I’m still bothered by that mom Dara-Lynn Weiss’ exploitive article for Vogue magazine talking about her putting her daughter on a weight loss diet at 7 years old.My mom put me on a diet when i was 8 years old. And though I am hesitant to blame her years later because I know her intentions were only good, I’m sure her vigilance in the matter contributed to my overabundance of fat as an adult.
I was an adorable little girl. All red hair, hazel eyes and a big personality to match.
I talked. A lot. Too much! Heck, I used to roar like a lion on my school bus (I wish this weren’t true but I’ve got siblings to corroborate!)
People would stop my mom and me, wherever we’d go to say how darling I was.
Things were amazing for the first 6 or 7 years of my life. I think until I was probably 8 years old. Hard to say for certain and the old pictures are not well dated.
BUT I do recall being hyper aware of my weight as early as age 8.
I’m the youngest of 3 kids.
My brother Brian, the oldest, a boy, was regular sized. And because he is a boy, not much focus was made on his body.
My sister Stacy was a skinny kid. She wasn’t stick arms and legs but pretty darn close.
I was little. And ultimately round.
When I look at pictures of me at 8 years old, I do see a small belly protruding. But I don’t see fat which is a bit maddening considering how oppressive my mother was about my weight.
2nd grade (1977/1978) was when it started (that’s also the year my wrap skirt unraveled in the school lunchroom but that’s a whole other story!)
My mom was concerned I was problematically short and round. And she started taking me to doctors. Yes, doctor(s).
She took me to my pediatrician who told her I would be under 5′ tall (I’m 5’2″ as an adult so take that Dr. Not-so-smartypants!) and then to an endocrinologist for a bone age exam.
And then a day in the hospital for a glucose tolerance test.
My mom was so chic, that even before type 2 diabetes was all the rage, she thought i had it!
Needles back then weren’t quite as small as they are now.
And I still remember that syrupy fake Coca Cola I had to drink. Bleh.
Of course, I didn’t have diabetes, so the next place we went to deal with my roundness was another doctor. This medical doctor was a psychiatrist who handled kids who were fat. I think. She was a behaviorist and all I can remember was that I knew to “doctor” my food journal so she wouldn’t see that I liked candy, cookies, cakes, pizza, ice cream and anything else that was a taboo food.
I was eating (according to my food diary) carrots, celery, chicken and fruit.
Sadly my lying about my food intake didn’t fool the doctor or anyone.
Closet eating became a way of life.
As did going to weight loss spas.
There were not many other 10 year olds at the famous Golden Door spa in California- which, as an adult, is where i’d love to be, but as a 10 year old…not so much!
While my mom and I ate sprouts for days, rest of my family was somewhere fun- like disney. Ok not disney but somewhere as appealing as Disney.
Food was the main enemy until puberty.
When puberty started, I learned my body was the enemy too.
When puberty started, I learned that my body was misshapen.
My ass was too big, my thighs too. My breasts were too small for my big ass.
To most, I would’ve been considered “pear shape” but to quote my mom who’s since passed away, I was “ill formed.”
I was offered fake boobs when I was 15 (I declined. Thankfully my own breasts did manage to show up years later!)
I was offered every possible weight loss option in the 1980s. (The bulk of which I’ll mention in my next not yet written book!)
Eat fruits, vegetables and cake was one thing my mother recommended.
Eat ice cream instead of dinner was another.
Exercise as much as possible (duh).
And if you are overweight no one will love you.
When i was 20 I missed a week of college so I could go (happily) to the Ashram in Calabasas California (eat almost nothing, hike all day, share a bathroom and bedroom with strangers- I opted out of sharing a bedroom by opting in to sleeping in a closet. literally.)
It was always this way: weight and beauty first, everything else second.
I was completely smitten and as equally relieved when I met my husband and was told that his ex-girlfriend had a large ass. He (in the words of my sister) was not a “body man” which meant that he could, in fact, really like me.
This is what happens when your weight is your mom’s greatest focus. It becomes YOUR greatest focus. It looms larger than the big ass that caused the worry in the first place. And in my case, it laid the groundwork for my actually being overweight.
Sadness, fear of death, fear of never feeling “hot” and, I suppose, subconsciously knowing my mother wouldn’t get the satisfaction of my weight loss, made me dig deep enough to figure out a way to be not fat.
Perversely, I’m sad every day that my mother doesn’t get to see me fitting into tight pants and looking like a “norm” in them (her word for a normal looking person.)
She would’ve loved it.
She did love me.
I was her sunshine… her ever too fat sunshine.
Wow, so powerful. I still remember a blog post of yours on the Whatever blog that you were in a bathing suit on the beach frolicking away and that you didn’t have your mother’s judgment weighing you down. Very honest stuff Jen. I think about that often and share many many of your thoughts and feelings.
thanks ruthy! all of those blogs are here too.. just search. this is the post you’re referencing: https://jenniferhutt.com/?s=bittersweet+freedom
Sometimes I read your blog posts and feel we had the same upbringing – just me on the West coast! It is therapeutic (sp?) to me to read how you are dealing with your weight loss. I hope to someday be in your shoes!
I can relate to this so much. My Mom has always had weight issues and I was a chubby kid. She had me on Weight Watchers when I was 11 and I ended up gaining quite a lot of weight as I got older. I think, at the time, I would cheat just to spite her. What 11 year old wants to be on a diet? I just wanted to be able to eat like my friends. I don’t hold it against her though, weight issues stink.
Amazing post, good for you to be willing to share something so personal about yourself! In my experience, opening up about troubles from our childhood is extremely difficult but such an important step in moving on.
This really hit home with me. I recently admitted to myself while talking with a close friend that I had a physically, verbally and emotionally abusive childhood, and it was a huge lightbulb moment for me. I also have food issues and for me, with some reading and soul-searching, i am realizing that they are directly related to one another.
I also know without a doubt that my parents love me immensely. They just made some really big mistakes and I don’t think they will ever fully come to understand them, for various reasons. It can be very complicated emotinally when you think that your parents did the best they could within their limitations but feel like they must have known better or even if they didn’t, that it still just wasn’t good enough.
Not sure how often you have shared this story but you really should write a book about it. It would be a fascinating read!!!
there’s so much more! yes, one day i will write that book… just haven’t yet. and ofcourse your parents love you. my mom LOVED me so much!!! she just didn’t know the right way to deal with my weight. she was human. and flawed. like me.
I think your mom looked at your weight as a reflection of her, if you were fat she would be judged for it.
or as an extension of her- she didnt feel ok therefore i couldnt be ok. she did the best she could. this i know!
Thank you for sharing you are so inspiring in so many ways it’s just beautifull <3
thank you lisa!!
I read your blogs and I feel like I’m reading something I could write…from pudgy girl to obese adult with Mom’s obsession with my weight…to 120 lbs, 15% body fat, at 5’1″ running 12-14 miles almost every day and still unable to fully accept what I’ve become. I love her dearly and I’m thankful she’s still here (cancer survivor). And today, she thinks I need to gain weight. The battle never ends.
Stephanie, how did you build up to 12 to 14 miles a day? Did you use a specific training plan?
And yes, the battle never ends.
Recently a friend from grade school / high school was on Intervention. Her story was one that started like yours (and unfortunately mine too)…young girls, being told we are / were fat. Girls, who became women raised by women who feared that their daughters would never be loved or even liked because of a dress size or a number on a scale. After seeing the Intervention story, I contacted my mother and said, “please watch this. You know her. You will remember her…and I need you to be thankful that I didn’t end up in the same place.” Ultimately, this person from my childhood grew up, became a model and the pressure to be “perfect” literally drove her to drink…and become an alcholic (which by the way is far more dangerous than being fat)
I think that our mother’s (same generation) meant well…I think they DID / DO love us and their nagging us about being fat (which when I too look back, wasn’t really fat) was their way of “loving” us…protecting us…and ultimately damaging us. (when I found out I was pregnant with my son (at the age of 25) the first thing my mother said / did was get my ass to Weight Watchers…yes, a pregnant woman at Weight Watchers. When my husband and I were having problems with my marriage, my mother said “Do you think it’s because of your weight?” (no, he was having an affair with my best friend…and THAT was making me fat)
Those taunts from our mothers were far more damaging to us than the kids on the playground, or the young men that we would cross paths with in our future…we are forever haunted by this.
Thanks for sharing this. I know in the past you have said how you were pressured about your weight…tonight, this hit home.
Wow. We need to talk! For Christmas when I was 13, I got _A Woman Doctor’s Diet for Teenage Girls_. At 15 years old, 5’1″ and weighing 100 pounds, I was taken to Weight Loss Clinic (like Weight Watchers). My mother was (perhaps still is) a ballet teacher and while I wasn’t fat, I was “fat for a dancer!” I was, almost literally, starved as a teen while I was dancing 40 hours a week. I know that my mother was doing what she thought was best for me. Yes, it is a big part of why I am so overweight now.
we can talk anytime! and please petra share this post wherever you can!!! sorry you’ve gone through that… so sorry. wait, did you lose your mother too?! arghhh… there is hope. and a future with less fat. im there. it is still a struggle but please trust you can be whoever you choose to be. xo.
LOL. Look at that, Jenny! I read your blog when you first posted it. Did I lose my mother? Yes, but not to death. She stopped talking to me in February 2009. Thanks again.
Oh I’m sorry about that Petra!!! But I’m thrilled you’re on a better path!
I can remember my mom buying Figurine bars, not realizing they were supposed to be eaten “as” a meal, not in addition to my lunch! No wonder I’m still overweight!
Jenny, This brings back so many memories for me too. I can still taste the “fake” Coca-Cola syrup, your description made me feel the thickness of it in the back of my throat. I can remember being 14 and looking at the X-Rays of my hands up on the lighted screen, wondering how does this relate to my being fat. You got to go to spa’s I got diet pills. You were “ill-formed” I was just a “slob”. We both lost weight after a parent died for many of the same reasons. Our childhoods were so different, yet the same. I have broken that cycle with my own son, as I know you have with your children. After reading this post I think that the BOOK should be your next project! You could dictate on the treadmill! xo
sorry you had such a tough time rich… glad your son is great!
LOVE YOU JENNY HUTT!!! thanks for the honesty about your pain and struggle. As you know, your mother loved you the best she could. She wanted your life to be the best it could be and in her mind that meant a certain body weight and shape. It makes me sad for her in a way. I know if she had lived she would have grown in wisdom and regretted her choices. You turned out good just the same 🙂
Thank you for being so candid! I had a similar upbringing and I am still struggling with my weight. I have a daughter and consciously have fought any urge to comment on her weight so she wouldn’t have to grow up like me. Looking back, I wasn’t fat in high school even though my my made me feel like I was. Ironically, I was the same height and weight in high school that my daughter is now…and she looks great! I still focus on the hope that I won’t spend the last half of my life focused on my weight because it will no longer be an issue.
I just read this amazing blog you wrote! You are a very talented writer, and I can’t wait to read the next book you have “not” written yet! In the years since I have seen you, I have been following your wonderful career and remember with great affection listening to you on the radio with your mom. As a child, I too, had a “tummy” when the other girls did not, and wanted my hip bones to show when I layed down on the beach in my two piece. As I grew into my teen years, it was more of the same. When I decided to pursue dance and then the fitness industry years later, I had to learn the very hard lesson of accepting my body and liking what I would see in the mirror. It took years of working on myself and it is still an ongoing process. I am going to be 57 years old in two days, and I look great and people say that to me all the time, but, deep down, I am still wishing for the flat tummy and hipbones to appear! Keep up the incredible journey, Jen, and I wish you all the best!
I am the mother who has bugged her daughter about her weight. I have three daughters and only one is overweight. I did not go to the extremes that your mother did but I always encouraged my daughter to lose weight and took her to Weight Watchers. It does not seem to have helped for she is still overweight at age 25 and extremely sensitive if I say anything to her about her weight. I understand that a mother should not harass a daughter about her weight but if somebody is literally killing themselves by gaining weight every year, what is a mother to do? Would love some advice on how I can help my daughter or should I just never mention her weight again?
i don’t think it is about NEVER mentioning weight again.. but i do think making sure she knows weight is just one small piece of who she is would be valuable. i think it is the over importance of the weight/appearance issue. and moira this is a struggle for all moms! i think the fact that your asking what to do means you’re probably already changing the way in which you work to help her. maybe send her an email telling her how fantastic she is, and don’t mention her weight.
since she is 25 years old, i am not sure that bothering her anymore really is going to get her to take action- she’s a grownup now. but maybe you can buy her a gym membership or some other healthful treat…
tough situation. maybe other readers will have more ideas!
I was never put on diets or fat camps/spas as a kid. But, I can hear my grandmother’s voice (she raised me) so many times saying…”You look so nice/pretty/beautiful…BUT you need to get that weight off” or “Too bad so and so didn’t know you when you were skinny. You WERE so beautiful.” I know her intentions were to help or motivate, but they did so much more harm then good. Now, even though I have realized OUR dream of weight loss, I always have a voice in my head with a but or an if only and I never truly just accept myself.
I am so glad that I found this website. My story is so similar, complete with the bone age and the endocrinologist. I was 9 and I was on a 500 calorie a day diet. I have come to some startling realizations reading these posts. I just made an appointment with my therapist.
Thank you, Jenny, for your insightful article. My grandma was the same way about my mom’s weight. She was always critical of my mom’s weight from the time she was a teenager to when my mom was 51 and my grandma passed away. My mom was never a very skinny person, but she was not really overweight. Unfortunately, after my grandma died, my mom became very overweight and it has been very hard for her to lose the weight (even though she has been in therapy for years.) I know my grandma meant well, but it really destroyed my mom’s self-esteem. I don’t think parents realize the damage they do when they are critical of their children’s weight. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.