(This post is also available on huffington post) Weeks ago I was asked to guest co-host a tv talk show. My appearance was confirmed this past Friday. And canceled late this morning before tomorrow’s scheduled appearance. Reason given: “the higher ups changed their mind.” Reason heard: “the higher ups hate you”, “You’re a loser”, “You’re not good enough”, “your tales from the treadmill videos are stupid.” When I was single, I went on many dates. Usually after the first date, I’d know whether I was longing for the second date. And usually, when I was longing for the second date… He didn’t call. In romance, one wants. And often, one waits to find out if the want is reciprocated. And when it is not, the conjecture (torture) begins. Does he not like me because I’ve got such a giant ass? Does he not like me because I’ve got big teeth? Does he not like me because I’m a red head? Does he not like me because my boobs aren’t big enough? Does he not like me because I’m short? Does he not like me because I’m funny? I hated being single. I hated the damn dating auditions. I also wanted to be an entertainer back then. BUT I hated the professional auditions too. I didn’t go on many because I didn’t have a tough enough constitution to deal with rejection. It was just as I handled the romance thing: I wouldn’t get a call back or get hired and I’d ruminate: Do they not want to hire me because I’m too fat? Do they not want to hire me because I’m not funny? Do they not want to hire me because I’m too funny? Do they not want to hire me because I’m not smart enough? Do they not want to hire me because I’m not likeable? Is my “network hair” not “network” enough?! Thankfully, I met my husband and organically the dating auditions ended. But the professional ones… I quit trying. I was 27. I was in love. I didn’t want to deal with rejection anymore, so I gave up the dream of being an entertainer. Within 3 years I had a husband, a son, a daughter, a mortgage and a whole lot of dissatisfaction. I LOVE my husband and my babies…too much to adequately describe… But I needed more. And it took me 5 more years to get that more, but I did. In 2005, I started co-hosting a Sirius XM radio show, which led to 3 (ultimately canceled) tv shows, and two new Sirius XM radio shows. 6.5 years after I started I am still on the air and THRILLED being there every day. I LOVE hosting my show. On the air I feel free, open, alive, connected, loved, appreciated, good enough and HAPPY. I’m going to focus on those feelings rather than the loser ones. I’m sure to sleep better that way. And tomorrow, I’ll try for another TV gig. And maybe this one I’ll book and even get to do! xo jenny
« reading this blog post will make you think. and according to my friend, may make you squirm. i’m ok with that!