My mommy and me 1974
Oh crap. It’s that time of year again when I am reminded in a more pronounced way that my mom has died.
Most of the year, I can be offhandedly crude about losing her:
Someone else: “how’s your mother?”
Me: “She’s dead.”
This is (obviously) a defense mechanism so I don’t have to feel (or deal with?!) the depth of my longing for her/missing her.
Although I have written (extensively before) about how she drove me bananas about my body,
on the weekend of the 4th anniversary of her death (7.8.2008) at the young age of 65, I choose to remember just the bright spots, which frankly are so many they usually eclipse the yucky stuff on the other days too.
Midnight January 1, 2008... 7 months before she died.
My mom was a terrifically complicated woman. Warm, smart, crazy, feisty, wacky, passionate, gorgeous, loyal, self deprecating, generous, funny and spectacular. We loved each other to infinity and beyond.
I still love her. I like to think she still loves me from wherever she is.
Not a day (somedays not even an hour) goes by without my thinking of my mom Bunny.
I miss watching her try to dance (she was horrible). I miss listening to her sing along to who knows what or nothing (she had a terrible voice).
I miss being screamed at by her because she was pms (thanks mom!) or because I wasn’t dressed well enough (and while complaining about my attire, quite possibly my mom could’ve been wearing mismatched sweats!) or because I was missing the point about one thing or another.
I miss hugging and kissing her.
I miss her smell.
I miss her soft skin.
I miss hearing my mom tell me, every single day she lived, that she loved me. Really, everyday my mom told me. Frankly, every phone call- we talked too many times to count each day. I miss that too.
I miss hearing my mom tell me I’d lost the “song” in my voice- she could sense when I wasn’t feeling right…physically or mentally.
I do my best to find ways to have the “song” in my voice. Sometimes just thinking of my mom will make it happen.
I miss my mommy.
Four years later it still hurts the same.
xo
jenny
Oh, honey! That’s so touching, brought tears to my eyes. I could not imagine losing my mom. Thanks for sharing.
My mum was called Jennifer she was my Scottish angel she died 25may 2013 nearly 4yrs ago and not a day goes by my heart doesn’t ache constant pain my mummy was only 62 jus wanted to send you a hug because I have the same pain I know how u feel sending love and light and hugs xxx
E
Jennifer, I lost my sister a few months later from lymphoma. I recall reading your blog and wondering how am I going to handle losing someone that I spoke on a daily + basis..to have them here no longer… You gave me that shoulder to lean on, although you didn’t know it. I listened to you and Alexis daily, and it drove me mad that she was insensitive to how bad you were hurting, (she has a bad habit of saying hurtful things about people that pass, and one’s she wish that would!) I’m healing, year after year, and I feel my sister smiling from above.
I’m sure your mother is cheering you on!
oh nancy, unimaginable. i am so sorry. glad i was one step ahead and could comfort you from afar. it is icky. just is icky.
Oh wow – I lost my mother quite suddenly on October 20, 2008 – and not a day (hour?) goes by without me thinking about her. I don’t think I will ever be over it, but most days I don’t cry about it, so that’s good, right? Anniversaries, birthdays, certain holidays are pretty bad (i dread Passover and thanksgiving now). My mom would never want me to be this sad, she was love and grace and laughter peraonified – but her loss is just so huge. Coincidentally – my mom was Bunny too! Her real name was Arlene, but everybody called her Bunny from the time she was a little girl.
Thanks for sharing your post and making me feel a little less like a freak because I’m just not over it. Your mom would be so proud of you…
you’re not even kind of a freak. you are NORMAL. it sucks. and another bunny! yours sounds special too…
Jennifer, my mother just died on June 14, 2012 of epiglottic cancer. I was her primary caretaker—she moved into our house on March 8, 2012. I had a terrifically complicated relationship with my mother—but at the end of her life she was a joy to take care of. I wish I could say everything ended in sweetness and light but it did not. My sister who is ten months and twenty days older than I and who also had a complicated relationship with Mama decided to go to outer limits in the last ten days of her life. It’s too long and gross a story to go into now—the point is NOBODY GETS IT until they lose their mothers. It is amazing to me how I feel—all I want to do is to talk to my mother and hear her talk back to me: that’s it. And I can’t have it. I am a Christian and believe in eternal life—I still just want to talk to my mother NOW.
so sorry dianne… really.
Thank you, Jennifer. I don’t believe anyone can understand losing a parent until it happens—I’ve listened to you for three years and I’ve felt such sympathy for you (and my husband who lost his mother in 2009) but I could not understand until it happened to me. I am understanding now.
I am a 40 year old only child who lost both of my parents 4 years ago, 9 months apart. I can absolutely relate to what you are saying. There is something about the way your mom can hear your voice and instantly know there is something wrong. Not only that, but one of the only people who genuinely cared why. I miss the way my dad looked at me like I was the prettiest, most talented, funniest, best person in the whole world. I find miyself forgetting what their voices sound like and it terrifies me. I don’t think we get over it, I think we just adjust to our new normal : (
ugh.
My mom died over 17 years ago while I was in highschool. You will never get over it, sorry :(. Love your show. I am a Hofstra Law graduate too :). Be well.
yuck. and yuck. congratulations re accomplishing so much despite the loss. im certain your mom is proud!
Lots of hugs Jenny,…it’s such a hard world to live in without our moms isn’t it? I too lost my mom, 3 yrs ago this July 31st. One day she found out she had leukemia , and 2 weeks later we buried her. I was the youngest of 4, and mom would always call me her baby, as much as I hated that then, I sure miss hearing it now. You mentioned your moms soft skin, ya know, I miss my moms soft arms, they were always there to put my arms through, and I remember to this day how her skin felt. Lets hang in there together,….it’s hard, you take care!
sending you hugs! comments like this make me grateful my kids play with my arm flab- it is something they are sure to remember!
Hi Jenny
I lost my Mom 5 years ago and it does not get easier. I miss her all the time and some days I just want my Mommy. I expect it will be this way for the rest of my life.
I try to remember the good times
judy, youve got to live! your mom would want that right?! sadness is always underneath..but joy exists!
I lost my mum 7 years ago to Alzheimer’s, at 75. I miss her everyday and think of her often. I am a changed person since losing her.
I lost my mom to cancer Thanksgiving 2005. We too, had a complex relationship. I completely relate to your entire post. I am truly very sorry for the hole that has been left by your Mom’s passing. Until you lose a parent you can never really, really understand how awful it is.
At Thanksgiving last year we found out we were matched for a sibling set that we were trying to adopt. One of my children was born on my Mom’s birthday. I don’t believe in coincidences; I am certain my Mom played a part in their becoming our children.
For the first time since she passed, Thanksgiving wasn’t horrible. Time (and circumstances) really do heal all things (or at least give us better perspective). I hope your heart is soon feeling better.
Thanks for always being so real, Radio Jenny!
that’s awesome news!!! yay!!!! sorry you get it.. not easy. but you are doing great.
xo
Hi beautiful,
I lost my father almost 35 years ago and I still miss him terribly. My mother is very ill now and I am dreading the day she will not be here anymore with me.UGH.. :(… your words made me cry, but I also was so moved by the way you remembered her. Keep on rockin’ and rollin’ Jennifer!!! you are awesome and you give your fans a lot of strength with your touching words. Thank you.
rina, my fans give me strength. no joke, it was fans (and my family and friends of course) who carried me through the toughest time… i am ridiculously lucky in that way and thankful.
and yeah, UGH! sorry things are super rough for you now.
I lost my mom December 27 2015. it was kind of sudden she got pneumonia. she had it two years ago also. we were not close growing up but as she aged and got needy I felt appreciated. I didn’t know I would hurt this bad. she died sucking on a oxygen mask. it was horrific. now I think I have ptsd. I can’t get over how scared she was and she was a Christian.
I’m so so sorry. Horrible.
Sorry to hear
Happy to say
You will hug her again one day.
thanks darrell…
Im sorry Jen u and your family were such an important part of my childhood I miss u all. She was so special I remember she took me to first day of middle school and came into class and kissed every child. She was so special and I am so sorry. She was one of a kind w a heart of gold and u have a special family
perri! she loved you (and your mom, dad, and jane!) and we ALL LOVE YOU!!!!!!!! see you soon. xoxox
Hi Jennifer. Your post really touched me. I reached out to you, almost 4 years ago on Facebook. My mom passed away the Saturday before Thanksgiving in 2008. I had just had my son barely 4 months earlier. I remember that you reminded me to allow myself to be however I was going to be and to be kind to myself. Being kind to myself meant allowing myself to feel the joy of my new baby. You were right: I moved forward because I was now the mom and he needed me. Before I knew it I was doing it for me. It has been so hard and I miss my mom as much today as I did four years ago. Thank you for reminding me that it is ok feel the good and the bad.
i believe it is not just good, it is essential! our mothers would want that. i know it. and i bet youre a fantastic mom to your little boy!!!!! keep going angel- youve got a good head on your shoulders.
Met your Mom. Changed my opinion of who I was in ONE conversation. Awkward 16 year old girl who felt like a misfit. Time away from Stacy and your family and friends on Stacy’s special night to make me feel at ease ( Trust me… I did NOT fit in that night) to make me feel at ease. Sheer grace. I was blown away by her physical beauty but stunned by her inner beauty. She left a mark on me forever. I have 4 kids of my own now. Whenever any of their friends is over, at the slightest hint of what I feel is self doubt, I Bunny it. I pay it forward and I hope they leave feeling the way I did that night. Thinking of you all. F*CK CANCER. <3
awww geanne, i know you pay it forward… you are that kind of girl! bunny was right.. xo
What a beautiful tribute to this glamourous fabulous woman that I only know as a listener of Jennifer’s and through her amazing pictures. Love it.
Hard to believe its been four years already for you and your family..amazing how fast time goes by…wish the pain vanished as quickly. You have come a long (emotional) way on your path of losing your mom… One of the most difficult challenges in the world! It’s all a process, endless emotion….but your doing it…some days weak, some strong, but your doing it. I also miss my mom telling me she loved me everyday…she was amazing in so many ways also….no other love like it. I miss her so. 18 years for mom….19 for my dad….
I hate cancer, it steals from all of us. No matter what …we all carry on with more in common then we think.
yup to all you said. all true… good days and bad. thanks for being along for the ride and sorry you too have such loss. ick.
I lost my mom almost a year ago and this summer has been particularly hard. I am not sure you ever get over it but you learn to live with it. I miss her everyday with a deep, unexplainable sadness. Listening to you talk abou it had made me feel normal. Thank you.
YOU ARE BEYOND NORMAL!!!!
I’m very sorry for your loss I’m an only child 45 years old, it’s been since March 25, 2014 and I feel like I’m dying inside each and every day. I hate being an only child know one seem to know what I’m going through. Jenn
Jenny have you thought about honoring your mom by framing a sweet letter or note she wrote to you? I have seen it done on several blogs and it might be a great inspiration to you.
i have some letters.. have to look for more. i try to honor her by being a good person with a bit of mischief too..she’d like that!
Hi Jenny! I remember your mom, Bunny, so well from when we were kids at school. Mostly through being your brother, Brian’s classmate. She had such a presence and loved the three of you to pieces! I can so relate in your loss as my mom died Five years ago, and she was my best friend. Just sending you hugs for what it’s worth, and to let you know you are not alone. XO
hugs right back.. yeah, she was way cool. thanks for posting! xo.
Oh! And I love the photo of you with her at school! I can recognize the bricks and air conditioner behind you both! Hope I’m right. Lol. Anyway, hugs.
YUP! youre right!
Hi Jennifer, I lost my mom 4 years ago too in May ’08 to cancer. I had a two month old son & a 22 month old son. I don’t think you ever “get over it”, I think you just learn to live with it. I think of my mom daily too and frankly the month of May sucks for me, every year. My oldest son has my mom’s crazy cackle laugh, I marvel every time I hear it. I hope she can hear it too. When my mom was in hospice on her last days, I watched hummingbirds outside her window for hours everyday. Now there is a hummingbird outside my kitchen window in a tree every single day. Its usually there every time I look out the window. I didn’t think I believed in that stuff, but some small part of me thinks that my mom sent that bird (or is that bird) just so I would always remember she is with me. (Does that sound nuts or what??) I’ve never told anyone other then my husband that. I hope that our mothers can see us and watch our children grow & flourish and be proud in knowing the strong, smart, crazy, hilarious, loving, compassionate daughters they raised. My mother drove me nuts too but I would give anything for her to be here driving me nuts right now. Keep on doing what you are doing. And Thank You for sharing yourself with the world. So happy to have gotten to “know you”. Hope you are having a great summer!
kristen that is NOT nuts at all… we all have little signs and thoughts.
i have to think theyre around and see something… makes it easier to sleep that way. sending love your way!
Thanks for replying!! And THANKS for reminding me to tell my kids I love them every single day (multiple times 🙂 Best thing I can ever give them. Have a great & happy day. Much love, k
Jenny, big hugs. Makes me weepy but I understand. My daughter would tell you that Bunny lives on in your “loving heart” and she’s right. Wherever she is, I am willing to bet she’s got her eye and her spirit on you!
Thanks Rebecca. Your daughter is a smart one!
Jenny, your words were beautiful. I lost my dad 5 years ago and sometimes it takes my breath away when I am driving and “remember” he is not here. Your mom sounds like an incredible lady. Thanks for sharing her with us.
Sorry sorry. Yeah sometimes we have to remember they’re gone. Ick.
Once again Jen, you hit the nail on the head. Lost my mom last August and am still struggling on how to mourn. She was quite old but still feisty despite her dementia. Holocaust survivor and a reallll lady. But i am really touched with this loving sisterhood you have going on here – a beautiful tribute to you Jenny and the way your voice speaks to so many. Rock on and for God sake, enjoy your summer without your kids!!!
people are magnificent right?! yes, having a good time- or at least always trying to! xo.
My mom is losing her battle to cancer. Not sure how many days we have left on this earth together. Not fun…
oh debbie. it is horrible. sorry you’re going through this now. BUT you’ll get through it! sending you hugs…
Thanks. I think the hardest part is that I am only 30 and haven’t started having kids yet. I hate that my future kids most likely won’t meet my mom. She is such an amazing person! Sending hugs back your way
Totally verklempt. Such a lovely sad piece, Jenny. I forgot your mother and my son share a birthday. xo
I know you’re close to wear I am… Hope you are doing ok! Xo
I found your post by chance 2nite. I’ve been awake all nite & listening to my mom cry in her sleep across the hall. She has terrible pain from neuropathy that never goes away. Reading your post reminds me how I need 2 treasure every moment w/my parents. I’m 40 & struggle w/depression. After a near fatal suicide attempt 9 years ago, I have been holding on so that I never cause them such pain again. I’m so sorry you are sad.
im sorry you are going through such a horrible thing! sending good thoughts your way!!!!
You will never get over it!!! Both the love and the loss of your mother will be with you always. I speak from experience. It helps to never think you SHOULD be over it, or better. Grief comes in waves and sometimes we don’t see them coming until they wash over us. That does not mean we should give ourselves permission to wallow in feeling sorry for ourselves, just to cut ourselves some slack when we are overwhelmed momentarily by feelings of loss. Sending love.
my grandmother basically raised me and although she wasn’t my “mother”, I LOVED her like she was. i will never forget the day she passed away, one of my aunts came to me, embraced me, and said she new i would miss her forever . . . and i do and you will too and it’s ok – it is meaningful.
Hi Jenny, I have no brilliant words to lighten your pain. My Dad died 4 years ago and then my best friend who is my mom died last year. I can’t handled her not being there for me! A few months after that my only brother committed sucide. We were such a tight family, kinda like yours. Now it’s just me and my sister. I thought we could lean on each other we’ve always been more than sisters. She lives a block away from me. But sad to say we have not dealt with this well. My sister and my relationship has forvever changed. And I morn her most of all. I never knew how much sucide could destroy the family. My sister found him and now is so hateful and bitter and doesn’t want any kind of relationship with me now. I guess she’s done with family. I know we all have trials in this life but I can’t help but thinking how different it would be if Mum was here! Well sorry about the whinning but I know what your feeling!
Much Love,
Susan
It will be a year November 15 when I lost my Mom. I don’t think we will ever get over it. As the date gets closer I feel sadder . UGH ! I’ll hang in there as I know you will 🙂 Sending you Peace and love,,,,, Jane
thanks for sharing your feelings and memories. it has been a year since i lost my mom. i miss her knowing EVERYTHING and making UNSOLICITED comments and OPINIONS…LOL
my friends say i am her..a guy..lol..we do become them in some way…
you’re very cool Jenny…
Jenny, you expressed it quite beautifully. You never stop missing them. I lost my mom to liver cancer 21 years ago and I still think about and miss her every day. My parents had me later in life after my brother and sister had grown. My mom would always call me her bonus. She always made me feel special. She was loving, caring and funny. She had the most contagious of laughs, deep from within. I can still hear them. And no one could tell a story like her, always with some embellishments. Anyway know that one day you will get to see your mom again and share every story. Thank you for sharing.
Love, Annie
My mom passed away almost 3 years ago to mesothelioma. It is a cancer of the lining of the lungs caused by asbestos exposure. She never had a smoke in her life but she was an educator of labor unions and would visit them everywhere in the country.
It was the most horrible 4 months of my life. I was her aid during operations, chemotherapy sessions and the “late nights” after the treatment when the pain was so severe she would scream and cry and squirm. I knew all her meds, I bought all her meds. i signed her DNR with so much pain and guilt. I was there when she died.
I was 31 then, i had an older sister who cant deal with my moms sickness. My mom is separated so thats it. even friends seem to be scarce then, and those close to me refused to deal with me when cancer consumed my days and happy disposition. One even resigned because she cant work with me. I felt so alone in my battle. The only solace i had was going to movie houses to cry or escape.
People will never understand and you should never take it against them, i knew that now, painfully.
My mom’s death change my perception of my world i think. I prefer being alone ever since with the exception of a handful of friends . Life is easier this way.
Every year during these times, I am reminded of her death. Sends me in a numbing state. And when I refuse to think about it, my brain wont cooperate. I barely remember the time when shes healthy and we are the best of friends.
Her sickness tainted my memory of her. I can only see her in her deathbed, when she would lie on me and i can feel her hallow back on my chest. I remember her screaming at me and getting mad about everything. We never said our goodbyes. The last 3 days of her life, she was unconscious, and i had to monitor her oxygen when her breathing fluctuates and thats every 15 minutes.
I dont know how to mend me. I dont want to be in this state. Its March 17 and during this day 3 years ago, I’m preparing for a 2nd option chemo meds.
It’ll be 3 years on April 21. I need to move on. I really want to move on. I wish I know how.
My mother died on April 26, 2012. She had cancer. Even now, a year later, and probably until I die, I will never be over it. She and my father loved each other so much. The pain from me comes not just from her being missing, but from the fact that every time I look my dad in the eye, I know he misses her.
That’s the worst pain. Empathy.
Jenny,
Thank you for sharing. Your post could have been my own. I lost my mom 5 years ago on April 18. I’m an only child and lost my dad in 1994. I have no other family. I have a beautiful frosted jar that contained my mom’s body cream from many years ago. She kept her jewelry in it. Whenever I miss her smell, I open the jar and close my eyes. I miss my mommy too. Hang in there. It doesn’t ever seem to get better, but a little easier with time.
I lost my mom 3 years ago. And I still can’t get over it. I was afraid I was taking it too hard, but…it’s good to know there are others who feel like I do. I can’t seem to move on.
It is very hard dealing with my Mom passing away. She did to pass away due to Cancer and I have been very affected of what happened. Growing up me and my Mom had a on and off relationship but as I grew older I became really close to her. I miss her so much, sometimes I would just cry because of what she went through, I think of my kids and how she was with them. It just wasn’t fair, for me , my kids and everyone who loved her, so many things I wish I could’ve told her, so many things I wish I could’ve done. Hurts so much to know that She’s gone.
I lost my mom 5 years ago and two years later my father and two years later my grandfather (whom i was very close with). The pain never goes away. It is still there, just learning to deal with your emotions gets easier. I will never forget my family and neither will you. They will always be with you.
I lost my Mother in April of 2009. Every day since I think about her and what it means to me not having her in my life. I had spent many years away from her and finally decided to move nearer. 3 months later she passed away. Those 3 months together we became very close friends. I knew her as a child before and understood her as a friend later. The pain is so deep that I have to distance myself sometimes to maintain any sense of composure. I sometimes find myself running to some secluded spot to let the tears run when I am overwhelmed. Every memory of her is so vivid that I feel her presence around me when I think of my childhood. Her love was and still is so real and strong. I thank God that I was blessed to have been born from her.
You never get over losing your mom. My mom never got over losing her mom, and I am not getting over my mother’s death, I don’t think it’ll ever go away, it’s been 2 years now and I think about her every single day. I miss her a lot, I miss her guidance and her yelling at me because I’m always chronically late. I miss her encouragement and the sense of security she always gave me, like no matter how bad things were, if she said everything was going to be ok, it was going to be ok because she said it. It’s horrible living no longer having that, it’s like a piece of me is missing. I used to wonder why mom talked about my grandma every single day, she was always thinking about her, and now, now I know exactly why. She’s my first thought when I wake up and my last when I go to sleep. My life will never be the same… I try my best to find joy in life but it seems all joy went away with her. My days are gray and the only color I can find are in my memories of her, in her jokes, in her smile. I know she’d want me to be strong through this, so I try my best, I try my best for her.
Lena, I wrote the comment below yours but only just now read yours. You say what I tried to say but even better. Like you, I try to be strong because I know she wouldn’t want me to suffer this way. It’s a testament to what great mothers we had that we feel like this. I too have no color in my life and I think about her first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Hang in there…you are in my prayers.
my mom always said everything will be ok too… :o) and it will…
When my mom died I couldn’t believe it. It’s now two years later and I still can’t believe it. When the reality of it hits me I feel like I need to pinch myself to awaken from this horrible dream. It still hits me like a shock or a bucket of cold water in my face when I really realize that it’s true. Sometimes I think there’s something wrong with me. I never liked her mother, my grandmother, but now I remember how sad mom was when her mother died and how she mourned for her until the day she died when she started asking for her. I offered little comfort to her because I couldn’t understand why she missed her so much. Well, now I understand and there are so many things I could kick myself for not understanding sooner. I always thought I was empathetic but I could have been so much more so with her. I took her for granted until the end when I realized that she was fading away and I couldn’t get her back. How foolish we are not to appreciate our treasure when we have it. My only solace is that I may someday see her again but I’m not sure I really believe that. I guess it won’t matter cause I’ll be dead and won’t know any better. I hope my kids, 2 boys, don’t go through this after I’m gone.
Reading your story brought tears to my eyes…your mum sounds exactly like my mum! She passed away from cancer 3 years ago. My mum is my best friend and i find it so hard to live everyday without talking to her or having lunch together. The thing i miss the most was her hugs and the fact she told me she loved me everyday. Unconditional love is a once in a life time thing (for me anyways) and i find it hard to explain the lost and grieve of someone so close to friends who haven’t been through it before. To me their will always be a piece missing in my heart that i would like to think i gave to her when she passed away, thanks for sharing your story it made me see im not the only one.
It will be 3 yrs since I lost my mom. She was my best friend my world. I spoke to her everyday. Taught her to text. Boy could she text. I lost her may 4 her birthday may 11. She would have been 66. To young and she gave so much. She lived a life of hell being married to my abusive dad and never rebounded from that. She loved her grandkids and was able to see her great grandson before she passed. I was there with her holding her telling her it was OK to go. I would not have not had it any other way. She gave me life. She is my life. I try to keep family tradition together but without her it has become complicated.
I lost my mother when I was 7, so about 13 years ago. I also recently lost my Aunt. I know it really sucks. I’m comforted that there is somebody out there who I can connect to. Remember to stay strong. Your life is going to be hard. The pain won’t go away, ever. Stay strong and know your mother is by your side, as mine is to me. We can get through this together.
Hi Jenny, I found your blog typing ‘I miss my mother after 5 years’ into google. I lost her at 35 years of age in 2009, she was 64. I read your blog thinking I could have written it. Yes our mothers wouldn’t want us to be sad, yes we need to think about something else, yes we need to move on but what happens when you have that thought of her cooking in the kitchen and you see yourself giving her a hug and at that moment, you wish you could climb into that memory and never leave. I feel your pain honey, I miss my mummy too
My mom passed away almost 2 years ago to cancer when I was 13 and she was 52 but I can really relate to your story. It hurts and I miss my mom too and everything I had with her and could of had. I just want to say to a certain degree I truly do understand how you feel to have the one you love most be gone. Jesus has helped me to heal and i dont know if youre religious or not but I just want to say that God truley loves you so much. <33
i just had a dream about my mom. in this dream she was alive yet i knew she was no longer with me. i kept asking about my dad. who is also no longer with me. i kept asking where’s dad? where’s dad? she didn’t answer.
i lost my mom over 10 years ago and it still hurts the same. i lost my dad over 7 years ago and it still hurts.
like most i googled why was i still hurt over my parents death and stumbled here.
my mom died from a massive stroke she was 50 and my dad was hit by an automobile 3 years later in a vehicular pedestrian accident on my 10 year wedding anniversary. he was 66.
i dream and wake up with tears in my eyes – in the dreams they are alive but i also know that they will be gone from me and i cannot help them. in my dreams i try but i am unable to save them. it is like a double whammy of emotions – the hurt and the helplessness.
the hurt isn’t arresting – that is i still continue with my life still continue to be happy but in my heart there’s always an emptiness where they used to fill it. they were the best in every possible way a parent can be the best – and they were nice people.
i like to believe i’ll see them again someday –
so to my parents i love you and i miss you very much.
My mom died last year, nov 6, 2013… she was my best friend… I miss her so much still… I think it will take an eternity to stop missing her… she was beautiful, witty, and always believed in me… now she is gone…. i stare out the same window, we would stare out into… I’m just alone, without my mom… to top it off, my ridiculous family put her creamated remains in a smiley face cookie jar that she would love to surprise us kids with cookies…. (btw, she bought me my first cookie baking kit) you could say… sugar, brown sugar, baking soda, baking powder, flour, and everything… she deserved more than that… well, thanks for letting me vent and cry at the same time… i miss her so much… missing mommy,,, age 35…. will I ever grow up? lol
I lost my mother 12 years back. It was on 31st December 2012 mid night. She was 69 years. We are 10 children for her. That day she conveyed her worries, that was only about my father. After she left us, I took care of my father and he lived for another 8 years. I miss my mother so much.
Hello Jenny
I’m so sorry for your loss, sorry too for my own. I’ve been dreading this time of my life for about forty years now. It was about that time that an “aunt” died (my cousin’s aunt who we called aunt because we’re Italian). I was at “Aunt” Ann’s funeral (just a teenager myself) looking at her beautifully glamorous daughters completely and utterly grief stricken. The feeling of sadness was palpable and I began to cry. An uncle came to comfort me saying “aww you really loved Aunt Ann” and I replied that I did but that I am really crying for myself because I’m looking at her daughters knowing that is going to be me and my sister one day and we are never going to be prepared for it. I recall him being a bit put off by my response but I was just being honest. Forty years ago I made that statement and I was right, I’m not prepared. They tell us our mom has six months to a year, maybe more, but whether it is one year or forty, we won’t be prepared to lose her. She and my sister have always been my best friends.
I grew up and moved 8 hours away twenty years ago and yet if I ever got so much as a sniffle, I’d call my mom. We spoke daily. The majority of all my vacation time is spent either where she is or where my sister lives. Living away from her makes this time all that more difficult. For the last month she can’t really speak clearly and hasn’t walked independently for years so my sister and I have been traveling back and forth. She is in a nursing home. My brother, father and the rest of our family are there so she has plenty of care and visitors every day, but not her best friends. I know we are doing right by her, getting her good care, always having someone she knows and loves with her; so really the sole cause of my pain is that I want my momma. So I’m reaching out to another momma’s girl to say I feel your pain and know that I too will never stop missing my mom.
As horrible as this feels, I wouldn’t trade having this kind of a relationship with my mom for anything. I work with people who are confused by my willingness to take time off without pay “just” to be with my mom who already has people caring for her. I just chalk it up to them not being Italian or perhaps being raised by wolves. Our way is better. It’s sadder, but it’s better. Better to have had these amazing moms that are painfully missed than to have missed out on having them as our moms.
Thank you for your blog. I needed this today.
Big Hug to you!
i lost my mother 6yrs ago and still can’t get over the hurt and pain it stays with me everyday. i cry all the time sometimes all day. Im so lonely without her. my heart feels like its breaking everyday. I’m so alone. i have family but they have never even considered caring how i feel.i may sound selfish. but the pain is so much. I’m so sorry to those of you who have lost ones I’m not the only one going through this. my kids don’t come over not even to visit i thought i was a ok mother . but they make me feel no good thank you for listening
i ment to say those of you who have lost love ones my prayers go out to you.that your heart will be comforted daily. THANK YOU JENNY HUTT FOR BEING A CARING PERSON.
I googled “I miss my mom so very much” and this came up. I’m so sorry for your loss and my heart breaks for everyone that has commented about their own journey. I lost my mom about 5 months ago. As many others have said, mom and I had a complicated relationship, but she loved me more than I think anyone will ever love me. We could hurt each other more than any other too. Guess that’s part of it. Mom was sick for about 15 years. Ups and downs throughout. She would go to the brink of death and then come back. I didn’t really think she would go. Then, of course, when I was 800 miles away, she died. I can’t forgive myself for not being there. She died alone and it breaks my heart. There is a physical pain in my chest. I just want to know she is ok and that she knows I respected her, was proud of her, appreciated her and love her so much. A few days before she died, she told me I would get over it when she died. I said I never would. And I never will. My heart breaks that she isn’t here to see her grandkids grow. And that they won’t likely remember her. I do take comfort that she got to know them. They kept her damaged heart beating at least 5 years longer than it probably should have continued beating. And, the absolute worst part, is at times, I’ve felt relieved that she’s gone. Yes, relieved that she’s out of horrible pain. But, also relieved that the stress of being a caretaker has subsided. For that, I don’t think I will ever forgive myself. I would give anything to have one more day of caregiving to give her.
Yvonne. I understand what you are saying. mom and I could have our collisions too. but we loved one another so much. when mom had her stroke by rights in would have killed anyone else. she was in ICU for weeks.
your mom and my mom were strong women. with strong wills to go on. after mom’s stroke she was never sick.
but a UTI in the end got her. I was very proud of my mother too. on her 80th birthday I said so in a card.
I told her you made it to 80. I only hope to be half as strong as you are. I didn’t see her in the hospital. she was admitted and died 16 hours later. I did not go because I saw her May 4th and we had such a tender son and mother moment. she showed me her new pots and pans and kitchen gadgets. she loved those! I said mom! you have more kitchen stuff?!!? as I was having to leave. I felt the need to hug her. I did and she lay her head on my shoulder, rubbed my arm and wept lightly. I believe it was our good-bye. I left sad as though that was it. when the DR told me she had organ failure I knew she would be gone by morning. my niece went. and mom was barely conscious. I opted to remember that final visit. the one that was tender and a good-bye. yet I feel guilty too. like maybe I should have went. I did tell her I loved her that last time. but like you I wish I had one more day. a longer visit and said so much more. we never know when that last moment will happen.
Hello Jennifer..your words made me cry..i can totally imagine how it feels. I lost my mom just before a month of my wedding, i was totally heart broken. She passed away before 1.5 year and i am not over with it. It’s still hamper my personal and professional life , When i think of her i cannot stop my tears. I know i should not cry like this but i try my best but still couldn’t control my tears. I can totally relate your Pain. Please stay happy and thanks for sharing this. God bless you . Hope god gives you lot of strength to overcome with this situation
I stumbled upon this post while googling “mommas girl, mom passed away” … Thank you for sharing. My mom & I had an inseparable bond. We were beyond close, I recently moved across the country & we still talked 15+ times a day plus text messages.
My thirtieth birthday was Thursday, that night I received the call she was gone. Unexpected. It’s been five days now & its just unimaginable how I’ll be without her a week, a month, a year, 30 MORE YEARS If I live until 60. I feel I’m suffering from a broken heart.
I just lost my mom May 24th. she was 81. but had lost her ability to speak after a massive stroke in 1997 when she was just 63. she was a changed person. still mom, but different. she lived alone in her own apartment near me for 9 years. she had in home care help. some good, some not so good. she was basically healthy other than her right hand and no longer able to speak. before the stroke we were very close. getting together, lunches and visiting. I loved our conversations that could be fun and silly, but serious too. we shared the same view of life. after the stroke in many ways I felt I lost her. seeing how she became so disabled by that horrid stroke, broke my heart for both of us. she would be so frustrated but was very strong willed. I lived the 9 years we were near each other. it was just sad we could no longer share conversation. when she stopped liking or caring about holidays, especially Christmas. so did I. she had always loved Christmas, but lost interest over time. then they became hollow for me as well. being unmarried and having no children I guess a son is very close to his mom. I loved seeing her smile and laugh. she did not like going out much anymore. just her favorite store and grocery shopping. unable to speak was awkward for her. in 2015 she got a UTI which caused her to fall and was hospitalized and amazingly recovered quickly. it happened again in May and turned to sepsis and septic shock. she passed on 4 days before age 82. for years I missed her voice and now I miss seeing and knowing she was here. she was a strong woman and very brave. But I feel heartbroken all over again. like I lost her twice.
I lost my Mom on October 16, 2016, to Alzheimer’s. She was my religion. Through her, I learned what God’s Love was really all about. The ability to give and receive love unconditionally was her unspoken sermon to me and I reciprocated joyfully. The eight years after Dad passed away had its challenges and frustrations. But, the last two years of Mom’s life made up for it and she was a happy soul with bright eyes. Even the day before she passed, she knew who I was and loved me. That was priceless. She peacefully passed in her sleep. She had the very best care and enjoyed the regular company of friends.
Scarcely an hour after she passed, I wanted to hear her voice so much!!! Then I remembered Dad’s old VHS video camera and all the VHS tapes that he took when he and Mom traveled. I found them, popped one in the VCR player, and the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard in my life came out of the speakers. My MOM’s and DAD’s voices! Chatting about interesting things they were looking at or in the car while one of them held the camera at some interesting thing alongside the road.
I just drank it in. The healing my parched soul felt for hearing their voices was beyond words. I found a few other tapes and played them, too. The joy of seeing and hearing them was priceless.
So, my new mission is to tell people to get video, or even audio, recordings of their parents while they are still alive. Whatever it takes, get those voices recorded!!! After your parents pass away, the fading memory of their voices will torment you in terrible ways because they are fading. Being able to play an old VHS of your folks, when your soul is starved for hearing them, is the best therapy of all.
I wish I had done this. My Mom will be gone 4 years on October 11th. That day was also her birthday. I can’t remember what her voice sounded like and I’m so sad right now. I’d give anything to hear her voice.
Thank you for writing this, I lost my mom 5 years ago today she was 54 I was 26 and today and holidays are the worst. The sadness come and goes throughout the day but sometimes it’s nice to hear that it’s a normal reaction to a great loss.