last summer my mother had stomach discomfort...a persistent belly ache.
this summer my mother is gone.
my mother's oncologist, whom i both detest and admire at the same time (funny how that happens!) told us early on that weight loss was the enemy of pancreatic cancer. and more to the point that my mother needed to gain weight to smother the tumor (this was the hope)..
so i took what alexis has taught me and got in the kitchen. and began baking for my mother. and baking.
and blogging. and baking.
and some people commented "why don't you do your own blog?! alexis is the one who bakes" or "leave the baking to alexis" or "don't you have your own mind" or "be you not alexis" and "copycat".
obviously no one knew why i was baking so much but should it even have mattered?
it was a gift that i learned how to bake! my mother actually ate what i baked. she LOVED the maida heatter's brown butter danish sandwich cookies- although she liked a whiter fluffier filling. and she loved martha's chocolate surprise cookies from the cookie book (the ones with the marshmallows covered in chocolate yumm!) and she devoured the all white black and whites.
oh but when i baked cinnamon rolls (cinnabons!) she HATED them because the chemo had soured her taste buds to cinnamon...we had a good laugh that day because my mother had forgotten to tell me that she hated cinnamon.
and at the end, when my mother was eating a couple of spoonfuls of barely anything each day, she would ask me to make scrambled eggs and cheese. and i would. and it felt amazing to be able to do something. a small something. but something.
after my mom died i couldn't bake nor cook. i couldn't even get it together to bake cookies for my kids. it was just too painful.
but last night, i went back in the kitchen and cooked dinner.
(clams with garlic, olive oil and white wine and spaghetti)
it'll take a little while longer till i can bake i think. but i'll get there.
facebook:jennifer koppelman hutt