When I have an actual panic attack- which thankfully isn't THAT often, It's like a wave of dread mixed with more dread. It feels like dying and unbearable living all at once. The hopeless thoughts of imminent bad something are so very real that the crash from this not even kinda good feeling high can render me drained, depleted and with limited function.
My mouth gets so dry- forget about my ability to swallow.
Most days thankfully the anxiety just lives in me- stalking me from inside my belly- Yes, it is always ready to jump out of me, but by the grace of gd typically I can contain it.
When it does make its way to the surface, usually my anxiety manifests as uncontrollable ugly cry tears, which is super convenient right before a meeting, a tv hit, a radio interview, family dinner or party.
My anxiety peaks when I worry about the well being of people I love.
It also peaks when I don't hear back from someone I've emailed about a job. Or it peaks when I have put myself in some sort of vulnerable situation (daily?!) and I feel over looked, undervalued, not good enough, like a loser.
I go right to that everything is going to crumble place. FAST.
Confrontation also gets me. I am a terrible fighter.
When I am PMS it gets even worse.
Any moment of any day that I assess/realize/grasp/
recognize/come to terms with the fact that I am in control of so little, the anxiety flares so big.
I could be getting ready to go to work and something or someone (could be me!) makes me leave later than planned (I like to leave at least 90 minutes before I have to be in NYC) I start to worry that I won't have enough time to be ready for my show- I worry that I will inconvenience the lovely hair and makeup people at work because I texted someone I'd be there at 6 and now I won't arrive until 7. So I text again. And then if I make up for lost time on the roads, well, I'll pull over and text that I may be early now which is actually the time I said I'd arrive originally.
I'm such a freak.
When I start to look ahead at the future: my kids, my husband, me... Sometimes I can hardly breathe.
I am worried about where my kids will go to college- several years from now- And who they'll marry, will they marry, will they be happy. I just want them happy.Ok really I just want them breathing way longer than I am.
I am turning 44 tomorrow. This year somehow feels worse than the others. The aging process is really awful. The aging process while climbing the "being successful on tv where your face really matters" ladder - EVEN WORSE.
Yes, I am grateful. I am grateful to the point that I want to throw up because my heart gets so full of all the love I have for too many. And the fear that someone will die, leave, disappear, forget me...
Clearly, I don't take anti anxiety medication- too anxious I'll become addicted. That's why I just CARRY the xanax in my bag. I have it if I REALLY need it. I've taken xanax maybe 20 times total in the course of 5.5 years.
How do you manage your anxiety?