and i'm not being dramatic- just factual.
my mother died three weeks ago and when people talk to me i can't stop myself from saying "well my mom just died...."
like anyone really cares or gets it.
and i don't mean that no one has felt the grief i am feeling or no one has experienced loss or no one else has sadness due to whatever. i know everyone has unbearable pain at some point or another.
but no one else lost my mom.
no one else misses her like i do.
and i don't think anyone else should and i don't blame the poor strangers who aren't looking to soothe my pain when asking how i am.
it is my problem. my grief. and it is personal but then on the other hand i can't avoid letting it show.
the tears come so randomly.
vegas has been great. i've been a little without feeling and adequately distracted.
which has been both helpful and odd.
And today i had the most relaxing and delightful facial and was overcome with emotion. hmmmm.
randy pausch lost his battle with pancreatic cancer last week and i am so sad for the people who loved him but (and i can't believe I'm admitting this) his inability to beat this disease gives me some relief- because a part of me thinks if he couldn't beat it then how could i have expected my mother would. he had the whole world pulling for him. he had drs from all over and support beyond comprehension and the will to fight...in a way his dying liberates my guilt of not being able to save my mother.
and i know how hard we tried and she tried.
tonight keith and i renewed our vows (11 years!) at viva las vegas elvis wedding chappel.
it was really fun and surprisingly sweet.
then we had drinks at the golden nugget (i didn't drink, the others did!) and fantastic (celebratory?!) dinner at charlie's bar in restaurant charlie at the palazzo.
it was delicious and i laughed tonight more than i've laughed in months.
my mom died 3 weeks ago and tonight keith and i renewed our wedding vows. and i was happy.
pictures and links to follow tomorrow.
facebook:jennifer koppelman hutt