i’m an obsessive worrier. always have been.
i worry about what matters: safety and well being of my family and others i love, psychopaths who kill kids (and grownups!), our country’s debt, the environment, my career, and just about every other problem i may not be able to fix nor anticipate.
i worry about what doesn’t really matter: gossip, what i’ll wear to wherever, how i’ll fit in all i have to do in a day, when someone may or may not reply to an email or text(which could render me a nervous wreck!), whether someone likes me or doesn’t and when i’ll finally get to hang with gayle king or seth meyers.
and i obsessively worry about my weight, which is not only justified… it is essential.
it isn’t JUST because i am extremely self indulgent (though admittedly sometimes i am!) rather it is because i know that if i do not work my program (whatever program it is that day/that week/that meal/that month) then i will become fat again. the odds are against me. and darn it i will fight those odds.
because if i get fat again, i think i will die.
no, not hyperbole. truth. i don’t think i could survive the mental anguish i would feel were i to gain back all that i lost (which is ironic because that loss caused me to gain so much!!) frankly, even gaining back enough that would put me into the category of overweight (which is an improvement from the obese that i was) would cause serious implications to my emotional state (not to mention physical state).
by the grace of something (gd, poptarts, i dont know what) i feel like i have a second chance at living my life fully.
because not being fat anymore has saved my life. physically and mentally. and i am not sure in what order.
i don’t think i can properly convey with words how less afraid of people i am now, knowing that though they can call me fat, technically i am not fat. (btw, i am far from bikini bodied as well and would rather do just about anything than have to be naked in front of anyone but my husband- who by the way is super terrific and like all husbands super obnoxious and irritating- oh wait…so am i!)
so i write down my food each night. my imperfect intake. and share it in the daily food blog section of my site.
and i answer questions and talk while being on the treadmill (tales from the treadmill) because i will get on it/stay on it longer knowing at least one person may be entertained by it or motivated to get on his/her treadmill too.
and maybe my letting people look at what i do to keep myself going will help someone else who feels stuck.
i want to help.
i cannot control the world around me. i cannot control how anyone else behaves or chooses to respond to what i share. i cannot control people professionally, personally, globally. i can only control what i do. and who i am. and i choose to share my bumps along the way.
and for those (here’s my preemptive defensive moment) who think too much food/body/weight talk is annoying…
don’t hang out with me… almost every interaction i have with people involves someone’s mentioning something about their food/weight/workout. and it isn’t always my mentioning it! it is just what many of us do…maybe even most of us!
so if you have treadmill questions for my next treadmill video, leave them here. or in the chat box (which i tend to delete from every so often to keep it from getting too full)