the quality of time you spend with a child, not the quantity” and “Children want their parents to be happy” were the ringing quotes of the day. B.S. Children want their parents together. Instead of all the handwringing over the possible hurt feelings of people who don’t give a damn if they hurt others, why don’t you focus on the reality of it? Hurting others is gross.
i dont believe in hurting others. i also dont plan that lifestyle. but reality is many do. and i do not want to sit in judgment…even the way you recommend that i do. i am sorry you went through such hardship. we all go through hardship.
in life people get hurt from all sorts of events and that sucks…
Agree that we all go through hardship (was not postulating for a moment that everyone doesn’t); if someone’s spouse can’t trust him/her—that does not bode well for that person to be a trustworthy loyal friend. That is a judgement. If you know someone shoplifts, I doubt seriously that you’ll leave your jewelry out for that person to take. That is a judgement. Adults make judgements all the time—you’d be a fool if you didn’t—and you’re not a fool.
Jennifer, you and I have spoken about affairs and why people have them. I agree that no one is in any position to judge anyone for any of the choices they make in their life. If you choose to have an affair and risk all that you have in your marriage, knock yourself out, but you must be willing to live with the consequences. Rare is it, however, that anyone having an affair is thinking of the future (and any consequences); they’re thinking of themselves RIGHT NOW. Consequences don’t really factor into it (or people wouldn’t have affairs and risk it all, would they?)
Your blog post is about what you so often speak; live and let live. Leave the judgments to your higher power, or better yet, forgive each other for our failings and move along. Let it go. Holding onto the hurt and anger only screws YOU in the long run, and being judgmental is, in the words of your first commenter “gross”.
As a woman who’s husband had a long term affair, I guarantee that if your husband cheated you sure as hell would be judging his affair partner AND him. Maybe this is the trouble – we SHOULD be judging people who choose the path of infidelity instead of saying “Oh, that’s ok – I understand you were under a lot of stress, your husband/wife doesn’t pay enough attention to you, you aren’t getting what you need out of your marriage, blah blah blah” BS!! Maybe if there was a little more “judging” going on, people would think twice before going down a path that causes nothing but heartache, anxiety, stress, fear, anger, hurt…
I will never ever be the same person I was – ever. I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of this “experience”. There are THOUSANDS of people – men and women – in the same situation as I am, and it is absolutely devastating. Something no one will ever understand unless they have experienced it firsthand -something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I suggest you do a little research on the effects of infidelity – there’s an amazing support forum – Survivinginfidelity.com. Go there and read story after story of how infidelity has impacted each person there (both the betrayed and the betrayer). It’s not pretty. My husband and I are still together and trying to work on things, but it is by far the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. So yeah – I will continue to “judge” people who choose this path of destruction. No one deserves this.
Wow…..wow. Absolutley. I have done this very thing myself in a past relationship. It truthfully effects me on occasion STILL, even four or five years later now. Because of my choices and his choices, we were JUST not meant to be together. Cheating felt like the right choice, as you said, 20 or 40 or whatever minutes of what you think is a good idea. It really turns out to be a very bad one!! I think admitting to the feelings whether to yourself or via discussion with your significant other can be a good thing. I believe open communication, total transparency can be a good thing, esp when it comes to sex. It def opens our sex life up to all its possibilities when talking about fantasies.
This was a fantastic post.
Dianne, you can’t assume that everyone feels the same as you. I grew up in a dysfunctional household. I hated it! I begged my mom to leave my dad on more than one occasion. If I had been old enough I would have moved the hell Outta there! You have to decide do you stay together in a relationship that’s filled with resentment, anger and hate for the sake of the kids that may teach them it’s ok and normal to be in a bad relationship and that’s what love is? Or get out and teach them,you don’t allow anyone to treat you badly. That is in no way love or caring.
I was speaking for myself and my own experience—I have drawn some generalizations but that is my right as a thinking person experencing life. Ruth, Carla, Susan, I agree completely. Just one caveat: I wrote in specifics because Jennifer wrote about infidelity–a subject I know about. There is no such thing as “letting go.’ There is learning from life. I am in a happy monogamous marriage that is almost fifteen years old—my father’s behavior allowed me to see what I wanted in a husband—and choose it.
I’m with Carla. If I could click “like” I would have. Jenn, not even sure what your blog post was about…just non judgement? To paraphrase you, you’re just 20 to 40 minutes away from putting your non-judgement into action. It totally totally sucks. And what’s worse, I bet you couldn’t even get 200 monogamous individuals in one room. (except me of course!)
I have watched with voyeuristic interest, Oprah’s infidelity series and each time I listen to a spouses’ woe of it felt good, she/he was insistent, charming, my he/she doesn’t spend enuf time with me narratives and you know what I say to the TV screen? F you, you whiners! Where is your moral ground? I bet once those people have to scrounge with you over the mortgage payment – someone is going to lose interest.
Non-judgement? Really? Not with this bitch!
Wow.. so much to say.. Diane sometimes you can’t let your past be your future.. You have to let it go, not forgive it but let it go.. The anger you have is not healthy..
With regards to your word Judging (Jenny) I don’t know if I judge people who have affairs but I wonder where there moral compass is.. I so agree with everything you said and I just starting 50 shades of grey. So I see how it can be so easy to be enticed into cheating. I’m not married so I don’t know what that committment is like after 10-15 years. But I do know you have to wake up with yourself and know can you live with the lie b/c it is a lie. I have a friend who has slept with married men and I often ask her doesn’t it bother you? I don’t get it, but it’s her life and she is writing her own script. Not one I agree with but we are still friends. Such an interesting topic. More to be discussed I’m sure..
Where is this “old yummy smelling guy with a giant dick!”??? And…is he rich? Hook a single sistah UP!
Too often, people get into committed relationships with the INTENTION of being faithful – however, life presents many challenges and twists. I know that if I ever cheated – I would feel immense guilt, however, I can’t say that I would “NEVER” cheat. Circumstances can lead humans to do things that they “NEVER” thought they would do – I can’t judge someone else because I don’t know the WHOLE story.
I can say that telling a lie is wrong – but it’s not logical for me to make a sweeping statement about someone’s character (i.e. You’re a LIAR) merely because they tell a lie. There’s a difference between judging behavior and judging a PERSON.
Having an affair just seems mean and manipulative. It’s almost like a power play. If all parties are okay with it then I guess it is alright. I doubt that would be the case though. What a way to live? That would be the ultimate deal breaker for me. I would have to leave despite what Dr Laura would say.
J
Jenny,
Just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed this piece. I especially liked your perspective on how fear is the origin of judgement.
Great work, really. 🙂
How are you just so damn pretty? Teach me your ways please 🙂
ha! as if! (thanks)